Day 328: Culture of Ego

 

Through utilizing the tool of self honesty as self introspection, I began to see that we live in a society where ego, selfishness and self interest is promoted extensively. It has become so pathological that within our interaction with others, we almost feel obliged to feed each others ego’s by finding ways to make others feel good about themselves. We observe and learn from a young age that: “If I can do something to produce this positive feeling within another person, then they will like me and favor me, I will be rewarded and recognized for this.”

 

People need to be reassured that they are special and that the identities they have created for themselves to survive by ‘being somebody in this world’ are in fact real and valid – people need validation. So we commend males on aspects of their masculinity, like for instance how we worship male athletes. We commend women on their femininity, that they are beautiful and pretty. We even try to commend children with over-exaggerated praise, as if they require the same validation that we as adults do.

 

The reason I am writing about this point is that I have seen this tendency in myself, but especially with regards to recognizing and complimenting female ‘beauty’ – appearances. But we all know how deceiving appearances can be. As aforementioned, the reason when tend to feed each others ego’s is because we believe we can somehow benefit from it, and in the case of a male recognizing the beauty of a female, the intent here is to feed their ego’s, which will hopefully reflect well on the male. Blinded by our own selfishness and desire, what we foolishly fail to realize is that we are partaking in a game of selfishness where everybody is secretly competing for their own self interest, their own personal success that does not regard the success of others equally.

 

Naively, I played the game and extensively fed the ego’s of some of the women that I lusted for – not realizing the true, twisted and evil nature of ego, not realizing the game I was playing and the danger I was placing myself in, by believing that I am partaking in something beautiful and wonderful, because maybe my desires were being met for a time, not realizing the ‘monsters’ within both of us that I was feeding. Ego, the larger it gets, can really take on some monstrous proportions, and that is why, once the veil of love and beauty is lifted because the tricks we use in playing this game no longer work and the energy runs out, things turn nasty and what was once a relationship of fake love turns into hate and war.

 

Of course this true nature of ego is hidden from the eyes, and the game is promoted so extensively as ‘normal’, and the feelings that we get from each other when we stimulate our egos is just so intoxicating , that this all can seem very innocent, far from what I have described above. Unfortunately, many who are intoxicated with these feelings or consumed by the shortsightedness of their own self interest will not consider what I am saying, to prevent calamity. Those who have gone through the consequences of participating in these games, and have the self respect to say ‘enough’, may consider and even relate to what is being shared here. Coming from a male who was raised to be obsessed with female beauty and conditioned to worship and pursue it, if it is possible for me to reconsider, then surely anyone can. Ego has become so ‘picture-based’ and ‘look-based’, that every single time we believe we are just recognizing a pretty picture, we should stop to realize and consider that we are actually recognizing and validating much more than just an image, but rather that we are supporting and validating the ‘image and likeness’ of ego.

Day 319: Self honesty as the starting point for practical action

 

That I am here in this moment is almost the only thing I can be certain of. Life seems to move so fast and the mind reacts so instantaneously and seemingly naturally that I miss so much of what prompts me to ‘speed up’ and move at a pace where I don’t always really pay attention to what I am doing, what I am saying. This is not to say that I shouldn’t act naturally, but that there are certain things which I see, that if I just gave myself a moment and didn’t give into my mind/fears so automatically, I could then give myself a chance to direct myself more effectively in a way that is less considered/walked: as breath.

 

When I am honest with myself I can see how I have been programmed to live a life of self-interest – the base mentality that we are all programmed with because as long as we all play and support this game, those who have massive advantages over the rest of us (by virtue of their birthright) will always win a game that we create and support by virtue of our allowance and participation in it. The outflow of this is that I am addicted to certain things in my reality that I experience as “I like doing this” because it gives me some kind of inner experience of nice feelings.

 

When I look at the basics of these addictions – greed, lust, gluttony, sloth, wrath, envy, pride – it is sufficient as a guideline to at least know what not to do, to know what not to participate in – it can just be difficult at times to fully apply myself in not participating in such habits, and also to remain consistent in doing so. And yet when I do, and stick to this basic guideline of not participating in my own selfishness, my own self interest: a whole new world opens up where I can actually live for real, where I can live in a way where my starting point and consideration is what is best for all live, including all as one as me – so essentially, addictions are the ‘food’ of the mind and ego – no matter how seemingly innocent they are or how we may justify them to ourselves.

