Tag Archives: partner

Day 332: Self projection – reacting towards others

 

During the last 10 months I have been in a relationship, and for most of that time, it has been a long distance relationship. If anyone has done this, or even if not, I’m sure you can imagine how challenging it is. Complete trust is already a very difficult thing for most people to establish their relationships, so doing it when you actually have no idea what the other person is doing makes it extra challenging. Although I do know enough to know that a relationship should not be about controlling another – that I should rather first focus on myself in establishing self trust, as that is the real point of importance – this knowledge has not always made the experience easier. There have still been plenty of fears and reactions on my part – this knowledge of the importance of focusing on myself first, and that my fears as my thoughts/reactions about are not to be trusted, has mainly just stopped me from making major decisions based on my reactions, which I am grateful for. I am grateful that I did not allow myself to make a rash decision to end the relationship out of a fear or emotional reaction.

 

Now, being back with my partner for a couple months, I can see just how much of my reactions were simply not real, they were just me reacting. It is fascinating how our reactions to others, how we see them, what we believe of them, what we think is going on with them, has absolutely nothing to do with them, it is just ourselves projecting our shit onto them. It seems that this has just become so habitual that we tend to not see it, we live in a total culture of blame, where our desire to control our reality and others is so engrained, where we have given this desire so much power, belief and validity, that it becomes automatic to see and judge others in our reality in a certain way, so that we can justify what we believe they apparently must be or do.

 

Look at how often there is someone or something in our lives that we become obsessed with that is apparently ‘the enemy’, that is apparently ‘wrong’, that apparently must change – this is a very clever deception of the mind because, sure, we know the world and other people are not perfect, so there is a good likelihood that there are problems that exist ‘out there’ outside of ourselves – but to place focus ‘out there’ outside of ourselves and become obsessive is actually the trap that ensnares us to ensure that we never have any effect in changing anything in our reality. I noticed this pattern for myself in my life, that there is always something to be obsessed with that is apparently ‘the problem in my life’, whether it is a person, thing, circumstance – whatever.

 

So this experience has taught me to not judge or assume that I know what is going on with another, and generally speaking, to not even put the focus/emphasis on another so much, but to rather realize that if I am reacting to another, then that another is just serving as a mirror to show me that it is in fact just me reacting, and that I must investigate myself and why I am reacting, that I must investigate the very point of why I am focusing on another so much in the very first place, when it is myself that requires the most attention from myself. We can only change ourselves and it is through the example we live through completely and unconditionally focusing on being honest with ourselves, forgiving ourselves and correcting ourselves, that we can make a difference in the lives of others.

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Day 321: Desiring intimacy within a relationship

Here I am looking at the point of how I have defined the word ‘intimacy’ as something outside of myself, separate from myself. When I look at the word intimacy, I can see how I have defined this within having a relationship – preferably with my ‘ideal’ relationship partner, which is another point I have written about extensively in previous blog posts. So, I have defined intimacy as something that exists within a relationship, separating myself from intimacy and placing it within a relationship, so that apparently the experience of intimacy is only possible within a relationship. Within the relationship, intimacy is further defined as a lot of touching, hugging, kissing, sex, and ‘deep’ conversations, which is another way of saying conversations that are emotionally charged, usually with the energy of fear.

A long time ago I read a really insightful article on what intimacy really is, with regards to self intimacy – you can check out the article here: http://desteni.org/a/winged-exploring-self-intimacy – this article really opened my eyes to the fact that I have neglected myself, I have avoided self reflection and really facing who I am and what I’ve become, extensively, while in pursuit of love, relationships, and all kinds of ‘higher’ energetic experiences – living a life where I am always looking for the next high because within myself I am ’empty’ in a kind of way, because by not being intimate with myself, I had abandoned myself, and thus was this insatiable appetite for energetic highs through experiences was created, which I then searched out in romantic relationships.

