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Day 328: Culture of Ego



Through utilizing the tool of self honesty as self introspection, I began to see that we live in a society where ego, selfishness and self interest is promoted extensively. It has become so pathological that within our interaction with others, we almost feel obliged to feed each others ego’s by finding ways to make others feel good about themselves. We observe and learn from a young age that: “If I can do something to produce this positive feeling within another person, then they will like me and favor me, I will be rewarded and recognized for this.”


People need to be reassured that they are special and that the identities they have created for themselves to survive by ‘being somebody in this world’ are in fact real and valid – people need validation. So we commend males on aspects of their masculinity, like for instance how we worship male athletes. We commend women on their femininity, that they are beautiful and pretty. We even try to commend children with over-exaggerated praise, as if they require the same validation that we as adults do.


The reason I am writing about this point is that I have seen this tendency in myself, but especially with regards to recognizing and complimenting female ‘beauty’ – appearances. But we all know how deceiving appearances can be. As aforementioned, the reason when tend to feed each others ego’s is because we believe we can somehow benefit from it, and in the case of a male recognizing the beauty of a female, the intent here is to feed their ego’s, which will hopefully reflect well on the male. Blinded by our own selfishness and desire, what we foolishly fail to realize is that we are partaking in a game of selfishness where everybody is secretly competing for their own self interest, their own personal success that does not regard the success of others equally.


Naively, I played the game and extensively fed the ego’s of some of the women that I lusted for – not realizing the true, twisted and evil nature of ego, not realizing the game I was playing and the danger I was placing myself in, by believing that I am partaking in something beautiful and wonderful, because maybe my desires were being met for a time, not realizing the ‘monsters’ within both of us that I was feeding. Ego, the larger it gets, can really take on some monstrous proportions, and that is why, once the veil of love and beauty is lifted because the tricks we use in playing this game no longer work and the energy runs out, things turn nasty and what was once a relationship of fake love turns into hate and war.


Of course this true nature of ego is hidden from the eyes, and the game is promoted so extensively as ‘normal’, and the feelings that we get from each other when we stimulate our egos is just so intoxicating , that this all can seem very innocent, far from what I have described above. Unfortunately, many who are intoxicated with these feelings or consumed by the shortsightedness of their own self interest will not consider what I am saying, to prevent calamity. Those who have gone through the consequences of participating in these games, and have the self respect to say ‘enough’, may consider and even relate to what is being shared here. Coming from a male who was raised to be obsessed with female beauty and conditioned to worship and pursue it, if it is possible for me to reconsider, then surely anyone can. Ego has become so ‘picture-based’ and ‘look-based’, that every single time we believe we are just recognizing a pretty picture, we should stop to realize and consider that we are actually recognizing and validating much more than just an image, but rather that we are supporting and validating the ‘image and likeness’ of ego.

Day 313: Male ego desires and control in a relationship

Here is the description of the ultimate female partner from the perspective of the male ego:

My ideal woman. My ideal woman should be sexy and beautiful, young and cute. She should be very innocent but a devil when I want her to be. Meaning she should be well behaved and never have a single impure thought, super innocent, but when I want her to basically be my own personal slut, she should be that. She should be completely loyal and love me to an obsessive degree, catering to my every whim. Of course she should never be disloyal and or change from this, so I don’t want any unpredictable behavior, and so of course I don’t want her doing drugs or hanging out with the wrong crowd who could influence her in any other way that may have her deviate from being the person that I want her to be. She should always be pleasant and never have a problem, and if there ever was one, she should tell me and deal with it in an absolute perfect way. I don’t want to have any tough confrontations, because that is too scary, I might feel like I could lose here!

It’s all about control. It is all about self interest and of course it is never about what is best for all. Self serving and self preservation is all that matters in the eyes of the mind/ego. How do I know this? Well, I am human, and I am a male. I am not saying that all males are like this, but many secretly are like this, and really just try and get as much out of this as they possibly can. The same way we as individuals try to get ‘the best out of life that we can for ourselves’ – why would our relationships be any different? What is that feeling when you get a great deal at the shopping mall all about? “yes, I won! I got a great deal, it was a bargain” – but did you ever stop and ask yourself – who had to lose? If it is a great deal for me, if it wasn’t a total fair and equal exchange, then who lost out while I benefitted? It is a simple arithmetic.

