Tag Archives: escape

Day 314: Correcting addiction, desire and dependency within relationships

 

There are two points that I highlighted in my life as points to write about, that appear to be very much connected. One is my reaction to my girlfriend joking about breaking up with me, and the second is the fact that I reacted (within myself, not so overtly) to a relative talking about Thai-westerner relationships being based in money, being scandalous – the whole point of people using each other.

 

I can’t deny that desires exist within me that play out in my relationships, especially my relationship with my partner, the sexual and close-bond relationship. I can see how we as human beings use the closeness of relationships – being preoccupied with each other, focusing our attention on each other constantly – and love, as a way of not having to face ourselves, to not actually grow within relationships but rather stagnate and diminish. Fascinating that stagnation is actually diminishment.

 

I can’t deny that I don’t do this, because I am very attracted to my partner in many ways. It is as though through separating myself from myself, by not wanting to face myself and what I have become, I look for that closeness in others, I focus on the likeable and positive qualities of another to get this experience of satisfaction when I know everything is not ok, both within myself and within this world. Here I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but simply refer to the fact that we as human beings live in constant fear and that’s what our thoughts, feelings and emotions are all about – this constant state of fear and desire (fear always breeds desire) that we live in.

 

In fact I am really attracted to my partner, to the point where it is noticeably difficult to focus on what is important in life. Not in ‘my life’ – in life.

 

So the other point of reacting to a joke of losing her is just an outflow of this point – not wanting to lose my distraction, my escape, my drug that keeps me blind from reality. This is not to say that it is wrong to be with her in some way – actually, it is quite cool and opportunistic to be able to face myself in a relationship – it is that the whole notion of ‘losing her’ is not real because I don’t ‘have her’ in the first place – that is projection of the illusion I am living in where in fact, the ‘idea of a relationship’ has me. The entire experience of escaping reality through positive feelings (or sometimes negative, you can’t have the first without the second) is the ‘relationship’ that has got control over me, the idea/experience that has got control over me – an idea, a figment of the imagination that is not even real, is controlling my entire perception and way that I live! I have written on this point recently about how relationships in themselves are actually just a belief system, a religion – they’re not even real but just a figment of the imagination. We are always alone with ourselves in fact – yet we are all one, here together in our aloneness.

 

And it is this reality that I would like to start living in, the only reality that there is – the physical reality where we are simply here together. The problem is that, as my second reaction showed, I fear giving up the illusion, simply saying ‘no’ to the temptation to focus on another and get distracted and moving on to the next point that requires my attention in actual fact. It sometimes seems so difficult to break away from this habit because I tell myself that my girlfriend is so attractive and that there are so many nice things about her, but I know that within this positively charged viewpoint, I am only seeing what I want to see and not seeing her/life for what it really is in its entirety. Sometimes when a habit is so engrained, it seems impossible to go about life another way. But I have already proven to myself that it is possible. Quitting ‘cold turkey’ is challenging because this tendency/habit/pattern of focusing on my partner is really engrained t the point of being automated. It will be important to be strict and yet patient with myself.

 

I forgive myself tat I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my relationships as a way of escaping my reality and truth of myself, and not having to actually face myself and take self responsibility, through focusing on both the positives or negatives of another person that I’ve actually convinced myself are real, and used their behavior as evidence of this, when in fact what all humans including myself are currently living is not real, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my dual nature of the mind as characters of good and evil onto other people and not having to then face myself and correct my own inner demons that present themselves as characters of good and evil, by judging the same points in other people, playing deceptive games with myself where I am constantly judging and essentially saying ‘look at that person, they are so good!’ or ‘look at that person, they are so bad!’ which is essentially just the same bullshit game – fearing that which I am and diverting myself from the truth of me by focusing on the apparent good and bad of others

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define good and bad as pictures and associate these pictures with the ones I like/agree with/am similar to as the good, and the ones I don’t like/agree with/am not similar too as the bad, within this not realizing that these are just characters projections that I have created through association/belief while in fact, all are equal as life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define/judge my girlfriend as both good and bad characters, and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to thus be attracted to the good characters and repelled by the bad characters, not seeing and realizing that I am playing games with myself that limit me from ever seeing life direct, as equal and one, by not stopping these projections and rather recognize life firstly within myself and thus in others as well