Thus now it is time do bring myself back to myself, to again become intimate with myself in self honesty, facing who I am and what I have become as a living principle of doing what is best for all life, as from this starting point, I can direct myself in a way that is effective in taking all life into consideration, so that my life is not wasted in a bubble of exclusion, but is rather based on the intimate understanding that all life is one and equal, and thus who I am and how I live should be oriented as such.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself with relationships – focusing on my relationship and my partner so that I am not self directive and focused on myself, and giving my attention and concern to my partner and the survival of the relationship, rather than to first be intimate with myself and focus on myself and that what I am living and who I am is that which is best for all life. Thus I commit myself to bring myself back here through breathing, and to focus myself on myself by utilizing tools like breathing, writing, self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective application – when and as I see myself being prompted to participate in my tendency to look to others/my partner as a way of essentially taking attention away from myself and distracting myself from my only real ‘power’ as an ability to have any real effect in my living and changing this world to a place that is best for all, I stop, and I breathe, and I do not participate in such desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, and rather breathe through the fear that drives me to focus on my partner that is justified as the fear of losing the relationship

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as something that exists separate from myself, that can only be achieved and experienced through romantic relationships with a beautiful woman, and that I have further defined intimacy within a relationship as touching, kissing, hugging and sex – not seeing and realizing that intimacy is here – it starts with me, alone with myself, being intimate with myself in getting to know myself and standing as life within/principles that consider and are best for all life – thus I commit myself to redefine and live the word ‘intimacy’ as starting with myself, being honest with myself, directing myself, and living a life that takes my self as life/all life into consideration as equal and one, and thus I commit myself to stop the desire to experience intimacy as something separate from myself as sex and sexual touching within a relationship and rather insist that intimacy be expressed from a starting point of self honesty: as self intimacy, equal and one to/as life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as having ‘deep conversations’ with my partner that are emotionally charged, and that I have allowed myself to yearn for this experience/try and create it where I have not first been intimate and honest with myself – thus I commit myself to stop trying to ‘create an experience of intimacy in my relationship as having deep conversations with my partner as a form of trying to control the relationship from a starting point of trying to maintain the survival of the relationship, and rather I begin with self intimacy as self honesty, as the point from which all other self expression as intimacy may emerge, without the fear of losing control of my relationship as the attempt of the mind to try and continue to maintain control by keeping the definition of intimacy as something separate from self within/as a relationship – when/as I see this desire to have an experience of intimacy as deep conversation arise within me, I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is the mind trying to control me through maintaining intimacy as something defined separate from self within a relationship, as the mind is extremely tricky in presenting projections of intimacy that appear real and fulfilling – and thus I remain here as breath and do not participate when such desires arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as creating some kind of experience with my partner wherein we feel like there is a ‘connection’ between us because we have stimulated each other sufficiently into feeling good through having positive thoughts about ourselves, the other and the relationship as such experiences are in alignment with a symbolism of intimacy and love that has been imprinted in my mind through my mind and society – thus I commit myself to no longer define intimacy as purely creating positive experiences with others such as sex or other things that stimulate happy thoughts/feelings, as this can be tricky as it is only giving the mind energy and an experience of happiness but is not necessarily real, as countless relationship experiences have shown me that started out positive this way but ended up negative because once the energy ran out and we were no longer able to stimulate each other through separation (as we had come to know each other better and begin to see that in fact we are not so different and that real ‘love’ is not so elusive and thus exciting) then all of a sudden intimacy and love ceased to exist – thus when and as I see myself desiring to create a positive experience with my partner in some way where we can connect and be stimulated together sufficiently – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this desire only exists in the pursuit of keeping a relationship alive that is based in separation – and thus I do not participate in this desire of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather commit myself to remain here as breath and act in self honesty as breath in the physical, without fear of loss as the desire for a relationship directing me

Day 314: Correcting addiction, desire and dependency within relationships

 

There are two points that I highlighted in my life as points to write about, that appear to be very much connected. One is my reaction to my girlfriend joking about breaking up with me, and the second is the fact that I reacted (within myself, not so overtly) to a relative talking about Thai-westerner relationships being based in money, being scandalous – the whole point of people using each other.

