Tag Archives: letting go

Day 334: The trap of comfort and what it means to live life in the moment

 

A couple days ago I wanted to watch a music DVD that I hadn’t seen in a few years. I remember enjoying this dvd, band and their music a lot at that time, and so when I wanted to watch it, I wanted to share it with my girlfriend as something ‘good/cool’. What I tend to forget about points such as this with regards to music is that, despite having some education as to the technical workings/aspects of music, much of what I consider ‘good’ and worth sharing is just out of personal opinion, based on personal preference. There is absolutely no objective facts that somehow state that my music is better than others, or special in any way for that matter.

 

Within this there is also an underlying point which is the desire to ‘connect’ with another person through sharing such personal interests as personal preferences/opinions of things I enjoy. But it is impossible to truly connect with someone on something that is based only in opinion and personal preference.

 

What I also notice is that because I have defined some music as ‘more valuable than other music’ and ‘special’ than others, there is almost a sense of urgency that I must share it, as if I am waging some kind of propaganda war, some kind of opinion war where I must show and give as much exposure as possible to my propaganda, to my opinions, to my preferences, and if I do not, it is as if something will be lost.

 

I have already been shown through many experiences that this simply does not work – to attempt to control moments within the idea of trying to ‘make something special happen’, to create some kind of special experience with special things, with special elixirs – I mean it sounds like a form of magic where I am trying to create a certain energetic experience through ‘connecting with another’ on a point of opinion – a mental connection, and thus a metaphysical connection.

 

This is not life, this is not something that is constant, stable, consistent – it is rather based on the characters that we believe ourselves to be, which have been programmed since birth through societal and media experiences/conditioning, which are the character/personality types that determine what are our preferences and opinions.

 

Life, I have found, is something that is emergent, something not necessarily predicted so specifically – though it can be predicted based on essential principles, it is not something that must take on a certain form or character. It is not something that must be so controlled and prescribed. Life is here in every moment of every experience, and every moment/experience is in fact equal – but it is our personal preferences/opinions that limit us from embracing this fully and unconditionally.

 

Real sharing can only come in sharing the reality of life, of being here in every moment equally in the physical reality that we all share in fact, devoid of personalized opinions and beliefs, where all moments are actually lived fully – there is not a single moment in our lives that is not a moment of value – but by looking for/trying to create moments of value/moments that are special, we miss what is already here, that life already in itself is special. I have had some fascinating experiences of understanding, interaction and personal growth when I have least expected it – and again it is not as though these moments were anything special, they were just surprisingly unseen, as the real life experience that can be had when we let go our our preprogrammed, predetermined and prescribed ideas/beliefs/opinions/notions of what life should be, of what is apparently valuable or special or meaningful.

 

We fear to give up that which we have preprogrammed and prescribed in our life as being special, the prescribed drugs of comfort as that which is familiar to us which keeps us drugged in a state of feeling as if ‘everything is ok’ because we feel safe and secure only experiencing and accepting and participating in what we know. But what if the only real security in life is to let go of all attempts to stick to what we have defined as secure and comfortable, to abandon all that we have grown accustomed to and comfortable with, and embrace life itself fully and completely? This is the real key to learning, to living a life where the education of life never ends and we give ourselves true purpose by living a life where we can constantly grow and become better. I mean, there is so much in this world to learn and do, it is virtually endless.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined certain things in my reality as the things that I like, based on the fact that they are familiar, known, and thus I identify with them as a way of establishing my own identity and thus establishing myself in this world within the starting point of survival as fear of loss – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made opinions about certain things in my life as being special/better than/more important than others, whether those things be music, TV shows, movies, people, places, things, animals, activities, sports, foods, – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define and limit myself according to the things, environments, people and activities that I am familiar with and accustomed to, not realizing that such points I have become attached to within the fear of surviving/losing myself, as if I am clinging onto them for dear life, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of such things, to stop defining myself by them and participating in them, and moving onto new points, embracing the unknown within the self directive principle of life and living within self honesty and self trust

 

Thus, when and as I see myself defining/believing certain things, people, experiences, places, environments, foods, cultures, activities, sports, animals as being more special/having more value than others, and thus wanting to stick to only participating in such points and promote such points as something special/’more than’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand the self limitation I am imposing on myself as self definition, ego and pride, and how I am limiting myself from actually embracing and living life – and thus I do not participate in such beliefs that what I identify with are special and the desire to participate in and promote them, as such desires arise in my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I commit myself to set myself free from the fear of loss/fear of losing myself that I have created as self definition, and live here as breath, embracing every new moment unconditionally within principles that are best for all life, as self trust and self honesty in embracing who I really am by letting go of self definition

