Tag Archives: identity

Day 337: Going beyond the mind and the reward of insight

I have talked before in this blog a out how easily the power of habit can take over, where I have found that there exist within me a desire to find a program of behavior that I can just stick to, so I can basically turn myself off and put my mind on autopilot – it is this underlying drive that exist within me, that was created within me through symbolic imprinting of experiences throughout my life, to live a kind of artificial life of artificial intelligence. It is fascinating how we as human beings become so robotized and don’t even realize it, realize that we have this tendency to want to robotize ourselves and find comfort in it.


It is an extremely effective control system because even if one has the absolute best of intentions, even if they can speak the gospel in perfect form, this intent/desire to do good is re-routed into the circular living, the circular logic (robots run on codes/programs of logic) where such intents become formatted, where ‘doing good’ becomes limited to only certain activities, and within participating in such activities in ‘autopilot mode’ where it just becomes a robotic pattern of habit, we lose ourselves – we are no longer here as breath in the physical body, but rather just existing within a program that is busy running/playing out. This is crucial because to live a life that is best for all, of real care and love for life – can never be a program, can never be defined only by certain acts – because in doing so, we deny our inherent ability to direct ourselves and live life in a way that is best for all in every moment, self directively – it is as though we do not trust ourselves/give ourselves the confidence to do so, and so abdicate such responsibility to a program. Eventually, the program takes over and becomes warped and a twisted mockery of itself, a shadow of itself, as religion and morality so often does – that is because these are, again, formatted systems of benevolence.


We as human beings are set up to do this and so our entire lives and all that we do/participate in become subject to/contextualized by this tendency to live systematically. If there are any criticisms of Destonians being robotic and merely ‘spewing the gospel’ that are valid as observations, it is due to this tendency, that, despite being educated on principles that are truly best for all life, the pre-existing tendency to format and systematize new information and behaviors can still take over – it is easy to ‘talk the Desteni talk’ – living it is a whole other story – just like Christianity or any other cosmology that has valid principles that serve life. The only difference with Desteni is the commitment to constantly self scrutinize and push self to be honest with oneself to ensure that this actually doesn’t happen, as we educate our selves to have a practical understanding of how the mind works in order to prevent this from happening, and hold a steadfast commitment to ourselves and life to persist. We work together and hold nothing as personal or sacred in terms of a moral ‘right and wrong’ – we assist and support each other and cross reference each other and do whatever is necessary to be effective in supporting each other – even if it means saying that which may be difficult for another to hear, within the principle of ‘tough love’.


I write about this point because I have had a bit of tough love myself, and found it extremely effective, as I understand how deceptive the mind is in, understanding that I am in fact my own worst enemy – and thus what may seem ‘tough’ about ‘tough love’ sometimes is merely how the mind perceives it.


Today, when working on a mind construct – which is extremely challenging because there is nothing programmed/habitual/pattern-based about it, you are walking mind constructs as the memories in your mind that influence you and limit you into patterned living, in real time – I saw the benefit of working in real time, in breaking out of habitual living, even if that habitual living seems just and righteous. It can be extremely difficult to break out at times, but the reward really is simply magnificent. I was having insights and old memories that I had long forgotten come up, I was having ‘aha!’ moments where I gained some deeper understanding into myself and my own mind, which is essentially the key to freeing me from the limitations of my mind, that really keep me enslaved. We tend to identify with our enslavement as something positive just because it becomes to habitual, we feel safe to live in ‘autopilot mode’ because we are taught that it is good and nice and to fear stepping beyond the boundaries of what we know as living life as a programmed robot.


But the reward of pushing ourselves beyond our perceived limits really are something that we can appreciate as we have never appreciated anything like it before, if we actually do it.

Day 334: The trap of comfort and what it means to live life in the moment


A couple days ago I wanted to watch a music DVD that I hadn’t seen in a few years. I remember enjoying this dvd, band and their music a lot at that time, and so when I wanted to watch it, I wanted to share it with my girlfriend as something ‘good/cool’. What I tend to forget about points such as this with regards to music is that, despite having some education as to the technical workings/aspects of music, much of what I consider ‘good’ and worth sharing is just out of personal opinion, based on personal preference. There is absolutely no objective facts that somehow state that my music is better than others, or special in any way for that matter.


Within this there is also an underlying point which is the desire to ‘connect’ with another person through sharing such personal interests as personal preferences/opinions of things I enjoy. But it is impossible to truly connect with someone on something that is based only in opinion and personal preference.