 

I can’t deny that desires exist within me that play out in my relationships, especially my relationship with my partner, the sexual and close-bond relationship. I can see how we as human beings use the closeness of relationships – being preoccupied with each other, focusing our attention on each other constantly – and love, as a way of not having to face ourselves, to not actually grow within relationships but rather stagnate and diminish. Fascinating that stagnation is actually diminishment.

 

I can’t deny that I don’t do this, because I am very attracted to my partner in many ways. It is as though through separating myself from myself, by not wanting to face myself and what I have become, I look for that closeness in others, I focus on the likeable and positive qualities of another to get this experience of satisfaction when I know everything is not ok, both within myself and within this world. Here I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but simply refer to the fact that we as human beings live in constant fear and that’s what our thoughts, feelings and emotions are all about – this constant state of fear and desire (fear always breeds desire) that we live in.

 

In fact I am really attracted to my partner, to the point where it is noticeably difficult to focus on what is important in life. Not in ‘my life’ – in life.

 

So the other point of reacting to a joke of losing her is just an outflow of this point – not wanting to lose my distraction, my escape, my drug that keeps me blind from reality. This is not to say that it is wrong to be with her in some way – actually, it is quite cool and opportunistic to be able to face myself in a relationship – it is that the whole notion of ‘losing her’ is not real because I don’t ‘have her’ in the first place – that is projection of the illusion I am living in where in fact, the ‘idea of a relationship’ has me. The entire experience of escaping reality through positive feelings (or sometimes negative, you can’t have the first without the second) is the ‘relationship’ that has got control over me, the idea/experience that has got control over me – an idea, a figment of the imagination that is not even real, is controlling my entire perception and way that I live! I have written on this point recently about how relationships in themselves are actually just a belief system, a religion – they’re not even real but just a figment of the imagination. We are always alone with ourselves in fact – yet we are all one, here together in our aloneness.

 

And it is this reality that I would like to start living in, the only reality that there is – the physical reality where we are simply here together. The problem is that, as my second reaction showed, I fear giving up the illusion, simply saying ‘no’ to the temptation to focus on another and get distracted and moving on to the next point that requires my attention in actual fact. It sometimes seems so difficult to break away from this habit because I tell myself that my girlfriend is so attractive and that there are so many nice things about her, but I know that within this positively charged viewpoint, I am only seeing what I want to see and not seeing her/life for what it really is in its entirety. Sometimes when a habit is so engrained, it seems impossible to go about life another way. But I have already proven to myself that it is possible. Quitting ‘cold turkey’ is challenging because this tendency/habit/pattern of focusing on my partner is really engrained t the point of being automated. It will be important to be strict and yet patient with myself.

 

I forgive myself tat I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my relationships as a way of escaping my reality and truth of myself, and not having to actually face myself and take self responsibility, through focusing on both the positives or negatives of another person that I’ve actually convinced myself are real, and used their behavior as evidence of this, when in fact what all humans including myself are currently living is not real, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my dual nature of the mind as characters of good and evil onto other people and not having to then face myself and correct my own inner demons that present themselves as characters of good and evil, by judging the same points in other people, playing deceptive games with myself where I am constantly judging and essentially saying ‘look at that person, they are so good!’ or ‘look at that person, they are so bad!’ which is essentially just the same bullshit game – fearing that which I am and diverting myself from the truth of me by focusing on the apparent good and bad of others

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define good and bad as pictures and associate these pictures with the ones I like/agree with/am similar to as the good, and the ones I don’t like/agree with/am not similar too as the bad, within this not realizing that these are just characters projections that I have created through association/belief while in fact, all are equal as life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define/judge my girlfriend as both good and bad characters, and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to thus be attracted to the good characters and repelled by the bad characters, not seeing and realizing that I am playing games with myself that limit me from ever seeing life direct, as equal and one, by not stopping these projections and rather recognize life firstly within myself and thus in others as well

