Tag Archives: death

Day 334: The trap of comfort and what it means to live life in the moment


A couple days ago I wanted to watch a music DVD that I hadn’t seen in a few years. I remember enjoying this dvd, band and their music a lot at that time, and so when I wanted to watch it, I wanted to share it with my girlfriend as something ‘good/cool’. What I tend to forget about points such as this with regards to music is that, despite having some education as to the technical workings/aspects of music, much of what I consider ‘good’ and worth sharing is just out of personal opinion, based on personal preference. There is absolutely no objective facts that somehow state that my music is better than others, or special in any way for that matter.


Within this there is also an underlying point which is the desire to ‘connect’ with another person through sharing such personal interests as personal preferences/opinions of things I enjoy. But it is impossible to truly connect with someone on something that is based only in opinion and personal preference.


What I also notice is that because I have defined some music as ‘more valuable than other music’ and ‘special’ than others, there is almost a sense of urgency that I must share it, as if I am waging some kind of propaganda war, some kind of opinion war where I must show and give as much exposure as possible to my propaganda, to my opinions, to my preferences, and if I do not, it is as if something will be lost.


I have already been shown through many experiences that this simply does not work – to attempt to control moments within the idea of trying to ‘make something special happen’, to create some kind of special experience with special things, with special elixirs – I mean it sounds like a form of magic where I am trying to create a certain energetic experience through ‘connecting with another’ on a point of opinion – a mental connection, and thus a metaphysical connection.


This is not life, this is not something that is constant, stable, consistent – it is rather based on the characters that we believe ourselves to be, which have been programmed since birth through societal and media experiences/conditioning, which are the character/personality types that determine what are our preferences and opinions.


Life, I have found, is something that is emergent, something not necessarily predicted so specifically – though it can be predicted based on essential principles, it is not something that must take on a certain form or character. It is not something that must be so controlled and prescribed. Life is here in every moment of every experience, and every moment/experience is in fact equal – but it is our personal preferences/opinions that limit us from embracing this fully and unconditionally.


Real sharing can only come in sharing the reality of life, of being here in every moment equally in the physical reality that we all share in fact, devoid of personalized opinions and beliefs, where all moments are actually lived fully – there is not a single moment in our lives that is not a moment of value – but by looking for/trying to create moments of value/moments that are special, we miss what is already here, that life already in itself is special. I have had some fascinating experiences of understanding, interaction and personal growth when I have least expected it – and again it is not as though these moments were anything special, they were just surprisingly unseen, as the real life experience that can be had when we let go our our preprogrammed, predetermined and prescribed ideas/beliefs/opinions/notions of what life should be, of what is apparently valuable or special or meaningful.


We fear to give up that which we have preprogrammed and prescribed in our life as being special, the prescribed drugs of comfort as that which is familiar to us which keeps us drugged in a state of feeling as if ‘everything is ok’ because we feel safe and secure only experiencing and accepting and participating in what we know. But what if the only real security in life is to let go of all attempts to stick to what we have defined as secure and comfortable, to abandon all that we have grown accustomed to and comfortable with, and embrace life itself fully and completely? This is the real key to learning, to living a life where the education of life never ends and we give ourselves true purpose by living a life where we can constantly grow and become better. I mean, there is so much in this world to learn and do, it is virtually endless.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined certain things in my reality as the things that I like, based on the fact that they are familiar, known, and thus I identify with them as a way of establishing my own identity and thus establishing myself in this world within the starting point of survival as fear of loss – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made opinions about certain things in my life as being special/better than/more important than others, whether those things be music, TV shows, movies, people, places, things, animals, activities, sports, foods, – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define and limit myself according to the things, environments, people and activities that I am familiar with and accustomed to, not realizing that such points I have become attached to within the fear of surviving/losing myself, as if I am clinging onto them for dear life, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of such things, to stop defining myself by them and participating in them, and moving onto new points, embracing the unknown within the self directive principle of life and living within self honesty and self trust


Thus, when and as I see myself defining/believing certain things, people, experiences, places, environments, foods, cultures, activities, sports, animals as being more special/having more value than others, and thus wanting to stick to only participating in such points and promote such points as something special/’more than’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand the self limitation I am imposing on myself as self definition, ego and pride, and how I am limiting myself from actually embracing and living life – and thus I do not participate in such beliefs that what I identify with are special and the desire to participate in and promote them, as such desires arise in my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I commit myself to set myself free from the fear of loss/fear of losing myself that I have created as self definition, and live here as breath, embracing every new moment unconditionally within principles that are best for all life, as self trust and self honesty in embracing who I really am by letting go of self definition