Much self forgiveness is required, point by point – here I will start with ‘the ideal woman’ that every man wants.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to have a woman that only suits my self interest and beliefs about what will please me and make me happy, because I fear to face myself and be alone with myself and thus want someone to constantly stimulate me into some kind of a positive experience and never break the flow of energy of positive feelings so that I can stay drugged forever with positive feelings and never actually have to face reality, learn, grow and become a better being for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to ‘have it both ways’ with a woman where I want her to be pure and innocent with all others but then be willing to do any deviant or nefarious act so long as it is within the context of what I believe I want and what makes me happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have a woman obsess over me and cater to my every whim and believe I am/treat me like I am a God, and if I so happen to treat a woman like a Goddess within this context, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to only do so because this is what I want in return, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give up the act and let her see me as a regular person/equal within the self trust that I will stand for life and support her in all ways to see, realize and understand the value that she and I as life both have and share

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to obsess over loyalty and obedience and a partner being the things I believe I want her to be, only because it stimulates/feeds my mind/ego with the energy it needs to be able to exist, and within this, that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify such controls as being in her best interest by associating it with her being a ‘good’ and ‘loyal’ and ‘trustworthy’ person who ‘never does anything bad’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire for my partner to never do any drugs or anything devious or be influenced by others, but from a starting point of wanting to control her because I fear that she may not be the loyal servant that I want who will give me everything I want

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I want, need and desire a woman who fits all of my criteria that is easy to control and is perfect and never has problems and is always pleasant and never confronts me or gives me difficult challenges – as I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my positive energy experience and believing that a relationship with a woman must be a positive energy experience, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to be challenged is actually quite cool because it gives me an opportunity to look at myself and become a better person who is able to be more effective and directive in caring for life

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship and always take points of challenge/conflict/emotional reaction back to myself so that I may correct and improve myself and thus have a more enjoyable experience of myself and relationships that is actually real and not energy/illusion based

I commit myself to let go of any criteria/ideals that I have created about my girlfriend needing to be perfect, sweet, innocent, pleasant, harmless, obedient and never making mistakes – I commit myself to stand as the being that I would like to see others stand as and no longer blame others for their shortcomings but rather trust myself in self honesty to stand as the example, no matter how difficult it seems and how intense the fear may be of how another is living and what they may do to me

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to control my girlfriend because I fear that she may harm me, and even justify this fear/desire to control as it being ‘good for her life too’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this desire to control is just the ego fearing unpredictability so that I do not have to stand for/as life with integrity – thus I do not participate in this desire to control my partner as it arises within my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself wanting to escape/give up on the relationship because I see that my partner is having problems/is not perfect/is doing things that may have negative/unpredictable consequences in the future – I stop, I breathe, I see how I am deceptively trying to escape the situation using the ‘what if’ fear and that I am only doing this and focusing on another not being perfect because I myself do not want to give up the fear of what others may do to me and rather stand unconditionally as the example as what is best for all life – and thus I do not participate in this desire to give up and remain here as the living example, by not giving into this desire/justification/deception, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions would have me do

When and as I see myself wanting desiring to treat my partner like a Goddess – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is only ‘giving to get’ and that I fear if I do not do this, she will not think I am special too and treat me like a God and might leave and thus I could lose my energetic experience with this person – and thus I allow myself to remain here as breath, treating my partner as an equal through showing her who I really am, with the self trust that by showing her who I really am in self honesty as life, that the value of life may be realized as this gives the only chance that we could ever share real life as equals and one – thus I do not participate in this deceptive desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship, and to embrace another with all their flaws and fuck-ups, through embracing and facing myself and all my fuck ups with self honesty and self corrective application, so that no matter what another does/is living, I remain here, trustworthy with/as life

Day 208: What is your survival worth?


We live in a world obsessed with fear, where our mind is constantly riddled with thoughts of fear. And yet the irony here is that we constantly fear to lose our lives. So let’s look at that for a moment: our live experience is one of total fear – and yet we fear losing that? The problem here is obviously claiming that such an experience is something that can be called ‘living’ and that it apparently has value.