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of this energetic relationship I have towards others and my partner, and thus to fear ‘losing the relationship’ or to desire to be ‘more close within the relationship’ for that matter, not realizing that there I am trying to experience myself within these projections of good and bad characters, when the only real interaction and communication that can exist would be through standing here unconditionally as equals and not accepting anything else as mental projections of each other that we only see in our minds perception of the physical

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to touch and have physical sensation/experience of the good character that I have defined my partner/others as, while I have wanted to avoid and escape the bad characters that I have defined or may define others – including my partner – as

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my partner as beautiful and special and treat her as such, as something desire to be experienced and close to, not realizing that this definition is only created within the context of wanting to escape reality/the truth of myself and not actually see life/myself for what it really is and that real closeness/experience of another can only exist when you see another for real/as yourself and without illusions of perception

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the pattern of being distracted/preoccupied by my partner as if I will ‘miss out on something’ and constantly wanting to experience her in some positive way and be distracted by such experiences – and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it will be impossible or difficult to break this habit as I have been doing it for so long

 

When and as I see myself playing games with myself where I am judging others/my partner as good or bad – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that I am playing games with myself and fucking with myself by projecting my inner self onto others and through this, creating beliefs about others that are not in fact true, so that I can be deluded and not have to face myself, as the mind is tricky in this way and will use ‘evidence’ that I see in others, which is in fact my own projections of myself, to fool me into believing that what I see and believe and experience on a mental level is real – thus I do not participate in such thoughts/judgments about others as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to identify the moments in which I judge another/react to how I have already defined another as either good or bad, or in the case of a partner in a relationship, as attractive/desirable or undesirable, and to not act on such desires, but rather stop and breathe when I see myself possessed by sch desires in the moment, to remain here as breath as I see, realize and understand that such actions only further engrain these beliefs/projections/desires and thus I will be strict in not participating in these desires as energy, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, within this, prove to myself that I can in fact live real love through standing as equal and one myself and others

 

I commit myself to stop justifying my addictions to my partner of focusing on my partner and looking for positive energetic experiences with my partner with the idea that ‘it is ok because we are in a relationship’ as I see, realize and understand that I am justifying and normalizing addictive behavior that in fact destroys relationships as it drives me to lose control by placing my addiction for positive energy experiences above all life

 

When and as I see myself judging my partner as beautiful and desirable or undesirable/someone I must avoid – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that the judgments of beautiful and desirable are based on programming/past memories of what I believe will apparently satisfy me and make me happy and bring me a positive energy experience with which I can escape myself/not face myself, and that the judgments of undesirable/to be avoided are based on observing behaviors which I only fear because they reflect to me the nature of me, or additionally the fear that I cannot change/direct such a nature within me and thus cannot direct it in another, and thus this too is another way of not having to face myself and stand unconditionally in support of myself and others/my partner as life – thus I do not participate in either of these judgments nor do I act on them, when I see them arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

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Day 301: Relationships as God, Religion and Savior

 

In my dream last night, I was with another, I’m pretty sure it was a woman in a car, although my recollection of that is vague, and basically I was getting pissed off because I was looking for water and I just didn’t have time/patience for BS, for asking questions or whatever it was that just didn’t seem so important cause it felt like I was dying of thirst. In reality my body was actually very dehydrated and I ended up drinking a bunch of water as soon as I woke up. This whole experience is fascinatingly symbolic. Is the vehicle my relationship? Am I in it with my girlfriend who is the woman? Is my not having patience tolerance indicative of my disinterest in her ideology? Is the thirst for water my thirst for life and the dire situation life is in, in need of attention and support? Is my waking up and finally drinking water in physical reality indicative of the necessity to wake up from/break out of illusions of the mind so that I can realize/actualize my understanding, priorities and ambitions?