 

When I look at my life, there is so much that I can convince myself is important and that I must obsess over, ‘or else apparently I will lose out, apparently I will not survive and thrive if I do not obsess over my own self interest, if I don’t live in constant fear of loss and defeat’. This is the mentality of my culture, my society: compete and win at all costs – fuck everything else, fuck life – we just don’t want to see it that way because we present our self interest and addictions as wonderful, fun, innocent – whatever. When I look at my life, apparently: my job is so important, my relationship is so important, the experience of feelings that I have defined as “love” is so important, whether or not others like me and how they think of me is important, whether I look good or not is so important, whether or not I have lots of money to buy things for myself is important, having lots of fun and great experiences is so important, my family and friends is so important, etc. etc. If this is so – and given that humans were created equal – what does this imply of all the billions of people who live only to suffer and have no chance of ever experiencing success and dignity in any of these points I have previously mentioned? Wouldn’t my priority as a responsible human being then be to work to ensure that all beings on earth are given the same opportunities and rights of those things that I obsess over and believe are so important for myself? It is going to require a great degree to humbleness to accomplish anything of real significance in this way, in this reality.

 

I have a tendency to over-think things, to procrastinate, to worry and wonder if I am ‘doing things right’ and ‘what is the best way to get this done’ – it is simple – self honesty – you just do it. Do away with all the shit in your life that you have falsely claimed is so important, ‘get a life’ and change your priorities – stop participating in the shit that only makes me feel nice but makes no real difference in the world as the world continues to plummet into hell. Self honesty is extremely simplistic and really just requires us to give up the things we fear and resist giving up.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give priority and value to my own self interest, which includes all of my addictions and activities that I participate in which make no real difference int his reality and just give me the illusion of happiness and fulfillment because they create feelings in me that are based in separation from life as they serve only ego and self interest, and I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to justify such actions as apparently being all in good fun and somehow being that which is best for all by making me happy first.

 

I commit myself to identify my priorities, what does not require attention and what does, based on the principle of participating in actions and doing whatever is necessary that will accumulatively, eventually and inevitably create a world that is best for all life and to no longer question or doubt or delay myself through over-thinking things and giving into the fearful thoughts and resistance of the mind, and rather act here as breath in self honesty as who I really am as life, where the mind is unable to deceive me by directing me with thoughts that are programmed to only serve self interest

 

Through directing ourselves as life, our example resonates, and its effect permeates reality like water, in a way that is beyond what we have always known: trying to control ourselves, others and our reality with the mind from a starting point of fear and self interest, as this will never produce a result as a world that is best for all life.

Day 298: Removing energetic attachments to process

 

Currently I am on holiday and am getting a bit of a break from all the stimulation of being engaged in the matrix – work, school, friends, family etc. – so I am able to just come to my computer and write out points as they come up. On three separate occasions I ended up writing about the same essential point, which is process itself (my process of self change through self forgiveness and self corrective application).

 

The first writing was with regards to the positive/negative relationship that I have developed with process, where I allow my process to be limited and controlled by energetic charges, still trying to get some form of stimulation within my process and justify the stimulation as being necessary and real through the belief that this is how I must move myself, that there can only be self/movement as progress in my process if it is energy based:

 

on the ‘negative side’: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be intense in order to affect change, meaning that I must use some kind of energy such as anger or vengefulness or contempt as my motivation for affecting change, not realizing that within such a starting point I am only existing as energy and thus change is not real but rather just another way to get energy and live/experience myself as a high, as the mind is so insidious and tricky that it will justify this kind of behavior as rational and good because apparently it makes some kind of change happen, when this is not in fact so

 

on the positive side: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must ‘be in a good place’ mentally where I feel good and satisfied before I can work on myself/my process/affect any kind of change, or that things must be perfect in my life or everything has to ‘be right’ or that I must have certain wants/demands met before I allow myself to work on myself and affect any real change, believing that I need or require to be stimulated into some kind of positive experience as the experience of positive energy to be able to move myself, as this is just another way for the mind to justify getting what it wants under the guise of ‘doing something good/positive’

 

I commit myself to not move myself in my process according to energy as positive/negative feelings and to no longer depend on energy for self movement, but rather to breathe through energy and not act on it, even if it is presenting itself/justifying itself as being ‘for the better’/’for change’, I do not follow such desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions and simply breathe through the energy

 

the second entry:

