Tag Archives: suppression

Day 258: 24-Hour Abstinence Challenge

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When titling this blog, it took a few tries until I got the spelling of this word correct. Normally I am decent when it comes to spelling – I have sometimes wondered if my inability to spell a words spells the fact that I haven’t grasped that word, both in the memory of copying the word itself as well as the definitions/concepts it embodies.

In recent blog posts I have written about prioritizing that which is important, about living my life to it’s full potential, living without regret, in a way where I don’t end my days feeling unfulfilled and wanting for more. Within this, I have more clearly identified for myself that which I would like to do, what are some things I would like to get done and accomplish, some ways I would like to live. I have also identified what is problematic in my life, in terms of old habits that have no real value, and only serve to keep me from full transitioning into a new being, a new way of living life – I could really do so much more if I did not allow such pointless things to hold me back. 

As it has always been for me in this process, stopping any old habit is the same as stopping an addiction – it does not come naturally at all, or without resistance and withdrawal. I have screwed myself in the past by not being realistic about how to go about stopping long-standing habits/addictions, where I ended up getting false expectations and creating ideals about how well I was going to do, and then only ended up in disappointment and discouragement. Stopping a habit/addiction had become a form of abstinence that was really just a suppression, where I would try really really hard to just stop and keep stopping and the whole thing was very energetically driven and tiring – and eventually I would fail – yet I set myself up for failure.

I have began to learn how to walk practically, within the understanding that change is a process that requires more than just stopping, that I require support through writing and doing the necessary study and investigation to ensure that I am stopping with understanding. When I have stopped other habits/addictions in the past, because it came so unnaturally, with so much resistance, I had to actually first do a 24 hour abstaining period, just to break the habit and physically come to terms with stopping – in a way, I had to make decisions that were a form of tough love on myself, not giving myself any other options. Usually, after breaking the habit initially, things would get easier over time, and at the very least, I was giving myself a window to support myself, with clarity, without any backdoors or ulterior motives, or being under the influence of still being dead-smack in the middle of a habit/pattern, just in between doses.

24 hours really isn’t much to ask, either. It is the least I can do, and I owe it to myself, to life, to give myself the chance – no matter how much I resist, or feel as though I am ‘missing out on something’ – I mean that is just withdrawal talking. Thus I am dedicating myself to a minimum of 24 hours of stopping old habits/patterns that really contribute nothing to life. I won’t discuss here the specifics of what some of these habits are – one could gather from reading past blogs, or just use your imagination – I am a fairly ‘normal guy’ when it comes to time-wasting habits – but it doesn’t so much matter what we are wasting our time with as it does the fact that we are wasting away the bit of time we are gifted with while here on this earth.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to give myself a chance to break free from old habits/patterns that serve to keep me lost and from completely making the transition into a new life, using the experience of feeling overwhelmed, like I cannot do it, as a justification, due to past experiences where I set myself for disappointment and failure by not being practical about how to go about stopping habits/addictions – within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to test the point of stopping through giving myself the time and space to stop with simple commitments that are manageable and reasonable to ask of myself and do, to give myself the breathing room/time/space to support myself with more clarity than I otherwise would have while stuck in the middle of a habit/pattern, not realizing and understanding that stopping must be accompanied with self study and understanding, and not enforced on the physical like some unreasonable ultimatum, imposed with force as a for of suppression

I commit myself to live 24 hours without giving into an old habit/pattern of wasting time with various distractions/entertainments/preoccupations and to, within this experience, support myself with breathing and writing – when and as I see the desire to participate in an old pattern arise in my thoughts : I stop, I breathe, I remember my 24 hour commitment to myself as life, I see and understand that the desire to participate in old habits/patterns is simply the mind having withdrawal and using the illusion/belief that I am ‘missing out on something’ – and thus I do not allow myself to participate in these thoughts/this energy as desire, and continue to move myself throughout my day, here as breath.

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Day 169: A life of servitude and inferiority

“a slave master is a slave, because he needs slaves in order to be a master”

 

The more I am able to look at my life and remember my past – specific memories and events that shaped and molded who I am today as my memory, as that which constitutes my consciousness and my thoughts, feeling and emotions – the more I see how I have lived a life of servitude and inferiority, where the premise of my life is that I as an inferior being must live in fear and thus serve my masters unquestioningly. What is also indicating this is how my memories are, from a certain perspective, still here with me, as me, as my behavior patterns. I notice particular tendencies within myself to become subservient to others, as if it is an undertone to my entire being/behavior, where I fear others and thus, act of precautionary ways in an attempt to impress them, make them happy and ultimately serve them. And so I notice for instance, a kind of anxiety when others are around, where I am in a way on ‘high alert’, where I have a kind of ‘heightened’ sense of perception of the things around me and ultimately myself and my own behavior/movement – this would be what is commonly referred to as being ‘self-conscious’.

