Tag Archives: manipulation

Day 306: Pleading with others

 

Today I noticed a particular thought pattern that was occurring in my mind, which I have noticed before but never pinpointed and addressed. Upon having a moment of fear arise – the fear of what another might do and the fear that I will be harmed – I saw myself suddenly go into imaginings about how I would plead with this person to see things another way – my way – and to have some sort of realization that would change their mind and course of behavior. This was real Hollywood bullshit, straight out of a movie where I envision myself becoming very endearing, dramatic, heartfelt, really ‘putting it all out there and showing my deepest feelings’ – that is like, really manipulative bullshit that needs to stop immediately. It doesn’t work and it’s not real. There is only common sense as what is best for all and to give something some personalized, moralistic connotation is just deception and manipulation, no matter how good it sounds or how well intended it is.

 

There is an additional consequence as well, where I actually further build up the fear existent within me by not actually directing it but rather tacitly allowing it through just finding ways to appease it, and then, I build myself up in hope – fascinating to see such a correlation between fear and hope – and then of course I build myself up for a big disappointment when I don’t get what I want and the manipulation isn’t effective. Then the fear ultimately ends up as anger.

 

Yesterday I wrote about the point of spitefulness – which is basically the behavior that is the result of the accumulation experiences of anger – and how that leads to a false desire for ‘love’ – trying to escape the negative, the truth of myself, by chasing that which has been presented to me as positive: the ideal life including the ideal relationship. So it is fascinating to begin to see how all of these points intertwine – fear, hope, love, anger.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to – upon having a moment of fear as reaction to a belief of another, based on what I may have observed about them – go into imaginings about how I can manipulate the person, using pleading with them, as a way of utilizing a fake persona wherein I am endearing, heartfelt and dramatic, trying to appeal to them ‘softly’ and hoping that they will feel empathy and a kind of ‘caring’ that is also fake because it is just based invoking their own inner feelings of guilt by presenting a sorry image to them, hoping that they will ‘come to their senses’ of empathy

 

I see, realize and understand that I only believe that such manipulation tactics may work because they seem to have worked in the past – thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that such manipulation tactics are actually effective and will still work

 

When and as I see myself wanting to utilize pleading and ways of invoking empathy through presenting a sorry, heartfelt, endearing presentation of myself as a way of manipulating them to not be/do that which I fear – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand the game of manipulation that I am playing and that it simply doesn’t work as it is not real/directive/self honest but actually just a reflection of me accepting/allowing/giving into my own fears/beliefs/judgments/opinions, and as such, having this acceptance as my starting point will in fact resonate through me from the core of my being and only invoke fears in another, which were the cause of my fears in the first place! Fearing who others are because others are living/acting out of fear – thus I do not go into such imaginings or act on them, I stop and breathe and not give into my fearful desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

Another quick point written in my journal today:

 

A reaction is just a reaction == not real! Breathe breathe breathe, walk it off – until it is done and you may then be able to get to the bottom of it.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have ignored the moment in which I had a reaction to another where I did not get what I wanted, not realizing how this intense moment of reaction would greatly affect me and my perception/thinking throughout the course of my day

 

thus, I commit myself to – when I have such emotional reactions of feeling rejected/not getting what I want – to stop and breathe, and realize that I have gone into a reaction and to deal with it immediately if necessary or as soon as possible, within the understanding and consideration of the fact that this is a reaction occurring here and that if I do not direct myself in such moments of reaction, I am setting myself up unnecessarily for hard times – thus I do not accept and allow such reactions to exist within me as I see, realize and understand that they are just reactions which need/require to be directed, and I apply myself to direct all reactions and not give into my reactions as the mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions

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Day 305: What I believe I want in a woman

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have made the association between sex/the experience of orgasm with ‘love’ and being cared for

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the touch of a woman’s skin and body, and that I’ve associated such experiences and having access to such experiences with having a sense of control/power and therefore happiness

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire the touch of another as an energetic addiction to this experience of perceiving that I am in control of what which I only believe will support and take care of me

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn women into commodities and objects that fit a profile of what I apparently want and believe will make me happy and save/make my life whole

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play power/manipulation games wherein I jockey for positions of power with another in order to present myself/assert myself as superior, as a way of having others submit to be able to get what I want – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make judgments on others when I do not get what I want

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go looking for another person who will satisfy my desires and fulfill my addictions when I do not get what I desire/have my addictions fulfilled by my partner, as a way of being spiteful towards my partner for the experience of being angry/frustrated because I am not getting what I believe I want – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my desire for sex/liking others/desire for interaction/desire for ‘love’ on actual spitefulness towards another – or as the expression goes ‘to find someone on the rebound’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my love for one on my hate towards another – specifically, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my desire/love for a woman/partner on my spitefulness/hate/lack of self acceptance of myself, where I go looking fir fulfillment because I am not recognizing myself fully and living myself to my full potential, which are reflections of self hate, self rejection and beliefs about self not being good enough or inferior