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of this energetic relationship I have towards others and my partner, and thus to fear ‘losing the relationship’ or to desire to be ‘more close within the relationship’ for that matter, not realizing that there I am trying to experience myself within these projections of good and bad characters, when the only real interaction and communication that can exist would be through standing here unconditionally as equals and not accepting anything else as mental projections of each other that we only see in our minds perception of the physical

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to touch and have physical sensation/experience of the good character that I have defined my partner/others as, while I have wanted to avoid and escape the bad characters that I have defined or may define others – including my partner – as

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my partner as beautiful and special and treat her as such, as something desire to be experienced and close to, not realizing that this definition is only created within the context of wanting to escape reality/the truth of myself and not actually see life/myself for what it really is and that real closeness/experience of another can only exist when you see another for real/as yourself and without illusions of perception

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the pattern of being distracted/preoccupied by my partner as if I will ‘miss out on something’ and constantly wanting to experience her in some positive way and be distracted by such experiences – and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it will be impossible or difficult to break this habit as I have been doing it for so long

 

When and as I see myself playing games with myself where I am judging others/my partner as good or bad – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that I am playing games with myself and fucking with myself by projecting my inner self onto others and through this, creating beliefs about others that are not in fact true, so that I can be deluded and not have to face myself, as the mind is tricky in this way and will use ‘evidence’ that I see in others, which is in fact my own projections of myself, to fool me into believing that what I see and believe and experience on a mental level is real – thus I do not participate in such thoughts/judgments about others as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to identify the moments in which I judge another/react to how I have already defined another as either good or bad, or in the case of a partner in a relationship, as attractive/desirable or undesirable, and to not act on such desires, but rather stop and breathe when I see myself possessed by sch desires in the moment, to remain here as breath as I see, realize and understand that such actions only further engrain these beliefs/projections/desires and thus I will be strict in not participating in these desires as energy, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, within this, prove to myself that I can in fact live real love through standing as equal and one myself and others

 

I commit myself to stop justifying my addictions to my partner of focusing on my partner and looking for positive energetic experiences with my partner with the idea that ‘it is ok because we are in a relationship’ as I see, realize and understand that I am justifying and normalizing addictive behavior that in fact destroys relationships as it drives me to lose control by placing my addiction for positive energy experiences above all life

 

When and as I see myself judging my partner as beautiful and desirable or undesirable/someone I must avoid – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that the judgments of beautiful and desirable are based on programming/past memories of what I believe will apparently satisfy me and make me happy and bring me a positive energy experience with which I can escape myself/not face myself, and that the judgments of undesirable/to be avoided are based on observing behaviors which I only fear because they reflect to me the nature of me, or additionally the fear that I cannot change/direct such a nature within me and thus cannot direct it in another, and thus this too is another way of not having to face myself and stand unconditionally in support of myself and others/my partner as life – thus I do not participate in either of these judgments nor do I act on them, when I see them arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 311: Re-defining ignorance, part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to utilize ignorance as a way of escaping my reality and fulfilling self interest within the notion that ‘ignorance is bliss’, wherein if I just ignore my reality and remain uneducated while preoccupying myself with entertainment and useless distractions, I believe that my life and experience of myself will somehow be better, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give ignorance a positive charge

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use ignoring people as a weapon within an energetic experience of spitefulness wherein I use ignoring someone as a way of saying ‘fuck’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stop and realize that I am in fact reacting towards another and that this is only out of fear of what another can do to me which is in fact just the fear of myself as how I exist within my own thoughts about others – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that is in fact impossible from a certain perspective as I require to interact with others in order to exist and co-exist and that ignoring others is not the answer as that which is bothering me which I fear is not others in fact by my own thoughts, feelings and emotions and thus it is pointless to ignore others when in fact I am the creator of my experience and it is my thoughts which disturb me – not others – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore others within/as a point of blame and as a way of not having to face myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and ignore my own thoughts by focusing on others and then trying to ignore others – not seeing and realizing that the only thing that is necessary to ignore is the desire to give into my own reactions/thoughts and that this is the only way that ignoring can ever be valid: ignoring the desire to ignore others and react/give into my thoughts/feelings/emotions as this is useless and not self directive

