Tag Archives: men

Day 335: Are we creators, or consumerist clones?

 

From an early age observed other kids in my neighborhood and how every single other kid seemed to have more than I did. When I am self honest and I really look back at some of my long-forgotten childhood memories I see that there were instances where I observed how those who had more seemed to be ‘better off’ somehow, like they were more successful somehow, had more fun, even behaved as if they were superior to me somehow – and then there were the television commercials that presented the stuff that they had (at this age it was mostly toys) as being the most amazing things – so I really had this sense of missing out on something and that I needed to get that which I did not have.

 

We all seem to go through this basic point through varying extents because to a degree, the amount of wealth we are born into does have a significant impact on the overall quality of our lives and the experience of ourselves, at least within the context of the socioeconomic climate that we live in of competition and hierarchy.

 

A common result of this is the “the grass is greener on the other side” syndrome – where what we believe we desire doesn’t so much have anything to do with the thing itself, but more so with the underlying status of it, and the fact that it is in the hands of another and not ourselves. We tend to want what others have.

 

The reason I am bringing this point up is that – if you have read some of my past blogs posts, you’ll see that I’ve written quite extensively on relationships – and my interest is how this underlying psychological condition of ‘wanting what we don’t have’ plays a significant role in how relationships so often end up being about having control over another.

 

In our world, everything has become commodified – from nature to people to animals – we are so deluded by ‘the way of the world’ of competition and the desire to be dominant and have power and control, that virtually everything that is a part of our life becomes an acquisition in the pursuit of the personal empires we build for ourselves. I was completely unaware of this point within myself until another pointed it out for me – how I had the idea of what ‘a perfect life’ would be in my mind, as I observed in my reality what it mean to be ‘successful’ – the perfect house, car, wife, family, toys – possessions – we tend to not see this about ourselves and how we live because we become possessed by our possessions and the pursuit thereof – that’s why it is called brainwashing, because you don’t know you’re brainwashed (usually until reality gives you a hard smack in the face, if you don’t take it upon yourself proactively to investigate yourself).

 

My interest at this point is how this point of ‘the grass is greener on the other side’ and desiring humans as commodities for relationships fuels the so-called ‘physical attraction’ between men and women. Each gender has what the other does not. And if the attraction is homosexual rather than heterosexual, the point is still that one is desiring access to something that another has.

 

I have not investigated this point in depth, but to ignore the way in which we are socialized and it’s influence on the way we think, feel and experience ourselves, towards ourselves and others, would be foolish. We may not understand how, we may not yet know why, and so this directly indicates that there is ‘more than meets the eye’ in terms of the underlying reason for why we are the ways that we are. After all, we are only actually aware of about %10 of our minds as the conscious mind. Most of us, if asked the question why we like what we like tend to answer “because I like it” – this is called circular logic, something we tend to attribute to those who subscribe to something religiously. Are our likes, desires and preferences our religions? Has the desire to acquire possessions and consume our way to happiness not become a way of life on earth?

 

Letting go of desire is liberating to the nth degree, but as I have found, is not always so simple as the programming/conditioning of our culture/society exist at mostly a subconscious level – but what is possible is to make a commitment to work towards understanding ourselves sufficiently to be able to let go, and to make the commitment to ourselves to be ready to let go – we will lose everything anyways – and if there is any real ‘reason’ or ‘purpose’ why we are here on earth it is to show us that – that the fear of loss and subsequent desire to feel ‘alive’ through consuming, acquiring possessions and building monuments/legacies to ourselves is the greatest con we have ever convinced ourselves of, the greatest cosmic joke we have played on ourselves. What we perceive as ‘losing everything’ – that which we feat most – is giving up nothing for everything because we give up a lie to be able to embrace the truth: that there is nothing to gain: and within that, there is nothing to lose.

 

We can continue to believe that the systems of win and loss that we have indoctrinated ourselves with are real, or we can stop playing games with ourselves, grow up and take self responsibility in realizing that we are the source of it all to begin with, that there is no religion – theological, consumerist or otherwise – there is only us, and that which we experience of ourselves in this reality is only ever based on that which we create and give to ourselves. This truth of creation applies to absolutely ever facet and level of our lives and our selves. To see where we have abdicated and given away this power of ourselves is the journey to understanding what it means to create.

