Tag Archives: free choice

Day 226: Energy is a slippery slope – finding freedom in structure

Reflecting back on my day today I noticed how much more I probably could have done with it. I am finding it is crucial to challenge myself to live to my full potential, not waste time, and really make constructive use out of every moment that I am given here on earth. So what happened?

I let things slide. I did not put limits and boundaries on the fun I was having, the self interest I was indulging in. Self interest can work in self-honest moderation within the consideration/understanding of all life as equal to yourself, but given that we are raised to live the exact opposite of that, it is important to be careful on that point because it can really be taken too far quite easily. The main point is that I did not prioritize ‘what is best for all’ ahead of what I want. Even if those two points are in conflict with/contradictory to one another, it is only by putting what is best for all ahead of your self interest that would allow one the opportunity challenge their self interest.

So I didn’t, and before I knew it, the day flew by with all kinds of fuzzy nice experiences and warm feelings, but very little was accomplished in terms of positive  ACTIONS – that is the deceptive thing about positive feelings and positive thinking  – it is purely a mental experience, you are mental.

I should know this already, in fact I do know that self interest and stimulating yourself in such a way that makes you experience positive feelings is a slippery slope, I mean I have really learned this the hard way with past experiences with addictions to drugs and sex and shit like that. That is not a recommended experience. Now I am seeing it manifest in ‘smaller way’ as this example of today, but even then, the experience is still not a cool one. The more aware of this you become, the more you become aware of and thus begin to value even the smallest moments. So what is the difference between wasting 5 minutes of your life, a day, a week – it is all just a matter of degree. In that 5 minutes you could have made the world a better place than it is today, in 5 minutes you could have made yourself a better person that you were 5 minutes earlier.

Every single moment is so valuable that all it takes is a single moment of thought, of having a desire for some kind of experience, that that is all it takes to set a person off onto their socio-path of desire and self interest. And of course we can find all kinds of ways to justify our self interest: I need it, just a little, I’m tired, I need to relax, I don’t feel good and this will make me feel better, a little won’t hurt, I worked hard and I deserve it – etc.

It is already hard enough to change our habits that are formed from desires without having already given into, let alone when you start to give into them, it is like, too late, the energy is already flowing, and it just feels oh so good – I can’t stop, I don’t want to stop!

So this is the reason I am seeing more and more how important it is to set boundaries, guidelines, and specifically, to implement a schedule in my life as a fail-safe to make sure that this is impossible. This is an important point I realized a while ago with regards to the nature of the mind – that you are your own worst enemy and you literally have to take measures sometimes to ensure that abuse is not possible/not able to be allowed in the short term, until the abuse/self interest point has been sorted out and one can again be trusted with life as this time we are given here on earth.

Thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create a schedule for myself and be patient in understanding that this is a process of developing a schedule, and thus it is not to be limited by a schedule as I may fear, but rather to see how I can structure myself in a way where living is effective and enjoyable – to ensure that I can manage both to be the best that I can be and take responsibility for my world, and to also enjoy myself as an individual within my world experience, ensuring that these two points no longer conflict with one another.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that a schedule may limit me as I allowed it to/experienced it to in the past, and to instead simply work with a schedule within the understanding that it serves purely as a guideline of support to living the life that I have always dreamed of, but never knew how to structure and create effectively – after all, inherent in creation is structure, inherent in the ability to express in freedom is having the structure from which to express self

I commit myself to design and develop a schedule as a structured support/guideline, and to work with this point within the principles of freedom and self expression – not limiting myself to it, but rather working with it as I work with myself: a work in progress

Day 218: On peace and freedom

Freedom peace equality

One thing I realized about my tendency to want to escape reality, which is something that most people are doing in some form or another, is that it is due to how I have defined reality as being so stressful and difficult, a hardship, like a constant struggle, a war. So within this naturally there is a desire for peace. And within feeling so trapped, not knowing how things work or a way out, there is also a strong desire for freedom. That’s essentially how I have defined peace and freedom – as the momentary perceptual escape through the intoxicating energy experience of good feelings, where you escape reality for a moment because you’re lost in a delusion/illusion and it just feels so good. That is not peace or freedom, it is just how I have defined it. My initial impression of life, how it seemed to be, how it was presented, is not at all the case in reality.

Now it’s time to investigate the words ‘freedom’ and ‘peace’. This is a habit that I am developing in my writing and investigation, is to look into words and see the disparity between the reality of what words are to represent, and the unreality of how I have defined them in my own mind.