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize the implications of an underlying fear of loss/fear of death/fear of losing myself, that such fears create a tendency within me to always try to find a point of habit as experiences, which I then associate with my environment and surrounding things/people, which I find comfortable because it appeases these fears by creating an experience of comfort/stability/that I am surviving well, and that I will then always try to situate myself within/define myself by such habitual living patterns and will begin to trust them because they suit my desire to survive and be comfortable, and thus no matter where I am or what I am doing, I will always try to find this point of normality/regularity/stability through habit – not seeing and realizing the point that living life is fluid and dynamic and cannot be entrapped within a point of habits/patterns which I then define myself by/associate with, and thus that the only real stability that I am able to experience is a stability that is lived as self where, no matter where I am or what I am doing or who I am with, I am stable within/as myself within the self trust of remaining here as breath and not going into the mind to create certain habits/identities within the fear of survival, and thus by remaining here as breath in self honesty, I trust myself to direct myself in a way that is best for all life, and thus myself because I am life


I commit myself to stop the tendency to associate myself with/define myself by/limit myself to being a ‘creature of habit’, wherein I look for living patterns/habits that I am comfortable with which I can then automate myself into, not realizing that this is an abdication of self, of who I am, as the breath of life that I have been given as the opportunity to realize what life is and live life here as myself in every moment, as the opportunity to create a life/self/world that is best for all, that is quite cool because it is made in the image and likeness of myself of that which I would like to give to myself/create for myself, enjoy and experience

Day 277: Who we are as individuals – can we be saved?



Interaction, cooperation and interconnectivity is intrinsic to human expression – without each other assisting and supporting each other as we direct ourselves in our world, we are much more limited than we would be when drawing on each others input. It is who we are. We cannot escape it, for as much as we would like to find reasons to deny each other and separate ourselves from life through a variety of self definitions as so-called ‘personalities’, we are nothing without each other.

And yet who is each one but an equal to another? Who is not an individual that consists of the whole? Each one of us has this point of individuality as our access point to our participation in the whole as the group of humanity and that group within the eco system and the rest of the universe – life. Each one stands within this point alone and cannot escape this one point but through death – to only then return as some other point! Whether in the form of human, animal, plant, dirt – whatever it is I’m not even sure is that important in the bigger picture because essentially one point just moves/transforms to another. This movement is also constant and an intrinsic, inescapable part of who we are as life. But what is the movement? Where do we go when we die? Do we determine that? In a way yes we do because we determine what the state of the earth and how beings on it may experience themselves will be in the future times to come. So our movement in this current life that we are living-out here in this moment is the movement that will determine the future movement of humanity as a whole.

If our movement is not effective, we will obviously bring onto ourselves a more difficult experience of ourselves in the times to come. What we seemed to have to done trap ourselves from actually moving froward as individuals and a species is to systematize the movement into a closed system called humanity or civiLIEzation that is a small minority closed group that dominates the earth without understanding and is thus a danger to the life that exist. We give these systems names according to their roles such as for instance ‘political system’ or ‘economic system’. We don’t exist within that system at all. Nope, because as mentioned, the systems are powered by us as individuals and thus if we as a species are trapped within our systems we have created to direct us it implies that we ourselves are driven by systems at an individual level – we internalize (internal lies, eternal lies) the system and live as the systems as we exist as them as our beliefs, thoughts, fears, emotions, opinions, feelings etc. Our experience of ourselves both within and without has become as just systems, that were not designed to be conducive to the forward development of ourselves as individuals and as a group, to develop any kind of real equality or change, to bring about any kind of real actualization of who we really are as beings on this earth as our intrinsic design implies.

Who is the doctor without the plumber? Who is the child without the parent? Who is the parent without the child? Who is the man without the woman? We define each other to the extent and that we define ourselves and our experience of ourselves and each other will reflect that. So what will the starting point of that self definition be?

We have unfortunately through illusions like ‘free choice’, money and the experience/perception of having power over others convinced ourselves that this reality is escapable, that we can deny who we are – but sooner or later, reality sets in. We cannot escape this aspect of our design and our self responsibility for self movement that is conducive to the living of the group as a whole, we cannot escape it anymore than our need to eat and sleep.