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Day 328: Culture of Ego

https://analphamalesjourneytolife.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/edfc2-femalefalseegosmall.jpg

 

Through utilizing the tool of self honesty as self introspection, I began to see that we live in a society where ego, selfishness and self interest is promoted extensively. It has become so pathological that within our interaction with others, we almost feel obliged to feed each others ego’s by finding ways to make others feel good about themselves. We observe and learn from a young age that: “If I can do something to produce this positive feeling within another person, then they will like me and favor me, I will be rewarded and recognized for this.”

 

People need to be reassured that they are special and that the identities they have created for themselves to survive by ‘being somebody in this world’ are in fact real and valid – people need validation. So we commend males on aspects of their masculinity, like for instance how we worship male athletes. We commend women on their femininity, that they are beautiful and pretty. We even try to commend children with over-exaggerated praise, as if they require the same validation that we as adults do.

 

The reason I am writing about this point is that I have seen this tendency in myself, but especially with regards to recognizing and complimenting female ‘beauty’ – appearances. But we all know how deceiving appearances can be. As aforementioned, the reason when tend to feed each others ego’s is because we believe we can somehow benefit from it, and in the case of a male recognizing the beauty of a female, the intent here is to feed their ego’s, which will hopefully reflect well on the male. Blinded by our own selfishness and desire, what we foolishly fail to realize is that we are partaking in a game of selfishness where everybody is secretly competing for their own self interest, their own personal success that does not regard the success of others equally.

 

Naively, I played the game and extensively fed the ego’s of some of the women that I lusted for – not realizing the true, twisted and evil nature of ego, not realizing the game I was playing and the danger I was placing myself in, by believing that I am partaking in something beautiful and wonderful, because maybe my desires were being met for a time, not realizing the ‘monsters’ within both of us that I was feeding. Ego, the larger it gets, can really take on some monstrous proportions, and that is why, once the veil of love and beauty is lifted because the tricks we use in playing this game no longer work and the energy runs out, things turn nasty and what was once a relationship of fake love turns into hate and war.

 

Of course this true nature of ego is hidden from the eyes, and the game is promoted so extensively as ‘normal’, and the feelings that we get from each other when we stimulate our egos is just so intoxicating , that this all can seem very innocent, far from what I have described above. Unfortunately, many who are intoxicated with these feelings or consumed by the shortsightedness of their own self interest will not consider what I am saying, to prevent calamity. Those who have gone through the consequences of participating in these games, and have the self respect to say ‘enough’, may consider and even relate to what is being shared here. Coming from a male who was raised to be obsessed with female beauty and conditioned to worship and pursue it, if it is possible for me to reconsider, then surely anyone can. Ego has become so ‘picture-based’ and ‘look-based’, that every single time we believe we are just recognizing a pretty picture, we should stop to realize and consider that we are actually recognizing and validating much more than just an image, but rather that we are supporting and validating the ‘image and likeness’ of ego.

Day 313: Male ego desires and control in a relationship

Here is the description of the ultimate female partner from the perspective of the male ego:

My ideal woman. My ideal woman should be sexy and beautiful, young and cute. She should be very innocent but a devil when I want her to be. Meaning she should be well behaved and never have a single impure thought, super innocent, but when I want her to basically be my own personal slut, she should be that. She should be completely loyal and love me to an obsessive degree, catering to my every whim. Of course she should never be disloyal and or change from this, so I don’t want any unpredictable behavior, and so of course I don’t want her doing drugs or hanging out with the wrong crowd who could influence her in any other way that may have her deviate from being the person that I want her to be. She should always be pleasant and never have a problem, and if there ever was one, she should tell me and deal with it in an absolute perfect way. I don’t want to have any tough confrontations, because that is too scary, I might feel like I could lose here!

