Tag Archives: real love

Day 314: Correcting addiction, desire and dependency within relationships

 

There are two points that I highlighted in my life as points to write about, that appear to be very much connected. One is my reaction to my girlfriend joking about breaking up with me, and the second is the fact that I reacted (within myself, not so overtly) to a relative talking about Thai-westerner relationships being based in money, being scandalous – the whole point of people using each other.

 

I can’t deny that desires exist within me that play out in my relationships, especially my relationship with my partner, the sexual and close-bond relationship. I can see how we as human beings use the closeness of relationships – being preoccupied with each other, focusing our attention on each other constantly – and love, as a way of not having to face ourselves, to not actually grow within relationships but rather stagnate and diminish. Fascinating that stagnation is actually diminishment.

 

I can’t deny that I don’t do this, because I am very attracted to my partner in many ways. It is as though through separating myself from myself, by not wanting to face myself and what I have become, I look for that closeness in others, I focus on the likeable and positive qualities of another to get this experience of satisfaction when I know everything is not ok, both within myself and within this world. Here I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but simply refer to the fact that we as human beings live in constant fear and that’s what our thoughts, feelings and emotions are all about – this constant state of fear and desire (fear always breeds desire) that we live in.

 

In fact I am really attracted to my partner, to the point where it is noticeably difficult to focus on what is important in life. Not in ‘my life’ – in life.

 

So the other point of reacting to a joke of losing her is just an outflow of this point – not wanting to lose my distraction, my escape, my drug that keeps me blind from reality. This is not to say that it is wrong to be with her in some way – actually, it is quite cool and opportunistic to be able to face myself in a relationship – it is that the whole notion of ‘losing her’ is not real because I don’t ‘have her’ in the first place – that is projection of the illusion I am living in where in fact, the ‘idea of a relationship’ has me. The entire experience of escaping reality through positive feelings (or sometimes negative, you can’t have the first without the second) is the ‘relationship’ that has got control over me, the idea/experience that has got control over me – an idea, a figment of the imagination that is not even real, is controlling my entire perception and way that I live! I have written on this point recently about how relationships in themselves are actually just a belief system, a religion – they’re not even real but just a figment of the imagination. We are always alone with ourselves in fact – yet we are all one, here together in our aloneness.

 

And it is this reality that I would like to start living in, the only reality that there is – the physical reality where we are simply here together. The problem is that, as my second reaction showed, I fear giving up the illusion, simply saying ‘no’ to the temptation to focus on another and get distracted and moving on to the next point that requires my attention in actual fact. It sometimes seems so difficult to break away from this habit because I tell myself that my girlfriend is so attractive and that there are so many nice things about her, but I know that within this positively charged viewpoint, I am only seeing what I want to see and not seeing her/life for what it really is in its entirety. Sometimes when a habit is so engrained, it seems impossible to go about life another way. But I have already proven to myself that it is possible. Quitting ‘cold turkey’ is challenging because this tendency/habit/pattern of focusing on my partner is really engrained t the point of being automated. It will be important to be strict and yet patient with myself.

 

I forgive myself tat I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my relationships as a way of escaping my reality and truth of myself, and not having to actually face myself and take self responsibility, through focusing on both the positives or negatives of another person that I’ve actually convinced myself are real, and used their behavior as evidence of this, when in fact what all humans including myself are currently living is not real, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my dual nature of the mind as characters of good and evil onto other people and not having to then face myself and correct my own inner demons that present themselves as characters of good and evil, by judging the same points in other people, playing deceptive games with myself where I am constantly judging and essentially saying ‘look at that person, they are so good!’ or ‘look at that person, they are so bad!’ which is essentially just the same bullshit game – fearing that which I am and diverting myself from the truth of me by focusing on the apparent good and bad of others

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define good and bad as pictures and associate these pictures with the ones I like/agree with/am similar to as the good, and the ones I don’t like/agree with/am not similar too as the bad, within this not realizing that these are just characters projections that I have created through association/belief while in fact, all are equal as life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define/judge my girlfriend as both good and bad characters, and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to thus be attracted to the good characters and repelled by the bad characters, not seeing and realizing that I am playing games with myself that limit me from ever seeing life direct, as equal and one, by not stopping these projections and rather recognize life firstly within myself and thus in others as well

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of this energetic relationship I have towards others and my partner, and thus to fear ‘losing the relationship’ or to desire to be ‘more close within the relationship’ for that matter, not realizing that there I am trying to experience myself within these projections of good and bad characters, when the only real interaction and communication that can exist would be through standing here unconditionally as equals and not accepting anything else as mental projections of each other that we only see in our minds perception of the physical

