Day 322: Wasting a moment

 

Today I am experiencing this feeling of being ‘lost’. I feel tired now, because it is late and I didn’t get as much sleep last night as I am accustomed to. I did not accomplish nearly as much as I would have liked to today, because I gave into an old habit/desire of mine that really threw me off of my own self-directive principle. So now I am here late at night feeling regretful, as if I have wasted most of my day, like I have done almost nothing. I have done some things, but not nearly as much as I’d like to. When every day is not an improvement on the last, where I have not made progress and built on the days before, where I have not pushed myself to be more and do more: this is a loss for me. Every day should be an improvement on the last – otherwise what is the point of being here with this time on earth?

 

I gave into this habit, telling myself ‘I could handle it’, ‘I could recover and just carry on with my day’ – but something was different after I fell back into this habit, like I changed. Within allowing myself to fall back into this habit, I made the statements that: “this habit is more than me, I can just give into my desires, I don’t need to direct myself, I don’t need to stay focused, I don’t need to care about the lives of others and this world, my self interest is more important”. As a result there is a small experience of regret. How many beings in this world suffered and died unnecessarily today? Untold, countless amounts.

 

Within the mind/ego, where my self interest is the most important thing, I am completely separated and cut off from this reality. So by indulging in the alternate reality I am making a statement where I essentially give momentum and power to the mind, which becomes very difficult to then move against. As I was told a long time ago, “you can’t do two things at once”.

 

This is what makes process so difficult at times, this is what makes becoming a better person so challenging: you have to make the decision absolutely and walk it in every moment. In this moment of disappointment and dissatisfaction with myself, all I can do is forgive what I have allowed, learn from it, and move on – and not judge myself for falling, because it is our resolve to be better – in the face of all the evidence that ‘it is impossible’ – that will truly define us as worthy beings.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have wasted a moment and taken my time for granted, by allowing myself to fall to a desire and neglected how reality and making/living a decision actually functions: as a process of accumulation – by believing that I can fall and somehow recover from it and be the same afterwards, not taking into consideration what I am allowing, and thus the consequences and how difficult it will then be to recover from it, and that this recovery process is a difficult, not cool experience – I commit myself to not give up moments, no matter how seemingly small and insignificant, as I see, realize and understand the principle of accumulation and momentum, and that to truly make progress I must treat all moments equally in not squandering the moments, and equally using all moments as my opportunity to forge a life that is best for all

Day 232: Being alone and the illusion of myself

Yesterday I woke up with a large amount of fear and it was a distinct fear of being alone. It was the fear of being just here as the physical, without any people or thoughts/mind to keep me stimulated, to keep me in the illusion that I am busy, that I am not alone and that everything is ok. It is like I fear to be alone here in the physical because I fear death and know it is an inevitability. Why do I fear death? Seems natural to, I mean why would I want to give this life up? And yet the fact is that I have no choice. The real reality is that I have no choice and perhaps that is what I fear losing because that is what stimulating the mind as thoughts gives me: the illusion of choice.

So it is the real reality that I fear facing: that I am in a temporary body before I move onto the next point of my existence. What I also know is that within this temporary body, I am privileged – in fact I am in a position of total advantage where I have the most opportunity to abuse these advantages in the name of my own self-interest – while in reality I have the most responsibility towards life due to my advantages.

So this means that I have to live for others as well as myself and yet I find it so difficult to strike a balance. It is like my death in this world is so certain, and my survival feels like it is under such constant threat that I always have to make decisions that will ultimately serve me – and not in the next life – in this one. Perhaps in this regard the certainty of death is a gift to show that the fear of survival is not real, it cannot be real, because it is the fear of an inevitability – and with that inevitability is the certainty that life in fact goes on, it continues – just not in this privileged form. Why do I fear not being in the privileged form? Because I fear what those in the privileged form will do to me as I have done in my privileged form – abuse it and thus no regard others/take care of others. I fear myself essentially because I know what I am creating.