 

With a little more insight into this dream – I keep interpreting that which I am coming to understand as ‘fight or flight’ – like I have to make a major decision that ‘we cannot be together’ but that is silly – I’m apprehensive to say this because it is like I fear that I am just convincing myself of that because I want to hold onto the relationship, I want to stay in hope – that could be so – but what about changing myself within it? This is the key and I am aware that my tendency to want to part with others has limited me from being able to work with others and within this, work on myself and learn. I keep wanting to make rash decisions, and yet I fear that what I am living now is a rash decision, as the intense desire to want to make things good, to make things ‘work out’. The mind is always taking me from one polarity to the other and the fact is that the truth is in the middle – we are both just beings, just here on earth, stuck in our own shit. The challenge is to be of support even when I am not getting what I want, when I am not being positively stimulated, and to also not go looking for it. The challenge is to support only where possible and step back otherwise – the challenge is to not try and help just because I want some kind of specific outcome for myself because I fear loss/some negative experience. This is the case with any human being and is a learning curve I really have to go through – live and let live – let them be – do my work and step back – without fear of loss. This dream does not necessarily symbolize my relationship with my partner – the same essential points can be seen in all relationships. This is where I see the value in walking with another.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire and attempt to try and control my relationship/partner – which includes that which I see as ‘positive’ attempts to make the relationship better/alive/strong through stimulating myself and my partner positively within the context of trying to have a successful relationship – and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ‘live and let live’, and keep interaction practical, here, in the moment and without fear of loss as my starting point – I commit myself to ‘live an let live’, meaning that I commit myself to stop trying to stimulate the relationship positively and move the relationship within positivity as I see that this is based in fear of loss and not practical, but rather just based on the idea of love which is only a belief created and utilized within the fear of loss

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the desire/tendency to want to make a rash decision that ‘we can’t be together’ or ‘it won’t work’ is actually based on an experience of disappointment and disillusionment where I am brought back to reality through traumatic events which contrast the desire and hope I have created within making ‘big plans’ and creating ‘big ideas’ about me and my partner and our future – thus I commit myself to stop the tendency to ‘get ahead of myself’ and try to create and design an ‘ideal future’ for me and my partner as I see, realize and understand that this is done in fear of loss and not practical, and instead I commit myself to walk a physical process of establishing self trust and trust with another where I no longer allow fear/reactions to direct me/my relationship but rather work in self honesty and understanding, here as breath

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to even believe in relationships – to believe that they exist, that they are real, as I was conditioned to believe in the idea/ideal of a relationship as the love/romantic relationship with a ‘special someone’ – and to within this, play games within myself where I judge myself/my partner within this paradigm/belief of a relationship, where, if it fits the image/belief/ideal, I get a positive feeling/thoughts/outlook which is just a positive energetic experience, and if it is not fitting the image/belief/ideal, I get a negative feeling/thoughts/outlook which is just a negative energetic experience – not realizing that none of this is real, it is just based on the belief/ideal of a relationship that was designed in fear of loss during a time in my life where I felt I could never trust human beings and that if I did not find some kind of form of security, I would lose/die/have a negative experience – thus I commit myself to see, realize and understand that a relationship is just a belief, an energetic body/entity that is created within the fear of loss/fear of others, and I commit myself to see, realize and understand that in reality, we are just two beings, two earthlings who are here, finding ourselves in the mess we have put ourselves in where we are our own worst enemies and thus do not require saviors, such as in the form of a relationship/partner/positive energetic experience of another, but instead require real practical support and solutions here as equals so that we may assist and support each other for real, establishing self honesty and self trust and thus honest and trust within our interaction, as I see, realize and understand that this goes far beyond what the illusion/fantasy of a relationship could ever be

 

It is fascinating how relationships function just like a religion, a god, a savior – as they depend on our belief and subscription/participation in order to exist.

Day 293: Letting go of past vices and the tools for a new life

 

One thing that I am well aware of which makes writing more difficult, is the things I do to escape reality – the habits and patterns I have developed which give me the experience of ‘taking a break’ from the difficulties I experience in life. The more I give into these vices, the more my resistance to writing – a real solution – grows. This is the essential problem that we as a species are facing: we are so addicted to our vices and the things we use to cope with our mistakes and deficiencies that we will not even consider a real solution.

