Tag Archives: expression

Day 283: Exploring Sexuality

A point that I have not investigated much throughout my process is the point of sexuality and sexual expression. This has been a daunting point to take on due to my history of being a typical male, or even ‘alpha male’ who is just concerned with finding beautiful women and experiencing sex as an energetic fix, an addiction, a dependency on another to be satisfied and enjoy myself. I have not embraced this point as much as I would like to. I have not allowed myself to practice as much as I would like to the act of exploring sexuality as a physical being, without being driven by energy, thoughts, mental imagery and imagination – this also applies to masturbation. What is challenging about this point along with all points in process is the very fact that it is a process, and that this kind of development takes time and patience. I mean, the first few times I’ve tried expressing myself sexually as a physical being – just breathing and being here, no mind – it has been difficult! It has not felt natural and of course when things aren’t easy we tend to want to give up. Here I see the importance of consistent effort and application, and without having any expectations. That is one problem with sex – the starting point is always wanting and desiring the energetic high experience of a climax, an orgasm, trying to ‘get somewhere’ rather than a self expression, a self discovery. That is the point of ‘getting back to the physical’ – is to move self to explore and discover self, not from a starting point of an idea of what self must be, but as an actual emergent expression. It is fascinating because if you look at effective forms of study in this world, like for instance effective science, that is basically what we do – we just discover what is already here – and that process of discovering what is here comes much more naturally and without friction if it is simply done in the moment as a physical act, without any mind ideas/expectations, beliefs.

So, now it is time to get sexy! And I see that I react a bit when I say a word like this because it is still invoking all kinds of connotations I adopted in the past about sexuality, as being from a starting point of lust and self interest. But sexy doesn’t need to mean that. Sex can actually be innocent, sex can be something that we don’t need to be ashamed of, sex can be something where we do not become envious or jealous because it is not done in self interest and spite, and within a whole socially-structured game of trying to win where it is all about getting what one wants. I mean sex in it’s truest form, ideally should be innocent, though I have not expressed or experienced this so much myself, I can see the point, because how can a point of who we really are be intrinsically bad? It is not, we just make it that way and then sex and sexuality becomes this taboo topic that everyone is supposed to not talk about openly and with simplicity and directness. How sad is it that we are missing out on real sexual expression just because of how we have shaped sexuality from a starting point of self interest, and then judged and demonized ourselves for doing so? And again, the same applies to masturbation.

Yesterday I had an experience where I looked at my hand and I started to notice it from a certain perspective, and all of a sudden I was fascinated. It looked so surreal, like it wasn’t me, like it was this alien, animalistic, designed meat-creature-thing. I had this experience as a young child and it was explained to me once that this is due to not in fact being one and equal to the body, but rather existing within and as the mind. So this experience shows the importance of getting back in touch with the body, reintegrating myself into and as the body, because I am separate from it, and if I am separate from it, I can not direct it – what would then be the point of even being here!? As a self support tool, I am able to utilize sexuality and sexual expression as a key in this process of reintegration, where sex is transformed from the energetic experience I always knew it to be, into one of self movement and self discovery – without any preconceived ideas or conditions. We tend to trust our ideas, beliefs and perceptions because we have abdicated ourselves so extensively for so long to knowledge as a higher power – and we tend to completely take for granted and miss that which is here which seems simplistic and mundane – when in reality, when we embrace that which we tend to take for granted, a whole new world opens up that we never before could have even conceived of.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to explore sexuality from a starting point of remaining here as a physical being, moving myself within and as breath, allowing myself to explore and discover myself unconditionally and without ideas/wants/beliefs/desires/expectations

I commit myself to explore sexuality here as breath as an unconditional self expression

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Day 281: The desire to please others: “Am I being too serious?”

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I am continuing to write about the tendency to want to help and please others, within the belief of reciprocity that if I ‘live for others’ this way, that apparently it will ‘come back to me’ – this giving only get. It is really fascinating that I have created a belief that I am being selfless, while in fact I am really being selfish – but then not even, because it is just a belief that this will aid me and support me in my life, when it does not even work that way.

So today I noticed another dimension of this point which is that I have defined being completely straightforward and direct in my expression – speaking ‘matter-of-factly’ to people – as somehow being ‘too serious’ or even ‘negative’. Sometimes this belief will influence me to such an extent that I will actually take on this ‘serious guy’ character, due to the reaction that I trigger in myself when speaking directly. Perhaps it is even the belief that to simply be serious and real is apparently being negative. That is demonstrative of how out of touch we are with reality, that to even recognize reality by being real ourselves is seen as somehow being ‘negative’ – because we live in a culture of illusions which we believe to be positive.

I noticed that when I stick to the simplicity of the facts, where, usually in such expression I am calm, stable, my tone of voice and pacing of my speech is stable – I will actually start to feel like I am ‘being too serious’ – and immediately the need arises to make it exciting, engaging, and stimulating for the listener. So, as mentioned in the last post, it relates back to experiences as a child where I basically noticed that I got more attention – and thus got what I want or could fulfill my needs – if I was pleasant, if I was stimulating, and that the way to be stimulating was through how I presented myself, especially through words. Likewise, I saw how I could be ignored and ‘tuned out’ by others – especially adults when I was younger – when I simply spoke and expressed myself naturally.