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize the implications of an underlying fear of loss/fear of death/fear of losing myself, that such fears create a tendency within me to always try to find a point of habit as experiences, which I then associate with my environment and surrounding things/people, which I find comfortable because it appeases these fears by creating an experience of comfort/stability/that I am surviving well, and that I will then always try to situate myself within/define myself by such habitual living patterns and will begin to trust them because they suit my desire to survive and be comfortable, and thus no matter where I am or what I am doing, I will always try to find this point of normality/regularity/stability through habit – not seeing and realizing the point that living life is fluid and dynamic and cannot be entrapped within a point of habits/patterns which I then define myself by/associate with, and thus that the only real stability that I am able to experience is a stability that is lived as self where, no matter where I am or what I am doing or who I am with, I am stable within/as myself within the self trust of remaining here as breath and not going into the mind to create certain habits/identities within the fear of survival, and thus by remaining here as breath in self honesty, I trust myself to direct myself in a way that is best for all life, and thus myself because I am life

 

I commit myself to stop the tendency to associate myself with/define myself by/limit myself to being a ‘creature of habit’, wherein I look for living patterns/habits that I am comfortable with which I can then automate myself into, not realizing that this is an abdication of self, of who I am, as the breath of life that I have been given as the opportunity to realize what life is and live life here as myself in every moment, as the opportunity to create a life/self/world that is best for all, that is quite cool because it is made in the image and likeness of myself of that which I would like to give to myself/create for myself, enjoy and experience

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Day 318: Daily self forgiveness: giving as I would like to receive

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that that which I fear in others is in fact that which I fear in myself, and so rather than try to control my outer-reality, the only real solution is to give everything up that I desire as the mind/ego: to give up all self interest, all greed, all desires to be special – and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to to realize that this is the only solution possible to live the life I really want to live, where all is given and accessible because I have first given to others as I would like to receive, and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize this fact – that no matter how strong my self interest may seem, no matter how intensely I experience my desires, no matter how possible it looks that I can find a way to get what I want – there is still, in fact, no other way – thus I commit myself to put in the practical work necessary and prioritize it: to write, to investigate myself in as much depth as necessary, to do as much work as is necessary, to share this process with others, and to work every day consistently with this as my top priority, giving myself back to myself and showing myself that there is in fact another way that is best, where I don’t need to feel like I need to escape reality any longer because I am given myself back to myself and within this commitment, I am free, because no matter what it takes or how long it takes, the outcome is certain as freedom within/as oneness and equality, as I have lived and dedicated the certainty that I will thus receive as the outcome

Day 287: Positive Illusions and the desire to control

Recently stress has been occurring in my life due to my attempts to control things that are simply out of my control. I have been attempting to control things from the starting point of believing that “this thing is a good thing, and thus I must hold onto it, I must maintain and sustain it”. It is really only due to this belief that I have struggled and become so stressed because if I were to let go of this belief, I would not simply fear losing the point but rather consider who I am without it and who I will decide to be without .

By believing that this point is ‘good’ from a starting point of believing that I need it or that I will be worse-off without out it or I am missing something. So much needless stress and anxiety could have been averted if I had simply questioned my belief.

I know I am being vague and not specific about what exactly this particular point is, but it is interesting because now that I see the principle of what I am describing through being general/vague, I can see how it applies to so much in my life, so many others points, and also applicable to so many other people in this world. It is the one thing that keeps us from really changing for the better: the belief that what we already have is positive. We hold onto positive illusions and fear the negativity of reality, when in fact the only positivity that can ever exist, exists within letting go of all illusions, no matter how seemingly positive, and simply remaining here in physical reality so that we can direct it in a way that is best for all life.

Now what remains for me is only the fear of others judging and misunderstanding me for letting go of/disengaging in what is believed to be positive. But if I fear this point, if I react to this point, it is only showing that I too still fear letting go of this point and have doubt/uncertainty about it. If I am ever to expect others to come to the same understanding or to be able to support others in any way to break free of their own positive illusions, I have to be absolute in my standing, I can not allow myself to fear or react when others judge or misunderstand. Even if I go into the other extreme/polarity of fighting with others or trying to prove something to others, I am in fact tacitly still supporting these positive illusions by fearing losing them or still believing that they are so real that I fear their might and power over me through their power and might over others – when others are really just under positive illusions, nothing more, no matter how real they make it seem.