 

What is different in my case is that I have been given tools to find my way out of the mess that I got myself in, also known as my mind, as the accumulation of memories/experiences I’ve had and how they define me. What I see when I look back is that I developed all these coping mechanisms during a time in my life where I had no other answers, no other tools, and no sign of help or assistance ever coming. From this a kind of experience of hopelessness emerged, and this is where I sort of said “fuck this, I’m going to just do my own thing that pleases me”, and so the vice was born, the escape artist was born. The more that I (we) move down this path of escapism as the solution, the more trapped we become in it, and it is really no way to live, it is self perpetuating weakness, it is a life of fear, anxiety and lack of self trust because we are deeply aware of what we are doing, that we have forgotten from where we came and ignore the path that we are headed towards. Who wants to live that kind of life?

 

And yet I see how I have come to believe that living this way is the only way. It is difficult to even fathom a life without my vices, like wow, it seems like it is beyond comprehension. I mean, talk about brainwashed, talk about controlled, talk about enslaved. But what I had forgotten is that this view stems from this overall mentality of escapism as the solution, and that this was formed during the period in my life when I had no solutions. Now the escapism doesn’t work anymore (or I’ve just realized it), but it is different this time: I have the tools. I have the answers, because I created the problem. I am the problem, because it is me who accepted the belief of what I apparently want as vices that I use to escape. I do not need to fear anymore to disengage from these escapes, because I have the tool – it is time to persist in giving myself the self support that I require, that I always wished for but never got because I never before realized that I am my own creator.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the act of giving up and all of the vices that I use to escape reality were formed at a time when I felt I had no other solutions/alternatives, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I no longer require to put my faith and trust in these vices, I no longer have to put faith in them as I have the solution here as me as self honesty and self forgiveness and thus it is only a matter of remaining here as breath and not giving into the desires of the mind to escape, so that I may give myself the breathing room to walk a new path of living and self discovery wherein I am the directive principle

 

I commit myself to embrace the tools I have been given as gifts with which to set myself free from the limitations of the mind and to commit myself to use these tools on a daily basis so that I may stop escaping my reality within the belief that life is my enemy, and I may embrace all that I encounter in my journey as I have the tools to live and express myself as one and equal in all that I may encounter and experience

Day 221: Living in Survival mode part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the world for my life experiences and feeling as though no one cared for me and like I had no opportunity in this world – when in fact I am equally responsible as I copied this behavior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents, family members, friends, and relationship partners for how I experienced myself with them in the past – not seeing and realizing who I was in the past equally responsible as equal contributor to the negative experiences I had

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to blame as a form of escapism, running from the truth of what I have accepted and allowed in my life and the harm I have caused myself and others, and within this, want and desire to run away from my reality as my past memories which I still carry with me, attempting to run away from myself as my past which I have not yet faced – not realizing that the desire to escape is in fact a form of blame and ignorance of what I have accepted and allowed in my time on earth thus far

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I have no value, no opportunity, am not good enough, will never have a good life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is always going to be a struggle because this is how I experienced it/believed it to be in the past

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to give up on myself and escape reality, not realizing that this is based on a past belief where I accepted that life must always be a difficult struggle

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry at others in my world because of the disillusionment of expecting that others will help me or support me or save me – not realizing that this was based on a belief that this was the way things worked, that I must be helped and saved, within the misunderstanding of how myself and who I was and who I had accepted and allowed myself to be

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that much of my anger towards others is due to my own failings and self dishonesties in life and within that which I have accepted and allowed myself to become, want and desire others to conform to it and serve/abide by/conform to/recognize/validate/give power to who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as that which I believe I am and believe I desire and must be

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire for the world to take responsibility for who I am and take care of me/serve me, not realizing that I can only stand for me as me and that this desire may likely have been birthed through the anger of feelings though I did not get the support from others I required at the times I needed it most/or even believed that I required/needed support from others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be defined by my environment in terms of conditions such as the things around me, how much I have access too, and how many opportunities I am given in the system – not realizing that I am not required to limit who I am based on my immediate surroundings and my particular situation/allocation/circumstances in this world