What I also notice is that because I have defined some music as ‘more valuable than other music’ and ‘special’ than others, there is almost a sense of urgency that I must share it, as if I am waging some kind of propaganda war, some kind of opinion war where I must show and give as much exposure as possible to my propaganda, to my opinions, to my preferences, and if I do not, it is as if something will be lost.


I have already been shown through many experiences that this simply does not work – to attempt to control moments within the idea of trying to ‘make something special happen’, to create some kind of special experience with special things, with special elixirs – I mean it sounds like a form of magic where I am trying to create a certain energetic experience through ‘connecting with another’ on a point of opinion – a mental connection, and thus a metaphysical connection.


This is not life, this is not something that is constant, stable, consistent – it is rather based on the characters that we believe ourselves to be, which have been programmed since birth through societal and media experiences/conditioning, which are the character/personality types that determine what are our preferences and opinions.


Life, I have found, is something that is emergent, something not necessarily predicted so specifically – though it can be predicted based on essential principles, it is not something that must take on a certain form or character. It is not something that must be so controlled and prescribed. Life is here in every moment of every experience, and every moment/experience is in fact equal – but it is our personal preferences/opinions that limit us from embracing this fully and unconditionally.


Real sharing can only come in sharing the reality of life, of being here in every moment equally in the physical reality that we all share in fact, devoid of personalized opinions and beliefs, where all moments are actually lived fully – there is not a single moment in our lives that is not a moment of value – but by looking for/trying to create moments of value/moments that are special, we miss what is already here, that life already in itself is special. I have had some fascinating experiences of understanding, interaction and personal growth when I have least expected it – and again it is not as though these moments were anything special, they were just surprisingly unseen, as the real life experience that can be had when we let go our our preprogrammed, predetermined and prescribed ideas/beliefs/opinions/notions of what life should be, of what is apparently valuable or special or meaningful.


We fear to give up that which we have preprogrammed and prescribed in our life as being special, the prescribed drugs of comfort as that which is familiar to us which keeps us drugged in a state of feeling as if ‘everything is ok’ because we feel safe and secure only experiencing and accepting and participating in what we know. But what if the only real security in life is to let go of all attempts to stick to what we have defined as secure and comfortable, to abandon all that we have grown accustomed to and comfortable with, and embrace life itself fully and completely? This is the real key to learning, to living a life where the education of life never ends and we give ourselves true purpose by living a life where we can constantly grow and become better. I mean, there is so much in this world to learn and do, it is virtually endless.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined certain things in my reality as the things that I like, based on the fact that they are familiar, known, and thus I identify with them as a way of establishing my own identity and thus establishing myself in this world within the starting point of survival as fear of loss – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made opinions about certain things in my life as being special/better than/more important than others, whether those things be music, TV shows, movies, people, places, things, animals, activities, sports, foods, – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define and limit myself according to the things, environments, people and activities that I am familiar with and accustomed to, not realizing that such points I have become attached to within the fear of surviving/losing myself, as if I am clinging onto them for dear life, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of such things, to stop defining myself by them and participating in them, and moving onto new points, embracing the unknown within the self directive principle of life and living within self honesty and self trust


Thus, when and as I see myself defining/believing certain things, people, experiences, places, environments, foods, cultures, activities, sports, animals as being more special/having more value than others, and thus wanting to stick to only participating in such points and promote such points as something special/’more than’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand the self limitation I am imposing on myself as self definition, ego and pride, and how I am limiting myself from actually embracing and living life – and thus I do not participate in such beliefs that what I identify with are special and the desire to participate in and promote them, as such desires arise in my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I commit myself to set myself free from the fear of loss/fear of losing myself that I have created as self definition, and live here as breath, embracing every new moment unconditionally within principles that are best for all life, as self trust and self honesty in embracing who I really am by letting go of self definition


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize the implications of an underlying fear of loss/fear of death/fear of losing myself, that such fears create a tendency within me to always try to find a point of habit as experiences, which I then associate with my environment and surrounding things/people, which I find comfortable because it appeases these fears by creating an experience of comfort/stability/that I am surviving well, and that I will then always try to situate myself within/define myself by such habitual living patterns and will begin to trust them because they suit my desire to survive and be comfortable, and thus no matter where I am or what I am doing, I will always try to find this point of normality/regularity/stability through habit – not seeing and realizing the point that living life is fluid and dynamic and cannot be entrapped within a point of habits/patterns which I then define myself by/associate with, and thus that the only real stability that I am able to experience is a stability that is lived as self where, no matter where I am or what I am doing or who I am with, I am stable within/as myself within the self trust of remaining here as breath and not going into the mind to create certain habits/identities within the fear of survival, and thus by remaining here as breath in self honesty, I trust myself to direct myself in a way that is best for all life, and thus myself because I am life