It’s all about control. It is all about self interest and of course it is never about what is best for all. Self serving and self preservation is all that matters in the eyes of the mind/ego. How do I know this? Well, I am human, and I am a male. I am not saying that all males are like this, but many secretly are like this, and really just try and get as much out of this as they possibly can. The same way we as individuals try to get ‘the best out of life that we can for ourselves’ – why would our relationships be any different? What is that feeling when you get a great deal at the shopping mall all about? “yes, I won! I got a great deal, it was a bargain” – but did you ever stop and ask yourself – who had to lose? If it is a great deal for me, if it wasn’t a total fair and equal exchange, then who lost out while I benefitted? It is a simple arithmetic.

Much self forgiveness is required, point by point – here I will start with ‘the ideal woman’ that every man wants.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to have a woman that only suits my self interest and beliefs about what will please me and make me happy, because I fear to face myself and be alone with myself and thus want someone to constantly stimulate me into some kind of a positive experience and never break the flow of energy of positive feelings so that I can stay drugged forever with positive feelings and never actually have to face reality, learn, grow and become a better being for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to ‘have it both ways’ with a woman where I want her to be pure and innocent with all others but then be willing to do any deviant or nefarious act so long as it is within the context of what I believe I want and what makes me happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have a woman obsess over me and cater to my every whim and believe I am/treat me like I am a God, and if I so happen to treat a woman like a Goddess within this context, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to only do so because this is what I want in return, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give up the act and let her see me as a regular person/equal within the self trust that I will stand for life and support her in all ways to see, realize and understand the value that she and I as life both have and share

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to obsess over loyalty and obedience and a partner being the things I believe I want her to be, only because it stimulates/feeds my mind/ego with the energy it needs to be able to exist, and within this, that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify such controls as being in her best interest by associating it with her being a ‘good’ and ‘loyal’ and ‘trustworthy’ person who ‘never does anything bad’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire for my partner to never do any drugs or anything devious or be influenced by others, but from a starting point of wanting to control her because I fear that she may not be the loyal servant that I want who will give me everything I want

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I want, need and desire a woman who fits all of my criteria that is easy to control and is perfect and never has problems and is always pleasant and never confronts me or gives me difficult challenges – as I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my positive energy experience and believing that a relationship with a woman must be a positive energy experience, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to be challenged is actually quite cool because it gives me an opportunity to look at myself and become a better person who is able to be more effective and directive in caring for life

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship and always take points of challenge/conflict/emotional reaction back to myself so that I may correct and improve myself and thus have a more enjoyable experience of myself and relationships that is actually real and not energy/illusion based

I commit myself to let go of any criteria/ideals that I have created about my girlfriend needing to be perfect, sweet, innocent, pleasant, harmless, obedient and never making mistakes – I commit myself to stand as the being that I would like to see others stand as and no longer blame others for their shortcomings but rather trust myself in self honesty to stand as the example, no matter how difficult it seems and how intense the fear may be of how another is living and what they may do to me

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to control my girlfriend because I fear that she may harm me, and even justify this fear/desire to control as it being ‘good for her life too’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this desire to control is just the ego fearing unpredictability so that I do not have to stand for/as life with integrity – thus I do not participate in this desire to control my partner as it arises within my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself wanting to escape/give up on the relationship because I see that my partner is having problems/is not perfect/is doing things that may have negative/unpredictable consequences in the future – I stop, I breathe, I see how I am deceptively trying to escape the situation using the ‘what if’ fear and that I am only doing this and focusing on another not being perfect because I myself do not want to give up the fear of what others may do to me and rather stand unconditionally as the example as what is best for all life – and thus I do not participate in this desire to give up and remain here as the living example, by not giving into this desire/justification/deception, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions would have me do

When and as I see myself wanting desiring to treat my partner like a Goddess – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is only ‘giving to get’ and that I fear if I do not do this, she will not think I am special too and treat me like a God and might leave and thus I could lose my energetic experience with this person – and thus I allow myself to remain here as breath, treating my partner as an equal through showing her who I really am, with the self trust that by showing her who I really am in self honesty as life, that the value of life may be realized as this gives the only chance that we could ever share real life as equals and one – thus I do not participate in this deceptive desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship, and to embrace another with all their flaws and fuck-ups, through embracing and facing myself and all my fuck ups with self honesty and self corrective application, so that no matter what another does/is living, I remain here, trustworthy with/as life

