Tag Archives: escaping

Day 293: Letting go of past vices and the tools for a new life

 

One thing that I am well aware of which makes writing more difficult, is the things I do to escape reality – the habits and patterns I have developed which give me the experience of ‘taking a break’ from the difficulties I experience in life. The more I give into these vices, the more my resistance to writing – a real solution – grows. This is the essential problem that we as a species are facing: we are so addicted to our vices and the things we use to cope with our mistakes and deficiencies that we will not even consider a real solution.

 

What is different in my case is that I have been given tools to find my way out of the mess that I got myself in, also known as my mind, as the accumulation of memories/experiences I’ve had and how they define me. What I see when I look back is that I developed all these coping mechanisms during a time in my life where I had no other answers, no other tools, and no sign of help or assistance ever coming. From this a kind of experience of hopelessness emerged, and this is where I sort of said “fuck this, I’m going to just do my own thing that pleases me”, and so the vice was born, the escape artist was born. The more that I (we) move down this path of escapism as the solution, the more trapped we become in it, and it is really no way to live, it is self perpetuating weakness, it is a life of fear, anxiety and lack of self trust because we are deeply aware of what we are doing, that we have forgotten from where we came and ignore the path that we are headed towards. Who wants to live that kind of life?

 

And yet I see how I have come to believe that living this way is the only way. It is difficult to even fathom a life without my vices, like wow, it seems like it is beyond comprehension. I mean, talk about brainwashed, talk about controlled, talk about enslaved. But what I had forgotten is that this view stems from this overall mentality of escapism as the solution, and that this was formed during the period in my life when I had no solutions. Now the escapism doesn’t work anymore (or I’ve just realized it), but it is different this time: I have the tools. I have the answers, because I created the problem. I am the problem, because it is me who accepted the belief of what I apparently want as vices that I use to escape. I do not need to fear anymore to disengage from these escapes, because I have the tool – it is time to persist in giving myself the self support that I require, that I always wished for but never got because I never before realized that I am my own creator.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the act of giving up and all of the vices that I use to escape reality were formed at a time when I felt I had no other solutions/alternatives, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I no longer require to put my faith and trust in these vices, I no longer have to put faith in them as I have the solution here as me as self honesty and self forgiveness and thus it is only a matter of remaining here as breath and not giving into the desires of the mind to escape, so that I may give myself the breathing room to walk a new path of living and self discovery wherein I am the directive principle

 

I commit myself to embrace the tools I have been given as gifts with which to set myself free from the limitations of the mind and to commit myself to use these tools on a daily basis so that I may stop escaping my reality within the belief that life is my enemy, and I may embrace all that I encounter in my journey as I have the tools to live and express myself as one and equal in all that I may encounter and experience

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Day 235: Addiction as a form of suicide

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What I have learned about addictions, both to drugs and alcohol as well as anything else that one may become addicted to, is that it is all about escaping. I mean I actually had this pointed out to me years ago but never really investigated the point because I did not know the value of writing, self investigation and self inquiry.

Going down that path of logic of using drugs as an escape, you realize that it is a totally dead-end road. I mean, where the fuck are you going when you are on drugs? Nowhere but in your own mind. Nothing is actually happening in reality. You just sober up and realize you’re still in this shit – and yet because the drugs appeal so greatly to the mind as the desire to escape, you just end up going back to them because for a moment, the experience felt so nice – but that is all it was – an experience. We fool ourselves by holding onto the memory of that experience and holding it dear, as something to be sought after and experienced again. 

So what are we escaping from? Our reality, and the way we have experienced it. The same way that we cherish our ‘positive memories’ that can fuel addictions, we tend to hold onto memories negative experiences we have had in our lives, which is what even drives us towards the positive. But again, the negative memories that drive us are also just an experience – it is the way in which we saw our reality in specific moments/events and how we have defined our reality within such experiences. It is not the truth, it is not what reality really is.

In this misunderstanding of reality is birthed the idea that ‘this is the way it is, and thus, this is how it will be – I cannot change it’ – and so the desire to escape is birthed. Is it that we cannot change it or that we do not want to change it and thus we conveniently believe it to be impossible? I mean escapism is really just the abdication of self responsibility. But what is self responsibility? It is your ability to respond through that which we have been endowed with as human beings to be able to create a world that is best for all life. So in not taking that responsibility to create a world that is best for all life, what are we actually doing? We are killing ourselves. I mean, striving to live to our full potential is an intrinsic property of living itself – there is no such thing as half assed living – that would be survival – and that is what the mentality of the entire human race has become.

So this is all why addictions and vices eventually are the end of us, because, although it is being done in a very slow but sure way, we are killing ourselves! I mean in the very plight of addiction we exist as the walking dead, so while you might not have physically died yet, the mind is possessed, and you’re well on your way, while simultaneously killing others in your name through the absolute neglect of life that drugs facilitate. The desire to escape and not be here and have some ‘higher experience’ of yourself is the desire to live in an illusionary fantasy world that doesn’t exist – sounds like heaven doesn’t it? So I suggest to consider your addictions from this perspective: that you are killing yourself slowly but surely and it will be a shitty process. So every time you give in, ask yourself – are you ready to die? Is not existing what you really want? If so, then why the hell don’t you just kill yourself right now? You may as well.