 

process doesn’t ‘feel good’ for the mind because in essence you are constantly correcting and disproving the mind, and the mind as ego doesn’t like to be wrong – what is then experienced as being ‘hurt’ and ‘unpleasant’ is actually allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow as the point is then opened up once the illusions of my mind are shattered, which is experienced as this perception of ‘feeling hurt’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in process by existing within/as the desire for positive energy wherein I place the condition on my living/application that process must ‘feel good’ as an energetic experience, within the belief that good feelings are what is important in life and that process as self improvement/change should somehow be a positive feeling experience – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make this association and within it, stop myself when facing points that I experience as ‘difficult’ or ‘being hurt’, especially in contrast to this belief, and within this not realizing that the bad feelings, which are essentially just a form of fearing change/tricking myself into not changing, is not real and just another trick of the mind experienced as ‘feeling hurt’/’feeling wronged’ by another, and I no longer allow myself to use this justification as self sabotage/self limitation as I see, realize and understand that this energy is not real but just the mind not wanting to accept the truth and lose illusions, unwilling to accept this experience of ‘being hurt’ and unwilling to support myself to breathe through this experience and keep moving

 

I commit myself to, in the moment that I am experiencing negative energy as the experience of being ‘hurt’ by others/’having my feelings hurt’, to stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is a trick of the mind as ego to stop self from moving forward through the justification that I don’t want to have negative experiences, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am able to breathe through such experiences as they are not real, and just the mind fearing to lose itself/lose illusions – and thus when I experience this, I stop the fear through breath and keep moving in humbleness and humility

 

third entry:

 

feeling ‘stumped’ investigating words: I was not able to tell whether or not the word ‘process’ carried a positive energetic charge – but when I ‘talk it out’, it is like ‘of course it is good, how could process ever not be good?’ and then I realized ‘well, it is difficult as hell sometimes and not experienced as good!’ – so already I am seeing here how the word can easily get polarized – I also see how in looking at how I view this word, I was actually just trying to view it again, rather than looking at my actual experience of it, meaning: how am I living this word? How am I experiencing it n real time? And this is where reality sets in: I experience process as all kinds of things – specifically, I experience it positively as an idea in the mind, because process is like, awesome, right? lol. And then in reality I experience it as difficult and arduous. So the arithmetic here is quite simple. I am creating the negative experience in reality through the positive experience/definition that I have created within/as the mind – process requires no positive connotation/energetic charge, because after all, process is just common sense. It is who I am and the process of self discovery wherein I remove the layers of systems that limit me and see who I really am – and thus process can in reality carry no positive connotation because it is simply who I am – and thus if I am to live process for real, no connotations/positive energetic charges may be allowed to exist

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have given process/applying myself in process a positive energetic charge/connotation as I see, realize and understand that my process is an expression of who I really am and simple, obvious common sense as the necessity to express myself as who I really am

 

Thus, I commit myself to stop and breathe where and when I see myself defining/believing/judging process to be a ‘good thing’/positive thing as if it were some kind of tool/commodity for the mind/ego, as I see, realize and understand the common sense of process and that if I continue doing it from a starting point of believing that it is good/positive, I am in fact making process more difficult to effect in my reality because I believe it will be fun (as the mind experience fun as energy) when in fact it is just straightforward physical work/application and carries no energetic charge, and thus I am simply setting myself up for disappointment as this experience will feel negative in contrast to the positive experience that I created in the mind which I then believe/expect process to be – I stop all judgments of process as they arise as my thoughts

Day 252: Giving to receive

Today I was quite irritated. It was not a nice experience. Fucked up my whole day and made it difficult to concentrate on work. I retraced by steps and tried to see how it all started – drawing from both recent memory/experiences and also long term memory/experiences from things that happened to me way back in my life which have had an effect on the person I am today and how I view things.

The irritation was based on a point of feeling ‘unfulfilled’ – like I just was not satisfied. But it had to do with the behavior of another, where I had blamed another for this experience of being unsatisfied. When in fact it was me who created this experience through desiring to have a particular kind of experience with this person in the first place, by having certain expectations and desires about this person and my experience with them. Wanting to experience something positive. It is fascinating how through our desire to create a positive experience, we actually create the exact opposite – or maybe we do create the positive experience for a time, but then set ourselves up for inevitable disappointment through setting this experience as the new standard which we then impose and expect to be met, and the expectation isn’t met. 