Day 308: Re-defining who I am in my relationship to women

When I am bluntly honest and direct with myself about my relationship towards women, within the point of attraction to females, I can say without a doubt that I am existing within a point of desire that is then expressed as lust – and energetic experience where I experience both exhilaration at getting what I desire or the prospect of getting what I desire, and then the other side of the coin, sadness, anger, a feeling of loss when I do not get what I want or do now have any hope/prospects.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined being young and ‘cute’ as being being beautiful, special and ‘worth more’ – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘cuteness’ as being young and small and having a high pitched voice and having certain proportions where there is ‘baby fat’ that makes one look young and pudgy, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have realized the trap of cuteness and defining certain things as cute and giving them a positive energetic charge because subconsciously I am aware that being cute means not being a physical threat and that I have more physical power over that which is cute and thus believe I can control it and do not need to fear it because it can never hurt me – not seeing, realizing and understanding that the deception of ‘cute’ as apparently being desirable and harmless is in fact an insidious way to control me through me being favorable and extra-kind to that which I define as cute within the belief that it is harmless and desirable, as that which I seek to control and have power over because I have it, will end up having power and control over me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined the female body and its shape/curves as being special/more than/desirable because this has been presented to me time and time again through media as being special/desirable, as something that will apparently bring me happiness and fulfillment if I can have access to it and control it because in the mind it is has been turned into a commodity to be sought after, owned and possessed – not realizing the trap, like with any possessions, that that which I give added value to that is not real as commodities will end up possessing me because I then create a dependency where I am ‘less than’ and experience myself as ‘less than/going without/losing something’ if I do not possess such things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define women as being desirable within the principle of ‘wanting that which I am not/wanting that which I have separated myself from’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding the desire/need/want/dependency that I have created through defining myself as separate – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire certain attributes of females that I have further defined myself as separate from such as: dark skin, soft skin that feels different, skin that is not mine, differently shaped eyes, cheeks, nose, smaller shoulders, breasts, buttocks, the vagina, female body fat, small body size, female leg shape, lack of body hair, long hair on the head, long eyelashes, long nails, slender hands and arms, differently shaped lips, big lips – everything about the female body that I have defined as desirable because I have defined myself, and within this creating the belief that I must gain access to/control over that which I have defined as separate from myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of ‘comfort’ when I have access to/have a feeling of control over that which I have defined as desirable as the female body, wherein I feel comfortable and safe because I have what I believe I need and momentarily subside the fear of losing that which I have defined as needing/valuable – not realizing that this comfort is in fact just the momentary subsiding/escape from the fear of loss

I have seen within me that when I do not get what I want, or I consider the point of giving up all these points which I desire/have defined positively, I go into a kind of sadness, a kind of experience of hopelessness, where it is like my whole world is ending, like I am preparing for some big loss – this I have to realize is based on past experiences where I did not understand that my desires were merely desires – illusory creations – and thus, when giving up the desires, I would have to give up the whole relationship and any/all forms of interactions/communication. This is no longer the case. I am able to only give up that which is illusory and simply continue living and interacting otherwise – it is just that without desire, this living/interaction becomes a different kind of expression – this is something that must not fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of depression/negativity/sadness/seriousness when applying myself to change myself within a relationship or even looking at the prospect of changing myself in the relationship, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply look at such a prospect in the mind rather than acting directly, here in the moment as breath, as when looking at the point in the mind, all kinds of resonant memories are activated wherein change was only understood as the ending of all interaction and the relationship turned sour and I did not in fact change but just went into another relationship of the same kind – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear changing who I am and to simply remain here, rather than to look for a way out of the relationship so that I do not have to change myself in fact.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear transforming my relationship to others and to myself and within this, to fear the transformation of my interactions with others

When and as I see myself reacting to any point about a female which I have defined as being special/different/desirable/of high value/of great importance which pertains to their looks or any aspect of their expression that pertains to such definitions – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am only being stimulated according to how I have defined such people in this way, and that this stimulation is producing the energy that is moving me to act – and thus I do not accept and allow myself to be stimulated by or to act on such points as they arise in my interactions with/observations of females as my thoughts, feelings and emotions about females