There is no escaping this reality and certainly there are no saviors. It is we at an individual level that will determine our fate and the outcome of humanity’s journey here on earth. It does not matter how success we may have within the current system and how well it bodes on us in our life, in terms of making money and friendships/bonds. It doesn’t matter if we have all the money in the world or people to take care of us. What matters is who we are and how we experience ourselves – and how others experiences themselves and this is again a reality that will set in because as we are beginning to see the consequences of just living lives of self interest where we are only concerned with our own well being and not our responsibility to ourselves as life as the individuals that contribute to the group as a whole. So while some of us may currently have a fair amount of control over their lives sufficient to make sure that they have a nice experience of themselves until they die – that is irrelevant in the bigger picture when you consider that the person absolutely loses control of what will become of them on the other side and how they will then eventually inevitably experience themselves. The only way we are able to have an input/effect onto the experience of ourselves as individuals that exist within the whole, is to decisively determine now who we will be and what we will do in this life, this very brief time that we have to have a difference with.

To only take care of this one life is foolish, to take care of only one life form is foolish, to take care of some lives and other lives is foolish. We have to know deep down how little control we have – and yet we can not deny that we have a place in this world, that we are here, that we exist, that we don’t want to die know if we have at least that choice – why would we want to be here, naturally?

Let’s stop the external illusions we use to abdicate our power and self responsibility in this world to have a better experience of ourselves and other where we do not live in such a constant state of fear due to our neglect of ourselves, and thus each other and life. We can only recognize others once we have recognized ourselves. We can first forgive ourselves for how we have abdicated ourselves with self corrective applications, and from this forgive each other through the stopping of who we were when we harmed each other and the certainty of ensuring that through our commitment to ourselves life that we will never harm again.


Day 249: Fear of going to hell



Before I get this blog started I just wanted to say: It is so important to prioritize oneself and give oneself the assistance and support self requires. We find all kinds of reasons/excuses to not do this, but it is really the point that everyone requires and that this world requires in order to make this world a place that is best for all life – self support, self intimacy, self honesty, self forgiveness, self love. The difference it makes in my life to do this – and make sure I always have time to do this and to do it right, meaning to really make the effort to explore oneself as how self experience self, as the thoughts, emotions, feelings, habits, patterns we experience – is massive.

Now onto todays point. I had a massive fear overtake me, when I thought about how it is possible that things I have done in my past could come back to hurt me. I was going to say ‘haunt’ me, but that is really the case as I am already haunted by memories as past experiences that have shaped who I am today. I mean like, people being angry with me for mistakes I have made in the past, maybe even being physically affected/harmed. But I mean, what is the point of such a fear? If it happens, it happens – why would it be relevant as a fear in my mind?

All fear leads to one place – giving up – and this process is really about changing yourself and doing what is best for all life, unconditionally – risking everything to make sure I have done everything I possibly could to make this world a place that is best for all life. Because while I do fear what could happen in this life, it is what happens at death that I fear most: having to face myself at the end of my days knowing that I have forsaken life. I have experienced regret enough times to know that it is inevitably and inescapable. Knowing this – that consequence is inescapable in some form or another – only drives me to further ensure that I am effective in my process and making a real difference.

In fact, what I fear is what billions of beings on earth are experiencing, which is extreme pain and suffering – because there is a deep awareness that by living a life of self interest/desire, I am in fact creating and sustaining those conditions and inflicting them on others, and thus I fear this being done unto me because it is what I am doing unto others.

I also had an experience today where I got excited about another new job where I will be making decent money. There is definitely a point of ego attached to this and this is going to have to stop, because such a point is actually based in inferiority and let’s face it: the money I am making is not mine, nothing of this world and how it really functions makes anything ‘mine’, in reality. I will have to give it all up eventually. Are we so stupid that we will actually blind ourselves from this inevitability and just pretend it isn’t true and just go “fuck it – weeeeeee!” and ‘enjoy the ride while it lasts’ of having money and privilege? Within this, we do not realize that the greater we escape reality, living life as if it is some joy ride, the harder the fall back to reality will be in the end.