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame others (women) and representations on women found in the media, for exciting my desires and ‘teasing me’ by stimulating me into having desires – not seeing and realizing that I am the directive principle within such a point and thus it is up to me whether or not I accept and allow such desires to exist within/as me

 

When and as I see myself looking to another to fulfill my desires for what I have defined as love and caring, looking for a feeling of fulfillment – I stop, I breathe, and I do not continue participating in such desires as I see, realize and understand that such desires are based on how I have not loved myself and recognized and lived myself fully, but rather created beliefs about how others are somehow superior and can therefore save me

 

When and as I see myself thinking/feeling that another is beautiful because of how they look/feel, I stop, I breathe, and I see, realize and understand that such beliefs are actually based on how I have defined perfection in my mind and made associations with perfection/happiness/fulfillment with a certain image/experience of a woman – thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in such feelings, thought and beliefs about another apparently being beautiful or special

 

When and as I see myself wanting desiring a woman only because I believe it will ‘be good for my life’ as if having a partner is some kind of commodity as part of a greater life plan – I stop, breathe and do not participate in such desires as I see, realize and understand that such beliefs were only designed in fear and survival, where I used an observation of having control over others as apparently being satisfying and making life happier and safer

 

When and as I see myself playing games of power/manipulation/jockeying for position with another as a way to try to get them to do/be what I want as what I have idealized about what roles others must play in my life – I stop, and breathe and do not attempt to do such things as I see, realize and understand that it is impossible to make another do what I want and control them and that this will make me happy because this desire and belief of happiness through control/manipulation is only a belief that I created by using what was presented to me in my world as apparently something that will make me happy

 

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that – due to where the desire for love/affection/attention is coming from, as a place of self neglect, self rejection, and spitefulness towards self and others, that any desire for love as an idea about having someone in my life in a certain way/’role’/character is only based in spitefulness and the beliefs created in spitefulness that having others play such roles in my life will apparently make me happy.

 

When and as I see myself judging/blaming others/women/the media for stimulating my desires and belief about women, love and relationships, I stop, I breathe, and I realize a simple point which is that I am the directive principle and all desires/beliefs are only created, accepted and allowed through/as me and thus if they are allowed to exist within me, then it is because I am allowing them to be, and as such I am not able to blame anyone or anything for stimulating me, no matter how much or how great the attempt to stimulate me may be.

Day 160: Humour as a defence mechanism

After listening to a fascinating interview from eqafe.com this evening about resistance and acting on change, I was reminded of the importance of writing and supporting myself every day. This because it is easy to find excuses to not support oneself, especially when one is living a busy life with lots of things happening, work, friends etc – specifically in my case it is issues of fatigue. I was reminded of the fact that this is an easy excuse as I have associated the cause of fatigue with ‘not resting enough’ – within this logic, apparently doing nothing, not acting and not changing myself means that I will be ‘more rested’ and therefore more able to support myself ‘later’ – this is not so, and it was brought to my attention (yet again) that it is in fact this ‘doing nothing’ and allowing the mind to continue to drain my body of energy, that is in fact causing this fatigue. So, onto today’s point:

For a long time I have had a tendency of using humour when within a state of fear – this state of fear normally induced by a misunderstanding and an inability to direct myself effectively.

When I was a young boy, I remember having a great fear horror movies and images of horror and gore – they scared the shit out of me. At the same time, I was fascinated by them, and specifically the characters in them, the characters within the movie that created great fear within me and terrorized all the people in the movies.

Like a lot of children, late at night when I was alone in bed, I would get scared – these characters often haunted me, yet they lived in my head only. Interestingly enough what I would do with myself is I have would have conversations with myself to these characters – funnily enough, seeing myself type this is rather reminiscent of the conversations I’ve had in my own mind with God – some great entity that exists only as a figment of my own imagination who I speak to as I fear them greatly.

Anyways. The same way that I feared these characters from the horror movies in my own mind, fearing being attacked by them, I felt as if I couldn’t win, because ‘what if the fear is real? What if they really get me?’ So what I would do when I would talk to them, is that I would use humour to barter them off.

I must have observed this somewhere in my world – I’m not sure, but perhaps in my father – I will have to investigate this – because along with the humour that I would use, it was a very natural ‘next step’ to try to ‘win them over’. To basically be friends with them. Being friends with monsters – if you can’t beat them, join them, is the logic. All of this I must have already been practicing by the age of 3 or 4.

To this day, I still notice this tendency within me, in my behaviour with others, who I fear for any reason – usually to do with the idea that they may have power over me or can negatively influence me – which is in itself a lie because it cannot be so unless I allow this idea to exist within me.

