Tag Archives: influence

Day 339: Childhood memories influencing my relationship


Recently, through working on a mind construct on relationships, I have been looking at and working through through several past memories of relationship experiences and how they have influenced who I am today and how I am living the experience/word of ‘relationship’. As I work with these memories, other memories have been coming up of even earlier childhood experiences that also played into what I ultimately experience/live as my relationships.


I see that a great deal of my pursuing relationships and, frankly obsessing over them, was based in experiences as a child where I felt I needed others to take care of me but did not get the proper care/attention that I required. Whether or not I truly needed this care that I felt I did not get is still unclear to me, as I was at a young age where I was vulnerable and couldn’t do certain things for myself, other than perhaps express effectively that I required support – perhaps I did this but still did not get the support I required, hence the urgency and obsession that later developed as my need for fulfillment through a relationship. But this does not change the fact that currently I am an adult and am fully capable of supporting myself in whatever it is that I require, even if this sometimes involves participation with others.


And within this obsession/being stuck in past memories wherein I believe that I require the help of another, my tendency has been to utilize relationships from such a starting point, and the major problem here is that this then keeps/prevents me from effectively supporting myself, as I often notice that my relationship can be a distraction from myself/my process and focusing on what really matters – who I am and directing myself to support myself effectively so that I do not need/experience the feeling that I require another to be fulfilled.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a relationship can save me, that I need and require a relationship and for my partner to give certain things such as love, attention, affection and consideration for me and within this, that I have used this point of belief as a way of not focusing on myself and giving to myself that which I require as self support, in self directiveness and self responsibility. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give attention to my relationship and put work into my relationship wherein it is from the starting point of making another like me and care for me and be obsessed with me so that I can have them conform to this point of servitude within the belief that I need and require them to be fulfilled


When and as I see myself obsessing over my relationship/partner, putting energy, attention and effort into it within the belief that I need a relationship/need a partner to love and obsess over me – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is a belief that I created from childhood experiences where I felt that I went without sufficient support, attention and consideration, and thus believed that I require to find another and convince them/control/manipulate them or give them sufficient attention in order to ensure that they give me the support/consideration that I believe I require from them – thus I remain here as breath, releasing myself from these memories and the belief that I require another to take care of me, and do not participate in such desires to control another/be fulfilled by another, as these desires arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to obsess over give attention to, control and have power over another


I commit myself to ‘be here for myself’ within awareness as breath, no longer accepting/believing that I am ‘not enough’ for myself and that I require another to fulfill me as I see, realize and understand that I can never be fulfilled by another, that this is an illusion of the mind and that the feelings thereof will never last or fulfill me

Day 331: Affluenza

“The family of a teen critically injured when another teen, Ethan Couch, drove drunk last year has reached a settlement of more than $2 million.

The case made national headlines after a witness claimed Couch was a victim of “affluenza” — the product of wealthy, privileged parents who never set limits for the Texas boy.

For the crimes of driving drunk and causing a crash — which killed four people and critically injured two — Couch received no jail time. He was ordered to go to a lockdown treatment facility and sentenced to 10 years’ probation.

The settlement, reached this month, involves the case of Sergio Molina, who was riding in the back of Couch’s truck the night of the accident. He suffered a brain injury and can no longer speak, or move. He is considered minimally responsive.”


For many of the people who heard about this case, I’m sure they were outraged just as I was. ‘Affluenza’ is not even considered a real mental disorder in the DSM-V  (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), and yet here this young man was eluding any severe consequences due to this argument, which some have pointed out is an indicator of the double standard for wealthy people in our system where they are given preferential and favorable treatment.

But tonight I stopped to consider for a moment – what is affluenza was accepted as a legitimate mental disorder in the DSM-V? Aside from all the money that pharmaceutical companies would be trying to make off of it with some drug which they’ll claim to aid it, there is the possibility that we as a society would come to recognize and understand an important point: the pathology of the elite in this world.

In a world where billions suffer, where animals are slaughtered ruthlessly for our food, where our commercial products are made by slave labor, what does it actually mean to have money, to be wealthy, to have a good standard of living, and within this, to only ever concern oneself with their own self interest while ignoring the plight of others, which in fact made such a comfortable lifestyle possible? Here we are also going to have to re-define our concept of what it means to be ‘elite’ or ‘wealthy in our world because if you have food in the fridge, clothes on your back and a roof over your head, you are actually richer than %75 of the population on earth.

When I began to really see the extent of the suffering in this world, and how the system that creates it is the system off of which I am living and benefiting, I realized that to not take self responsibility to change the system is absolutely unacceptable – that to do nothing would show just how evil, mad and delusional I had become. I have found that taking action does call into question my sanity, because at the prospect of taking action, I found that my biggest road-block was my own self interest: that I had become so obsessed and neurotic over my own bullshit, that taking action was quite a difficult thing to do, and it was no wonder that things are the way they are in this world – those who have any form of power and influence have gone completely mad.

