Tag Archives: secrets

Day 336: Relationships and Conspiracy

 

A while a go I remember watching a documentary by Adam Curtis called ‘The Trap’. It showed how through social engineering humans were being unwittingly influenced to essentially be completely selfish in their motives, conspiring against their fellow man in pursuit of personal gain, and live a life of complete paranoia and distrust of their fellow man within the assumption that their fellow man was living in the exact same way.

 

Now, this isn’t exactly news to me and I’m sure it isn’t news for many people, however it does hold value in substantiating and showing/documenting the way in which we as human beings live and the fact that this this of behavior is engineered, encouraged, promoted by special interest groups who study human beings like lab rats (often using actual lab rats to figure study our behavior patterns), of which the general public is not aware that this is taking place.

 

I mentioned in my last blog how the influence of our societal systems/norms has on relationships, where our relationship pursuits are contextualized by this mentality of seeking personal gain, even at the expense of others, where the people in our lives become commodities, assets to the personal empires we build to ourselves. Well, today a train of thought arose in my mind, where I was considering ‘worst case scenarios’ of my relationship, the fear of it ending and me being at some form of loss and within this, waging how I could come out of it best – basically, in a situation of conflict and deterioration of the relationship, who would ‘come out on top’. I found myself immediately considering each others status within the context of ‘who needed each other more’ and thus, if it ended, ‘who would be losing out more’, and within this, waging that I had the upper hand, having more wealth, status, being a male, coming from a more privileged country, etc. This entire train of thought happened so quickly, I mean I am really just mentioning all the information in a nutshell here, and yet all of this information and the considerations thereof happened in just a moment of thought. That is how dangerous our minds as the automation of brainwashing/conditioning that does not serve us can be. If I had not dealt with it in any way, who knows the consequences that such thoughts may have on my life…it is insanity, nothing less.

 

Through Desteni I have learned the importance of abandoning self interest and the fear of loss, the fear of my demise, through embracing all life as myself as one and equal. Yes, there is a lot of conditioning/brainwashing to behave otherwise and so learning to live this way is a lengthy process that takes hard work and serious commitment. But through establishing this base principle as a directive living principle, I have enabled myself to be able to – in moments such as this – abandon the fear of loss and embrace others as myself, retaining as my starting point the approach of always trying to find a solution that would be best for all, that considers others as equal and one to myself and thus to give to others as I would like to receive as the solution, to give to all equally.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base relationships and the desire to have a relationship in self interest and the pursuit of survival and personal fulfillment wherein I only consider myself as the one to be fulfilled, as such a consideration can only exist within a point of being brainwashed to fear loss.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to value myself and my partner in terms of their appeal as commodities, within the ideal of what would be a ‘valuable’ partner as such values of a person pertain to survival and may increase the chances/likelihood of survival based on their attributes, skills and status and how society values such points and thus how valuable the would be in the eyes of the system and how this would benefit me

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing such a ‘commodity’ as a partner, not realizing that I would not be losing anything but an accessory to my fear of survival

 

And within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play psychological games with myself/with my partner where we compete over who is more valuable and who needs each other more, rather than establishing a relationship of trust based within the principles of mutual consideration as equals as what is best for all, allowing myself to let go of the fear of what I experience as feeling ‘vulnerable’ because I am no longer competing to assert my value and worth within the pursuit and fear of survival in the system – but by embracing what the mind experience as being ‘vulnerable’ I am in fact allowing myself to be stronger than ever by letting go of the fear of loss and fear of others, through stopping the mind as ego and embracing others as myself in giving equal value and consideration to others

 

I compete myself to ensure that my relationship is not a competition, and that all of my relationships with people/interactions are not influence and compromised by this underlying fear of others as the desire to compete as I commit myself to embrace others as myself and always do that which is best for all in giving equal value and consideration to others as myself

 

When and as I see myself entering the fear of loss – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand how relationships have become a point of self interest and commodification/control/possession over others, and thus I do not participate in this fear as it arises in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to stop the desire to have other people in my life to serve as commodities to my ego and status wherein I look to associate with others who I see and judge as having value within the eyes of the system – thus I commit myself to judging people based on their value in the eyes of the system as their attributes, skills and status

 

I commit myself to stand as who I am, here as breath in self honesty, despite the fear of loss and in the face of such fears, no matter how intense the energetic experience of fear may be, rather than to instead try and gauge ‘what my chances are to win the game’ or ‘come out on top’ and to try and search for confidence and the ability to direct myself/make choices within evaluating myself and my own worth based on my value/worth in the eyes of the system/as determined by the world system/society – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for self value and confidence to act/direct myself/control my world only based on self definition as mind, and thus I commit myself to embrace the only real value that I have – the value of self as life as breath, here as a physical being with the brief opportunity I have been given to live and realize what life is

 

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Day 328: Culture of Ego

https://analphamalesjourneytolife.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/edfc2-femalefalseegosmall.jpg

 

Through utilizing the tool of self honesty as self introspection, I began to see that we live in a society where ego, selfishness and self interest is promoted extensively. It has become so pathological that within our interaction with others, we almost feel obliged to feed each others ego’s by finding ways to make others feel good about themselves. We observe and learn from a young age that: “If I can do something to produce this positive feeling within another person, then they will like me and favor me, I will be rewarded and recognized for this.”