I commit myself to take self responsibility for my own thought and to not ignore them and remain ignorant to the truth of myself as my own reactions as thoughts/feelings/emotions – and within this, I commit myself to stop the tendency to ignore others as a way of believing my inner reactions to be real and believing that others are the problem, and thus the tendency to want to ignore others as a way of being spiteful/saying ‘fuck you’

when and as I see myself wanting/desiring to ignore others/my reality – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that what I am reacting to is in fact my own fears as my thoughts/feelings emotions that may only present themselves as being about others when they are in fact about me and how I am existing and that the only solution here is to direct my attention to my own reactions and forgive/correct them, by investigating what was the reaction, what was it’s nature and what is it showing me about me, which holds the key to correcting such a point and no longer fearing others/creating the desire to ignore others – thus I take self responsibility for who I am and do not give into the desire to ignore others within blame, as this desire arises as my thoughts/feelings/emotions

I commit myself to remain here and face my thoughts and stop all tendencies to ignore my thoughts and my inner and outer reality – I remain here within the understanding that I am the directive principle/creator of how I experience myself and thus I am able to direct myself as I would like accordingly always as long as I remain here, aware, facing myself and all that is here without fear of myself, projected as the fear of others

Day 300: Attraction

https://analphamalesjourneytolife.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/0f65a-22.jpg

 

Throughout my process I have been shown the importance of words and being specific with words. A long time ago I was introduced to etymology, and then the art of playing with words. This proved to be both fun and interesting, where you find things like the word ‘LIE’ right in the middle of the word ‘belief’, or that the word ‘good’ is just an extra ‘o’ away from ‘god’ while ‘devil’ is just the adding of the letter ‘d’ to ‘evil’. From this experience I became more accustomed to focusing on the ‘bigger terms’, like the ones that are more obvious or prevalent, and therefore maybe more ‘fun’ to look at and play with. What I haven’t done as much is incorporate this act of playing with words into my process as a practical tool within my process. There are many, many words that are part of my daily vocabulary which keep coming up, that I simply don’t look at.

 

Today the point of attraction came up in discussion with regards to my process. Or rather, the word attraction came up. What is attraction – when is it real? This is what I asked because the fact is that I experience attraction, but I really don’t know how it works. How can I allow myself to not even understand something that influences and controls my behavior on a daily basis?

 

Attraction

At traction

at ration

irration

at action

attack tion

attack I on

 

In a discussion today I was given some direction on this point in understanding that attraction (here I’m talking more specifically with regards to relationship/romantic attraction) is based on one’s pre-programmed design – based on this design they will like certain stuff or not like certain stuff, and they will be either attracted or repelled, accordingly. This is where ‘at traction’ comes in – I am on the right track, on the train tracks of my pre-programmed life design of what I like and don’t like, with good traction, like I’m stuck on the tractor beam pulling me along the journey of my preprogrammed fate.

 

Now this is a point I find extremely difficult to question, because it is like I don’t even know why I like the things I like, I don’t even know why I am attracted to certain things. Even more, I felt like I had already dealt with this point of letting go of the stuff I am attracted to, of giving up the stuff I believe I like – and yet here I still am living it. This is indicates the importance of being thorough in one’s process and not getting any ideas about what has to be dealt with and how to accomplish it. This is a process that can only be done in real time – as points come up, I deal with them practically. This has also been a challenge as I have found that the ingrained tendency to want to give up on myself/life is what drives me to do what I mentioned – sort of take on a point, try o get it done, get an idea about it that I am getting it done, and then it is like ‘ok, I have transcended the point now, I’m ready to change – this has been dealt with’. This can be especially so when certain points are related to others points, like in this case, the point of women and attraction – they are not necessarily one and the same, even though they may under the same umbrella of ‘relationships’ – several points may end up revealing themselves within this overall point, and each one has to be dealt with in specificity – and I have the time to do it.