Self interest is always the carrot that ropes me back into this temporary illusion. Wanting to make the most of this life – and yet to give up this one life is a statement of making sure that all lives will be taken care of and the self-honest recognition that this is really how it works – the living statement of the understanding of the fact that your life extends beyond this one form/body. It seems like a lot to give up from the perspective of being in the illusion – and yet it is a lot to give up because it is a lot that is required to be corrected of our current world and that must be given to the future generations in order to create a future that is best for all life. There is no need to convince others, there is no need for others to even understand what I am doing or recognize it – what matters is that I am making a difference, and living the difference.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define/determine myself and my actions based on the system that I am existing within and to have used the rules of the system as the rules to abide by for survival as the rules from which I primarily exist and make all decisions, such as for instance believing that I have ‘free time’ because according to the system, I have no survival-based responsibilities, and therefore apparently  have free choice within the belief that I have free time – when in fact this is the illusion of the system and survival and in reality time is always finite and within reality there is no such thing as ‘free time’ – there is only the recognition of reality and all that encompasses

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to fully realize the futility, uselessness and dissatisfaction I will experience from having only lived in a system just to survive and thus the futility of survival and ‘success’ within the system

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I will only begin to see the degree to which the illusion of the system/self-interest exist by actually stepping out of it and no longer allowing myself to be influenced/directed by it

Day 191: Insulating myself from my fears and my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to escape onto the ‘highroad’ of being one of the ‘successful’ people on earth wherein I am insulated from the fear of survival/threat of not surviving by having a stable/’normal’ home and job and that I have used these circumstances and things around me to get a sense/feeling/experience of comfort/safety/security, not realizing that this feeling/experience actually comes in contrast to the fear of surviving and that I can only have this feeling/experience and want/desire this feeling experience if I am still allowing the fear of survival within me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the comforts of having a privileged life and a comfortable experience to separate myself from the reality of the experience that many millions of people are having on earth; a miserable experience where life is a strife and all about survival, living in absolute fear and despair – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible to escape this reality through privilege, not realizing that the excitement of the experience I get from being privileged and is worthless and not real if it is only me experiencing it and not everyone

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to remain within a survival mindset wherein making a living and ‘how good of a living can I make for myself’ becomes the only thing that matters and the standard from which I base all of my decisions – not realizing that my survival and comfort is merely a means to an end and only one mouth fed out of many who are not fed – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be defined by my living conditions, standards and history of ‘how successful am I’ and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the same, constantly and consistently, not dependant on my conditions/terms of living in terms of what I have or do not have and what societal standard I am living within

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by my process and within the moment of being overwhelmed, finding ways to escape myself through doing the easy thing, which often tends to be entertaining or preoccupying myself with things that are not important

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in any given moment I have 2 choices – the first is to continue to do the easy thing which is to ignore what is here and preoccupy/distract myself with entertainment or physical pleasures/comforts, because by doing the easy thing nothing is changing, I am wasting my time, diminishing and squandering my opportunity live change in this world – the second choice is to challenge myself in every moment to do that which is necessary to be done as that which is pertinent here and if that point is not clear, then to stand here and breathe and have a look at myself/my world as what is here and from this, then see how I must move/place myself – and that this second choice is ‘the hard way’ because it is going to come with the challenge of the fear of loss, fearing losing a feeling or experience that I have grown addicted to and within this I must stand here as the breath – proving to myself that I am self sufficient and am all that is required to exist here and move myself – no longer allowing myself to be moved/controlled by feelings/emotions as energy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to go ‘above and beyond’ the call of duty and compensate for not doing what is necessary to do here and not giving attention to what is necessary to be done here as that which I must do/face in self honesty, through instead focusing my attention on other matters which seems noble and important and can be regarded as ‘good deeds’ according to our current accepted and allowed system morality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my personal success within the system to give myself and others the experience and impression that ‘everything is ok and fine’ when it in fact is not

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to use ‘free moments of time’ where there are no tasks to attend to, to educate myself and enjoy myself and exploring my world through education

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my decisions on personal fears that are based in circumstances of personal wealth in relation to survival, and use these fears to justify not living in a way that is best for all life, rather than making decisions based on that which would be best for all life equally, based on principles that is best for all, lived in integrity

