Tag Archives: trap

Day 334: The trap of comfort and what it means to live life in the moment

 

A couple days ago I wanted to watch a music DVD that I hadn’t seen in a few years. I remember enjoying this dvd, band and their music a lot at that time, and so when I wanted to watch it, I wanted to share it with my girlfriend as something ‘good/cool’. What I tend to forget about points such as this with regards to music is that, despite having some education as to the technical workings/aspects of music, much of what I consider ‘good’ and worth sharing is just out of personal opinion, based on personal preference. There is absolutely no objective facts that somehow state that my music is better than others, or special in any way for that matter.

 

Within this there is also an underlying point which is the desire to ‘connect’ with another person through sharing such personal interests as personal preferences/opinions of things I enjoy. But it is impossible to truly connect with someone on something that is based only in opinion and personal preference.

 

What I also notice is that because I have defined some music as ‘more valuable than other music’ and ‘special’ than others, there is almost a sense of urgency that I must share it, as if I am waging some kind of propaganda war, some kind of opinion war where I must show and give as much exposure as possible to my propaganda, to my opinions, to my preferences, and if I do not, it is as if something will be lost.

 

I have already been shown through many experiences that this simply does not work – to attempt to control moments within the idea of trying to ‘make something special happen’, to create some kind of special experience with special things, with special elixirs – I mean it sounds like a form of magic where I am trying to create a certain energetic experience through ‘connecting with another’ on a point of opinion – a mental connection, and thus a metaphysical connection.

 

This is not life, this is not something that is constant, stable, consistent – it is rather based on the characters that we believe ourselves to be, which have been programmed since birth through societal and media experiences/conditioning, which are the character/personality types that determine what are our preferences and opinions.

 

Life, I have found, is something that is emergent, something not necessarily predicted so specifically – though it can be predicted based on essential principles, it is not something that must take on a certain form or character. It is not something that must be so controlled and prescribed. Life is here in every moment of every experience, and every moment/experience is in fact equal – but it is our personal preferences/opinions that limit us from embracing this fully and unconditionally.

 

Real sharing can only come in sharing the reality of life, of being here in every moment equally in the physical reality that we all share in fact, devoid of personalized opinions and beliefs, where all moments are actually lived fully – there is not a single moment in our lives that is not a moment of value – but by looking for/trying to create moments of value/moments that are special, we miss what is already here, that life already in itself is special. I have had some fascinating experiences of understanding, interaction and personal growth when I have least expected it – and again it is not as though these moments were anything special, they were just surprisingly unseen, as the real life experience that can be had when we let go our our preprogrammed, predetermined and prescribed ideas/beliefs/opinions/notions of what life should be, of what is apparently valuable or special or meaningful.

 

We fear to give up that which we have preprogrammed and prescribed in our life as being special, the prescribed drugs of comfort as that which is familiar to us which keeps us drugged in a state of feeling as if ‘everything is ok’ because we feel safe and secure only experiencing and accepting and participating in what we know. But what if the only real security in life is to let go of all attempts to stick to what we have defined as secure and comfortable, to abandon all that we have grown accustomed to and comfortable with, and embrace life itself fully and completely? This is the real key to learning, to living a life where the education of life never ends and we give ourselves true purpose by living a life where we can constantly grow and become better. I mean, there is so much in this world to learn and do, it is virtually endless.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined certain things in my reality as the things that I like, based on the fact that they are familiar, known, and thus I identify with them as a way of establishing my own identity and thus establishing myself in this world within the starting point of survival as fear of loss – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made opinions about certain things in my life as being special/better than/more important than others, whether those things be music, TV shows, movies, people, places, things, animals, activities, sports, foods, – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define and limit myself according to the things, environments, people and activities that I am familiar with and accustomed to, not realizing that such points I have become attached to within the fear of surviving/losing myself, as if I am clinging onto them for dear life, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of such things, to stop defining myself by them and participating in them, and moving onto new points, embracing the unknown within the self directive principle of life and living within self honesty and self trust

 

Thus, when and as I see myself defining/believing certain things, people, experiences, places, environments, foods, cultures, activities, sports, animals as being more special/having more value than others, and thus wanting to stick to only participating in such points and promote such points as something special/’more than’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand the self limitation I am imposing on myself as self definition, ego and pride, and how I am limiting myself from actually embracing and living life – and thus I do not participate in such beliefs that what I identify with are special and the desire to participate in and promote them, as such desires arise in my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I commit myself to set myself free from the fear of loss/fear of losing myself that I have created as self definition, and live here as breath, embracing every new moment unconditionally within principles that are best for all life, as self trust and self honesty in embracing who I really am by letting go of self definition