 

So it is time for me to investigate this point on my own, in real time – to look at what I am experiencing with regards to attraction, currently in my life – what I am attracted to and all the points/reasons why/experiences of it. This is going to be interesting.

Day 289: Love is as a dependency and the need for attention

In the last post, I mentioned the point of a need/desire to have a sense/experience of having power and control in a relationship, from either a dominant or submissive position in the relationship as both positions carry their respective bargaining strengths in the negotiating process that relationships have become – a business in a tug-of-war for profit (power).

So from this point I wanted to write about the point of how we get this experience of having control/power through getting attention from others, which we call ‘love’. No matter what it is that we are seeking from others, in order to first get it, we need attention. Sometimes, what exactly we need becomes secondary and just the overall need for attention – as the underlying premise/knowingness that the other is here to submit to you and serve you – will suffice.

I noticed that this way in which we create an importance on getting attention, we then associate the experience of getting attention with ‘love’. You see it everywhere in relationships. You have liked experienced this to some degree or another yourself – where, in an experience where you wanted/believed you needed attention from another person, and did not get it, you suddenly went into an experience of feeling bad or sad or hopeless or like you are not important or ‘unloved’. I mean one could even be something as simple as the last time you sent and instant message to someone and they did not reply – and you took it personally. I have had this experience for as long as I have had relationships and as long as this is the way we are defining ‘love’ and believing that we need this experience of ‘love’, our relationships will always fall because they are always based in dependency and fear of loss. I mean it has been the same pattern in all my relationships – this need for ‘love’ as attention, which just increases and increases, like a drug addiction where you need a bigger dose every time, and then, before you even know it happened, the whole thing has just become complete dependency and control. It all just begins with not being intimate and honest with ourselves and embracing the beings that we are, and then from this, believing that we need others to complete us. We become so possessed by this belief (which is a self-defeating self-belief) that other people sometimes just look so ‘special’ and ‘great’, and we put them on a pedestal and fear to lose them so extensively. What kind of love is that? Then, when the ‘attention love fix’ no longer works, partners goes their separate ways and disengage – suddenly that person who we feared to lose so much is just another normal person. Insanity.

I am not saying that paying attention is not real. When we are able to exist as self fulfilled individuals, without this desire/dependency, then our attention becomes a much more natural, seemingly spontaneous, relevant and supportive act, where it is practical and conducive to life. Because the for of love as attention that we are used to is so fake and so flawed that we tend to just quantify it: “well if this person gives me X amount of attention, then it means they love me X amount” – it is so fake that this is why people can be fake and cheat each other and give the appearance that they care when they are only in fact motivated deep down by their own self interest. It becomes especially hard to see when we ourselves have not cleared ourselves of this point through being completely honest with ourselves.

There are times where, due to this frustration with never being fulfilled in this never ending quest for more and more attention, and the massive problems that it creates, I have wanted to just say “fuck it, fuck all relationships, fuck all people” – and just isolate myself. What I recently realized is that the problem is not with others – although they may share the same destructive habit that I do – the problem is with ME and this belief and desire and the dependency and selfishness and greed that it creates. I don’t have to say ‘fuck others’ – that would suck – what I can say is “fuck this dependency, fuck this self belief, fuck this inferiority and insecurity that has enslaved and controlled me so extensively and made me into a loveless slave master of others” – that is really the point that we don’t need and can give up at any time – and it is amazing – all that we feared losing all along may even end up falling right into our lap – the only difference is that then, the real challenge emerges: creating and designing a real relationship that is not based in dependency and the need to have power and control over others in order to feel good about oneself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look towards others for my own happiness – not seeing, realizing or understanding that this desire stems from the way in which I have abandoned myself and not lived my life to the fullest, unconditionally, which has created this self belief as inferiority and the need for attention which I then experience and believe to be love – thus I commit myself to identify moments in which I am wanting/expecting attention and to see in these moments how I have defined/equated love according to the experience of getting attention – I stop these habits and patterns and tendencies as I see, realize and understand that getting attention from others in no way means love and thus I stop and disengage from all moments where the tendency arises to quantify love as getting attention, as this desire arises within the mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I remain here as breath and no longer accept and allow myself to be controlled by this desire.

