Tag Archives: love drug

Day 314: Correcting addiction, desire and dependency within relationships


There are two points that I highlighted in my life as points to write about, that appear to be very much connected. One is my reaction to my girlfriend joking about breaking up with me, and the second is the fact that I reacted (within myself, not so overtly) to a relative talking about Thai-westerner relationships being based in money, being scandalous – the whole point of people using each other.


I can’t deny that desires exist within me that play out in my relationships, especially my relationship with my partner, the sexual and close-bond relationship. I can see how we as human beings use the closeness of relationships – being preoccupied with each other, focusing our attention on each other constantly – and love, as a way of not having to face ourselves, to not actually grow within relationships but rather stagnate and diminish. Fascinating that stagnation is actually diminishment.


I can’t deny that I don’t do this, because I am very attracted to my partner in many ways. It is as though through separating myself from myself, by not wanting to face myself and what I have become, I look for that closeness in others, I focus on the likeable and positive qualities of another to get this experience of satisfaction when I know everything is not ok, both within myself and within this world. Here I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but simply refer to the fact that we as human beings live in constant fear and that’s what our thoughts, feelings and emotions are all about – this constant state of fear and desire (fear always breeds desire) that we live in.


In fact I am really attracted to my partner, to the point where it is noticeably difficult to focus on what is important in life. Not in ‘my life’ – in life.


So the other point of reacting to a joke of losing her is just an outflow of this point – not wanting to lose my distraction, my escape, my drug that keeps me blind from reality. This is not to say that it is wrong to be with her in some way – actually, it is quite cool and opportunistic to be able to face myself in a relationship – it is that the whole notion of ‘losing her’ is not real because I don’t ‘have her’ in the first place – that is projection of the illusion I am living in where in fact, the ‘idea of a relationship’ has me. The entire experience of escaping reality through positive feelings (or sometimes negative, you can’t have the first without the second) is the ‘relationship’ that has got control over me, the idea/experience that has got control over me – an idea, a figment of the imagination that is not even real, is controlling my entire perception and way that I live! I have written on this point recently about how relationships in themselves are actually just a belief system, a religion – they’re not even real but just a figment of the imagination. We are always alone with ourselves in fact – yet we are all one, here together in our aloneness.


And it is this reality that I would like to start living in, the only reality that there is – the physical reality where we are simply here together. The problem is that, as my second reaction showed, I fear giving up the illusion, simply saying ‘no’ to the temptation to focus on another and get distracted and moving on to the next point that requires my attention in actual fact. It sometimes seems so difficult to break away from this habit because I tell myself that my girlfriend is so attractive and that there are so many nice things about her, but I know that within this positively charged viewpoint, I am only seeing what I want to see and not seeing her/life for what it really is in its entirety. Sometimes when a habit is so engrained, it seems impossible to go about life another way. But I have already proven to myself that it is possible. Quitting ‘cold turkey’ is challenging because this tendency/habit/pattern of focusing on my partner is really engrained t the point of being automated. It will be important to be strict and yet patient with myself.


I forgive myself tat I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my relationships as a way of escaping my reality and truth of myself, and not having to actually face myself and take self responsibility, through focusing on both the positives or negatives of another person that I’ve actually convinced myself are real, and used their behavior as evidence of this, when in fact what all humans including myself are currently living is not real, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my dual nature of the mind as characters of good and evil onto other people and not having to then face myself and correct my own inner demons that present themselves as characters of good and evil, by judging the same points in other people, playing deceptive games with myself where I am constantly judging and essentially saying ‘look at that person, they are so good!’ or ‘look at that person, they are so bad!’ which is essentially just the same bullshit game – fearing that which I am and diverting myself from the truth of me by focusing on the apparent good and bad of others


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define good and bad as pictures and associate these pictures with the ones I like/agree with/am similar to as the good, and the ones I don’t like/agree with/am not similar too as the bad, within this not realizing that these are just characters projections that I have created through association/belief while in fact, all are equal as life


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define/judge my girlfriend as both good and bad characters, and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to thus be attracted to the good characters and repelled by the bad characters, not seeing and realizing that I am playing games with myself that limit me from ever seeing life direct, as equal and one, by not stopping these projections and rather recognize life firstly within myself and thus in others as well


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of this energetic relationship I have towards others and my partner, and thus to fear ‘losing the relationship’ or to desire to be ‘more close within the relationship’ for that matter, not realizing that there I am trying to experience myself within these projections of good and bad characters, when the only real interaction and communication that can exist would be through standing here unconditionally as equals and not accepting anything else as mental projections of each other that we only see in our minds perception of the physical


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to touch and have physical sensation/experience of the good character that I have defined my partner/others as, while I have wanted to avoid and escape the bad characters that I have defined or may define others – including my partner – as


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my partner as beautiful and special and treat her as such, as something desire to be experienced and close to, not realizing that this definition is only created within the context of wanting to escape reality/the truth of myself and not actually see life/myself for what it really is and that real closeness/experience of another can only exist when you see another for real/as yourself and without illusions of perception


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the pattern of being distracted/preoccupied by my partner as if I will ‘miss out on something’ and constantly wanting to experience her in some positive way and be distracted by such experiences – and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it will be impossible or difficult to break this habit as I have been doing it for so long


When and as I see myself playing games with myself where I am judging others/my partner as good or bad – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that I am playing games with myself and fucking with myself by projecting my inner self onto others and through this, creating beliefs about others that are not in fact true, so that I can be deluded and not have to face myself, as the mind is tricky in this way and will use ‘evidence’ that I see in others, which is in fact my own projections of myself, to fool me into believing that what I see and believe and experience on a mental level is real – thus I do not participate in such thoughts/judgments about others as my thoughts, feelings and emotions