1. The condition of being free; the power to act, speak or think without externally imposed restraints

2. Immunity from an obligation or duty


Looking at freedom, I can see that the condition of being free is the power to act, speak or think from externally exposed constraints. So this brings me back to my initial impression of the world and people and how it was all presented to me, and how I adopted this definition within my self – I personalized it and it became my personal lies. This is what is so fascinating about the mind is that while these conditions are externally imposed on us, it is us who adopt them. So the key here is to not allow that imposition to exist, as an influence over my actions, my speaking, my mind. The key here is also no longer allowing myself to subscribe to this idea of peace/freedom, that is in fact a part of these ‘externally imposed constraints’ as the belief that I am escaping them through activities which create good feelings within me. The second is the point of freedom is immunity from obligation or duty. What is that ‘immunity’? It is the immunity to the stress and mental reactions which obligation and duty have always created within me, due to how I experienced obligation and duty, and what I believed/defined it to be, and thus the stress as thoughts/feelings/emotions that was created within it has been automatically associated – so the point here is to not try to escape the duty or even the mental experience that it creates within me, but rather to understand it, to forgive myself for it and stop it in the moment through breathing.



1. The state prevailing during the absence of war

2. Harmonious relations; freedom from disputes

3. The absence of mental stress or anxiety

Looking at the first definition, what I am looking for in the experience of peace is again the freedom from the mental friction created from daily life interactions and activities, as that mental friction is literally like a state of war on the body. The same can be said for the second definition about harmony and freedom from disputes – triggering conflict within me as reactions to my daily experiences. And then of course the third definition shows this point quite directly.

Another dimension of this is believing in something outside of myself, a thing, a person, and activity – whatever it is – there is something outside of myself which I give power to by believing that it can bring me this happy/positive energy experience by stimulating things that actually exist only within my own mind. It is a form of believing in a savior except the savior is just giving you and illusion and actually fucking you up badly, in reality. This is critical because within the belief that something else determines me or can save me, is implied that I cannot save myself, that I am not the directive principle – and that goes both ways – that I am both the one who is in fact creating those positive feelings/experiences, and the negative ones too! And thus understanding that if it is me who is creating them, it is me who can stop them, and will stop them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear dealing with bullshit, and investigating ALL things, due to not trusting myself to remain here and not react and direct myself within such experiences

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within the belief that I can trust my mind and that I must participate in the mind, believe that the experience of good feelings as an escape from reality is real freedom or real peace

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define freedom and peace as a positive feeling experience or a rush of positive feelings as excitement, within the desire to escape my reality within the belief that ‘reality’ is the negative mental experience that I have had of myself in the past

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that life, living and experiencing myself must be difficult, a strife, a war, a struggle, through creating a mental impression/representation of life in my mind and then believing this experience to be real/me/life – not realizing that I am able to stand here within and as reality and face myself/my reality through breathing through reactions to my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the illusion of positivity and good feelings is in fact sustaining the existence of the illusion of negativity as both exist within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in positive feelings and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that things that make me feel good can save me

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am in fact the one creating positive and negative mental experiences within me through allowing myself to participate in them if they are stimulated, and thus it is I who have the directive principle – not that which stimulates the mental experience within me

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that real peace and freedom are a self expression of the certainty that I will support myself and the dedication that I will do whatever is necessary to support myself – namely, to investigate the mind and breathe through mental experiences – and that real peace and freedom ‘exist from within’, meaning that true, lasting peace and freedom (among other things like joy, understanding and love) exist as the expression of me supporting myself here in the moment to be free from the mind and not allow myself to participate in the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions as reactions

I commit myself to stop all reactions and learn a new way – the way of learning and breathing, the way of existing, the way of being here, the way of life

I commit myself to never give up on myself by giving into the illusion of positive feelings and that I have no power/self directive principle, and to never again allow myself to believe that positive feelings as energy is life/the answer

I commit myself to stop all positive illusions so that I have the strength, freedom and peace of mind to take on the negative and sort out the evil that has come to exist within/as me and this world

I commit myself to face and stop and deconstruct all that which I have allowed myself to define as positive and negative so that I am not influenced/controlled by illusions that would have me abuse life

I commit myself to give up faith and trust in the mind and stop all mental experiences so that I may be able to exist/experience myself as life/who I really am and never again abuse myself or another