Thus the point is to remain honest with self in every breath, to not react or fear but rather trust self through self honesty, and simply explain or clarify to those who misunderstand/judge if necessary or even possible – in many cases I will need to be ready to have others simply judge, misunderstand, get nasty even – and still just remain here within and as breath, trusting myself, being honest with myself, and within this, establishing myself and what is really real in this reality as my self directive principle – I trust myself to remain here in self honest common sense and do not allow myself to be influenced by the grip of fear from the positive illusions I have created which only serve to enslave me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of that which I believe is positive, or to try to fight to let go of it or somehow prove that it is not positive – when in fact all that is necessary is to remain here within and as breath and direct myself to not give into fear/desire. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require a point that I have defined as positive/good that exist outside/separate from myself in order to live and thus fearing that if I lose this point, I will somehow be worse off or damned.

I commit myself to no longer stand by that which I have come to believe is positive, and when the tendency/urge arise to act on this belief as actions that are designed to sustain and maintain these positive illusions that I have created – I stop, I breathe, I remain here as breath and I do not allow myself to succumb to fear as self doubt, but rather trust myself through sticking to breath and giving myself the credit and self support that I do not require points of positivity that exist separate from me in order to live and have a fulfilled, dignified life – thus I do not give into this fear as desire to hold onto, defend or fight for illusions, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I embrace myself here in self trust as breath.

Day 222: Fear of loss – what to do?

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At this very moment I am not feeling comfortable – what am I experiencing – fear – what does it lead back to? Desire. I have desire and this desire is not being directed effectively. Directing desire is a simple application as breath which I must continue to apply and develop as a tool/mechanism through which I am able to move through these tough experiences of desire. If I have no desire, I will have no fear. If I have no fear, obviously I will be able to have quite a cool experience of myself.

Much of the fear also has to do with others in my reality – what if they do not stand? What if I will lose because they are not standing?

The last question is interesting because there is no way another’s not standing can ‘take away from me’ unless I allow it – in other words, if others do not stand, if they ‘turn on me’ or become abusive or ‘leave/abandon me’, it is only me who is able to say “oh God, I am missing out, what a loss!” and of course the common sense question is: if others become what I fear – then why the hell would I fear losing them in the first place?

I understand at this stage, as an idea, that if a relationship ends, it is fine because it was never real in the first place – but living that statement is another story, as the fear of loss certainly exists within me. It is a mental thing in nature, of this I am sure. So because it is mental in nature, that means I had to have created it. How did I create it or how am I currently creating it?

Now I see the point more clearly: if the relationship exists only in our mind as mental projection of ourselves as what we would like to be but are not it living in fact – then naturally within this the fear of loss will be created because we are projecting ourselves as the awareness that we are in fact lost in our own creation.

However the point here that is difficult is to focus the shift from ‘we’ to ‘me’ – in other words, making this stand unconditionally and absolutely. Interestingly enough, while the fear of standing is the fear of loss, losing relationships/not surviving in my society, is that by standing am I in fact making sure that all relationships that I accept and allow will be that which is best for all. By not doing so, I am accepting an existence of relationships that are made to fail, destined for pain and sorrow.

 

The problem lies in how I will tend to define certain individuals as special, based within this fear of loss, because here I am making the association with maintaining positive relationships with these individuals. So it is missing the principle by essentially making the mistake of ‘formatting’/defining the principle as embodied by certain individuals in my life. My standing cannot be limited by who else is willing to stand – and if I am to ever expect that anyone will stand, my stand will have to become unconditional.

I fear that others will not understand and I will lose them, but the fact is that this is the only way – nevermind that fear isn’t even valid in the first place. Within the desire to ‘have them understand’ I am not focusing on me and I will not be clear, and within that, trying to communicate a understanding to another will be impossible because it is I who am not under-standing – standing up within myself. This is the key, whether others understand initially or not – they will do so in time as my standing is absolute.

The fears I am having must be ‘nipped in the bud’ in terms of not allowing a single one to exist within and as me, let alone drive me to action! To be clear that fear is not the point that moves me because if I allow this within myself, I am allowing in another – what I fear is what I attract!