I commit myself to identify the moments in which I judge another/react to how I have already defined another as either good or bad, or in the case of a partner in a relationship, as attractive/desirable or undesirable, and to not act on such desires, but rather stop and breathe when I see myself possessed by sch desires in the moment, to remain here as breath as I see, realize and understand that such actions only further engrain these beliefs/projections/desires and thus I will be strict in not participating in these desires as energy, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, within this, prove to myself that I can in fact live real love through standing as equal and one myself and others


I commit myself to stop justifying my addictions to my partner of focusing on my partner and looking for positive energetic experiences with my partner with the idea that ‘it is ok because we are in a relationship’ as I see, realize and understand that I am justifying and normalizing addictive behavior that in fact destroys relationships as it drives me to lose control by placing my addiction for positive energy experiences above all life


When and as I see myself judging my partner as beautiful and desirable or undesirable/someone I must avoid – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that the judgments of beautiful and desirable are based on programming/past memories of what I believe will apparently satisfy me and make me happy and bring me a positive energy experience with which I can escape myself/not face myself, and that the judgments of undesirable/to be avoided are based on observing behaviors which I only fear because they reflect to me the nature of me, or additionally the fear that I cannot change/direct such a nature within me and thus cannot direct it in another, and thus this too is another way of not having to face myself and stand unconditionally in support of myself and others/my partner as life – thus I do not participate in either of these judgments nor do I act on them, when I see them arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 201: Relationship sabotage and porn: establishing a new self based on principles


I have written in recent previous posts about how I have – for as long as I can remember – tried to make something ‘more’ out of my experiences within relationship, some kind of ‘larger than life experience’ in my interactions and sexual activity with my relationship partner. I noticed this in the last time that my partner visited where I was actually taking memories from my past and super-imposing them onto my present moment in order to have this kind of higher experience. I’m sure it is a very common experiences within relationships, and that is why it tends to always be the men and women that can present the greatest illusion of excitement as something ‘larger than life’ to their prospective partners that tend to get the most ‘action’ – but the problem here is obviously that it is all just based on image projection as nothing can in fact be ‘larger than life’ – life is life and is all inclusive and thus no part of life can be ‘higher than’ life itself.

It is no wonder why so many of my past relationships – and so many relationships of so many people – have all gone through the same pattern of ‘starting off high’, on an energy high as the two partners are excited about their ‘larger than life’ ideas that they have of each other in their own minds, and then eventually the ideas fade as reality sets in and the idea gets harder and harder to maintain as the energy used to feed the idea/relationship runs out, and eventually it all turns sour and the relationships end. I don’t want to repeat this pattern, I am tired of this kind of bullshit and heartache.

It is also no wonder that the same thing happens with sexuality as sexuality is really part of the whole relationship experience, where it starts off with excitement but as it continues, it takes higher and higher levels of energy and excitement to satisfy this energy high, and therefore for higher levels of excitement, higher levels of stimulus are required. Through a bit of recent study I have been seeing (to an even greater extent than I have in the past) the influence that porn has and the role it plays in this ‘upping the ante’ of sexual stimulus, as I have seen the same progression in my own life, where when I was younger I would be aroused/stimulated by relatively tame sexual images/acts, and over the years that progressed to more intense sexual images/acts, where the more tame stuff no longer satisfies.

This has also given me an insight as to why something like erectile dysfunction becomes so common in men because this ‘upping the ante’ of sexual stimulus/content is a constant progression, even if the progression is slow and in very small increments, one will ALWAYS need to step up the level – it is simply the nature of the relationship to sex and sexuality as something that exist within the mind which is experienced as energy which is stimulated and produced in the mind through images and other sensory triggers. As long as the mind requires new and higher levels to stimulate itself and thus the body into arousal – as one has already developed a relationship system where the bodies arousal is dependent on sexuality constructs within the mind – then the same old thing won’t cut it anymore, like for instance if you continue having sex in the same way, or with the same partner.

The fact is that due to how my relationships have been compromised by fear, the fear of loss and the subsequent and ever increasing desire for ‘something more’ – I have never in fact had a real relationship and if this continues and is not corrected, I will never have a real relationship, and more so I will never be real and live/experience life for real.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within the fear of loss, believe that I must continue within the same relationship patterns of behavior as I have in the past, believing and fearing that if I do not, I will not have a partner or a successful relationship – when in fact the reverse is true – that it is my old belief about relationships, how they should be and how I should behave, that has destroyed all of my past relationships and will sabotage future relationships if I continue, as they are all based in fear and thus the desire for a ‘higher experience/someone special’ – thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I continue with the same patterns, then all of my relationships will be doomed and that the only possible way to have successful relationships is to base them on a self that is in fact living the principles of oneness and equality as what is best for all, a self without fear or fear of loss – here I do not allow myself to be compromised by the possibility or event of losing a relationship as any relationship lost due to myself living principles that is best for all as oneness and equality – were never real in the first place and thus I embrace the benefit of losing an illusion to embrace life

I commit myself to stop the mockery that has been created as my relationships with others that are based in fear and fear of loss as the ever increasing quest for stimulus as an experience of something higher/something more and to stop these unsustainable relationships/unsustainable ways of interacting within relationships as this desire for an energetic experience, and to stand within and as breath as the physical in self honesty, devoid of all memories that may influence my standing as a real physical being, as the principles of oneness and equality as that which is best for all life