When and as I see myself reacting to females within such definitions as they are cute, soft, curvy, well proportioned, dark skinned, feminine sounding, have long hair, slender hands and arms, big or different looking eyes, small body and all other points that fit within the definition of the female archetype that I have created in my mind within a point of separation/fear of loss and the subsequent commodification and valuing of such an archetype that I have separated myself from – I stop, I breathe, I do not act on my reactions to such points as I see these reactions arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself feeling/believing that I need and require to have access to and control over such points as I have commodified them – I stop, breathe and I do not participate in such desires as the fear of loss and the desire to attain as they arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I remain here as breath, stable and constant, and without fear of loss

When and as I see myself going into a negative experience of myself of sadness/loss/depression/hopelessness/seriousness – I stop and breathe as I realize that such a perception is ‘making more out of things than there really is, because this is how I experienced changes in my relationships in the past, as completely negative and turning into spitefulness and hatred and the complete stopping of any communication due to this – and thus I do not overcompensate for this point of self change as going into this emotional reaction, thus allowing myself to remain here and face the points here in the moment as myself as breath, and no longer look to the mind as negative emotions/feelings/thoughts based on past experiences as a way of not having to take self responsibility here in the moment and direct myself as breath unconditionally and without fear

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I always have the tendency to desire that which I believe I am separate from, only because I have defined myself as separate to it in the first place, based on past experiences, and tat I only desire such points based on this self definition/definition of others as the belief that I am separate/not one/not equal and the fear of loss created within such separation.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the comfort I experience from attaining/having access to/having control over a woman’s body is in fact only based on this fear of loss and thus to enjoy the experience of having access/control over such things as I have defined them as separate, is only a momentary escape/appeasement from the fear of loss that I have created and am existing within/as

I commit myself to change and transform who I am within relationships and my interactions within females to stand as one and equal, no longer existing within/as separation and fear of loss, and to do this in the moment without the mind guiding me and any backdoors that the fear of loss may try to open – I commit myself to change who I am unconditionally and without fear within the faith and understanding that if I give of myself unconditionally within equality and oneness as that which I would like to receive, that the outcome will always be that which is best for all life.

Day 305: What I believe I want in a woman

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have made the association between sex/the experience of orgasm with ‘love’ and being cared for

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the touch of a woman’s skin and body, and that I’ve associated such experiences and having access to such experiences with having a sense of control/power and therefore happiness

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire the touch of another as an energetic addiction to this experience of perceiving that I am in control of what which I only believe will support and take care of me

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn women into commodities and objects that fit a profile of what I apparently want and believe will make me happy and save/make my life whole

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play power/manipulation games wherein I jockey for positions of power with another in order to present myself/assert myself as superior, as a way of having others submit to be able to get what I want – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make judgments on others when I do not get what I want

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go looking for another person who will satisfy my desires and fulfill my addictions when I do not get what I desire/have my addictions fulfilled by my partner, as a way of being spiteful towards my partner for the experience of being angry/frustrated because I am not getting what I believe I want – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my desire for sex/liking others/desire for interaction/desire for ‘love’ on actual spitefulness towards another – or as the expression goes ‘to find someone on the rebound’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my love for one on my hate towards another – specifically, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my desire/love for a woman/partner on my spitefulness/hate/lack of self acceptance of myself, where I go looking fir fulfillment because I am not recognizing myself fully and living myself to my full potential, which are reflections of self hate, self rejection and beliefs about self not being good enough or inferior

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame others (women) and representations on women found in the media, for exciting my desires and ‘teasing me’ by stimulating me into having desires – not seeing and realizing that I am the directive principle within such a point and thus it is up to me whether or not I accept and allow such desires to exist within/as me

 

When and as I see myself looking to another to fulfill my desires for what I have defined as love and caring, looking for a feeling of fulfillment – I stop, I breathe, and I do not continue participating in such desires as I see, realize and understand that such desires are based on how I have not loved myself and recognized and lived myself fully, but rather created beliefs about how others are somehow superior and can therefore save me

 

When and as I see myself thinking/feeling that another is beautiful because of how they look/feel, I stop, I breathe, and I see, realize and understand that such beliefs are actually based on how I have defined perfection in my mind and made associations with perfection/happiness/fulfillment with a certain image/experience of a woman – thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in such feelings, thought and beliefs about another apparently being beautiful or special

