Tag Archives: opportunity

Day 251: Walking a new path without thought

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So today, I had another desire to go back into a past pattern of thought. The pattern is not so much about the specific activity I am doing (which for privacy purposes, I will not be naming) – but rather, who I am within the experience as the thoughts that are coming up within me. It is like that with a lot of things. I am beginning to understand this as before, I would simply try to avoid/suppress the act, rather than dealing with the point of who I am within the act, meaning: how do I experience myself, what are the thoughts that come up during the act?

It would be like having a past patterns of being addicted to food, where the act of getting food and eating it brings up all kinds of thoughts as a mental experience that builds up energy, and then you’re mind fucked. Or playing on Facebook – Facebook can be cool, but turning it into a big mental experience by allowing all kinds of thoughts and for self to participate in such thoughts, is a different story, it would change one’s entire experience of being on facebook.

So rather than to avoid things because I fear to fall, I am stopping the fear and trusting myself to be honest with myself about who I am within the experience – to set boundaries with myself and be strict about what I will allow (or rather, not allow) within the mind.

Now this is not to be used as some kind of justification to lead self into past patterns – if it is found that I am unable to participate in an activity without the mind/thoughts completely taking over – then yes, I will step away for a while and work on things before I dare to venture back into the point.

Answers to our problems tend to be simple it is just the things we don’t want to look at, the things we don’t want to do, the things we fear to give up that is making life so difficult – but the answers are simplistic, and only self can be honest with self about whether or not self is in fact living the answer.

I forgive myself that I’ve tried to avoid certain activities because of past experiences of who I was in the activities and within this, not realizing how I am tacitly allowing myself to fear myself and rather not trust myself to actually apply myself for real in self honesty to change who I am within such activities, not allowing myself to give to myself the opportunity to change myself for real by changing who I am within this world and all that I participate in 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind to such an extent that I actually believe that I require the mind as thoughts to participate in certain activities, and fear to let go of the mind as thoughts.energy, not realizing that I am able to direct myself here as breath and create myself anew within/as breath through no longer allowing who I am and my self movement to be dictated by the mind as thoughts/energy

I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to change who I am in actual real time in physical reality by changing who I am within certain activities that have normally in the past been mental experiences, by stopping the actual thoughts/desires that come up when participating in activities – thus when and as I see thoughts pop up when participating in activities that had normally always been energy based for me – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I no longer require the mind/thoughts/energy to live, experience and enjoy myself as I have believed I require to in the past – and I walk as breath exploring physical activity without the mind intervening

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Day 220: Living in survival mode

Throughout all of my life it has been communicated to me in almost every form possible that life is all about survival, as opposed to actually living and expressing myself. However for this blog I’m looking at a particular period in my life that kind of finalized/engrained fully this mentality within me.

When I was about 22 years old, after numerous failed attempts at having successful jobs or academic pursuits, along with several failed relationships that has been central to my life, I was given an opportunity by a family member to work a job. Because the family member had assisted me, and I was comfortable, treated with some respect and paid a semi-decent wage, I really took well to the job and for the first time, found some peace in the workplace. It was the only anchor of stability in my life at this time, and this lasted maybe for about 8 months. Then the business was sold and I lost my job.

I was assisted by the family member who did provide me with cheap living accommodations, but given that the job was the only point of stability I had, my life took a real turn for the worse. I had no job, no money, no future prospects, I was addicted to drugs, and still had all kinds of messed up relationships in my life. Hell, the place I had moved to was a poor neighborhood so I even began to identify with this as being my reality. I have not taken into full consideration the impact that this experience had on me in terms of how I had come to accept that “well, this is it, you’re an adult now, welcome to life, it is going to be really shitty” – this was now how I based myself and projected my future, based on an idea of life where failure and hardship is the way it was going to be. That resources were always scarce, so I should obsess over money. That life was shit, so I should just escape and do lots of drugs. That every relationship I had ever known was fucked therefore ‘fuck-relationships!’ That I had no skills or education therefore I am useless and have no opportunities. That I could never expect that anyone would ever come and assist and support me because if that was the way the world worked, I wouldn’t have been in the mess I was in.

Basically, I got a tiny glimpse at what most people in this world are currently enduring at this very moment you read this. It was fortunate in that it was a real experience that allowed forced me to consider others and reality more, and completely destroyed any disillusions of positivity that I could spin on my reality. However, again, the problem is that I have not up until this point faced the full impact that this experience had on me, and is still currently having on me today.