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to touch and have physical sensation/experience of the good character that I have defined my partner/others as, while I have wanted to avoid and escape the bad characters that I have defined or may define others – including my partner – as

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my partner as beautiful and special and treat her as such, as something desire to be experienced and close to, not realizing that this definition is only created within the context of wanting to escape reality/the truth of myself and not actually see life/myself for what it really is and that real closeness/experience of another can only exist when you see another for real/as yourself and without illusions of perception

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the pattern of being distracted/preoccupied by my partner as if I will ‘miss out on something’ and constantly wanting to experience her in some positive way and be distracted by such experiences – and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it will be impossible or difficult to break this habit as I have been doing it for so long

 

When and as I see myself playing games with myself where I am judging others/my partner as good or bad – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that I am playing games with myself and fucking with myself by projecting my inner self onto others and through this, creating beliefs about others that are not in fact true, so that I can be deluded and not have to face myself, as the mind is tricky in this way and will use ‘evidence’ that I see in others, which is in fact my own projections of myself, to fool me into believing that what I see and believe and experience on a mental level is real – thus I do not participate in such thoughts/judgments about others as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to identify the moments in which I judge another/react to how I have already defined another as either good or bad, or in the case of a partner in a relationship, as attractive/desirable or undesirable, and to not act on such desires, but rather stop and breathe when I see myself possessed by sch desires in the moment, to remain here as breath as I see, realize and understand that such actions only further engrain these beliefs/projections/desires and thus I will be strict in not participating in these desires as energy, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, within this, prove to myself that I can in fact live real love through standing as equal and one myself and others

 

I commit myself to stop justifying my addictions to my partner of focusing on my partner and looking for positive energetic experiences with my partner with the idea that ‘it is ok because we are in a relationship’ as I see, realize and understand that I am justifying and normalizing addictive behavior that in fact destroys relationships as it drives me to lose control by placing my addiction for positive energy experiences above all life

 

When and as I see myself judging my partner as beautiful and desirable or undesirable/someone I must avoid – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that the judgments of beautiful and desirable are based on programming/past memories of what I believe will apparently satisfy me and make me happy and bring me a positive energy experience with which I can escape myself/not face myself, and that the judgments of undesirable/to be avoided are based on observing behaviors which I only fear because they reflect to me the nature of me, or additionally the fear that I cannot change/direct such a nature within me and thus cannot direct it in another, and thus this too is another way of not having to face myself and stand unconditionally in support of myself and others/my partner as life – thus I do not participate in either of these judgments nor do I act on them, when I see them arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

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Day 308: Re-defining who I am in my relationship to women

When I am bluntly honest and direct with myself about my relationship towards women, within the point of attraction to females, I can say without a doubt that I am existing within a point of desire that is then expressed as lust – and energetic experience where I experience both exhilaration at getting what I desire or the prospect of getting what I desire, and then the other side of the coin, sadness, anger, a feeling of loss when I do not get what I want or do now have any hope/prospects.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined being young and ‘cute’ as being being beautiful, special and ‘worth more’ – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘cuteness’ as being young and small and having a high pitched voice and having certain proportions where there is ‘baby fat’ that makes one look young and pudgy, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have realized the trap of cuteness and defining certain things as cute and giving them a positive energetic charge because subconsciously I am aware that being cute means not being a physical threat and that I have more physical power over that which is cute and thus believe I can control it and do not need to fear it because it can never hurt me – not seeing, realizing and understanding that the deception of ‘cute’ as apparently being desirable and harmless is in fact an insidious way to control me through me being favorable and extra-kind to that which I define as cute within the belief that it is harmless and desirable, as that which I seek to control and have power over because I have it, will end up having power and control over me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined the female body and its shape/curves as being special/more than/desirable because this has been presented to me time and time again through media as being special/desirable, as something that will apparently bring me happiness and fulfillment if I can have access to it and control it because in the mind it is has been turned into a commodity to be sought after, owned and possessed – not realizing the trap, like with any possessions, that that which I give added value to that is not real as commodities will end up possessing me because I then create a dependency where I am ‘less than’ and experience myself as ‘less than/going without/losing something’ if I do not possess such things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define women as being desirable within the principle of ‘wanting that which I am not/wanting that which I have separated myself from’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding the desire/need/want/dependency that I have created through defining myself as separate – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire certain attributes of females that I have further defined myself as separate from such as: dark skin, soft skin that feels different, skin that is not mine, differently shaped eyes, cheeks, nose, smaller shoulders, breasts, buttocks, the vagina, female body fat, small body size, female leg shape, lack of body hair, long hair on the head, long eyelashes, long nails, slender hands and arms, differently shaped lips, big lips – everything about the female body that I have defined as desirable because I have defined myself, and within this creating the belief that I must gain access to/control over that which I have defined as separate from myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of ‘comfort’ when I have access to/have a feeling of control over that which I have defined as desirable as the female body, wherein I feel comfortable and safe because I have what I believe I need and momentarily subside the fear of losing that which I have defined as needing/valuable – not realizing that this comfort is in fact just the momentary subsiding/escape from the fear of loss