So, to break this point down:

-Accepting the idea that these monsters can harm me, seeing them as somehow being able to have power or influence over me

-within this attempting to use humour, to essentially win them over and ‘be on their side’

-believing that if I can’t beat them, I must join them – never questioning why I have accepted that they can harm me to begin with

Some self forgiveness on this point:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘monsters are real’ – meaning to believe that the characters/mind demons that people become are in fact real and ‘who they are’ and thus cannot be directed or changed – and within that acceptance, that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that they can harm me, that they have power and influence over me – not realizing that I can in fact direct myself and the situation within self honesty, here as the physical as breath, no matter what I am facing

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use humour as a way of convincing myself and those who I fear that I apparently do not fear them, and that everything is ok and I am fine, and that I like them and am on ‘their side’, rather than fear them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use humour and the good feelings/energy that humour creates as a way of deceiving myself/others that ‘everything is OK’ apparently, when in fact it is not

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I am able to impulse others through humour, that I apparently have power and control over them – rather than directing myself/the situation here in self honesty as breath as the self directive principle as life – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust the good feelings that are created within me when I use humour to control others or when others use humour to control me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that if I allow myself to use humour to influence and deceive others, then I allowed myself to be deceived and influenced by the humour that others use with me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within the acceptance that there are fearful characters that can harm me, believe that I must become ‘one of them’ as my best chance of survival – not realizing that I am in fact attracting/creating that which I fear by doing this, by identifying with it, becoming it and creating it, fully accepting it as who I am in self dishonesty

When and as I see myself fearing others and believing the mind demons to be real – I stop, I breathe – I see and realize that these characters are not real but rather creations of self dishonesty and misunderstanding, based on memory and experience and thus, can be directed as myself – I remain here as breath and do not allow myself to be influenced by that which I am seeing/experiencing which may prompt fears/doubts within me, I do not participate within these fears as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself using humour to try and satiate my fears of others and the belief that others can harm/influence me – I stop, I breathe –I realize that these characters can not harm me unless I allow myself to participate within my fear which is what makes my fear real, and thus I do not participate in my fears/based on my fears as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself wanting to deflect the destruction of mind demons away from me for fear that I may be harmed, by using humour or other mind manipulation tactics – I stop, I breathe, I see, understand and realize that these demons are not real and thus it is not a matter of ‘beating them or joining them’ – rather, I do not participate in my fears as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as energy, and I direct myself/the situation here as breath

Day 126: Revenge of the pretty woman – part 4

stylish photography of gorgeous asian women31
In this part, I am writing self corrective statements based on the self forgiveness statements I wrote in the previous blog, and what I have learned overall about myself through a recent experience where I was contacted by an ex girlfriend.

When and as I see myself going into thoughts/feelings/emotions of blame towards another such as an ex girlfriend based on the belief that I have been ‘hurt’ by them and any subsequent justifications of this such as having been lied to by them or used by them – I stop, I breathe – I realize that I am one and equal to this person and thus blame is useless as I am equally responsible and only able to direct myself to effect change in that which I see, and that this blame of focusing on what is wrong with another is only a way of shifting attention away from what I must change about me – and I do not participate within the mind as these thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself judging another as being fake – I stop, I breathe – I see that this judgment is about me and that I am simply required to see what is ‘fake’ in my own life and correct it – and thus I do not participate in this judgment of others as my thoughts, feelings or emotions

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to be with my ex or a woman like my ex as part of a relationship fantasy wherein I believe that this ‘ideal partner’ will somehow make me/my life better and save me from my own fears and inferiorities, and when and as I see myself acting on this desire – I stop, I breathe – I realize that this is simply an engrained habit that must be stopped through my non-participation over time – and I do not allow myself to act on/participate within these desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself trying to control my ‘love life’ as the desire to have a partner and maintain a partner or my prospective attempts at finding a partner – I stop and breathe, and realize that this attempt to get a partner and control my love/relationship life this way is based in fear, inferiority and the fear of loss wherein I believe that I MUST find some kind of ideal partner – I do not participate in this desire to control and manipulate myself/others/a situation as it arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring another who I believe has ‘done me wrong’ such as my ex girlfriends to ‘explain themselves to me – I stop, breathe and do not act on/participate within this desire as I see, understand and realize that this is based within the belief that another is responsible for how I feel and a desire to justify the mistakes I had made in the relationship so that I am not required to correct myself and who I am through having another take the blame so that I can move on and continue making the same mistakes within the belief that it was the other who was wrong – I do not act on these desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I stand here, self responsible for who I am in every moment so that I may create a better life and through this create a world that is best for all life

I commit myself to stop relationships that are based in self interest, dependency, fear, weakness, inferiority, fear of loss, control, desire, possessiveness, manipulation, deception

I commit myself to create relationships and interactions with others from a starting point of self honesty as what is best for all – here within and as the physical existence and to not allow any mind interference as I stop it in the moment when it arise and do not participate

I commit myself to stand as life as one and equal to all life where no relationships can exist that are not best for all life

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