What is the point of being alive if your life isn’t worth anything of real value? I mean ok, if we lived amazing lives where we truly walked this earth making it an amazing place for everyone, serving all other life forms and truly contributing to others, that would be a life of real value, maybe then we could talk about how much life is worth and preventing unnecessary loss of such a thing. But what is the value of losing everything we have now?

We are fucking up the earth so horribly, both the environment and the animal kingdom. We have fucked up relationships that are just plain lies that are sugar coated in bullshit. We have fucked up ourselves within our relationships with ourselves where we don’t even value ourselves, we degrade ourselves to live as a shell of ourselves, wanting to be something we’re not, and never recognizing the real value we have and living to our full potential. Again – we fear losing this?

This is the interesting part about undertaking the process of killing your own ego/mind as the image of yourself/your world that you have accepted and currently live within. It seems like such a difficult thing, it is something you will resist so immensely – and yet when you step beyond the mind you realize what seemed so difficult to stop was actually letting go of nothing but an abusive and destructive illusion, to instead give yourself true freedom and be the best person that you can be.

And yet those who have lost so much self respect for themselves to the point where they don’t even give themselves the credit that it is possible to change, that there is something better, that they could be much more than they are now, will be so absolutely consumed fear as the underlying awareness of what they have accepted/allowed/become/done to themselves and their world, that they will chime in to say that it is impossible to change anything or that it is crazy talk.

You know what is crazy? This fucking world and what is absolutely bat-shit crazy is our ability to lie to ourselves that everything is ‘normal’ and OK. It doesn’t matter to what degree we have accepted the current reality as normal and, by contrast, how far-fetched it may be to consider that it is all just a lie – the fact of the matter is that it is all just a lie and I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be the one of the many who are going to have a real fucking hard wake-up call when they find out the truth of their world, their reality and themselves.

How real are your relationships when it is a known fact that the human lies every ten minutes? How real is your love in a world where we allow children to starve? How real is your ability to assess reality for what it really is when we live in a completely hedonistic culture that is constantly entrenched in personal addictions like alcohol, drugs, sugar, sex (just to name a few) to be able to cope with and escape their reality?

We have replaced the real reality with the energetic ‘high’ experience we use to escape it, and yet we continue to fear losing what we will and must lose.

All illusions come to an end, eventually and inevitably.

Day 194: Die well, Bernard Poolman

I’m here to speak about Bernard Poolman, who passed away on August 11, 2013. When I heard of the news at first, I had to re-read the words a few times to make sure that this is what I was actually reading. I was flabbergasted. In shock and disbelief. I didn’t expect it at all, I mean I had even thought before about what it might be like in the future one day when I am in my 50’s and Bernard is in his 70’s, what life would be like then. This was totally unexpected as there was no kind of illness leading up to his death. My initial reaction was to try and make sense of it – how it happened or what it means, so that I can understand it sufficiently to make some kind of value judgment on it.

The truth is that in reality death is just another part of life. Life is life and has no beginning or end as it is life, and thus with every death as an ending, there is also a new beginning. As I am writing this, I am reminded that Bernard was actually the person who assisted me to open my mind and see death in a different light – not as something negative to be feared and avoided as we are taught to, but to embrace the opportunity that presents itself within change.

There was some sadness within my reaction to Bernards death, but interestingly enough I noticed that there was actually a part of me that kind of wanted to be sad. The fact is that (once again, as I remember Bernard once saying) sadness is pointless, and if I really look at it self-honestly, the desire to cry is really a selfish thing. I say this because Bernard was a being who truly lived every breath like it was his last: he did everything possible while he was alive on this earth to support me and all life to self-realize. He had already since a long time ago given me and everyone else the necessary tools to be able to create a life of perfection, to create a heaven on earth for myself and all of my brothers and sisters. He truly did everything possible to enable people rather than be dependent on him, and for this reason, I or no one else require Bernard to be around any longer for us to do what is necessary to be done to create a world that is best for all.

The only reason I could find for wanting him to stay is to have some sense of security, that ‘everything is ok because Bernard is here and he is almighty’ – which would then be the exact opposite of his message and a selfish thing because as long as I have this warm feeling rooted in dependency, then I will not change.