I have seen within me that when I do not get what I want, or I consider the point of giving up all these points which I desire/have defined positively, I go into a kind of sadness, a kind of experience of hopelessness, where it is like my whole world is ending, like I am preparing for some big loss – this I have to realize is based on past experiences where I did not understand that my desires were merely desires – illusory creations – and thus, when giving up the desires, I would have to give up the whole relationship and any/all forms of interactions/communication. This is no longer the case. I am able to only give up that which is illusory and simply continue living and interacting otherwise – it is just that without desire, this living/interaction becomes a different kind of expression – this is something that must not fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of depression/negativity/sadness/seriousness when applying myself to change myself within a relationship or even looking at the prospect of changing myself in the relationship, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply look at such a prospect in the mind rather than acting directly, here in the moment as breath, as when looking at the point in the mind, all kinds of resonant memories are activated wherein change was only understood as the ending of all interaction and the relationship turned sour and I did not in fact change but just went into another relationship of the same kind – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear changing who I am and to simply remain here, rather than to look for a way out of the relationship so that I do not have to change myself in fact.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear transforming my relationship to others and to myself and within this, to fear the transformation of my interactions with others

When and as I see myself reacting to any point about a female which I have defined as being special/different/desirable/of high value/of great importance which pertains to their looks or any aspect of their expression that pertains to such definitions – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am only being stimulated according to how I have defined such people in this way, and that this stimulation is producing the energy that is moving me to act – and thus I do not accept and allow myself to be stimulated by or to act on such points as they arise in my interactions with/observations of females as my thoughts, feelings and emotions about females

When and as I see myself reacting to females within such definitions as they are cute, soft, curvy, well proportioned, dark skinned, feminine sounding, have long hair, slender hands and arms, big or different looking eyes, small body and all other points that fit within the definition of the female archetype that I have created in my mind within a point of separation/fear of loss and the subsequent commodification and valuing of such an archetype that I have separated myself from – I stop, I breathe, I do not act on my reactions to such points as I see these reactions arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself feeling/believing that I need and require to have access to and control over such points as I have commodified them – I stop, breathe and I do not participate in such desires as the fear of loss and the desire to attain as they arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I remain here as breath, stable and constant, and without fear of loss

When and as I see myself going into a negative experience of myself of sadness/loss/depression/hopelessness/seriousness – I stop and breathe as I realize that such a perception is ‘making more out of things than there really is, because this is how I experienced changes in my relationships in the past, as completely negative and turning into spitefulness and hatred and the complete stopping of any communication due to this – and thus I do not overcompensate for this point of self change as going into this emotional reaction, thus allowing myself to remain here and face the points here in the moment as myself as breath, and no longer look to the mind as negative emotions/feelings/thoughts based on past experiences as a way of not having to take self responsibility here in the moment and direct myself as breath unconditionally and without fear

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I always have the tendency to desire that which I believe I am separate from, only because I have defined myself as separate to it in the first place, based on past experiences, and tat I only desire such points based on this self definition/definition of others as the belief that I am separate/not one/not equal and the fear of loss created within such separation.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the comfort I experience from attaining/having access to/having control over a woman’s body is in fact only based on this fear of loss and thus to enjoy the experience of having access/control over such things as I have defined them as separate, is only a momentary escape/appeasement from the fear of loss that I have created and am existing within/as

I commit myself to change and transform who I am within relationships and my interactions within females to stand as one and equal, no longer existing within/as separation and fear of loss, and to do this in the moment without the mind guiding me and any backdoors that the fear of loss may try to open – I commit myself to change who I am unconditionally and without fear within the faith and understanding that if I give of myself unconditionally within equality and oneness as that which I would like to receive, that the outcome will always be that which is best for all life.

Day 302: Relationship exposure

 

Today I will be sharing a rather ‘personal’ blog from a journal entry. I actually don’t mind sharing personal stuff here, however I have had some resistance to doing so (just as I have also had to writing about this subject at all, and just as I usually tend to have resistance to writing in self honesty) and a bit of fear that others could judge me, react negatively or even try to use personal information against me in some form of slander – however I am quite certain that there is nothing illegal about having relationship problems lol. So, enjoy:

 

So there have been a lot of intense emotions today. I felt sort of bad and drained about the sex I participated in last night. It felt robotic, careless, totally energy based. All my thoughts have been about this other person and feeling not appreciated by her, like she just doesn’t care. I try to not take it personally because it is like, how she is, is about her, not me, and also, there is no point in getting angry and upset as a way of trying to control the situation by throwing a tantrum. It feels good to write this stuff out, perhaps I should have done this sooner since I’ve had the opportunity, and perhaps this is even partly where the experience of feeling like another does not care is coming from.