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to live the full consideration of the fact that I still carry many memories within me from past experiences and the extent to which such experiences as memories as able to influence me as my thoughts, feelings and emotions and thus it is unacceptable to trust the mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions because it is the influence that my past as memories is having on me today

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept it as normal that eventually, everything is going to ‘take a turn for the worse’ and become terrible in my life, expecting that everything will fail such as my relationships or finances or jobs – not realizing that this expectation is based on how I had defined life through my past experiences and the massive influence these memories have on me as this expectation – within this expectation, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become pre-emptive and ‘jump the gun’ by ending things/making things go bad/giving up on things/not sticking with things, because I expect it will not last/all go bad anyways, not realizing that such actions are a statement of self sabotage and giving up on myself rather than remaining here, sticking to principles and practical corrective application to direct myself and my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to isolate myself/escape/run away/create my own paradise/secret paradise, not realizing/taking into full consideration how tough experiences in the past and who I was within such experiences are what influence me to have this desire, through a belief that the world is bad and no good is ever possible

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear other and believe that everyone/the world is my enemy and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must control, dominate and be spiteful towards others in order to survive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one will ever understand/honor life, based on how I have defined humans in the past and how humans currently exist – not realizing that this fear is based on the acceptance that who we are currently is real, and not as a result of a whole life story of experience and accumulated memories

I commit myself to give up my bias towards others

I commit myself to not rush or give up on this process of self correction and sorting out this reality

I commit myself to work with others as much as possible and to not push others who are not ready out of my own fear that we will never make it, based on the belief that we are eternally fucked

I commit myself to work with myself and others with patience and understanding within the consideration and remembrance that this is a process and that I am not always going to know what to do

I commit myself to stop the tendency to always act and push to get things done immediately, not realizing that this is out of the fear that nothing will ever change, based on how I have defined reality in my own mind based on past experiences

I commit myself to never again run away from my reality out of spite and blame and rather remain here and work with what is here, as equal and one and without fear

I commit myself to move myself and be proactive in taking responsibility for myself and my reality by never again believing/expecting/wanting that others will do it for me

I commit myself to no longer be defined by those who are in my environment and my environment itself through working towards the understanding that all life is me as me as one and equal, and specifically to no longer base who I am and who I will be on factors that apparently indicate what my chances of survival are, apparently

I commit myself to stop the belief/expectation that inevitably, eventually things will always take a turn for the worse because of how I have judged my world/fellow human beings – not realizing that I am able to remain here and trust myself within my reality, no matter where I am situated – within this I commit myself to stop the tendency to want to escape my reality and the tendency to preemptively end relationships or give up on things

I commit myself to stick with things as long as I am able to/as long as it is effective

I commit myself to stop resisting others/my reality and remain here in my reality, interactive with others and to remain as who I am within all situations so that I may be of support/do what is best for all life

When and as I see myself defining my reality as ‘designed to fail’ and expecting it to fail and wanting to ‘fuck it’ or ‘give up on it’ or ‘end things preemptively’ or ‘force it to change instantly’ – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this tendency is based on many past experiences where I saw life as fucked and hopeless and constant fight for survival and within this, believed that I must strike first and fuck things up first before anyone else can so that I can be the dominant one/controller apparently – and I do not participate in this pattern of wanting to repeat old behavior of isolating myself, giving up, and resisting the world/reality/applying myself/taking self responsibility

Day 191: Insulating myself from my fears and my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to escape onto the ‘highroad’ of being one of the ‘successful’ people on earth wherein I am insulated from the fear of survival/threat of not surviving by having a stable/’normal’ home and job and that I have used these circumstances and things around me to get a sense/feeling/experience of comfort/safety/security, not realizing that this feeling/experience actually comes in contrast to the fear of surviving and that I can only have this feeling/experience and want/desire this feeling experience if I am still allowing the fear of survival within me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the comforts of having a privileged life and a comfortable experience to separate myself from the reality of the experience that many millions of people are having on earth; a miserable experience where life is a strife and all about survival, living in absolute fear and despair – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible to escape this reality through privilege, not realizing that the excitement of the experience I get from being privileged and is worthless and not real if it is only me experiencing it and not everyone