Day 283: Exploring Sexuality

A point that I have not investigated much throughout my process is the point of sexuality and sexual expression. This has been a daunting point to take on due to my history of being a typical male, or even ‘alpha male’ who is just concerned with finding beautiful women and experiencing sex as an energetic fix, an addiction, a dependency on another to be satisfied and enjoy myself. I have not embraced this point as much as I would like to. I have not allowed myself to practice as much as I would like to the act of exploring sexuality as a physical being, without being driven by energy, thoughts, mental imagery and imagination – this also applies to masturbation. What is challenging about this point along with all points in process is the very fact that it is a process, and that this kind of development takes time and patience. I mean, the first few times I’ve tried expressing myself sexually as a physical being – just breathing and being here, no mind – it has been difficult! It has not felt natural and of course when things aren’t easy we tend to want to give up. Here I see the importance of consistent effort and application, and without having any expectations. That is one problem with sex – the starting point is always wanting and desiring the energetic high experience of a climax, an orgasm, trying to ‘get somewhere’ rather than a self expression, a self discovery. That is the point of ‘getting back to the physical’ – is to move self to explore and discover self, not from a starting point of an idea of what self must be, but as an actual emergent expression. It is fascinating because if you look at effective forms of study in this world, like for instance effective science, that is basically what we do – we just discover what is already here – and that process of discovering what is here comes much more naturally and without friction if it is simply done in the moment as a physical act, without any mind ideas/expectations, beliefs.

So, now it is time to get sexy! And I see that I react a bit when I say a word like this because it is still invoking all kinds of connotations I adopted in the past about sexuality, as being from a starting point of lust and self interest. But sexy doesn’t need to mean that. Sex can actually be innocent, sex can be something that we don’t need to be ashamed of, sex can be something where we do not become envious or jealous because it is not done in self interest and spite, and within a whole socially-structured game of trying to win where it is all about getting what one wants. I mean sex in it’s truest form, ideally should be innocent, though I have not expressed or experienced this so much myself, I can see the point, because how can a point of who we really are be intrinsically bad? It is not, we just make it that way and then sex and sexuality becomes this taboo topic that everyone is supposed to not talk about openly and with simplicity and directness. How sad is it that we are missing out on real sexual expression just because of how we have shaped sexuality from a starting point of self interest, and then judged and demonized ourselves for doing so? And again, the same applies to masturbation.

Yesterday I had an experience where I looked at my hand and I started to notice it from a certain perspective, and all of a sudden I was fascinated. It looked so surreal, like it wasn’t me, like it was this alien, animalistic, designed meat-creature-thing. I had this experience as a young child and it was explained to me once that this is due to not in fact being one and equal to the body, but rather existing within and as the mind. So this experience shows the importance of getting back in touch with the body, reintegrating myself into and as the body, because I am separate from it, and if I am separate from it, I can not direct it – what would then be the point of even being here!? As a self support tool, I am able to utilize sexuality and sexual expression as a key in this process of reintegration, where sex is transformed from the energetic experience I always knew it to be, into one of self movement and self discovery – without any preconceived ideas or conditions. We tend to trust our ideas, beliefs and perceptions because we have abdicated ourselves so extensively for so long to knowledge as a higher power – and we tend to completely take for granted and miss that which is here which seems simplistic and mundane – when in reality, when we embrace that which we tend to take for granted, a whole new world opens up that we never before could have even conceived of.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to explore sexuality from a starting point of remaining here as a physical being, moving myself within and as breath, allowing myself to explore and discover myself unconditionally and without ideas/wants/beliefs/desires/expectations

I commit myself to explore sexuality here as breath as an unconditional self expression