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Day 313: Male ego desires and control in a relationship

Here is the description of the ultimate female partner from the perspective of the male ego:

My ideal woman. My ideal woman should be sexy and beautiful, young and cute. She should be very innocent but a devil when I want her to be. Meaning she should be well behaved and never have a single impure thought, super innocent, but when I want her to basically be my own personal slut, she should be that. She should be completely loyal and love me to an obsessive degree, catering to my every whim. Of course she should never be disloyal and or change from this, so I don’t want any unpredictable behavior, and so of course I don’t want her doing drugs or hanging out with the wrong crowd who could influence her in any other way that may have her deviate from being the person that I want her to be. She should always be pleasant and never have a problem, and if there ever was one, she should tell me and deal with it in an absolute perfect way. I don’t want to have any tough confrontations, because that is too scary, I might feel like I could lose here!

It’s all about control. It is all about self interest and of course it is never about what is best for all. Self serving and self preservation is all that matters in the eyes of the mind/ego. How do I know this? Well, I am human, and I am a male. I am not saying that all males are like this, but many secretly are like this, and really just try and get as much out of this as they possibly can. The same way we as individuals try to get ‘the best out of life that we can for ourselves’ – why would our relationships be any different? What is that feeling when you get a great deal at the shopping mall all about? “yes, I won! I got a great deal, it was a bargain” – but did you ever stop and ask yourself – who had to lose? If it is a great deal for me, if it wasn’t a total fair and equal exchange, then who lost out while I benefitted? It is a simple arithmetic.

Much self forgiveness is required, point by point – here I will start with ‘the ideal woman’ that every man wants.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to have a woman that only suits my self interest and beliefs about what will please me and make me happy, because I fear to face myself and be alone with myself and thus want someone to constantly stimulate me into some kind of a positive experience and never break the flow of energy of positive feelings so that I can stay drugged forever with positive feelings and never actually have to face reality, learn, grow and become a better being for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to ‘have it both ways’ with a woman where I want her to be pure and innocent with all others but then be willing to do any deviant or nefarious act so long as it is within the context of what I believe I want and what makes me happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have a woman obsess over me and cater to my every whim and believe I am/treat me like I am a God, and if I so happen to treat a woman like a Goddess within this context, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to only do so because this is what I want in return, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give up the act and let her see me as a regular person/equal within the self trust that I will stand for life and support her in all ways to see, realize and understand the value that she and I as life both have and share

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to obsess over loyalty and obedience and a partner being the things I believe I want her to be, only because it stimulates/feeds my mind/ego with the energy it needs to be able to exist, and within this, that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify such controls as being in her best interest by associating it with her being a ‘good’ and ‘loyal’ and ‘trustworthy’ person who ‘never does anything bad’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire for my partner to never do any drugs or anything devious or be influenced by others, but from a starting point of wanting to control her because I fear that she may not be the loyal servant that I want who will give me everything I want

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I want, need and desire a woman who fits all of my criteria that is easy to control and is perfect and never has problems and is always pleasant and never confronts me or gives me difficult challenges – as I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my positive energy experience and believing that a relationship with a woman must be a positive energy experience, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to be challenged is actually quite cool because it gives me an opportunity to look at myself and become a better person who is able to be more effective and directive in caring for life

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship and always take points of challenge/conflict/emotional reaction back to myself so that I may correct and improve myself and thus have a more enjoyable experience of myself and relationships that is actually real and not energy/illusion based

I commit myself to let go of any criteria/ideals that I have created about my girlfriend needing to be perfect, sweet, innocent, pleasant, harmless, obedient and never making mistakes – I commit myself to stand as the being that I would like to see others stand as and no longer blame others for their shortcomings but rather trust myself in self honesty to stand as the example, no matter how difficult it seems and how intense the fear may be of how another is living and what they may do to me

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to control my girlfriend because I fear that she may harm me, and even justify this fear/desire to control as it being ‘good for her life too’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this desire to control is just the ego fearing unpredictability so that I do not have to stand for/as life with integrity – thus I do not participate in this desire to control my partner as it arises within my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself wanting to escape/give up on the relationship because I see that my partner is having problems/is not perfect/is doing things that may have negative/unpredictable consequences in the future – I stop, I breathe, I see how I am deceptively trying to escape the situation using the ‘what if’ fear and that I am only doing this and focusing on another not being perfect because I myself do not want to give up the fear of what others may do to me and rather stand unconditionally as the example as what is best for all life – and thus I do not participate in this desire to give up and remain here as the living example, by not giving into this desire/justification/deception, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions would have me do

When and as I see myself wanting desiring to treat my partner like a Goddess – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is only ‘giving to get’ and that I fear if I do not do this, she will not think I am special too and treat me like a God and might leave and thus I could lose my energetic experience with this person – and thus I allow myself to remain here as breath, treating my partner as an equal through showing her who I really am, with the self trust that by showing her who I really am in self honesty as life, that the value of life may be realized as this gives the only chance that we could ever share real life as equals and one – thus I do not participate in this deceptive desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship, and to embrace another with all their flaws and fuck-ups, through embracing and facing myself and all my fuck ups with self honesty and self corrective application, so that no matter what another does/is living, I remain here, trustworthy with/as life

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