I commit myself to stop the tendency to associate myself with/define myself by/limit myself to being a ‘creature of habit’, wherein I look for living patterns/habits that I am comfortable with which I can then automate myself into, not realizing that this is an abdication of self, of who I am, as the breath of life that I have been given as the opportunity to realize what life is and live life here as myself in every moment, as the opportunity to create a life/self/world that is best for all, that is quite cool because it is made in the image and likeness of myself of that which I would like to give to myself/create for myself, enjoy and experience

Day 264: The desire for love makes us weak


I have heard it is said that people who are not touched and cuddled and given affection when they are infants will develop into some form of sociopath, cold and indifferent to human life.

In terms of how we define ‘caring’ and being ‘warm’ this is true: people who are not taught how to show affection and care in this particular way, will not do so. Does this mean they do not care for or harbor ill will towards their fellow man? Or does it just mean that they will not reproduce the same norms to show affection (and the keyword there is show) like nice touching, smiling, using pleasant tones of voice?

Because for all of the love and affection that goes around this way, for all of the people that show love and affection in this way to their neighbors and people in their immediate environment who can visibly see it: the world is still a mess. In fact while they are busy showing that love, the world continues to plummet into its plight without anyone coming up with a practical solution to stop it.

What would a practical solution involve? More hugs and kisses? More kind words and pleasant tonalities? Or is the last thing the world needs is this kind of love? Doesn’t the world rather require practical solutions for all the deception and evil that exist and has become systematized and scripted as our societal/legal/economic conventions?

Wouldn’t it actually be sociopathic to just focus on this kind of love/affection while ignoring these realities of our world and what may actually be necessary to be done to sort it out? I mean, given the state that the world is in, and the definition of a sociopath hinging on a clear apathy and indifference to the suffering of others, wouldn’t a sociopath then be anyone who is not taking practical steps to correct the systems in this world that are so destructive towards life?

Furthermore, if we are not doing this, but rather operating under beliefs about how this world works and that more ‘love’ as affection (as how we have defined it) is the answer, we are not only not making a difference, we are further helping this world along into it’s plight by feeding some belief that we have depended on to justify why we do not actually take real responsibility for our world. The false solution, for many of us, becomes a bubble and hiding place from which real love and caring can never be discovered.

That’s the place that I have found myself stuck in and I am virtually having to write a book to see how I have become stuck in this place, where I am starting to see that I was put in this place at a very early age when all kind of people around be were finding all kinds of ways to stimulate me into having this feeling/experience of love, this positive energetic experience, that becomes so addictive that by adulthood a person will be a total slave to their desire to get this feeling back and experience it again and will design their entire life around getting this experience, in whatever form – through friends, stuff, food, drugs, activities – whatever floats your boats and makes you feel warm and fuzzy.

I have seen in my own life how the desire for this feeling/energetic experience of love basically makes us evil. Nevermind the indirect harm done through focusing on attaining this experience: look at the lengths human beings will go to fulfill their obsessions – it is on this basis that an unimaginable amount of harm has been done in this world. The desire for love makes us weak. How the hell can I ever be of assistance and support to another when I have not even transcended by own personal desires/dependencies for recognition and attention? How can I understand others and how this world works sufficiently to make a difference if I can not even understand where my own problems, desires and limitations come from? It is a crippling addiction, to say the least.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the desire to be stimulated into a positive mental experience to control me and to have abdicated my responsibility towards myself and life, to actually live for real in the real world within a real awareness/practical understanding of how it works

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the desire for love and affection is a weakness that has been developed since a young age of experiences where I was stimulated into this feeling by adults and I accepted this stimulation and to believe it is real, that it is who I am and that this is what life is – and that I have not allowed myself to realize that to stop this addiction is going to take a lengthy process of not feeding the mind with positive energy stimulation and to investigate and understand when a desire for positive energy stimulate is persistent

I commit myself to no longer put my desire for love as how I have defined it as a positive stimulation experience above who I am, who I will be and what I will do in this world, I commit myself to stop lacing this desire above life and allowing this desire to control me

Day 250: Searching for answers in someone else’s eyes


This journal entry was written with the support of/reference to the structural resonance documents, found on the desteni.org website.