Here I must also watch the tendency to project myself and thus when I do take on a point – be clear that it is focused on the point rather than focusing on the point in another person only – because here I will be speaking from a starting point of separation. Another tendency to look out for is the tendency to want positive feedback or some kind of positive feeling experience from which to base everything that I’m talking about, because the fact is, there is no positive feeling attached to standing, and we are a race all so addicted to positive feelings that standing is not going to feel positive at all – those are the ‘tough moments’ that I am going to have to walk through that will be my test of absolution.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to push and exercise the point of walking through desire by breathing through it, not realizing that if I allow any desire to exist, I am allowing harm to be done unto myself by living the self interest that I fear in others, where we neglect each other in our own delusion of self importance

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that IN ALL INSTANCES OF WHAT I FEAR ABOUT OTHERS that I am in fact only fearing that which I am accepting and allowing about myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not following or losing system relationships as the systematization of interaction which is created through fear as self dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and define relationships with others within and as my own mind, based on the polarization of living in the survival mode of friends and enemies.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to remain not standing due to the fear of loss is actually creating the fear of loss as what I fear I will create – and that by not standing I am creating certain loss – albeit perhaps in the distant future in some cases – it is inevitable – while not realizing that by standing unconditionally and walking through the fear of loss, am I in fact, for the first time, creating a life that is worth living and sustainable – not matter who it is in relation with

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the fear of loss is a marker of support indicating that I am lost within some point which requires careful attention and consideration

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to certain relationships which I value more than others within the fear of loss – not realizing that it is my relationship to life that must take precedent – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to value some relationships more than others – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate my process/self definition with other human beings in my life and allow the people who are in my life to influence my standing as either defining them as supportive to it or taking away from it

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that to have a cool existence where all relationships are sound and no one live in fear of another, I must stand without fear of loss as fear of others as who others may accept and allow themselves to be

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the desire to have others understand, not realizing that this desire is a self projection where I am not supporting myself and not realizing that supporting myself is what must be done in order to have effective relationships/interactions that are best for all life – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I do not stand, I will be completely unable to communicate anything to another and all interaction becomes useless

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act on fears, rather than get into the habit of nipping them in the bud immediately

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within a point of un-clarity due to not taking responsibility for my own mind/fear, want to focus on points in another – not realizing that I am limited from being able to actually discuss the point itself WITH another, and thus actually be effective in support

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust positive feelings to the extent where if no positive feelings exist, I am not able to move myself – within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that standing absolute is not going to feel good and given the nature of how addicted we have become to feelings, it is going to feel like I am going against the grain of all that is good – when in fact it is not so – that is only a resonant experience of the mind not being fed energy

I commit myself to breathe through all desires as I am able to identify them and get into the habit of breathing immediately when I am entering a mind possession as desire

I commit myself to stop the fear of others through standing as a being who consider all life as equal and one and thus do not fear others because I am standing within the principle of what is best for all life, which quite naturally will bring about a world that is best for all life

I commit myself to not give into the self-imposed pressure of behaving systematically in relationships out of fear of loss/judgment/misunderstanding by others – when and as I see myself having a resonant experience of thoughts/feelings/emotions wanting to act out of fear of loss, I stop, I breathe and I do not accept and allow myself to participate as I see, understand and realize that if I allow fear of loss to exist within and as me, then fear of loss is what I will create

I commit myself to stop the tendency to create relationships within and as my own mind through thoughts/backchat/spoken word that convince myself that there is something ‘more special’ or more profound than what actually exists in fact

I commit myself to stand within and as principles that is best for all life within the context of the mess that we are currently in on earth  – as to absolutely honor life here in this time I am given on earth is to create a reality where all future relationships may be sound

I commit myself to nip fear of loss in the bud, in the moments that I experience through applying the 4 count breath and not allowing my fear of loss to direct me as thoughts/backchat/a feeling/emotional resonant experience

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring for others to understand a point/me/process, I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this tendency is a form of compensation for myself not looking at/facing/standing up within certain points, and thus I do not allow myself to participate in this desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather make sure I am clear on the point within myself and live/apply myself accordingly – I commit myself to stop the tendency to focus on points in others and simply focus on the points as equal and one to/as others

I commit myself to stand absolute in my resolve to walk this process and never give into fear as the mind and never allow fear as the negative of the experience not getting the positive energy it is used to determine/define who I will be – thus when and as I see myself having resistance/fear because I am not being positive energy, I stop, I breathe, I see that this resistance is based on how I have come to define/trust positive feelings as energy/the mind and thus I see, realize and understand that this process is going to not ‘feel good’ and be difficult and will even perceived as ‘negative’  and ‘don’t go there’ because of the fear of loss, when in fact that fear of loss is the fear of the mind losing itself – I breathe and I do not participate in the mind as my thoughts/feelings and emotions