 

I feel like I should stop trying to engage her. I feel like when I try to talk to her, she is not interested, she doesn’t even notice. I feel like when I try to share things with her, she doesn’t care and doesn’t even notice. I feel like when I try to touch her, she does not care and doesn’t even notice. That’s about it. I feel like, what is the point of always trying to engage this person when they have no interest in anything about me? I feel like she is more interested in my image than the actual me, like she takes more photos of me than times she actually talks to me, like she is just with me so she can post photos of her relationship on facebook. I feel like when she touches me, I am treated like more of a toy, and object, than a real being.

 

Perhaps I am just disappointed because I want a nice, energetic experience that another cares about me. Perhaps I am just disappointed that I allow myself to try to ‘make something happen’ with a person just because she fits a nice image and profile that I like, but doesn’t actually make practical sense to do so and thus I get frustrated with myself that I just won’t accept the truth.

 

I then ask, but what is the point of relationships if it is just about a practical agreement, if there is no feeling, love and intimacy as I have defined them in the past. I mean if this is the starting point, then I really just need to make an agreement with myself. The ability to do so with another is not something that I ever expect to happen. And then there are circumstances that bind me to others where an agreement is impossible and I only can make an agreement with myself. What this all comes down to, whether amongst others or alone, I am making an agreement with myself. I keep telling myself, ‘well I can just do it within a relationship, I don’t have to change my agreement with another/change the circumstances I’m in – but then I wonder – what the hell is the point of being here? Perhaps there is value in not reacting to the other, in maintaining the agreement with myself no matter what is going on with another – but then I fear I will lose the relationship ‘things will turn bad’ because the person is also not getting what they want. This is what scares me – staying in the relationship and changing myself, disengaging from the survival systems I have always used and having to use practical tools – writing, self investigation, breathing – because here I am delving into the unknown.

 

I want to be able to ‘just express myself with this person’ in terms of how I have always operated, but then it feels like it always falls on deaf ears, and when it is not reciprocated, or when I can’t do it, I just feel shitty, I go into withdrawal and have all these thoughts.

 

Cerise wrote today about how Bernard always seemed like he didn’t care, and this is what I fear being perceived as, because there is so much that I am not interested in and just wouldn’t really participate in, and would have to ‘step back from’. So, perhaps this is what I fear of others because this is how I perceive things. Still, I don’t think it is unreasonable to strive to develop communication and intimacy, but perhaps this is what it will take – to first disengage, to delve into the unknown, to take on, deal with and face points as they come up in the moment, here as breath, in self honestly as I go along. To let go of the old so that I may live anew.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for validation within the experience of having a relationship with another, through what I have defined as love and caring

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear disengaging from that which I have always used to participate in relationships as the looking for stimulation and validation, using thoughts, emotions and feelings as the fear of loss as that which is driving me to engage another

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear changing within a relationship because I am no longer dependent on old systems/ways of communicating/participating, and energy, and am rather taking on a new challenge where I walk the path unknown and re-define all aspects of my participation in self honest common sense

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined love and caring as ‘we must interact and communicate’ – not realizing that sometimes it is necessary to step back from that which is not real to even give myself the opportunity to live for real

 

I commit myself to stop allowing the fear of loss and the desire for energy to drive me as the tendency to engage and interact with others and influence how I engage and interact with others

 

I commit myself to allow myself to remain here as breath – not matter what occurs in my external reality – as the self trust to disengage from utilizing systems that are based in fear of loss – and to simply exist self honestly, where I no longer embellish or try to manipulate events in a way that are favorable to an outcome that I have designed in my mind where I have envisioned an ideal of perfection, as I see, realize and understand that all forms of perfection – both individual and in relationship agreements – must be based in self honesty and not fear of loss – and thus I do not accept and allow myself to compromise myself and that which is best for myself/all life by giving into such desires to participate in old systems that are design in fear of loss, as they occur as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

 

I commit myself to give myself back to myself and within this, to stop acting out of spite and blame, as I see, realize and understand that by giving myself back to myself by not compromising myself/principles that are best for all life, I will not longer exist in spite, blame and resentment as I have supported myself and given up old systems sufficiently to direct myself and my reality for real, here, self honestly as breath