So my concept of what is a sociopath had been completely redefined, and here is where a condition like affluenza could become quite a useful thing if the awareness of it had become as common and widespread as for instance our common knowledge of ADD. We could conventionalize a very important understanding, which is that to be rich and wealthy in a world where billions suffer, where this wealth is the cause of such suffering, and to have absolutely no regard for this fact, is in fact a mental disorder – a severe one because it has extreme consequences for all involved. This is why the world is in the state it is in, because those who really could make a difference, or should I say must make a difference, are not because they are caught up in a delusional reality where there is apparently something more important to be concerned with than the immeasurable suffering of others and ensuring that everyone has the right to a dignified life.

So, if you find yourself in a position of privilege but find yourself unwilling to do anything to change the world to a place that is best for all life, understand that you have a case of affluenza! If you find others who are living a life of privilege but who remain oblivious to the plight of others and what is really going on in this world, realize that they have a severe case of affluenza! If you see yourself as someone who wants to make a difference but finds it difficult to do so because you are caught up in your own self interest, know that you have a mild case of affluenza!

Let’s put this word to good use, just like other great terms we have coined in the new millennium through our increasing global awareness through the internet, like ‘first world problems’ – let’s highjack this word that has been coined in defense of the abuse of the elite to justify corruption, and rather start using it on a regular basis to expose it.

Day 326: The value of ranting and raving


Tonight I began working on a ‘mind construct’ – this is a technique used to deconstruct the knowledge and information of the kind which comprises the beliefs, opinions, ideas and perceptions that exist in the mind which create what is referred to as the ‘mind consciousness system’ – here I am using specific terminology that I have learned through the Desteni I Process. It is a self help and life coaching course which teaches practical tools which one can use to deconstruct their own mind, to be able to life a life if clarity that is not directed and controlled by the mind as the mind has been created and programmed by us with the influence and taint of our society and culture. A ‘mind construct’ is an invaluable tool that allows one to look at themselves in a way that is not biased and takes real work here in the physical – no guessing games or spiritual tricks, it is real technical/mechanical stuff.


The first part of doing a mind construct is simply to rant and rave – to let the mind rant and rave about whatever the point is that one is facing. The purpose of this is to provide one with the real, candid stuff of the mind, which one can then use and utilize as the content that of the mind that will be worked with and deconstructed. This is the part of the mind construct I have worked on tonight.


As usual, the ranting and raving provided me with an initial sense of relief, of just being able to ‘speak my mind’ in a way where I am not suppressing myself or hiding from myself or fearing how I might be judged. It is rare in this world that we give ourselves moments in our lives where we can be truly open and candid. But one of the other reasons we do not do this is the fact that we fear what we will uncover and discover – because everyone knows the truth of themselves is not so nice.


But this fear of ranting and raving, this fear of facing ourselves only comes from a perspective of not knowing how to deal with it, not knowing how to change it – we fear that when we rant and rave, it will be from a starting point of believing in what we are ranting and raving about, and thus may be further influenced by that mentality if we rant and rave – therefore not having the self trust, self-assurance and fearlessness of knowing that whatever it is that we uncover/discover: we can correct it, we can change it. This is understandable – we are taught in every possible way to not focus on ourselves, to not be insightful, to focus only on the superficial and the world around us – and if one does happen to be insightful and want to investigate themselves deeper, we are certainly not given any tools with which we can correct and direct that which we uncover/discover within ourselves.


But this education now here, if one is looking for it, in the Desteni I Process, or even DIP Lite, which is completely free. There are those out there who have the know-how and the willingness to teach and support others because they themselves have made a commitment to themselves to support themselves and other to make this world a place that is best for all life. There is no more reason to run, to hide, to fear, to avoid, to suppress, to judge – the solution and the tools are here – we simply have to be willing to give those tools to ourselves, to give ourselves back to ourselves, to realize that – even if don’t know yet – there is something more to this life than what we have accepted and allowed – will we accept and allow ourselves to go further and dig deeper? That is a question that we owe it to ourselves to answer with great care and consideration.

Day 240: Making a big deal out of things


In the last few days, I went through some tough points, where my mind would just race – and I mean this could last for hours on end, where my mind would just not stop and breathing and writing were my only recourse. I am doing something that I have never allowed myself to do fully, which is to face myself within a relationship – all the fear of loss, all the secret desires I have that stem from the fear of not surviving/the fear of death.