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up the security blanket of feelings that I have isolated myself in from the world as a way of perceiving that I am escaping the reality of my situation and circumstances in the world – not realizing that it is does not make sense to fear giving up an illusion as giving up the illusion is my only opportunity to make my life and the life of others that which is best for myself and others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat doing that which must be done to support myself/life as some kind of chore/task, within the fear of giving up my security blanket of feelings/energy and within this, to make doing what is necessary to be done seem so difficult and un-enjoyable as if there were something better, and then to tend to want to rush/race through such tasks wanting to ‘get them done’ so that I can ‘get back to that which is apparently more enjoyable to do’ – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there is nothing ‘more’ enjoyable to live here as breath as that which I am

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that words are alive as the words that I am living as my programming as my thoughts/backchat

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to specify every action within my process to ensure that it is absolutely what is best in terms of working with what is here and relevant, rather than simply busying myself and giving myself the feeling that I am apparently doing something good

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be diligent and direct in applying myself within my process unless there is an absolutely valid reason in self honesty as to why I am not at the moment able to apply myself in my process – and thus within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat applying myself in process as only being defined by participating in certain tasks when in fact applying myself in process is an entire way of life wherein I decide in every moment to act on principles which are best for all life equally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to insulate myself from my fears through the experience/feeling/illusion of success and wealth

When and as I see myself in moments wherein I have 2 decisions to make and I am wanting/desiring/inclined to make the ‘easy’ decision of going into entertainment – I stop, I breathe, I embrace myself here within and as breath and embrace/accept the lack of feelings/energy that is not being fed and thus I accept myself here living as the physical, without dependency on energy to ‘feel like everything is ok’

When and as I see myself wanting to do good deeds – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this desire is a form of compensating for where I have not taken responsibility for myself – and I do not participate in this desire but rather look for how I can find and address that which I am not giving my full attention to where it is needed

Day 180: Alone – all one

There is no greater experience of aloneness than to have fully accepted that you need and require another outside of yourself in order to live and be happy.

I noticed an interesting thing today about the desire to be with others, which is based in the fear of being alone: that it is a very strange thing because whether we like it or not, being in the company of others is an unavoidable fact of life, and is the very way that our society functions which we depend on for survival. And perhaps some do not like this fact – there are people in this world who claim they don’t like being around others and prefer to be alone and I have been one of these people – however this negativity about people is in fact just the other side of the coin of the way in which we have created positive ideas (for ourselves) in the way that we have defined our relationships with other words. In other words, we often define our relationships to others in a way that primarily benefits us in some way or another. As this is obviously a destructive way of living as it is not based on what is best for all, it will tend to create conflict and all kinds of strife in one’s life. This behavior may continue and eventually one may become sick of it, yet we tend to do this without any real awareness of our starting point in our behavior/interaction with others, and so rather than find effective ways to change our starting point to one that is beneficial and constructive for both sides, one may simply begin to avoid people and prefer to be alone because this aloneness really represents a form of peace from the otherwise known way of interacting with and experiencing relationships with others.

But what one in this situation will notice as I have, is that the avoidance and preferring to be alone and experience these happy ‘alone moments’ is not a solution to the original problem, and so one will still have the desire to experience people, at least to some degree, for the same basic reasons/starting point. So what then happens is that one will begin moving back and forth between the polarities of wanting to be with others and not wanting to be others, in the exact same way that we begin defining some people as ones we like and as others we don’t like, simply based on our experiences with them, and based on our starting point of ‘does this person suits me/my needs or not’.

This might sound harsh to some, but my question is: if all life were equal (and it is, but we simply do not recognize it as such) then why would a person miss another person? If we lived in a world without friends and enemies, then would someone’s absence be perceived as a loss? If we did not have those ‘special people’ in our lives, would we miss anyone as we do now? If survival and making ourselves feel better about ourselves had not become a central part of human life, would we still desire to be with the people that contribute to our survival and make us feel better about ourselves? If you were equal to them, then in their absence, nothing would be lost, because you are their equal – because everyone is their equal. Even in the event of their death, the fact that they are continuing on through death into other life forms that are also valued as equal should be an acceptable fact without sadness, as simply another step in the journey if existence.

While this kind of understanding of life seems beyond me and I’m sure many others at this stage of our life and development (or lack thereof), it is impossible for me to ignore the common sense of these facts. I mean we are all life, how can we miss ourselves? How can we desire to be with ourselves if we are all around? How can we desire to be with ourselves if we are everything?