 

When and as I see myself wanting desiring a woman only because I believe it will ‘be good for my life’ as if having a partner is some kind of commodity as part of a greater life plan – I stop, breathe and do not participate in such desires as I see, realize and understand that such beliefs were only designed in fear and survival, where I used an observation of having control over others as apparently being satisfying and making life happier and safer

 

When and as I see myself playing games of power/manipulation/jockeying for position with another as a way to try to get them to do/be what I want as what I have idealized about what roles others must play in my life – I stop, and breathe and do not attempt to do such things as I see, realize and understand that it is impossible to make another do what I want and control them and that this will make me happy because this desire and belief of happiness through control/manipulation is only a belief that I created by using what was presented to me in my world as apparently something that will make me happy

 

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that – due to where the desire for love/affection/attention is coming from, as a place of self neglect, self rejection, and spitefulness towards self and others, that any desire for love as an idea about having someone in my life in a certain way/’role’/character is only based in spitefulness and the beliefs created in spitefulness that having others play such roles in my life will apparently make me happy.

 

When and as I see myself judging/blaming others/women/the media for stimulating my desires and belief about women, love and relationships, I stop, I breathe, and I realize a simple point which is that I am the directive principle and all desires/beliefs are only created, accepted and allowed through/as me and thus if they are allowed to exist within me, then it is because I am allowing them to be, and as such I am not able to blame anyone or anything for stimulating me, no matter how much or how great the attempt to stimulate me may be.

Day 300: Attraction

https://analphamalesjourneytolife.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/0f65a-22.jpg

 

Throughout my process I have been shown the importance of words and being specific with words. A long time ago I was introduced to etymology, and then the art of playing with words. This proved to be both fun and interesting, where you find things like the word ‘LIE’ right in the middle of the word ‘belief’, or that the word ‘good’ is just an extra ‘o’ away from ‘god’ while ‘devil’ is just the adding of the letter ‘d’ to ‘evil’. From this experience I became more accustomed to focusing on the ‘bigger terms’, like the ones that are more obvious or prevalent, and therefore maybe more ‘fun’ to look at and play with. What I haven’t done as much is incorporate this act of playing with words into my process as a practical tool within my process. There are many, many words that are part of my daily vocabulary which keep coming up, that I simply don’t look at.

 

Today the point of attraction came up in discussion with regards to my process. Or rather, the word attraction came up. What is attraction – when is it real? This is what I asked because the fact is that I experience attraction, but I really don’t know how it works. How can I allow myself to not even understand something that influences and controls my behavior on a daily basis?

 

Attraction

At traction

at ration

irration

at action

attack tion

attack I on

 

In a discussion today I was given some direction on this point in understanding that attraction (here I’m talking more specifically with regards to relationship/romantic attraction) is based on one’s pre-programmed design – based on this design they will like certain stuff or not like certain stuff, and they will be either attracted or repelled, accordingly. This is where ‘at traction’ comes in – I am on the right track, on the train tracks of my pre-programmed life design of what I like and don’t like, with good traction, like I’m stuck on the tractor beam pulling me along the journey of my preprogrammed fate.

 

Now this is a point I find extremely difficult to question, because it is like I don’t even know why I like the things I like, I don’t even know why I am attracted to certain things. Even more, I felt like I had already dealt with this point of letting go of the stuff I am attracted to, of giving up the stuff I believe I like – and yet here I still am living it. This is indicates the importance of being thorough in one’s process and not getting any ideas about what has to be dealt with and how to accomplish it. This is a process that can only be done in real time – as points come up, I deal with them practically. This has also been a challenge as I have found that the ingrained tendency to want to give up on myself/life is what drives me to do what I mentioned – sort of take on a point, try o get it done, get an idea about it that I am getting it done, and then it is like ‘ok, I have transcended the point now, I’m ready to change – this has been dealt with’. This can be especially so when certain points are related to others points, like in this case, the point of women and attraction – they are not necessarily one and the same, even though they may under the same umbrella of ‘relationships’ – several points may end up revealing themselves within this overall point, and each one has to be dealt with in specificity – and I have the time to do it.