What I have to say about these kinds of experiences is that they are difficult as hell, and yet it is always in those moments when you breath and you do not accept and allow yourself to let the mind run rampant and to participate in the insanity of the thoughts and emotions and feelings that come up in the mind, it is amazing what steps forth afterwards. For instance tonight I noticed that my communication with my partner was much more effective and direct, contributing to a more healthy and effective relationship and interaction/experience with each other. The same thing can be applied when walking through any tough point – namely an addiction, because essentially those ‘tough moments’ where the mind races is just the mind going into panic mode and pulling out all stops to save itself, because it knows it is not getting the energy it needs to sustain its existence. When you get over that ‘hump’ – we’ll, you will just have to do ahead and do it to see what is possible on the other side – a whole new world opens up that you could have never imagined.


Now the point here is not to move out of one polarity extreme of negativity and just let the pendulum swing back into the extreme of positivity, as if now everything in ones world is now suddenly magically ok and to go find some point of ‘happiness’ to again continue the cycle of cycling through positive and negative mental states – that is really dangerous and for a moment tonight, I felt as if I had ‘nothing to write’ today. There is always something to write about, and when I am at that point of readiness then it is really an opportunity to take on more self-responsibility, to take on more of myself, to go deeper into myself – to step-up my process. I am living an extremely fortunate life at the moment and I really have every opportunity to support myself and contribute to make this world a better place for all life. For this, living actions are required, not mental states of positivity.


Now I have found within myself a very general tendency to make a big deal out of shit. Meaning that there is a tendency to give ‘added values’ to things, people and events in my world, whether that value is positive in nature, the point is that the value is mental in nature as it is personally given from my persona in a way that is meant to suit the way in which that persona would like to present itself and itself reality, how it would even like to interpret itself and its reality. Suffice it to say this is abusive, and really just unnecessary. I am able to do such things by justifying it as if I have some noble cause, but it is always self-serving in the end.


We have word for making something more out of what something really is – sensationalism, theatrics, drama – it is all a form of attention seeking because you are the one with the hot ‘news story’: did you know the news? It’s this new value I’ve given this thing, isn’t that new, different and exciting? So it is like within the way I have designed myself to be able to survive in this world and be able to get attention and be recognized by others, I have designed my own little propaganda machine in my own mind, that announces the news every now and again to those who apparently need to know.


This doesn’t work in real life and there are always consequences – it is a bias, it is deceptive, it is brainwashing in purely presenting something as something that it is not – even if it is a matter of a slight twist or exaggeration, this does not make it any less of what it is in essence.


The way in which I present these things always relate in some way, directly or indirectly, back to me and how I present myself – and this existing within the fear of loss: having created a persona that I then fear losing because, I know deep down that it is not real, and so I go on creating all kinds of others illusions about the things that define me to keep that self-definition alive. “school sucks, its so stupid!” (fighting for my own limitation s of not being effectively studious) “this music is so great!!” (makes me great by association for liking it) – “you are so pretty!” (makes me nice for saying it). Anyways these are just some vague examples of what I am sharing here.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fight for my own limitations by defining reality/myself as more than/less that what it really is in fact, in a way that reflects on me to present myself as something that I am not in fact, which I would like to be but am not willing to do what it takes to live it for real


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in my own reactions to myself and my reality


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see the changes in the tonality in my voice and the energy I am experiencing within myself when I speak certain words about certain people, places, things and events to see if I am in fact clear or if I am referring to knowledge and information of something to present it as something that it is not


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to yield a specific response or outcome in that which I communicate and present my reality as


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make a big deal about things, whether it be in the form of humor, drama, negativity, positivity, within the tendency to look for reactions and get attention – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to sensationalize reality and myself within the belief that I will have something more/gain some kind of power/control if I present things in such a way


I commit myself to be straightforward and direct in my communication and the way in which I present, define and recognize my reality – I commit myself to stop giving added value, positive or negative, to myself, things, people and events in my world both in my own mind and in my interaction with others


I commit myself to stop judging my reality and through such judgments, sensationalize and dramatize my reality


I commit myself to stop the tendency to present reality in a certain way to try and get a certain kind of response from others that will give me some form of recognition and reflect well on me


When and as I see myself wanting to present/explain something as exciting/cool/awesome, or as shitty/boring/stupid to other people, as that which I have defined as positive and negative in my own mind according to what will serve my own self definition – I stop, i breathe, I do not allow myself to be influenced and directed by such desires to get attention and present myself as something I am not, and I do not participate in such desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions


I commit myself to let go of the fear of what others think of me, and equalize myself to all things and never again allow myself to present myself as something more than what I am as life as to be more than, means to be less than, inevitably

Day 211: Stability in the face of the mind

I have already written before about how valuable our time on earth is and how important it is to not waste it. I tend to take for granted how much really depends on me, in terms of maybe having to take a leadership role for the moment. Sure maybe I’m not the richest, the most well educated, the most – whatever – but I do see what is going on in this world and I am willing to do what it takes to sort it out. Perhaps I am just placed in a position – due to the circumstances I was born into in this world – where I can see a few things that others do not – and therefore will have to stand within those points and assert myself. Because really, for all people talk, their actual recognition of the issues and how bad things are in this world is really limited, as their actions reflect. There is always such a limit to what we’re willing to do and how far we’re willing to go and what we’re really willing to give up to make a change for the better in this world.