I can see how I have allowed myself to exist as inferior to life as that which I have defined myself as, as consciousness, separate to life. I can see that within this point is the tendency to create relationships and look for validation of self as that which I have defined myself as, as consciousness, through participating in certain relationship experiences that give consciousness energy. I can also see that I have been doing this for a long time, and thus there is a deeply seeded trust in this kind of living, as it was taught to me by my parents and those who went before them. I see how it shapes my tendencies of how I create relationships, and who I am within relationships. I see how it affects the importance I place on relationships, and the degree to which I will conform to others and the ways of the world, and compromise myself, to continue to maintain and participate in these old systems of living. I can see that this is a form of looking for answers from those who are just as lost as myself, looking for answers in the old system that I have placed my trust in, believing that there is ‘something there’, that there is some great answer that will make sense within the context of life as it is currently understood/lived by systems – within this, rejecting my own awareness, my own capability, my own ability to understand as myself, not trusting myself to be able to see and understand and direct myself in clarity as self honest common sense – abdicating myself – and within this, accepting a pre-programmed version of myself by trying to ‘fit into’ some idea/projection/model that I am still trying to fit into. Within all of this, tacitly accepting pre-programmed definitions of what is apparently acceptable and unacceptable, in the eyes of the world systems.

Funnily enough, a lyric from a song today popped into my head, it went “some people spend their lives in search for answers in someone else’s eyes” – and was foolish enough to immediately associate that with other people – not seeing the relevance of the point within myself.

So the point here is to stop the tendency to go looking for answers in others, and to see and identify where I am still participating in/allowing such pre-programmed designs, believing in them, following them, adhering to them, desiring them, giving power to them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to find answers in others or society, as the misplaced trust that others can grant me the answers based on that which they approve of or do not approve of

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to identify behaviors that are rooted in the tendency to trust the old systems, and to deliberately ‘not go there’ and rather find another point where I can apply myself effectively, and do so

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe/trust that others/society can provide answers and help for me where I apparently cannot, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my own self trust as self honesty as the living expression of supporting myself to find clarity and resolve in common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to replace old systems of living/participations/activities with new activities, namely the study of self and life, to be able to see what is real and direct myself in self honest common sense as clarity as that which is best for all life – no longer allowing myself to be directed/influenced by old systems of deception

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to search for intimacy, understanding and sharing in others where I am not giving intimacy, understanding and sharing to myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to embrace myself as alone in my own process as I am both my own worst enemy, and yet I hold the key to my own freedom – and by not embracing myself as alone I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that embracing others/the system.old patterns and habits of living, that I am apparently in good company and will be saved

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be saved by others/the system/my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the old systems/trust in others, as that which I have accepted and allowed myself to believe is a kind of safety net as an illusion I have created in my own mind

I commit myself to identify behaviors where I am still being influenced by the belief that I can be saved or that others have the answers, and to deliberately go out of my way when the tendency/desire to participate in such behaviors arises

I commit myself to stop the fear of letting go of old systems/ways of living

I commit myself to deliberately deviate from past patterns and rather act/apply myself in new activities that support me, and to dedicate myself to such activities, realizing/having the awareness that it will be difficult at first and will take some getting used to as it is a new way of living, and moving through the resistance as the fear of letting go of old ways/patterns/habits as that which I believe will help me

I commit myself to be intimate with myself and support myself in self honesty, and to no longer accept and allow the desire to find answers in others/society/beliefs/illusions to sabotage and enslave me

I commit myself to continue to apply myself and ensure that I am effectively walking the process of developing self trust/self honesty, to develop my ability to support myself and my ability to apply myself in working things out for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the trust have placed in the systems/society/others is based on based experiences where I got a certain ‘payoff’ as a positive energetic/mental experience wherein I believed that “this is it, this is the answer”, not realizing that I held onto this feeling/experience resonantly and came to trust in it, associating this with ‘the answer’/the meaning to life, not realizing how this desire for a feeling which I experience resonantly is what is driving me to again trust in society/others/systems and thus want to compromise and conform myself to it, abdicating my own self trust as self honesty

I commit myself to embrace myself here, alone as breath, and to stop the fear as desire that drives me back to trust old systems which I have allowed myself to justify with the belief that I can trust the mind as energy/thoughts/feelings/emotions as my preprogrammed design because apparently it works