 

So it is time for me to investigate this point on my own, in real time – to look at what I am experiencing with regards to attraction, currently in my life – what I am attracted to and all the points/reasons why/experiences of it. This is going to be interesting.

Day 289: Love is as a dependency and the need for attention

In the last post, I mentioned the point of a need/desire to have a sense/experience of having power and control in a relationship, from either a dominant or submissive position in the relationship as both positions carry their respective bargaining strengths in the negotiating process that relationships have become – a business in a tug-of-war for profit (power).

So from this point I wanted to write about the point of how we get this experience of having control/power through getting attention from others, which we call ‘love’. No matter what it is that we are seeking from others, in order to first get it, we need attention. Sometimes, what exactly we need becomes secondary and just the overall need for attention – as the underlying premise/knowingness that the other is here to submit to you and serve you – will suffice.

I noticed that this way in which we create an importance on getting attention, we then associate the experience of getting attention with ‘love’. You see it everywhere in relationships. You have liked experienced this to some degree or another yourself – where, in an experience where you wanted/believed you needed attention from another person, and did not get it, you suddenly went into an experience of feeling bad or sad or hopeless or like you are not important or ‘unloved’. I mean one could even be something as simple as the last time you sent and instant message to someone and they did not reply – and you took it personally. I have had this experience for as long as I have had relationships and as long as this is the way we are defining ‘love’ and believing that we need this experience of ‘love’, our relationships will always fall because they are always based in dependency and fear of loss. I mean it has been the same pattern in all my relationships – this need for ‘love’ as attention, which just increases and increases, like a drug addiction where you need a bigger dose every time, and then, before you even know it happened, the whole thing has just become complete dependency and control. It all just begins with not being intimate and honest with ourselves and embracing the beings that we are, and then from this, believing that we need others to complete us. We become so possessed by this belief (which is a self-defeating self-belief) that other people sometimes just look so ‘special’ and ‘great’, and we put them on a pedestal and fear to lose them so extensively. What kind of love is that? Then, when the ‘attention love fix’ no longer works, partners goes their separate ways and disengage – suddenly that person who we feared to lose so much is just another normal person. Insanity.

I am not saying that paying attention is not real. When we are able to exist as self fulfilled individuals, without this desire/dependency, then our attention becomes a much more natural, seemingly spontaneous, relevant and supportive act, where it is practical and conducive to life. Because the for of love as attention that we are used to is so fake and so flawed that we tend to just quantify it: “well if this person gives me X amount of attention, then it means they love me X amount” – it is so fake that this is why people can be fake and cheat each other and give the appearance that they care when they are only in fact motivated deep down by their own self interest. It becomes especially hard to see when we ourselves have not cleared ourselves of this point through being completely honest with ourselves.

There are times where, due to this frustration with never being fulfilled in this never ending quest for more and more attention, and the massive problems that it creates, I have wanted to just say “fuck it, fuck all relationships, fuck all people” – and just isolate myself. What I recently realized is that the problem is not with others – although they may share the same destructive habit that I do – the problem is with ME and this belief and desire and the dependency and selfishness and greed that it creates. I don’t have to say ‘fuck others’ – that would suck – what I can say is “fuck this dependency, fuck this self belief, fuck this inferiority and insecurity that has enslaved and controlled me so extensively and made me into a loveless slave master of others” – that is really the point that we don’t need and can give up at any time – and it is amazing – all that we feared losing all along may even end up falling right into our lap – the only difference is that then, the real challenge emerges: creating and designing a real relationship that is not based in dependency and the need to have power and control over others in order to feel good about oneself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look towards others for my own happiness – not seeing, realizing or understanding that this desire stems from the way in which I have abandoned myself and not lived my life to the fullest, unconditionally, which has created this self belief as inferiority and the need for attention which I then experience and believe to be love – thus I commit myself to identify moments in which I am wanting/expecting attention and to see in these moments how I have defined/equated love according to the experience of getting attention – I stop these habits and patterns and tendencies as I see, realize and understand that getting attention from others in no way means love and thus I stop and disengage from all moments where the tendency arises to quantify love as getting attention, as this desire arises within the mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I remain here as breath and no longer accept and allow myself to be controlled by this desire.