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize the implications of an underlying fear of loss/fear of death/fear of losing myself, that such fears create a tendency within me to always try to find a point of habit as experiences, which I then associate with my environment and surrounding things/people, which I find comfortable because it appeases these fears by creating an experience of comfort/stability/that I am surviving well, and that I will then always try to situate myself within/define myself by such habitual living patterns and will begin to trust them because they suit my desire to survive and be comfortable, and thus no matter where I am or what I am doing, I will always try to find this point of normality/regularity/stability through habit – not seeing and realizing the point that living life is fluid and dynamic and cannot be entrapped within a point of habits/patterns which I then define myself by/associate with, and thus that the only real stability that I am able to experience is a stability that is lived as self where, no matter where I am or what I am doing or who I am with, I am stable within/as myself within the self trust of remaining here as breath and not going into the mind to create certain habits/identities within the fear of survival, and thus by remaining here as breath in self honesty, I trust myself to direct myself in a way that is best for all life, and thus myself because I am life

 

I commit myself to stop the tendency to associate myself with/define myself by/limit myself to being a ‘creature of habit’, wherein I look for living patterns/habits that I am comfortable with which I can then automate myself into, not realizing that this is an abdication of self, of who I am, as the breath of life that I have been given as the opportunity to realize what life is and live life here as myself in every moment, as the opportunity to create a life/self/world that is best for all, that is quite cool because it is made in the image and likeness of myself of that which I would like to give to myself/create for myself, enjoy and experience

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Day 181: Why do I blog?

One of the aims of writing this blog was to be candid, to expose myself as much as possible as just another human being dealing with the same old shit that everybody is dealing with, to take my ego down a notch and show that I am flawed by design/condition, and as a side effect of this, to possibly assist others to just ‘come out with it’. There are time where I do not want to write because frankly, I am weak, and so feel that I am in no position to lead or speak as some kind of an authority or someone who knows better on a subject – sometimes I am simply in the middle of my own struggle and aware of my own lack of clarity, which really makes me cringe at myself and within this, I will tend to say ‘I don’t have the right to speak on anything’.

But for the sake of this fear of exposure that the ego has, it is those times when it is equally as important to push myself to just write. What I do not want to do however, is glorify the struggle, which I and many artists like myself have tended to do. It is not beautiful, it is not special or unique or any of that bullshit. What I do want to do, is write myself out to the point where I can make some progress on points through my writing, and share this process with others.

There are times where my inner situation is so bad that the initial point of writing and sorting myself out/stabilizing myself is not published because some of the content is just ‘flushing out’ the inner mind garbage so I can reflect it to myself and see directly and with clarity, what it is that I am in fact accepting and allowing. Other times this stuff is not published for the sake of personal protection as our world has become so abusive that we cannot even sometimes share ourselves completely for the fear that someone may take advantage of us – our world is so self dishonest that we have found extensive ways to say that we are apparently in essence not all the same and thus points of self exposure can be abused by those that would take them and say ‘see, this person is evil where I am not’.

I would like to meet one singe human being who does not have nasty, harmful thoughts about others.

The sooner we can get it all out, the sooner we can see that we’re all just the same and that facing ourselves is not such a big deal – let’s just get it out and call it what it is and sort it out.

Ironically enough, we live in a world where abuse is everywhere, the evidence of our inner abuse as our thoughts is everywhere, and yet we justify this endlessly because there is always a valid reason why we can abuse! He is poor – well that’s OK, because….There are people working as prostitutes – well yes, but….There are people murdering each other in wars – yes there are, BUT…..there are animals being slaughtered in unthinkable agony without mercy – well sure, but…. I mean do we even know the definition of the word abuse? Have we lost sight if what it even means and implies? Obviously not because we are consumed by it as our thoughts as the thoughts of who we are that create all of these scenarios must they themselves be abusive in nature to produce such things – and who is really aware of their thoughts all the time, objectively? That means aware of something to a point where you really rigorously test its validity and challenge how it has been reasoned and justified, without any kind of bias or ulterior motive? To look at ourselves as our thoughts in such a way, looks as if it is an entire process, because it is! And this surely does not take place. We simply think, and think and think…and then finally we act. I mean is this level of functionality/operating not what describes the impulsive nature of a simple robot? Input – act – input – act – never mind where that input is even coming from or how it arrived in your mind in the very first place.

But of course you’ll say it came from your mind – you are apparently the one in control who thought it up all by yourself – you wanted it that way! Or if not you, perhaps some other being as benevolent and righteous as you – God, anyone?

See, the more I actually investigate as this process of self inquiry that I mentioned, the more I am concerned by the fact that I am simply not in control – that as much as I would like to think I am in control and that everything is fine, the fact is that I am just a programmed machine who is following the same set of instructions instructed to me by my parents and to them by their parents before – just a copy of a copy of a copy – this is a shock to the ego, if you can even get as far as to admit this without yet again justifying your apparent specialness and free will – are any of us really as important as we would like to think ourselves to be?

But who cares about all of this, as long as everything in your life is taken care of, as long as you are living the life that you want to and most importantly, that you feel fine – ever wonder where too does this feeling of feeling fine actually come from?

I am not saying, become an anarchist, denounce everything, rebel – I am saying; how can we continue to live our lives as we are, without investigating this, thinking that there won’t be any consequences to this?