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to remain within a survival mindset wherein making a living and ‘how good of a living can I make for myself’ becomes the only thing that matters and the standard from which I base all of my decisions – not realizing that my survival and comfort is merely a means to an end and only one mouth fed out of many who are not fed – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be defined by my living conditions, standards and history of ‘how successful am I’ and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the same, constantly and consistently, not dependant on my conditions/terms of living in terms of what I have or do not have and what societal standard I am living within

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by my process and within the moment of being overwhelmed, finding ways to escape myself through doing the easy thing, which often tends to be entertaining or preoccupying myself with things that are not important

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in any given moment I have 2 choices – the first is to continue to do the easy thing which is to ignore what is here and preoccupy/distract myself with entertainment or physical pleasures/comforts, because by doing the easy thing nothing is changing, I am wasting my time, diminishing and squandering my opportunity live change in this world – the second choice is to challenge myself in every moment to do that which is necessary to be done as that which is pertinent here and if that point is not clear, then to stand here and breathe and have a look at myself/my world as what is here and from this, then see how I must move/place myself – and that this second choice is ‘the hard way’ because it is going to come with the challenge of the fear of loss, fearing losing a feeling or experience that I have grown addicted to and within this I must stand here as the breath – proving to myself that I am self sufficient and am all that is required to exist here and move myself – no longer allowing myself to be moved/controlled by feelings/emotions as energy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to go ‘above and beyond’ the call of duty and compensate for not doing what is necessary to do here and not giving attention to what is necessary to be done here as that which I must do/face in self honesty, through instead focusing my attention on other matters which seems noble and important and can be regarded as ‘good deeds’ according to our current accepted and allowed system morality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my personal success within the system to give myself and others the experience and impression that ‘everything is ok and fine’ when it in fact is not

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to use ‘free moments of time’ where there are no tasks to attend to, to educate myself and enjoy myself and exploring my world through education

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my decisions on personal fears that are based in circumstances of personal wealth in relation to survival, and use these fears to justify not living in a way that is best for all life, rather than making decisions based on that which would be best for all life equally, based on principles that is best for all, lived in integrity

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up the security blanket of feelings that I have isolated myself in from the world as a way of perceiving that I am escaping the reality of my situation and circumstances in the world – not realizing that it is does not make sense to fear giving up an illusion as giving up the illusion is my only opportunity to make my life and the life of others that which is best for myself and others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat doing that which must be done to support myself/life as some kind of chore/task, within the fear of giving up my security blanket of feelings/energy and within this, to make doing what is necessary to be done seem so difficult and un-enjoyable as if there were something better, and then to tend to want to rush/race through such tasks wanting to ‘get them done’ so that I can ‘get back to that which is apparently more enjoyable to do’ – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there is nothing ‘more’ enjoyable to live here as breath as that which I am

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that words are alive as the words that I am living as my programming as my thoughts/backchat

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to specify every action within my process to ensure that it is absolutely what is best in terms of working with what is here and relevant, rather than simply busying myself and giving myself the feeling that I am apparently doing something good

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be diligent and direct in applying myself within my process unless there is an absolutely valid reason in self honesty as to why I am not at the moment able to apply myself in my process – and thus within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat applying myself in process as only being defined by participating in certain tasks when in fact applying myself in process is an entire way of life wherein I decide in every moment to act on principles which are best for all life equally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to insulate myself from my fears through the experience/feeling/illusion of success and wealth

When and as I see myself in moments wherein I have 2 decisions to make and I am wanting/desiring/inclined to make the ‘easy’ decision of going into entertainment – I stop, I breathe, I embrace myself here within and as breath and embrace/accept the lack of feelings/energy that is not being fed and thus I accept myself here living as the physical, without dependency on energy to ‘feel like everything is ok’