Bernards death drives this point to home. It is like a father figure dying in the sense that there is this cold, hard realization that ‘oh shit, I am on my own now, it is all up to me’ – and it is perfectly fitting because again, this was the message all along and it only reflects to me where I had missed the point of it.

It is funny how even in death Bernard has me looking at myself in self honesty. Everything he ever did always lead towards this same outcome: to support others to realize themselves and take responsibility for themselves, and I have never met a being that was so selfless and so impersonal, and yet was ‘so close to me’ – although these words are insufficient to explain this because it was more than that: with Bernard, if even for a moment of being with him or in his presence, you truly experienced what equality was and could be, what it was like to be beyond separation, and one with and equal to another being that is truly you, living in another individualized expression. I had never experienced anything like it.

Of course I will miss him and his expression, but within living oneness and equality, nothing is truly missed because again, the point is not to stand as separate to this point but to actually become one with and equal to it.

So getting past how I relate to the death of Bernard, I would like to speak more on the actual man he was, for anyone who is interested to know from my own personal account. I first encountered Bernard through the Desteni forums in October 2007. He didn’t often write large posts nor did he need to – I was always amazed at how powerful and directive his words could be, and yet with so few words and such simplistic terminology. The things he would say rang throughout existence as they were words that seemed to encompass an understanding of life in it’s entirety – and so within this the words would also ring true in my own life. The kind of words that applied directly to everybody’s life which everyone could relate to, providing us with clarity and stability along with intrigue and fascination. In a short time and with a few simple words, Bernard had already changed my life and opened my eyes to new perspectives that I had never before fathomed, yet explained everything that I had been experiencing in my life and that I had yearned to understand. After some time of asking questions on the Desteni forums, the first words he had ever spoken to me “you will not understand with the mind” were groundbreaking and spoke volumes to me, having vast implications over my life and how I would perceive everything in my life from this point onwards.

I knew that although I did not always fully grasp what this man was saying, that his words and his message were something that I really had to come to understand if I was ever to understand myself and this world, which he had already shown me, there was much, much more to it than I was aware of. Through very tough times I was extremely fortunate to have him here, and despite being a person as dedicated, committed and busy as he was (he once mentioned to me that he gets about 1000 e-mails a day) he was always there to assist me when called upon. There were never any pleasantries or small talk with Bernard, something that might be unnerving, and yet it was never needed as the substance of your interaction with Bernard spoke for itself – no reaffirmations were ever need to convince yourself that your experience with him was a positive thing, as is so commonly the case in all other day to day interactions with people.

Through the stability and purity of his words, Bernard showed his trustworthiness and there was not a single human being that I would have trusted with my life any more than him. And when I say ‘my life’ – I do not mean in terms of my survival or self interest – quite the opposite, as in that sense he posed the greatest threat! And yet despite any fear of loss or change, Bernard always has and always will stand as the reassuring example and stability that this is process of self change that I am undertaking is what must be done, that this is who I really am.

In March of 2010 I was fortunate enough to go to the Desteni farm and meet Bernard face to face. When I walked into the kitchen of the main house for the first time, he happened to be walking directly towards where I had come in, immediately stuck out his hand to shake mine and said “stop following me”, which was something that was written on a graphic T-shirt I was wearing at the time, and coincidentally this statement made from my shirt related directly to my process. There were many of these kinds of funny moments. I was initially very nervous to be meeting what I considered such a great man, and yet by the time came that I actually met him, all of that completely vanished and it was unexpectedly natural and fluid, it is like his presence allowed me to really be myself, and contrary to how I can be, I found myself extremely quiet in his presence, as if every word I could speak, before I could speak it, was reflected back to myself and so before my mouth even opened, I knew whether or not I was talking shit.

I noticed that Bernard moved very fluidly in everything that he did, he was always working hard at something, he was extremely dedicated and yet always cool, and he was always being followed by about 10 dogs! Surely they also enjoyed the stability of his presence. Having conversation with him was fascinating – he would show me things about myself that I was not even aware of, he would explain things about myself and existence that I could barely fathom, and within this it was always implied that he had the faith in me to eventually get what he was saying, despite how small or insignificant I may believe myself to be. Bernard was a person who had absolute faith in the potential of the human, despite all evidence pointing to the opposite, despite how much we may not believe in ourselves, he did. And while I had some fascinating discussions about the ‘bigger picture’ of life, no conversation or task was ever too small for Bernard. As an example, there was a time that I was trying to figure out how the fizzy drink machine in the kitchen worked. He showed me effectively how to use it and that was it. A seemingly small thing and yet it shattered any kinds of delusions of grandeur I may have had about him.