But then that nugget of self interest and hope chimes in – the positive memory of the positive experience – something to live for, apparently! So we keep ourselves alive to kill ourselves. We end up living full lives that are torturous. I mean what the fuck is the point of living such a life? This can also be seen at a greater societal level where the way in which we value our lives is a matter of quantifying them through length . But I mean, what about the matter of what are we actually doing with the time we are given? This is why being in the middle of the road is the worst place to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not equate how it is exactly that I can create the kind of self/life that I would actually like to experience/exist as, and to ensure that I am living my life to it’s full potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become comfortable in accepting/living with addictions and stand in the middle of the road with regard to my addictions and that I have not allowed myself to strive to stop them and do whatever is necessary to stop

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to keep myself alive purely for the sake of survival and keeping up addictions to have ‘higher experiences of myself’ and accept a life of mediocrity and imperfection

I commit myself to, while I am here on this earth, living this life, investigate and work out how exactly I can live the life I would like to, and apply that which I learn practically

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself wanting to survive solely so that I can fulfill my own self interest, I stop, I breathe, I stop myself from within the pursuit of survival and the patterns/behaviors that I participate within that I believe will assist me to survive and walk through the fear/resonant experience of feeling like if I do not continue within these patterns, my life is going to end/deteriorate

Day 191: Insulating myself from my fears and my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to escape onto the ‘highroad’ of being one of the ‘successful’ people on earth wherein I am insulated from the fear of survival/threat of not surviving by having a stable/’normal’ home and job and that I have used these circumstances and things around me to get a sense/feeling/experience of comfort/safety/security, not realizing that this feeling/experience actually comes in contrast to the fear of surviving and that I can only have this feeling/experience and want/desire this feeling experience if I am still allowing the fear of survival within me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the comforts of having a privileged life and a comfortable experience to separate myself from the reality of the experience that many millions of people are having on earth; a miserable experience where life is a strife and all about survival, living in absolute fear and despair – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible to escape this reality through privilege, not realizing that the excitement of the experience I get from being privileged and is worthless and not real if it is only me experiencing it and not everyone

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to remain within a survival mindset wherein making a living and ‘how good of a living can I make for myself’ becomes the only thing that matters and the standard from which I base all of my decisions – not realizing that my survival and comfort is merely a means to an end and only one mouth fed out of many who are not fed – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be defined by my living conditions, standards and history of ‘how successful am I’ and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the same, constantly and consistently, not dependant on my conditions/terms of living in terms of what I have or do not have and what societal standard I am living within

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by my process and within the moment of being overwhelmed, finding ways to escape myself through doing the easy thing, which often tends to be entertaining or preoccupying myself with things that are not important

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in any given moment I have 2 choices – the first is to continue to do the easy thing which is to ignore what is here and preoccupy/distract myself with entertainment or physical pleasures/comforts, because by doing the easy thing nothing is changing, I am wasting my time, diminishing and squandering my opportunity live change in this world – the second choice is to challenge myself in every moment to do that which is necessary to be done as that which is pertinent here and if that point is not clear, then to stand here and breathe and have a look at myself/my world as what is here and from this, then see how I must move/place myself – and that this second choice is ‘the hard way’ because it is going to come with the challenge of the fear of loss, fearing losing a feeling or experience that I have grown addicted to and within this I must stand here as the breath – proving to myself that I am self sufficient and am all that is required to exist here and move myself – no longer allowing myself to be moved/controlled by feelings/emotions as energy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to go ‘above and beyond’ the call of duty and compensate for not doing what is necessary to do here and not giving attention to what is necessary to be done here as that which I must do/face in self honesty, through instead focusing my attention on other matters which seems noble and important and can be regarded as ‘good deeds’ according to our current accepted and allowed system morality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my personal success within the system to give myself and others the experience and impression that ‘everything is ok and fine’ when it in fact is not

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to use ‘free moments of time’ where there are no tasks to attend to, to educate myself and enjoy myself and exploring my world through education

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my decisions on personal fears that are based in circumstances of personal wealth in relation to survival, and use these fears to justify not living in a way that is best for all life, rather than making decisions based on that which would be best for all life equally, based on principles that is best for all, lived in integrity

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up the security blanket of feelings that I have isolated myself in from the world as a way of perceiving that I am escaping the reality of my situation and circumstances in the world – not realizing that it is does not make sense to fear giving up an illusion as giving up the illusion is my only opportunity to make my life and the life of others that which is best for myself and others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat doing that which must be done to support myself/life as some kind of chore/task, within the fear of giving up my security blanket of feelings/energy and within this, to make doing what is necessary to be done seem so difficult and un-enjoyable as if there were something better, and then to tend to want to rush/race through such tasks wanting to ‘get them done’ so that I can ‘get back to that which is apparently more enjoyable to do’ – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there is nothing ‘more’ enjoyable to live here as breath as that which I am

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that words are alive as the words that I am living as my programming as my thoughts/backchat

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to specify every action within my process to ensure that it is absolutely what is best in terms of working with what is here and relevant, rather than simply busying myself and giving myself the feeling that I am apparently doing something good

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be diligent and direct in applying myself within my process unless there is an absolutely valid reason in self honesty as to why I am not at the moment able to apply myself in my process – and thus within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat applying myself in process as only being defined by participating in certain tasks when in fact applying myself in process is an entire way of life wherein I decide in every moment to act on principles which are best for all life equally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to insulate myself from my fears through the experience/feeling/illusion of success and wealth

When and as I see myself in moments wherein I have 2 decisions to make and I am wanting/desiring/inclined to make the ‘easy’ decision of going into entertainment – I stop, I breathe, I embrace myself here within and as breath and embrace/accept the lack of feelings/energy that is not being fed and thus I accept myself here living as the physical, without dependency on energy to ‘feel like everything is ok’

When and as I see myself wanting to do good deeds – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this desire is a form of compensating for where I have not taken responsibility for myself – and I do not participate in this desire but rather look for how I can find and address that which I am not giving my full attention to where it is needed