So the other side of this point is then that when I am not around others, there is like an experience of relief, it is like ‘thank goodness, I don’t have to act anymore’ – because of course living within this kind of state of fear around others is exhausting – I would of course, like to just be me. It is not fun to put on a face to hide behind and this system that I’ve developed is a vicious cycle as the more I allow myself to exist within this system which I created through memories and experiences, the more I become dissatisfied with myself and my existence, and so the tendency will be for anger to accumulate that will either be directed to myself or most likely – others – and yet the anger is being created from a system where I tend to ‘save face’ with others, so the anger gets suppressed and then may sometimes come out/be expressed in unpredictable, destructive ways. Another problem here is also that I will tend to accept this pattern as simply ‘who I am/the way things are’ and thus will tend to want/desire to be alone and get back this experience of apparent peace through solitude, and may even resist social situations at times

It is only my fear of survival and the subsequent desire to be successful (as my fear) that fuels this system, because within this, the desire is to be/act like a perfect person, and here is the problem where suppression is created because ultimately, I am not allowing myself to make mistakes, and to be able to learn from those mistakes, trusting myself to in self honesty always remain here within/as myself as breath, to embrace who I am as what I’ve become and correct these mistakes through investigating the flaws of my character.

One of the birthing points of this tendency to be a certain character that please and unquestioningly serves is past experiences wherein there were unreasonable demands made of me by those in positions of power over me, within which I as a living being was not regarded at all, but only seen through the eyes of the mind as a tool/something to use as a means of pleasing the mind/giving it what it wants – so early on, I learned this behavior and learned this as a survival mechanism, developing myself to be quite ‘good’ at it at my own detriment.

Through several experiences of being generally disregarded as an actual living being, in a way I learned to ‘expect nothing’ from others, but to serve them/be subordinate to them as this way one of the primary means of surviving/actually getting what I may want or need. Within this, I disregarded the possibility of ever recognizing myself and through this, being recognized by others because I learned very early on that apparently it is not possible to be recognized/considered as a living, breathing being, but rather only as a system, here to please the mind in whatever way it so chooses – axing myself from myself as life, and giving myself completely and utterly to the systems which I believe I must be and become in order to exist – essentially copying and internalizing the very disregard, inconsideration and negligence that others and the world had shown me – what a backwards way to live.

Day 135: Suppressing desires

I noticed today that I still have a tendency of suppressing my desires. Now I am not saying that desires are something to simply give into and follow blindly, or that shouldn’t be questioned and debunked in terms of understanding them and why they are existing, but there is a difference between doing this, and simply trying fighting with one’s own desires in a struggle to not give into them, not understanding where they come from in the first place.

The problem I am finding with simply ignoring, suppressing, and not participating in desires without understanding why because the urge is so strong, is that I am acting like they don’t exist, and not actually facing them head on and seeing who I am within these desires and their play outs, to be able to better understand where they are coming from and why they exist. It is only through understanding how they are being created, why I had created them in the first place, that I am able to really stop, because this stopping is through changing who I am – not simply changing what I do. Changing what I do without real understanding is not actually real change – it is just replacing what has been judged as doing something ‘bad’ with what would obviously then be judged as doing something ‘good’ – it is a mind projection.

I see so many people around me doing this – seeing a problem in their life, and without understanding how it was even created in the first place, just jumping towards a solution that is usually just something that has been defined as the antithesis to what they see as the problem in their life. It is almost as if within judging the problem, we are accepting it through just finding ways to escape it through our actions – not realizing that it is self who created this problem in the first place and how it was created.

This point came up today with regards to an illness I have been dealing with for a long time – namely digestion problems, it looks like it may be what is commonly referred to as ‘irritable bowel syndrome’. I have tried DOING all kinds of things to stop it, and sometimes, some thing SEEM to help it, but nothing actually cures it. In fact even the things that seem to help it or seem to make it worse, do not do so in fact as I just tend to create associations with the things I do and how the symptoms are manifesting themselves on a particular day, assuming there is a direct correlation. It has been proven to me now that this is not the case because every time I make one of the associations, like “oh I ate this food, and today I am having less symptoms, so it must be the food that did this’ – it turns out to be proven false, because I will then obviously try to repeat the things that I assume are helping, and then I have bad days where the symptoms are extensive. Just recently for example, when I was having problems, I assumed this was because I was not eating enough fiber – then I tried eating massive amounts of fiber – and the exact same symptoms continued, and even worsened.