 

People need to be reassured that they are special and that the identities they have created for themselves to survive by ‘being somebody in this world’ are in fact real and valid – people need validation. So we commend males on aspects of their masculinity, like for instance how we worship male athletes. We commend women on their femininity, that they are beautiful and pretty. We even try to commend children with over-exaggerated praise, as if they require the same validation that we as adults do.

 

The reason I am writing about this point is that I have seen this tendency in myself, but especially with regards to recognizing and complimenting female ‘beauty’ – appearances. But we all know how deceiving appearances can be. As aforementioned, the reason when tend to feed each others ego’s is because we believe we can somehow benefit from it, and in the case of a male recognizing the beauty of a female, the intent here is to feed their ego’s, which will hopefully reflect well on the male. Blinded by our own selfishness and desire, what we foolishly fail to realize is that we are partaking in a game of selfishness where everybody is secretly competing for their own self interest, their own personal success that does not regard the success of others equally.

 

Naively, I played the game and extensively fed the ego’s of some of the women that I lusted for – not realizing the true, twisted and evil nature of ego, not realizing the game I was playing and the danger I was placing myself in, by believing that I am partaking in something beautiful and wonderful, because maybe my desires were being met for a time, not realizing the ‘monsters’ within both of us that I was feeding. Ego, the larger it gets, can really take on some monstrous proportions, and that is why, once the veil of love and beauty is lifted because the tricks we use in playing this game no longer work and the energy runs out, things turn nasty and what was once a relationship of fake love turns into hate and war.

 

Of course this true nature of ego is hidden from the eyes, and the game is promoted so extensively as ‘normal’, and the feelings that we get from each other when we stimulate our egos is just so intoxicating , that this all can seem very innocent, far from what I have described above. Unfortunately, many who are intoxicated with these feelings or consumed by the shortsightedness of their own self interest will not consider what I am saying, to prevent calamity. Those who have gone through the consequences of participating in these games, and have the self respect to say ‘enough’, may consider and even relate to what is being shared here. Coming from a male who was raised to be obsessed with female beauty and conditioned to worship and pursue it, if it is possible for me to reconsider, then surely anyone can. Ego has become so ‘picture-based’ and ‘look-based’, that every single time we believe we are just recognizing a pretty picture, we should stop to realize and consider that we are actually recognizing and validating much more than just an image, but rather that we are supporting and validating the ‘image and likeness’ of ego.

Day 312: Always give the integrity you expect from others

(This post was written with regard to a reaction of anger and frustration I had towards another persons behavior recently, as I judged them as ‘untrustworthy’ and ‘secretive’, fearing what they might possibly do to me)

So about my reaction. It was so strong and intense. It was all about control and being pissed off about ambiguity. The desire to control is pattern, I am seeing. Due to my reaction, it was difficult to write with any clarity, I was completely fucked and the things I was writing were taking things way too far.

What is this control and desire to control about? It is about the fear of ‘what could happen’ – that ‘what if’ fear. It is the fear of what others could do to me. And that is, in a way, just the fear of myself and what I could do to others. It is just memories that haunt me, which have me in this permanent state of paranoia, and before I know it, I am already ready to ‘strike at others’, whether that is anticipating being hurt and how I would strike back, or whether being preemptive of this fear of being hurt my others.

Why is self preservation all that matters? If I did not exist this way, would the ‘what if’ possibility of what others could potentially to do me be of any concern? No. Just the same way it would be pointless to live in constant fear of being hit my a bus. Sure it could happen, it COULD. Does it matter? Not really. Because who I am is all that matters, as it determines how I experience myself for as long as I am here.

What I fear is my own self interest – because, even if faced with the evil of another, how can I possibly trust myself to direct the outcome in a way that is best for all, if I have not transcended the same evil myself?

The ego takes this ‘what if fear’ and projects it very deceptively onto others. But if I give up that which I desire that exist as self interest – what is there to fear of others really? What is there to lose? I just end up becoming intolerant of others because of these fears, I create desires and expectations about what others should be. But as someone said to me once: “always give the level of integrity that you expect.” And – save for situations where it is proven that I am being outright abused by another – this holds true. Nothing else matters and to ‘risk everything’ (in the eyes of the mind/fear) is what will be necessary to give such a thing.

This will be a brief post for tonight.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear what others can do to me, not realizing that this is in fact the fear of myself as how I am existing, and within this fear, that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and control others through placing expectations of how others should be, and that I have rather not accepted and allowed myself to be that which I would like/desire others to be, as I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this is the only way to create that which is best for all – to risk everything and live as the example

I commit myself to take self responsibility for myself first and foremost and to investigate and stop my reactions towards others and my desires/expectations of what others should be – and to rather remove such controls, which are birthed in fear, through standing myself as that example and to live with the integrity that I would expect from others as I see, realize and understand that this is in fact what is best for all.