It is fascinating that the 2 most prominent point I experienced today were a fear, and a desire – they are really 2 sides of the same coin.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am living this life ‘for me’ and within this, get excited about ‘my life, my money, my success, my pleasures, my entertainment, my excitement, my stuff, my anything’ – as the belief that I could actually ever own anything, as if I will be here forever – not realizing that I am here for a limited amount of time to learn a lesson – how to give to all life as myself, as equal and one, to finally learn what it is to be life as one and equal to this existence, even within the limitations of the physical body design.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the fear of being hurt in this life or having any kind of bad experience, whether in the physical body or at death, is in fact the fear of loss within the awareness that I am existing in self interest in spite of life

Thus I commit myself to stop living in a way that is based on my own desires as fears, as the desire to be successful, to have money, power, status, sex, attention, or anything of this nature, as I see, realize and understand that I am here on this earth for one reason only – to stand up from that which I have accepted and allowed of myself to become and in fact learn what it means to honor life as one and equal to and as life

I commit myself to identify points where I am still allowing desire to continue and why I am allowing it to continue and what the rational/justification/fear/belief is behind it so that I can live without fear and truly make the most of this time I have ben given on earth to make this world a place that is best for all life as myself, one and equal

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the tendency to want to have others understand me, which is still a way of enabling/maintaining my self interest as the desires I have created and rather stick to the principles of self honesty and self forgiveness in application as breath

I commit myself to apply myself unconditionally, no matter what the threat, what the fear of loss or hurt is, and risk everything to honor life as what it means to in fact stand up for life with real integrity and dedication – as if I were in the shoes of another who desperately requires help as billions of people/animals are in trouble, I would want those who are able to, to stand for me

Hell is already here on earth, folks. Time to stop what we have allowed and create ourselves anew.

Day 235: Addiction as a form of suicide


What I have learned about addictions, both to drugs and alcohol as well as anything else that one may become addicted to, is that it is all about escaping. I mean I actually had this pointed out to me years ago but never really investigated the point because I did not know the value of writing, self investigation and self inquiry.

Going down that path of logic of using drugs as an escape, you realize that it is a totally dead-end road. I mean, where the fuck are you going when you are on drugs? Nowhere but in your own mind. Nothing is actually happening in reality. You just sober up and realize you’re still in this shit – and yet because the drugs appeal so greatly to the mind as the desire to escape, you just end up going back to them because for a moment, the experience felt so nice – but that is all it was – an experience. We fool ourselves by holding onto the memory of that experience and holding it dear, as something to be sought after and experienced again. 

So what are we escaping from? Our reality, and the way we have experienced it. The same way that we cherish our ‘positive memories’ that can fuel addictions, we tend to hold onto memories negative experiences we have had in our lives, which is what even drives us towards the positive. But again, the negative memories that drive us are also just an experience – it is the way in which we saw our reality in specific moments/events and how we have defined our reality within such experiences. It is not the truth, it is not what reality really is.

In this misunderstanding of reality is birthed the idea that ‘this is the way it is, and thus, this is how it will be – I cannot change it’ – and so the desire to escape is birthed. Is it that we cannot change it or that we do not want to change it and thus we conveniently believe it to be impossible? I mean escapism is really just the abdication of self responsibility. But what is self responsibility? It is your ability to respond through that which we have been endowed with as human beings to be able to create a world that is best for all life. So in not taking that responsibility to create a world that is best for all life, what are we actually doing? We are killing ourselves. I mean, striving to live to our full potential is an intrinsic property of living itself – there is no such thing as half assed living – that would be survival – and that is what the mentality of the entire human race has become.

So this is all why addictions and vices eventually are the end of us, because, although it is being done in a very slow but sure way, we are killing ourselves! I mean in the very plight of addiction we exist as the walking dead, so while you might not have physically died yet, the mind is possessed, and you’re well on your way, while simultaneously killing others in your name through the absolute neglect of life that drugs facilitate. The desire to escape and not be here and have some ‘higher experience’ of yourself is the desire to live in an illusionary fantasy world that doesn’t exist – sounds like heaven doesn’t it? So I suggest to consider your addictions from this perspective: that you are killing yourself slowly but surely and it will be a shitty process. So every time you give in, ask yourself – are you ready to die? Is not existing what you really want? If so, then why the hell don’t you just kill yourself right now? You may as well.

