A point that I have not investigated much throughout my process is the point of sexuality and sexual expression. This has been a daunting point to take on due to my history of being a typical male, or even ‘alpha male’ who is just concerned with finding beautiful women and experiencing sex as an energetic fix, an addiction, a dependency on another to be satisfied and enjoy myself. I have not embraced this point as much as I would like to. I have not allowed myself to practice as much as I would like to the act of exploring sexuality as a physical being, without being driven by energy, thoughts, mental imagery and imagination – this also applies to masturbation. What is challenging about this point along with all points in process is the very fact that it is a process, and that this kind of development takes time and patience. I mean, the first few times I’ve tried expressing myself sexually as a physical being – just breathing and being here, no mind – it has been difficult! It has not felt natural and of course when things aren’t easy we tend to want to give up. Here I see the importance of consistent effort and application, and without having any expectations. That is one problem with sex – the starting point is always wanting and desiring the energetic high experience of a climax, an orgasm, trying to ‘get somewhere’ rather than a self expression, a self discovery. That is the point of ‘getting back to the physical’ – is to move self to explore and discover self, not from a starting point of an idea of what self must be, but as an actual emergent expression. It is fascinating because if you look at effective forms of study in this world, like for instance effective science, that is basically what we do – we just discover what is already here – and that process of discovering what is here comes much more naturally and without friction if it is simply done in the moment as a physical act, without any mind ideas/expectations, beliefs.
So, now it is time to get sexy! And I see that I react a bit when I say a word like this because it is still invoking all kinds of connotations I adopted in the past about sexuality, as being from a starting point of lust and self interest. But sexy doesn’t need to mean that. Sex can actually be innocent, sex can be something that we don’t need to be ashamed of, sex can be something where we do not become envious or jealous because it is not done in self interest and spite, and within a whole socially-structured game of trying to win where it is all about getting what one wants. I mean sex in it’s truest form, ideally should be innocent, though I have not expressed or experienced this so much myself, I can see the point, because how can a point of who we really are be intrinsically bad? It is not, we just make it that way and then sex and sexuality becomes this taboo topic that everyone is supposed to not talk about openly and with simplicity and directness. How sad is it that we are missing out on real sexual expression just because of how we have shaped sexuality from a starting point of self interest, and then judged and demonized ourselves for doing so? And again, the same applies to masturbation.
Yesterday I had an experience where I looked at my hand and I started to notice it from a certain perspective, and all of a sudden I was fascinated. It looked so surreal, like it wasn’t me, like it was this alien, animalistic, designed meat-creature-thing. I had this experience as a young child and it was explained to me once that this is due to not in fact being one and equal to the body, but rather existing within and as the mind. So this experience shows the importance of getting back in touch with the body, reintegrating myself into and as the body, because I am separate from it, and if I am separate from it, I can not direct it – what would then be the point of even being here!? As a self support tool, I am able to utilize sexuality and sexual expression as a key in this process of reintegration, where sex is transformed from the energetic experience I always knew it to be, into one of self movement and self discovery – without any preconceived ideas or conditions. We tend to trust our ideas, beliefs and perceptions because we have abdicated ourselves so extensively for so long to knowledge as a higher power – and we tend to completely take for granted and miss that which is here which seems simplistic and mundane – when in reality, when we embrace that which we tend to take for granted, a whole new world opens up that we never before could have even conceived of.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to explore sexuality from a starting point of remaining here as a physical being, moving myself within and as breath, allowing myself to explore and discover myself unconditionally and without ideas/wants/beliefs/desires/expectations
I commit myself to explore sexuality here as breath as an unconditional self expression