Everything that we are exposed to as our media (which has been the primary education system in the world) really teaches us nothing of the real problems in this world, how bad it really is, how it really works, intimately showing the faces and lives of those who live in absolute destitution and lives where they are valued as if less than nothing. People who have money and comfortable life are so sheltered that they have no clue at all.

Where our real intentions will stand is according to where we will stand – what we will allow within our lives and within ourselves. For this reason, it is important to give up the things and the influences that keep us from fully standing. The matrix really is all around us and if you’re not careful about the information that you are allowing to exist in your mind as your thoughts, and then in your outside world as what you are living/talking about/participating in within your interactions – you will get sucked in. So along with the things I will have to give up within myself as the thoughts, words, ideas beliefs and perceptions I will have to let go of, so will there be changes in my outside world. Those are not decisions to be made hastily, influenced by an emotional or thought or feeling experience, but within self honest common sense.

Thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize the importance of every word I think, speak, and allow within my mind as how I have defined it in my mind as this determines the entire outcome of who I will be and what I will live – thus I commit myself to breathing and investigating, whether in the moment or when I have a free moment to write on paper – the words that I am thinking , speaking, participating in and living to make sure that it is in fact self honest and that which is best for all life.

I thus forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not fully investigate my reactions but rather to believe in my reactions as if they are real, not being careful as to whether they are self honest or not – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to react as a way of functioning with others to make things seem ‘normal’ and ‘flowing’ and to fear the reactions of others if I am not immediately responding/reacting as speaking

And so I commit myself to breathing to check if I am reacting to the words I am reading/hearing experiencing to see if I am reacting to them or not and I commit myself to stop reacting and to rather breathe here and to live/respond in self honest common sense as breath – even if that means at times to remain silent or speak in a way that others will not understand at that moment

I commit myself to give up/not participate in any reactions/interactions that can in no way be of any benefit to life

Day 140: Afraid of success = afraid of responsibility

With my life becoming busier more and more recently, and myself slowly but surely ‘climbing the ladder of success’, I noticed that much of my fear/anxiety/resistance to really applying myself to the utmost and living to my full potential, actually has to do with a fear of being successful. Yes, there is an element of pure laziness in this, but what is this laziness actually based in? I realized tonight that this whole fear of applying myself and becoming successful is actually based in the fear of the responsibility that comes with it.

One aspect of this that has scared me, is my own self interest. In a way I feared an ascent to success because of the nature of the person that I have been in the past within this process. Previously in my life, this ascent was spiteful and competitive in nature, where I cared only about my own self interest and would step over anyone who got in my way to get to where I wanted to be. As I have been correcting these points as myself interest, this fear has began to dissipate and self trust has been developing slowly but surely.

However, with a ‘new me’ pursuing a successful life, I know now the responsibilities that come along with being successful, as I would not be able to live with myself and look in the mirror with dignity and respect, if I did not sue my position of success/power to the best interest of all life. I know that with ever step forward, I will have to remain self honest and stop all points of self interest that would have be abuse my success/power.

So this is where resisting success and going out there into the world and applying myself/living to my full potential is created, because it is so much easier to excuse oneself from taking self responsibility when we play the ‘helpless’ character. “What can little old me do, I’m just a poor failure in life, I could never be of help in sorting this world out”. While this in itself is a lie, it seems like a better excuse in the minds eye, and wallowing in self pity and an inability to actualize self change can be a consuming experience.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self responsibility for myself by becoming a successful being in this world system who actually has the power/influence to make a difference and lasting change in this world. Within this I forgive myself that I have used the excuses of powerlessness/inferiority and self pity to not fully apply myself and live to my full potential.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate competition with self interest and thus fearing becoming competitive and competent, not realizing that competition does not intrinsically imply self interest and that I am able to compete and be successful in the world system, within the starting point of what is best for all life as utilizing success and a position of power/influence to create a new world that is best for all life

I commit myself to fully apply myself and live to my full potential in becoming competitive, competent and successful within the world systems so that I may rise to a position of power and influence so that I may have an effect in creating a world that is best for all life – within this, I commit myself to remain self honest here, within and as breath, and self investigation through self writing, as I work slowly but surely to ascend to a position of power so that I may be trusted with life and to always do what is best for all life