In the pursuit to satiate my loneliness and desire for another, I have found myself in a desolate wasteland where everything seems so hollow, like there is nothing, nothing but hope that is so fickle and so brittle. Like being haunted by ghosts of the past wherein I believed myself to be alone and separate, that I needed others to fulfill me because I had accepted myself as not enough. And yet when I exorcise these ghosts and live here – actually live and go about my day engaging in all the activities that life may entail – there is no greater living experience of fulfillment because I am simply living as who I am, and within this, recognizing myself here as life, not as an idea or a perception or a feeling, but as an actual living statement of ‘I am here’ – not ‘here with myself’ or ‘here with another’ – I am here as life, as I live.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to abandon myself in the hope/search for fulfillment and happiness in another to preoccupy me from myself, from ever recognizing myself and living myself fully as who I am, and that I have allowed myself to dishonor and abuse myself through abdicating the life that I have been given to live and exist as which is sacred.

I commit myself to live here in every moment as me through physical actions that are in fact me moving me here as the physical, as life, wherein I live in a way that benefits myself as life to grow and expand myself as I give myself the recognition of who I am by living to my full potential – when and as I see myself going into distractions of the mind that provide me with a feeling/experience of being fulfilled because I am being stimulated and thus being given then experience that there is ‘something more’/’something extra’ to satiate the fear of my inferiority that I am not good enough and cannot be left alone, which I had accepted from a young age – I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in these desires, as my thoughts/feelings/emotions as energy, to want to further continue participating in accepting and allowing this energy to consume me as how I live.

Day 134: I can’t do it on my own – part 3

When and as I see myself doubting myself and fearing that I will not be able to ‘make it/do it on my own’ by directing myself in self honest common sense in every moment and doing what is necessary to live a fulfilled life – I stop, I breathe, and I allow myself to direct myself through the doubt fear as self movement here, not allowing myself to participate in these thoughts, feelings and emotions

When an as I see myself wanting and desiring to start a relationship from the starting point of survival as a self belief/fear of lack, loss and inferiority, and thus require a relationship to be taken care of/looked after because I believe I can not do it on my own to direct myself effectively – I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in this desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself becoming frustrated with others because they are not fitting into the idea /definitions of what I want/desire them to be and what they should be to fit into my desire of what I want from others within the belief that I require/depend on others to survive because of a self belief of lack/inferiority and thus, that I cannot ‘make it on my own’ – I stop, breathe, and do not allow myself to participate in this anger as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to control my environment based on what I believe it should be/have defined that it should be, within an idea that I require it to be a certain way to serve me as I believe I depend on it to survive as I have accepted lack and loss as myself and thus believe that I cannot live and direct myself here in awareness, but rather require my environment to direct me – I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in these desires and projections of ideas as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself projecting my own self belief – that I am inferior and cannot do it on my own as directing myself effectively in awareness – onto others, as treating them as though they can not do this either and thus require ‘help’ or to be saved – I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in this projection as the belief that others cannot do it on their own

I commit myself to investigate all possible means of supporting myself or educating myself before looking to others for help

I commit myself to stop the tendency to be lazy within the realization that if I am lazy, I will never learn, expand myself and become better

I commit myself to realize through applying myself in the moments of being alone and directing myself in self honesty in these moments that the fear of being alone is only created through the lack of self support and self direction that I give to myself and thus I believe that I require/depend on others to support/direct me

I realize that the desire to fit in with others is based in survival as the belief that I can not direct myself as who I am and thus must be accepted by others so that they can help me to survive and direct me and support me in life – when and as I see myself wanting to fit into society based on particular definitions which I believe will have others like and accept and thus more inclined to do this – I stop, I breathe, and I do not allow myself to participate in these desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I realize that the desire to stimulate my personality is to further engrain it so that I may more effectively live it as I have come to believe then I will be then liked by others who will support and help me and direct me and show me how to live, within the self belief that I am inferior and cannot do it on my own to direct myself here in self honesty – when and as I see myself wanting/desiring to participate in this stimulation of my personality through that which my personality relates to/is associated with as the things I apparently ‘like’ and ‘enjoy’ – I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to participate in these desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself going into the self belief that I require to ‘feel good’ as an energetic feeling in order to survive and direct myself – I stop, I breathe, I do not participate in this belief as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, and I direct myself here in self honest common sense, self reflectively within the context of what is best for self as life/best for all life