Not only this, but by living in such a way where we impose these expectations on others/our reality, we end up getting imposed on the same way. Eventually it just turns in a bunch of relationships where everyone is just using each other for the experience they want. When someone brings us this experience, we play favorites with them and then they are apparently the people that we like’ or ‘love’ and all of a sudden we have given this person an ‘added value’, where they are all of a sudden ‘special’ or ‘more important’ than other people – but it’s not hard to look around at our world and see how these ‘special’ relationships always end up: in disappointment, anger, bitterness and resentment. We then distance ourselves and try to avoid those people who do not bring us such an experience.

It does not make sense to live this way. What matters is to see past the current circumstance we live in, because this world is not an equal playing ground and thus we have driven by a systematized way of living of having ‘friends and enemies’ based on how people suit our wants, needs and desires. Is this really a fair way to regard others, given the fact that no one really has control over where they are born, what their conditions are and thus whether or not they are able to be ‘of worth’ to others or not?

Sometimes it is difficult to understand why others do not live up to our expectations, when it seems like such a simple thing to us to do so – but it is necessary to again recognize that this world is not an equal playing ground and thus while it might come of ease for some to be of greater service/value to others, it may be extremely difficult for others to be of such service/value based on the little value/service they were given in life.

Sometimes we forget our privilege and what comes naturally to us as ‘respect’ and ‘caring for others’ does not come as easily for some others. Living a life of value should thus be measure by what we are able to give to others – not what we are able to take – because those who are in a position to give receive the greatest reward and fulfillment that is beyond any kind of material reward or feeling of reward. Conversely, those who are limited in what they can give and do for others are those who suffer the most because it is only a reflection of what they have been given and thus even a reflection of what they give to themselves. 

The real mistake that I had made was giving to receive. Giving with the expectation that giving will always be equal in form – how can it be equal in form, when again, I am able to give more than others may be able to, due to the advantages I was born into in this life? Giving should thus not be measured in such a way. Giving should be unconditional. Giving should not be about having an expectation of some kind of return, even if the return is feeling good about ourselves for the fact that we gave – giving can only exist within the framework of our understanding and education, as a reflection of ourselves that we understand the very real circumstances which I have outlined, that plague and haunt our relationships and interactions. In other words, giving should only be the common sense recognition of sharing of ourselves that which is required to be shared to assist and support others where assistance and support is required. If we start splitting hairs about who gives more, or who we should give to and who not to give to, or which form of giving is right or wrong – we will never make any real progress, and rather still allow ourselves to be limited to and enslaved by the conditions that we are born into, which we have inherited from those who went before us.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give out of the desire to receive, to want to have a particular kind of positive energetic experience, and that I have allowed myself to disappoint myself through such a desire, in wanting/expecting a positive experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define giving within a moral context as ‘being right’ to give and quantify it as apparently, the more you give, the better you are – not taking into consideration that those who are able to give more are only able to do so because they are born into a world system where they are set up in such a way that they are always taking more, and never questioning the inequality and injustice that makes thiefs look good and charitable

We do this at a massive scale, for instance in western countries whose wealth is built on generations of abuse and manipulation, and then we come as saviors to the places who have been rendered destitute by such corruption

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that giving is simply a recognition of the reality of this world and that within such an understanding it may be necessary to support/direct/assist certain points, and that this is to in no way be defined by pre-existent conditions of identity/self definition

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have limited and defined giving/caring/support to certain forms that I express and within this, believing that if this exact same form/action is not reciprocated, that I am not being cared for/respected/supported/given to, not realizing that I am being self righteous in defining giving/caring/support to what which I am able to do, putting myself on a pedestal as being apparently superior 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give to/support/care for others unconditionally, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play favorites with those who I support/give to through defining them as special, based on how much I believe they may be able to give to me

I commit myself to give unconditionally as a recognition of what is necessary to be done to assist/support others, in whatever form is necessary, and to whomever necessary – even and especially if it is me what requires to give to me, so that I can then be more effective in giving to/supporting others

I commit myself to stop giving only to receive as having secret desires to receive as my starting point to receive, and to stop creating expectations for myself to be fulfilled, which always lead to disappointment