So within this belief that that which is real expression as directness is ‘serious and negative’ because I am not being overtly positive, I am actually creating the experience of my expression becoming negative, through the fear that it will be perceived that way because I believe that it is that way.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when I speak directly, simply expression myself or expressing a point, that I am being ‘too serious’ or ‘negative’, only because I am not being positive, within the belief that I must be positive, stimulating and pleasant towards others. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to – within this belief – actually activate and go into a negative experience of myself wherein my expression takes on a negative energetic charge, when I am attempting to express a point directly/in simplicity/without a positive emotional charge

I commit myself to – when and as I see myself fearing to speak directly and express myself/a point – because I fear how another will respond to me and I fear I can not trust myself to direct the person in the moment – and I want to begin adding either a positive or negative charge to my expression in the belief that I will stimulate this person to listening to what I am expressing or accepting what I am expressing – I stop, I breathe, and I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I remain here as breath and trust myself to direct myself/others in the moment, not allowing the fear of what others might do to me to control, influence and direct me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to be real in and as my expression, as a self movement, without being movement by any fear as thoughts and the energy that thoughts produce

Day 228: Freedom through structure – building a life

It is a natural human expression to create, yet this has been long lost in the way that we live as a society on earth. I mean there are a few on this earth who are allowed to create because they have money and are funded somehow to create to serve a purpose (the rich people in the world).

When you look at the things that we build, they are in essence reflections of what is already here as nature. For instance while we have the humans building machines and robots, we can see the biological robots that nature produces. Everything in nature reflects the same basic principles of creation – it is as if everything is designed, built, structured in a specific way that facilitates a specific expression. Our whole environment is a learning experience, in that regard. The point I am raising in this blog is why we don’t learn from it, and specifically, why do we not structure our living, just as nature has structured us to facilitate our living? Without these human bodies – structured forms – nothing would be possible. Sometimes we fool ourselves and give it a negative connotation as if the limitations of the body are some form of negative trapping, which is a point that should really be re-evaluated given the nature of the human as being something that really needs some boundaries.

I have never had much of a structured life save for my schooling experience growing up,  as well as basic needs being met when I was younger, like bathing and eating. The latter are obvious examples of how structure I really quite a cool thing – you structure you’re eating habits, you’re going to be well fed. If you structure your sleeping habits, you’re going to be well rested. However due to negative associations I had made with being structured, from negative past experiences like school, I really began to deviate from any and all forms of structure, the more I grew into my teen years and beyond, to the point where I wanted absolute ‘free will’ and ‘free choice’ – but there is no such thing as free will and free choice when it does not fall within a context of self responsibility and your responsibility towards life – any ‘free choice’ that does not consider life is rather the freedom to abuse.

So it has been ‘normal’ for me to exist for this way for quite some time, as I’m sure it is for many people – we tend to only get serious about having structure in our lives when our survival is depending on it. However it has been introduced to me that structuring my life through developing and utilizing a schedule is paramount in creating and living the kind of life that I really want to. I had been avoiding this point because I know that it means I am getting real about this process I am in, getting real about what I really ideally want to do with my life, and most importantly, I have been avoiding it because I know that getting real means to completely stop with all the bullshit in my life – even the tiniest bit of it. Basically, I know that a schedule will stop that, so I have resisted it.

By working through a lot of my old addictions/patterns/habits, this opportunity through clarity to now structure my life has become more of an accessible reality, and at this point, it is within reach, it is as accessible as I make it. I am able to structure my entire living, every minute of every day, if I choose to, so that it is guaranteed that I live the life that I really want to, a life that I am satisfied with where I let nothing slide and I truly live to my full potential and accomplish everything I want to accomplish. Taking away the experience of feeling like I am missing out on something or that there is ‘something more’. This is all not to mention the stopping of the shit I allow in my life and the effect that would have, to live with less fear and anxiety because I know within myself that I am truly living and taking nothing for granted.

As mentioned before, I still have resistance to applying myself in the moment, but the more I work through that, the more effective I become at it and see the reality of being able to successfully follow a schedule as within reach. Today I finalized a tentative schedule to work with, and it is actually amazing how much is able to be accomplished in a day, when time is used effectively.

We tend to take granted our ability to create ourselves, to such an extent that I’m sure many will find it hard to fathom that it is even possible to do so, just as I did. It took real work, self honesty, self forgiveness and sticking to my process to even get to this point of making it possible to begin recreating myself. Within the recognition of life and recognizing ourselves as life, one and equal, anything is possible, no matter how long it takes or what you have to do to get there, because one is valuing themselves in fact and will do whatever it takes to honor oneself within such a recognition – how could we justify not giving ourselves that right? Just as life has given us the opportunity to exist and express through the structure we are endowed with, so too are we able to give ourselves the structure of a being that will ensure that this opportunity is not squandered – the opportunity to live – you only get it once.