What I notice too is that when I think that there is just something I can do or change my actions in some way and this will cure me – I will then tend to not investigate myself, get to know myself, be honest with myself and face myself to get to the real root of why I am the way I am. So it is like a form of escaping, running away from my real problems through just changing what I do and within this, reinforcing the belief that the problem is ‘outside of me’ as caused by something outside of me – things in my world that I interact with/participate within – and that the problem is not actually self created in nature. Interestingly enough, when there is real understanding, I find that real change emerge naturally, ‘stopping’ is a self expression, it is common sense – whereas when I start trying to live by rules created within beliefs/judgments about what to do/what not to do – it is always a struggle, complicated, and difficult to follow/live by. It is fascinating how we deceive ourselves in the name of HELLTH as self support – rather than looking at our real nature/essence of our being, we create all kinds of bullshit knowledge about what we apparently should or should not be doing. I have even noticed how participating in this knowledge/beliefs as ideas of what is apparently good/healthy, is a mental experience where I get a good mental experience of myself which is like a ‘heightened’/enlightened experience – that is ego.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desires through only not participating within them and fighting with them/fending them off/struggling with them, not realizing or understanding why they exist and are as strong as they are.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be further along in my process than I actually am and not do the actual work required to investigate self and actualize self change – by simply trying to change actions, or my outlook/perception, or my behavior/character

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that only real common sense self honest application here in the moment will actually bring results of real change

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize how important it is to function naturally here in the moment – even if my current self accepted and allowed nature is something that must be changed because it is not what is best for all life – in order to see who I really am as what I have become because if I do not allow myself to live myself out as my current accepted and allowed nature, I will not have the opportunity to see myself/face myself and understand myself and thus why I exist the way I do and learn the lessons of why I am this way and why it requires a real change

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize the importance of actualizing self change through understanding and that this is what the tool of writing as self reflection serves, and that if I integrate this tool as my new accepted and allowed human nature, real change will manifest over time as I investigate and understand myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the tendency to only change what I do and suppress my desires is based in actually accepting my desires through trying to escape/suppress them, and thus a fear that is created that these desires will get the best of me and within the creation of this fear as the negative I will simply project actions that I have defined as positive and try to move towards the positive – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my ideas about health and what is apparently healthy food/healthy actions is in fact based in fear and that by participating in these beliefs/actions, I am reinforcing my self-deception and fear

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that nothing can hurt me/affect me if I am not separate from it as I can then direct it as myself if I am one and equal to it – thus it is only necessary to stop the mind as separation because if the mind does not exist, nothing is able to stimulate it/reinforce it/be used by it

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that mistakes do make a great teacher and that if I am not clear – to ‘go for it’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give my desires power by fearing that they can control me through not trusting myself to direct myself within them, not realizing that if I do not trust myself to stand/direct myself within any situation/experience, there is a much greater problem

I commit myself to stop suppressing my desires and stop the fear of my desires

I commit myself to direct myself within whatever it is I am living existing as through breath and through self honest investigation and self forgiveness in writing

I commit myself to stop fighting my desires and trying to participate within that which is apparently positive as the antithesis of my desires – when and as I see myself participating in ideas of what it is to apparently be ‘healthy’ and stop desires only through what I do and not self change – I stop, I breathe and I allow myself to live and function naturally within self trust – no matter what my current accepted and allowed human nature may be

I commit myself to stop changing only my behavior and actions in views/outlook/perception – instead of changing who I really am through self honest investigation, self forgiveness and self realization

I commit myself to investigate and forgive myself here in the moment, as this is able to be done anywhere, not just in writing but aloud as well

I commit myself to stop the fear of making mistakes and allow myself to make mistakes if that is what is involved in functioning naturally and facing myself, as a statement of self trust in realizing that mistakes are able to be a great teacher

I commit myself to integrate the self support necessary to actualize self change such as writing, the 4 count breath and other systems that allow me to live life fully to be able to see how I have limited myself/sabotaged myself as/within the mind

When and as I see myself participating in beliefs/ideas based on knowledge of what is apparently ‘good’ to do and what is apparently ‘bad’ to do, as ideas about health or morality – I stop and breathe and do not participate in these ideas/beliefs within the realization that morality and ideas of health are self deception – for this perspective, ideas about ‘health’ and ‘healthy’ eating as we know it is self deception

I commit myself to make clear, decisive decisions and stick to them/live them out fully as a matter of self trust – as right or wrong as morality is not real within the context of self honest self investigation – within this I commit myself to build self trust as I direct myself fully in self honest awareness here