I always expected Bernard to be ‘hard on me’, being aware that he was not one to accept anything less than ‘who you really are’ – and yet he never judged me, and was actually very gentle in giving me just exactly what was needed to assist me with a point – nothing more, nothing less. Bernard had truly given himself up in service of life, and all the most acclaiming words are not enough to describe what it is like to experience a being that is so trustworthy and so pure. It was not about what he did, it was about who he was, as all of his actions indicated that this was no acting job; he had truly gone inside himself and sorted himself out as the creation of who he was. He was that person that everyone wished they could be, the image and likeness of perfection that is possible for every human to become – and by no magical means; he had dedicated himself and walked through his own process of doing whatever it took, of giving up whatever was necessary to do what is best for all life and to be a being who could be trusted with life and was the true image and likeness of God.

It was an amazing experience, and yet it was very normal. It was very ‘special’ by contrast of what the human has become, something flawed and evil in nature, but in terms of what life should be like, it was just normal. He didn’t have super powers, he couldn’t fly or do things that would make you go ‘ooh ahh, look at how special he is and superior to everybody’, he had no extraordinary skills or talents or gifts put on display, he was, as he explained, ‘just a beast’, and his mind was darkness. “There is nothing, just darkness” He said to me about what goes on in his mind. And yet with no mind, this man had been more capable and effective than any human being I had ever met. With any person in any given moment, he seemed to know exactly what was going on with that being and exactly what to say which would be something that resonated right through the core of your being and prompted a response.

And throughout all the chaos and bleakness of our world and our future, he provided a faith that was rooted in reality and thus a stability through certainty, that eventually, we would find our way, that I would find my way, because there was only one way; life as all as one as equal – and now that we know the way, we are on our way through the process that is taking place on earth. One of the earliest things I remember reading that he said about his own story was that ‘if anyone else had been in my position, they would have done the same thing – that is the faith I have in man’.

Some of you who know of my time living and working in Thailand may also be curious to know that it was Bernard who encouraged me to undertake this experience, which I initially had declined, and I am forever grateful for it as it has been an invaluable life changing experience. It was also Bernard that encouraged me to take on the Desteni I Process course, when I initially did not participate because I believed I was not capable of doing it – this was another life changing decision.

I suppose I could go on and on about the implications of Bernards time here on earth and what he had done to change this world to become a better place and a place that is best for all life. He has shown us how significant we are, within the point of ‘who we are’ – that you matter and that your life can be of great consequence, if you are able to let go of the illusion of self as ego and embrace yourself as the physical, as that which is really life. It is a tough process and yet the most rewarding thing a person could ever undertake.

My main experience with regards to Bernards death is one of regret – but again, this is more of a self reflection of a point that already exist within me, so here Bernards death is assisting me to look at myself. As an ongoing point, which I also experienced with regard to my time spent on the farm, I regret not having done more, not having applied myself more, not having lived as Bernard did as his equal; having done everything possible to honor life in every single moment of my existence. Even in his death he stands. He stands as the example, something that can never disappear or be forgotten as its effects are here and will remain here as those who walk in his stead. And so even in death has his message remained consistent: let’s get this done! That to honor life and sort out our world is still priority #1. Bernards death has lit a fire under my ass to really have me question myself, just as he did in life – am I doing everything I possibly can to stand for life?

Bernard once joked about how when we say ‘good bye’, we are actually saying ‘good buy’ – and to rather say ‘die well’. To the mind this may sound appalling, but if you really look at it, it is a self honest statement because everybody dies, and everybody would like to die well and we would all like each other to die well because that would mean that we lead a life on earth that was worth living, where we honored all other life as ourselves as equals. Bernard was a being who truly died well.

Die well, Bernard. You will be missed, but your message and what you stood for will not.