But then that nugget of self interest and hope chimes in – the positive memory of the positive experience – something to live for, apparently! So we keep ourselves alive to kill ourselves. We end up living full lives that are torturous. I mean what the fuck is the point of living such a life? This can also be seen at a greater societal level where the way in which we value our lives is a matter of quantifying them through length . But I mean, what about the matter of what are we actually doing with the time we are given? This is why being in the middle of the road is the worst place to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not equate how it is exactly that I can create the kind of self/life that I would actually like to experience/exist as, and to ensure that I am living my life to it’s full potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become comfortable in accepting/living with addictions and stand in the middle of the road with regard to my addictions and that I have not allowed myself to strive to stop them and do whatever is necessary to stop

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to keep myself alive purely for the sake of survival and keeping up addictions to have ‘higher experiences of myself’ and accept a life of mediocrity and imperfection

I commit myself to, while I am here on this earth, living this life, investigate and work out how exactly I can live the life I would like to, and apply that which I learn practically

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself wanting to survive solely so that I can fulfill my own self interest, I stop, I breathe, I stop myself from within the pursuit of survival and the patterns/behaviors that I participate within that I believe will assist me to survive and walk through the fear/resonant experience of feeling like if I do not continue within these patterns, my life is going to end/deteriorate

Day 232: Being alone and the illusion of myself

Yesterday I woke up with a large amount of fear and it was a distinct fear of being alone. It was the fear of being just here as the physical, without any people or thoughts/mind to keep me stimulated, to keep me in the illusion that I am busy, that I am not alone and that everything is ok. It is like I fear to be alone here in the physical because I fear death and know it is an inevitability. Why do I fear death? Seems natural to, I mean why would I want to give this life up? And yet the fact is that I have no choice. The real reality is that I have no choice and perhaps that is what I fear losing because that is what stimulating the mind as thoughts gives me: the illusion of choice.

So it is the real reality that I fear facing: that I am in a temporary body before I move onto the next point of my existence. What I also know is that within this temporary body, I am privileged – in fact I am in a position of total advantage where I have the most opportunity to abuse these advantages in the name of my own self-interest – while in reality I have the most responsibility towards life due to my advantages.

So this means that I have to live for others as well as myself and yet I find it so difficult to strike a balance. It is like my death in this world is so certain, and my survival feels like it is under such constant threat that I always have to make decisions that will ultimately serve me – and not in the next life – in this one. Perhaps in this regard the certainty of death is a gift to show that the fear of survival is not real, it cannot be real, because it is the fear of an inevitability – and with that inevitability is the certainty that life in fact goes on, it continues – just not in this privileged form. Why do I fear not being in the privileged form? Because I fear what those in the privileged form will do to me as I have done in my privileged form – abuse it and thus no regard others/take care of others. I fear myself essentially because I know what I am creating.

Self interest is always the carrot that ropes me back into this temporary illusion. Wanting to make the most of this life – and yet to give up this one life is a statement of making sure that all lives will be taken care of and the self-honest recognition that this is really how it works – the living statement of the understanding of the fact that your life extends beyond this one form/body. It seems like a lot to give up from the perspective of being in the illusion – and yet it is a lot to give up because it is a lot that is required to be corrected of our current world and that must be given to the future generations in order to create a future that is best for all life. There is no need to convince others, there is no need for others to even understand what I am doing or recognize it – what matters is that I am making a difference, and living the difference.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define/determine myself and my actions based on the system that I am existing within and to have used the rules of the system as the rules to abide by for survival as the rules from which I primarily exist and make all decisions, such as for instance believing that I have ‘free time’ because according to the system, I have no survival-based responsibilities, and therefore apparently  have free choice within the belief that I have free time – when in fact this is the illusion of the system and survival and in reality time is always finite and within reality there is no such thing as ‘free time’ – there is only the recognition of reality and all that encompasses

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to fully realize the futility, uselessness and dissatisfaction I will experience from having only lived in a system just to survive and thus the futility of survival and ‘success’ within the system

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I will only begin to see the degree to which the illusion of the system/self-interest exist by actually stepping out of it and no longer allowing myself to be influenced/directed by it

Day 204: As I get older, it becomes more apparent that…

When I began my process, it was a very exciting thing and it was difficult to not allow my ego to intervene, which of course defeats the whole point of the process of stopping the mind, doesn’t it? As I get older it becomes less about attention (as I have felt much of my life has been) and I simply realize more within myself, here alone: what am I really doing? Is there any personal pursuit/endeavor/point of self definition in this world that I can really stick to with certainty and say “yeah, this is it, this is what I am, this is what matters”? No. I begin to question more and more what I will be facing at the end of my time on earth, knowing what I left behind, knowing what I did or didn’t do, and possibly having to ‘meet my maker’ and face myself and ask myself the question of ‘was your life really worth anything?