When and as I see myself trying to create a positive experience with others – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand this tendency to give within a morality context of trying to make a ‘positive experience’ for myself and the other, and how this is will only lead to disappointment as the giving is still based in desire and self interest, under the guise of morality – and this I do not participate in my desire to create this kind of experience and give in this way, as it arises in my thoughts/feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself feeling/experiencing myself as if I am not being given to/cared for/loved/supported and thus experiencing a point of disappointment/anger/frustration – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand how this is a reflection of how I have not in fact given of myself to myself and others, through acting from a starting point of desire, and how I have set myself up for this disappointment – and thus I do not allow/participate on such thoughts/feelings/emotions, but rather give myself the support through breath and writing to see why I am experiencing myself in such a way and what exactly it is that I have created as a desire for myself, and how I have sabotaged myself through giving from a starting point of wanting to take/receive

Day 199: How fear of loss has compromised my relationships

What I am noticing as part of my interaction within relationships, with women that I am interested in for a relationship/sex and within physical/sexual interactions is that the fear of loss influences my behavior greatly. In terms of the actual partner, I am able to desire a person quite easily as long as they fit the mold of what I believe I want, and then there is a rush on to make something happen with that person. While it might be fine to explore another person, this ‘rush to make something happen’ tends to take me away from the physical practicalities of interacting with them, learning about them, enjoying and experiencing them. It is the same with sex. Since I have done a fair bit of self forgiveness on the sex point, the desire for sex has not been nearly as overwhelming and consuming as it used to be, and yet I find myself still really wanting to ‘make it happen’.

It is like I have committed myself so extensively to the experience of sex that I am in a way still just going through the motions – like I stopped believing in God but I still can’t stop praying, because it has been so engrained that there is still this ‘higher experience’ out there somewhere waiting for me to experience it. The fear is like “I must have this person, because what if I can never have them again” or “I must have sex with this person because what if I can never get the sex again” or “I must have a relationship, because what if I can never have a relationship again” – within all of this, tacitly accepting that I will never have these things due to my fear of losing them, as if I believe I am inferior and can not get these things unless I do everything right and really try hard, as if they are hard to attain, and then once attained, hard to hold on to.

The only thing that I can really ‘lose’ is myself and if I lose myself, then I have already ‘lost others’ because how can I have any kind of real interactions if I am lost within myself? Practically speaking, that lost within myself is inferiority as a self image and the desire for ‘more’ – self interest and greed which always has me looking at people and life in a way where I have the ulterior motive of winning and benefitting from them somehow and being better and dominating in some kind of inner mind competition that I have allow myself to create as I have copied it from society and those who came before me.

I would rather live transparently. Live with nothing to hide and no regrets. Where I can be of assistance to other and simply work together, function together so that an outcome is created where everyone is taken care of and benefits as equals. Rather than changing who I am within experiences, my tendency has been to suppress and run from relationships/being with others because I don’t trust myself to change within them, but the reality is that relationships, being social and interacting, even sex, are really a normal part of life and have to be embraced. So they point here is to stop avoiding situations or ‘looking for the perfect one that will give me the best chance at changing’ because the fact is that I have to change myself and remain self honest, stable and constant no matter who I am with and what the circumstances are.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how the fear of loss has made me live and exist in such a way where I have the ulterior motive or winning and am always in a competition with others where I want to dominate and be in a ‘winning position’

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there is nothing outside of myself that I can lose as there is no such thing as having possession over others and that this desire to have possession over others and the fear of loss is actually the indicator that I have lost myself and thus the point is to stand in self honesty as who I really am without spite and fear and ulterior motives and in this way always be one with and equal to my reality and others around me so that I have never lost and I can assist others to never lose themselves

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge others in my mind or in deed because I fear them judging me and thus I will try and be pre-emptive and win first – not realizing that I am becoming a slave to this competition/game by copying it, accepting it and allowing it through my fear

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my fear of loss can only be based on losing myself to the mind – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as long as I allow desire as fear to exist, I am lost and I will thus lose everything as I am lost as that which I am is that which I create

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create something more within a relationship as a feeling or sexual experience through the fear of loss/fear of not having ‘something more’ – and thus I embrace the fear of loss through stopping all actions to prevent fear of loss as within this I am making the statement that I am not lost and thus I do not fear losing anything

I commit myself to stop acting on the fear of loss as desire and the attempt to create something ‘more’ in my world experience as the experience of myself and others

When and as I see myself trying to create something more than what is here – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this desire for a higher experience is based on the fear of loss as I am lost and thus if I act on this/participate in this desire, I am accepting and allowing myself to be lost and I will lose everything as I lose myself within this pursuit of a higher experience as self interest – and thus I do not allow myself to participate in this desire for something ‘more’ as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.