The fact is that while I may have been ‘hard done by’ as I may want to believe I have – so too did I do harm to others in my life and so too did I not stand up for myself/life when harm was being done. I accepted it. I copied it. I internalized it. I became it.

What I am now currently busy with is stopping the tendencies/habits/patterns that I had developed from y life experience – to isolate myself, to want to run away, to want to delude myself with happy feelings or drugs, to hate everything and everyone, to blame everything and everyone, to feel like I have no value, to feel like I’m worthless, to feel like I’m inferior to everyone, to feel that I must fear others, to fear that I must be spiteful towards others, to think that everyone is against me and everyone is my enemy.

I will be continuing with self forgiveness statements in the next blog.

Day 159: A unique opportunity

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I’ve talked about survival and the fear of survival that exists in human beings for a long time now, but it is only in the last while that I am seeing it more clearly and how it works/has come to be created, as I am seeing more and it exist within and as myself. I have allowed myself, mu very existence to be dictated and controlled by the fear of survival, and within that, MONEY. I have begun to see how this affects so many aspects of my life – the reluctance to share and give, for fear of loss and ‘not having enough in the future’, along with that there is also the unnecessary desire to always save money, as if I do not trust myself to fully support myself, as if I have completely accepted myself to be a slave to the system, where I am grateful, ‘counting my lucky stars’ for the good fortune I have, as if I have no directive principle whatsoever, and within this, it is like I am literally clinging on to this good fortune I find myself within for dear life. “What if I lose it, what if something goes wrong one day?” and there is created the desire to save, to find insurance. I am not saying that it is not pragmatic to support yourself financially, I am indicating specifically when it is fear based as the fear of loss – because within accepting myself as this life of good fortune that I find myself born into in this world, I have lost myself and abdicated my self-directive principle by fully accepting the ‘me’ that was created purely due to luck and environmental factors.

Sometimes, when I see how consumed I am by this fear, I ask myself “when is enough, enough?” and this is the question I see a lot of people asking of the obscenely rich people in this world. What I have found interestingly is that there does not necessarily exist any less of a fear of survival in the rich than the poor – the fearful are simply better supported through a stable life that more money provides. If anything there may be more fear of survival within the rich as they are constantly getting doses of the drug that satiates this fear – money. This is why enough is never enough, money literally becomes a pathological drug addiction.

In recent times, after experiencing some unprecedented success, I have really been seeing this fear more, in contrast to the success I have been having, because I notice: for as great as this fear may be within me, when I actually stop and look at the reality of my life, I have never really had it ‘that hard’, other than by some things I have done to myself, but from a system perspective, I am certainly one of the lucky ones and likely always will be. I have never actually faced starvation, freezing to death, total financial ruin – nothing like that, and yet the mind will tend to cry out and use justifications like “well, I’m not rich, I don’t have total safety, what if this were to happen to me, or this” – irrational stuff, especially in a world where safety is never guaranteed, even if you do have all the money in the world.

Not to say my life is perfect, because it certainly is not, but for the things that really matter as that which I depend on to actually exist, I really am amazingly fortunate. I am a white male from a rich country called Canada with families who have stable incomes, I have a decent education and skills and abilities with which to navigate effectively and create opportunities for myself. On top of this, I have also had the privilege to be supported by Desteni and the ability to apply what they are sharing, which I am finding is having a massive positive impact on my life, both within and without, and not just for myself, but others as well.

Now, the excuse of ‘poor little old me, how will I ever make it?’ is no longer valid as I see how I have used this as a point of self interest as the desire of the mind to not change as the mind fear change and have justified the logic of the mind extensively with fears such as this.

So now that the starting point changes, my total view of myself changes, the question arises – what now do I do with this good fortune and opportunity that I find myself in?

The only reasonably answer would be one of having a higher purpose; that is to share what I have and who I am with as many others as possible. And for this, I am truly privileged as I am currently busy with two career endeavors (along with all of my other projects such as for instance this blog) in which I am able to make an honest living out of changing peoples lives for the better. While money may currently be a necessary reality of life, it is no measure of wealth, and within this realization, I now see what real wealth is and before having even made a cent yet with any of these newfound pursuits, I see that I am truly a rich man.