Think of when a small chapter of your life ends – you have a relationship break up, you lose your job, you find out someone you trusted was your enemy all along, someone in your life close to you dies – you begin second guessing things. Think of the thing that you think is the most important thing to you – and then you find out it wasn’t really that important, it was just what you made it out to be, which was a lie because it wasn’t that in fact. Now imagine you have this sobering experience with regards to your entire life being a life.

That is the kind of shit I can’t help but face as I get older because, Jesus Christ I’m not stupid and neither are you – we’re going to die and we’re going to die alone – and no amount of fun times, bright lights and excitement can compensate for that. “live every day like it’s your last” we say and then we basically just try and have as much fun and as much of a blast we can – is that really living or is that the attempt to get so high in this life that we can compensate for the cold hard truth of what awaits us?

What if the cold hard truth didn’t have to be cold and hard – and that we’re just making it so through our denial of life and reality? What if our lives could be more if we just embraced the facts about how it really works – including this point of death that I’m mentioning? What if death were the gift to assist us to live in humbleness and humility to ensure that we do recognize what is real, that our true purpose on this earth in this life is to serve. What if death were simply here to reflect to us not our fear of dying, but rather our awareness of a life lived in vain?

I can’t say that anything in my life – no matter how important I have made it out to be – is worth giving up a responsibility to life and to serve life as I know I would want to be served. We are taught from a young age to ‘find ourselves’ which is in essence to form a personalized mental identity wherein we create our egos as our self definition – and I searched and worked for a very long time to carve out my own place and say ‘this is who I am’. But of course, if one has to choose, to decide, then it wasn’t real in the first place was it? Unfortunately I see that the world has become nothing but a competition of who can lie to themselves the best and do this, fighting for status in an illusory game within the cult of personality, and some of us have been playing the game for so long that we forget that it was just a game all along. That is some scary shit.

Yet this isn’t a message of fear – the fear is already here and it is constantly living in your mind if you would dare to take a look at the nature of your thoughts – it is a message of reality and to say that you are able to stop and find out what is real. All that matters at the end of the day is that we were honest with ourselves about who we were and what we allowed ourselves to be and become and if one is not even able to give themselves the basic self respect and honor of doing so – then in a way our death is something we should be grateful for, isn’t it?

Day 194: Die well, Bernard Poolman

I’m here to speak about Bernard Poolman, who passed away on August 11, 2013. When I heard of the news at first, I had to re-read the words a few times to make sure that this is what I was actually reading. I was flabbergasted. In shock and disbelief. I didn’t expect it at all, I mean I had even thought before about what it might be like in the future one day when I am in my 50’s and Bernard is in his 70’s, what life would be like then. This was totally unexpected as there was no kind of illness leading up to his death. My initial reaction was to try and make sense of it – how it happened or what it means, so that I can understand it sufficiently to make some kind of value judgment on it.

The truth is that in reality death is just another part of life. Life is life and has no beginning or end as it is life, and thus with every death as an ending, there is also a new beginning. As I am writing this, I am reminded that Bernard was actually the person who assisted me to open my mind and see death in a different light – not as something negative to be feared and avoided as we are taught to, but to embrace the opportunity that presents itself within change.

There was some sadness within my reaction to Bernards death, but interestingly enough I noticed that there was actually a part of me that kind of wanted to be sad. The fact is that (once again, as I remember Bernard once saying) sadness is pointless, and if I really look at it self-honestly, the desire to cry is really a selfish thing. I say this because Bernard was a being who truly lived every breath like it was his last: he did everything possible while he was alive on this earth to support me and all life to self-realize. He had already since a long time ago given me and everyone else the necessary tools to be able to create a life of perfection, to create a heaven on earth for myself and all of my brothers and sisters. He truly did everything possible to enable people rather than be dependent on him, and for this reason, I or no one else require Bernard to be around any longer for us to do what is necessary to be done to create a world that is best for all.