When and as I see myself wanting to do good deeds – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this desire is a form of compensating for where I have not taken responsibility for myself – and I do not participate in this desire but rather look for how I can find and address that which I am not giving my full attention to where it is needed

Day 110: Fuck it. Fuck everything. (part 2)

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Here I am writing self forgiveness statements in regard to my previous writing on the point of giving up in the way that I have created it as an experience of saying ‘fuck everything’ and indulging in my own self interest from a starting point of wanting to escape and spitefulness towards others/my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel discouraged/like it is impossible to learn/expand myself/do what is necessary to be done in education/school work  because I am not understanding something and feeling overwhelmed by the pressure of having to understand/perform and comparing myself to others progress and feeling/believing there is no support/will be no support, and from this created the tendency to despair and give up on myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the experience of having decisions made that were out of my control from ‘higher powers’ which I did not understand influence my outlook on life and play a contributing role in the tendency to give up on myself through feeling like things were completely out of my control simply because I did not understand how the world worked and accepted this as ‘the way life is’- the same way that we have accepted God as some kind of higher power that does not allow us to fully live because we feel we are not in control/don’t understand

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to determine my confidence and self image based on the opinions others have of me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and define those around me who are able to fit in with the systems which they are apart of as ‘nerds’ as a way of making them inferior and myself superior in my eyes

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take personally the opinions/judgments others have formed about me within an idea that they are against me or trying to hold me back – not realizing that it is purely about them as everyone is stuck in their own personal world of ‘offense/defense’ of judgment/comparison of themselves to others as competition as we have all been brought up in a competition environment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to – within the context of basing my self worth on how others see/value me – feel like ‘no one cares/is interested’ and use this as another way/excuse to give up on myself when in fact this feeling is an experience of me towards me as me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to preoccupy myself and entertain myself and satisfy my desires simply due to a resonant feeling built over time from layered experiences of feeling like success and living a healthy, fulfilled life of learning and expressing myself – is impossible

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to spite everyone and everything within the pursuit of my self interest as the desire to escape and fulfill desires to stimulate myself to give myself the experience of escaping – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that fulfilling personal desires to stimulate myself and feel happy is going to satisfy the longing I have created for others to support me/care for me/recognize me – when in fact I am only able to do this for myself by standing up from the dependency of desires as self pity

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to relate to messages/symbols of spitefulness as if it were me/who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to prove to myself and others that I am/can be nasty as a way of trying to ‘win respect’ through playing the competition game where I noticed that only the nasty and spiteful and those who seem to strike the most fear in others seem to dominate the most

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become competitive and spiteful

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take working and learning for granted – when this is what truly supported me in the beginning that I felt I ‘lost’ as I grew up

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/feel/believe I am superior because I can do things that others can not as learned abilities

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the desire to give up is based on past experiences wherein I was not supported to live as who I am to develop and express myself in my world which I took personally as if no one cared for me and copied this behavior towards and as myself by creating the desire to escape/experience happiness – which is what I was also taught as the substitute for self support – and, from the feeling of the outlook being ‘bleak’ that no one would ever support me or cared for me which I took personally, wanted and desired to continue escaping into my own world of self interest which was available to be at the time as a condition of living at home in a privileged family in Canada, wherein the fulfillment of self interest went hand in hand with the spitefulness I felt towards others/my world, not realizing that this spitefulness was an expression of who I was as spiting myself through never actually getting to know myself/my world and support myself, but instead chasing the pipe dream of being able to escape through the feelings I get by stimulating myself with things that I believe will make me happy which, ironically, are things that require me to fit into/conform to the world system that I was so angry at and spiteful towards in the first place as blaming it for my experience of myself, not realizing that this anger was about me, as me towards me for becoming a clone of the system made in the image and likeness of the system, believing that if I became this, and fulfilled all my self interest as desires and fitting in/becoming like the systems, that life would be better and I would be satisfied, when all that is ever required is for me to face myself and realize who I really am as life

In part 3 of this blog I will begin writing self commitment statements on the point of giving up on myself.

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