Tag Archives: perseverance

Day 294: No said it was ever going to be perfect

No one ever said life would be easy.
But they did say,
IT WOULD BE WORTH IT.

The title of this blog is a statement I am going to need to learn to accept. While the ultimate goal is always perfection as the purest living expression of ourselves, it will never be possible to travel down that road of continuous improvement if I do not begin to face the current reality of things, which is far from perfect. The question is: who am I within such situations? If I am reactive, I will copy that which I see as I am easily influenced, and I will use the examples set before me as excuses and justifications to allow myself to be weak and be tempted by illusory desires that have been fed to me by my society to make me weak.

 

How can I provide for those who I care about if I allow myself to react and be influenced by the failings of others? How am I to stand and be dependable and trustworthy, with integrity, to always ensure that what I accept and allow is what will create a world that is best for all life, if I cannot even stop my fear of what others have become and the dangers they may pose to themselves and life in general? How am I going to face my day if my reactive nature has me subconsciously anticipating the next unfortunate/negative event that may be waiting for me that may be out of my control to stop, will I just allow myself to be defined by some negative experiences or events, just because I am able to find reasons to blame other people and things for such events?

 

No. Of course not. That is what equality would imply – I am required to become a humble servant to life within the understanding that I am life and as such, the harmed state that life is currently in is my cause and responsibility to correct. This is my only reason to have virtue or ambition.

 

This blog post seems to be shaping up into a point of dealing with discouragement, deterrence and the overall point of giving up on myself and this world – an old habit of mine that seems to be dying hard. I suppose everyone does this to some degree or another – we use the bad things that happened to us in our lives, at times where we did not consider or understand why these things happened – and we use them by taking things personally and adopting these experiences as reasons why we don’t live life fully – we are trapped in memories of harm and helplessness. Sometimes we create beliefs through the explanations that we use to explain these events, and from these beliefs we also get ideas about what we want and what the solution is – this is also a form of deterrent because it keeps us from letting go of a point that is likely holding us back because we have accepted this as ‘the way’ and thus fear that ‘there can be no other way’ – especially when we have committed so extensively to the old way.

 

But there is a new way – to live without fear as breath. “keep your eyes on the prize” is what someone said to me today, in the context that: “keep your chin up, because even if things don’t go as planned you will get to where you are going, as long as your head is facing straight forward to see the way”.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become deterred from engaging in my process and living my life to the fullest in every moment, because I fear bad things happening along the journey and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use bad things happening in the past – and thus the fear of bad things happening in the future – as an excuse/justification to not push myself to express myself and live life to the fullest in every single moment

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate my process and my goals with/to be defined by particular things or people, and to then become discouraged when things do not go according to plan – conversely, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to set myself up for disappointment and failure by associating my process/goals with certain things/people and then once I have achieved/acquired such things or associated/interacted with/had certain experiences with certain people, and then becoming discouraged when I perceive myself to ‘lose’ such things/people/experiences – not realizing the limitation I am placing on myself by defining myself by only certain things that I know (knowledge = thoughts)

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create ideas/beliefs/associations/definitions of how things should be ideally and how I should experience myself ideally, and then become deterred/discouraged when things do not go this way – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and belief that process is going to be an easy, perfect or painless process – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowd myself to be deterred by pain or other negative experiences

 

I commit myself to ‘keep my eye on the prize’ in terms of not allowing certain events/experiences such as disappointment or other judgments, or the fear of these events happening to define who I am and my motivation and how I will live

 

I commit myself to not copy the failures and flaws that I see and to not judge them because if I judge them I will believe them, and if I believe them I will fear them, and if I fear them I will copy them

 

I commit myself to not define my process/goals by certain things/people/experiences so I am no longer defined/influenced by the perception of loss or potential fear of loss but rather am able to always consider alternatives and other possible outcomes, through letting go of fear and the subsequent desire/belief of how things should be

 

I commit myself to never be influenced/defined by painful or negative experiences

 

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Day 293: Letting go of past vices and the tools for a new life

 

One thing that I am well aware of which makes writing more difficult, is the things I do to escape reality – the habits and patterns I have developed which give me the experience of ‘taking a break’ from the difficulties I experience in life. The more I give into these vices, the more my resistance to writing – a real solution – grows. This is the essential problem that we as a species are facing: we are so addicted to our vices and the things we use to cope with our mistakes and deficiencies that we will not even consider a real solution.

 

What is different in my case is that I have been given tools to find my way out of the mess that I got myself in, also known as my mind, as the accumulation of memories/experiences I’ve had and how they define me. What I see when I look back is that I developed all these coping mechanisms during a time in my life where I had no other answers, no other tools, and no sign of help or assistance ever coming. From this a kind of experience of hopelessness emerged, and this is where I sort of said “fuck this, I’m going to just do my own thing that pleases me”, and so the vice was born, the escape artist was born. The more that I (we) move down this path of escapism as the solution, the more trapped we become in it, and it is really no way to live, it is self perpetuating weakness, it is a life of fear, anxiety and lack of self trust because we are deeply aware of what we are doing, that we have forgotten from where we came and ignore the path that we are headed towards. Who wants to live that kind of life?

 

And yet I see how I have come to believe that living this way is the only way. It is difficult to even fathom a life without my vices, like wow, it seems like it is beyond comprehension. I mean, talk about brainwashed, talk about controlled, talk about enslaved. But what I had forgotten is that this view stems from this overall mentality of escapism as the solution, and that this was formed during the period in my life when I had no solutions. Now the escapism doesn’t work anymore (or I’ve just realized it), but it is different this time: I have the tools. I have the answers, because I created the problem. I am the problem, because it is me who accepted the belief of what I apparently want as vices that I use to escape. I do not need to fear anymore to disengage from these escapes, because I have the tool – it is time to persist in giving myself the self support that I require, that I always wished for but never got because I never before realized that I am my own creator.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the act of giving up and all of the vices that I use to escape reality were formed at a time when I felt I had no other solutions/alternatives, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I no longer require to put my faith and trust in these vices, I no longer have to put faith in them as I have the solution here as me as self honesty and self forgiveness and thus it is only a matter of remaining here as breath and not giving into the desires of the mind to escape, so that I may give myself the breathing room to walk a new path of living and self discovery wherein I am the directive principle

 

I commit myself to embrace the tools I have been given as gifts with which to set myself free from the limitations of the mind and to commit myself to use these tools on a daily basis so that I may stop escaping my reality within the belief that life is my enemy, and I may embrace all that I encounter in my journey as I have the tools to live and express myself as one and equal in all that I may encounter and experience