The only reason I could find for wanting him to stay is to have some sense of security, that ‘everything is ok because Bernard is here and he is almighty’ – which would then be the exact opposite of his message and a selfish thing because as long as I have this warm feeling rooted in dependency, then I will not change.

Bernards death drives this point to home. It is like a father figure dying in the sense that there is this cold, hard realization that ‘oh shit, I am on my own now, it is all up to me’ – and it is perfectly fitting because again, this was the message all along and it only reflects to me where I had missed the point of it.

It is funny how even in death Bernard has me looking at myself in self honesty. Everything he ever did always lead towards this same outcome: to support others to realize themselves and take responsibility for themselves, and I have never met a being that was so selfless and so impersonal, and yet was ‘so close to me’ – although these words are insufficient to explain this because it was more than that: with Bernard, if even for a moment of being with him or in his presence, you truly experienced what equality was and could be, what it was like to be beyond separation, and one with and equal to another being that is truly you, living in another individualized expression. I had never experienced anything like it.

Of course I will miss him and his expression, but within living oneness and equality, nothing is truly missed because again, the point is not to stand as separate to this point but to actually become one with and equal to it.

So getting past how I relate to the death of Bernard, I would like to speak more on the actual man he was, for anyone who is interested to know from my own personal account. I first encountered Bernard through the Desteni forums in October 2007. He didn’t often write large posts nor did he need to – I was always amazed at how powerful and directive his words could be, and yet with so few words and such simplistic terminology. The things he would say rang throughout existence as they were words that seemed to encompass an understanding of life in it’s entirety – and so within this the words would also ring true in my own life. The kind of words that applied directly to everybody’s life which everyone could relate to, providing us with clarity and stability along with intrigue and fascination. In a short time and with a few simple words, Bernard had already changed my life and opened my eyes to new perspectives that I had never before fathomed, yet explained everything that I had been experiencing in my life and that I had yearned to understand. After some time of asking questions on the Desteni forums, the first words he had ever spoken to me “you will not understand with the mind” were groundbreaking and spoke volumes to me, having vast implications over my life and how I would perceive everything in my life from this point onwards.

I knew that although I did not always fully grasp what this man was saying, that his words and his message were something that I really had to come to understand if I was ever to understand myself and this world, which he had already shown me, there was much, much more to it than I was aware of. Through very tough times I was extremely fortunate to have him here, and despite being a person as dedicated, committed and busy as he was (he once mentioned to me that he gets about 1000 e-mails a day) he was always there to assist me when called upon. There were never any pleasantries or small talk with Bernard, something that might be unnerving, and yet it was never needed as the substance of your interaction with Bernard spoke for itself – no reaffirmations were ever need to convince yourself that your experience with him was a positive thing, as is so commonly the case in all other day to day interactions with people.

Through the stability and purity of his words, Bernard showed his trustworthiness and there was not a single human being that I would have trusted with my life any more than him. And when I say ‘my life’ – I do not mean in terms of my survival or self interest – quite the opposite, as in that sense he posed the greatest threat! And yet despite any fear of loss or change, Bernard always has and always will stand as the reassuring example and stability that this is process of self change that I am undertaking is what must be done, that this is who I really am.

In March of 2010 I was fortunate enough to go to the Desteni farm and meet Bernard face to face. When I walked into the kitchen of the main house for the first time, he happened to be walking directly towards where I had come in, immediately stuck out his hand to shake mine and said “stop following me”, which was something that was written on a graphic T-shirt I was wearing at the time, and coincidentally this statement made from my shirt related directly to my process. There were many of these kinds of funny moments. I was initially very nervous to be meeting what I considered such a great man, and yet by the time came that I actually met him, all of that completely vanished and it was unexpectedly natural and fluid, it is like his presence allowed me to really be myself, and contrary to how I can be, I found myself extremely quiet in his presence, as if every word I could speak, before I could speak it, was reflected back to myself and so before my mouth even opened, I knew whether or not I was talking shit.

I noticed that Bernard moved very fluidly in everything that he did, he was always working hard at something, he was extremely dedicated and yet always cool, and he was always being followed by about 10 dogs! Surely they also enjoyed the stability of his presence. Having conversation with him was fascinating – he would show me things about myself that I was not even aware of, he would explain things about myself and existence that I could barely fathom, and within this it was always implied that he had the faith in me to eventually get what he was saying, despite how small or insignificant I may believe myself to be. Bernard was a person who had absolute faith in the potential of the human, despite all evidence pointing to the opposite, despite how much we may not believe in ourselves, he did. And while I had some fascinating discussions about the ‘bigger picture’ of life, no conversation or task was ever too small for Bernard. As an example, there was a time that I was trying to figure out how the fizzy drink machine in the kitchen worked. He showed me effectively how to use it and that was it. A seemingly small thing and yet it shattered any kinds of delusions of grandeur I may have had about him.

I always expected Bernard to be ‘hard on me’, being aware that he was not one to accept anything less than ‘who you really are’ – and yet he never judged me, and was actually very gentle in giving me just exactly what was needed to assist me with a point – nothing more, nothing less. Bernard had truly given himself up in service of life, and all the most acclaiming words are not enough to describe what it is like to experience a being that is so trustworthy and so pure. It was not about what he did, it was about who he was, as all of his actions indicated that this was no acting job; he had truly gone inside himself and sorted himself out as the creation of who he was. He was that person that everyone wished they could be, the image and likeness of perfection that is possible for every human to become – and by no magical means; he had dedicated himself and walked through his own process of doing whatever it took, of giving up whatever was necessary to do what is best for all life and to be a being who could be trusted with life and was the true image and likeness of God.

It was an amazing experience, and yet it was very normal. It was very ‘special’ by contrast of what the human has become, something flawed and evil in nature, but in terms of what life should be like, it was just normal. He didn’t have super powers, he couldn’t fly or do things that would make you go ‘ooh ahh, look at how special he is and superior to everybody’, he had no extraordinary skills or talents or gifts put on display, he was, as he explained, ‘just a beast’, and his mind was darkness. “There is nothing, just darkness” He said to me about what goes on in his mind. And yet with no mind, this man had been more capable and effective than any human being I had ever met. With any person in any given moment, he seemed to know exactly what was going on with that being and exactly what to say which would be something that resonated right through the core of your being and prompted a response.

And throughout all the chaos and bleakness of our world and our future, he provided a faith that was rooted in reality and thus a stability through certainty, that eventually, we would find our way, that I would find my way, because there was only one way; life as all as one as equal – and now that we know the way, we are on our way through the process that is taking place on earth. One of the earliest things I remember reading that he said about his own story was that ‘if anyone else had been in my position, they would have done the same thing – that is the faith I have in man’.

Some of you who know of my time living and working in Thailand may also be curious to know that it was Bernard who encouraged me to undertake this experience, which I initially had declined, and I am forever grateful for it as it has been an invaluable life changing experience. It was also Bernard that encouraged me to take on the Desteni I Process course, when I initially did not participate because I believed I was not capable of doing it – this was another life changing decision.

I suppose I could go on and on about the implications of Bernards time here on earth and what he had done to change this world to become a better place and a place that is best for all life. He has shown us how significant we are, within the point of ‘who we are’ – that you matter and that your life can be of great consequence, if you are able to let go of the illusion of self as ego and embrace yourself as the physical, as that which is really life. It is a tough process and yet the most rewarding thing a person could ever undertake.

My main experience with regards to Bernards death is one of regret – but again, this is more of a self reflection of a point that already exist within me, so here Bernards death is assisting me to look at myself. As an ongoing point, which I also experienced with regard to my time spent on the farm, I regret not having done more, not having applied myself more, not having lived as Bernard did as his equal; having done everything possible to honor life in every single moment of my existence. Even in his death he stands. He stands as the example, something that can never disappear or be forgotten as its effects are here and will remain here as those who walk in his stead. And so even in death has his message remained consistent: let’s get this done! That to honor life and sort out our world is still priority #1. Bernards death has lit a fire under my ass to really have me question myself, just as he did in life – am I doing everything I possibly can to stand for life?

Bernard once joked about how when we say ‘good bye’, we are actually saying ‘good buy’ – and to rather say ‘die well’. To the mind this may sound appalling, but if you really look at it, it is a self honest statement because everybody dies, and everybody would like to die well and we would all like each other to die well because that would mean that we lead a life on earth that was worth living, where we honored all other life as ourselves as equals. Bernard was a being who truly died well.

Die well, Bernard. You will be missed, but your message and what you stood for will not.