Tag Archives: friction

Day 316: Judgment and projection: who I am in relation to others


Nothing moves unless I move myself


I have not written for the last 3 nights in a row now and after writing more consistently before that, it is amazing to see the contrast, as from not writing, I now have a compounding of points that I did not previously deal with, with the time I had available that I could have dealt with them, so now here I find myself dealing with a ‘build up’ of mental shit from the last few days where I am having to do extra work today, and not necessarily ‘reaching ahead’ to deal with my own mind as would be ideal – to be proactive and preemptive in facing myself as the mind instead of waiting for consequences to arrive. So this is the reason why today’s blog may not be focused on a specific point but deals with several points. Additionally, due to having not written and not progressed, also I have not been able to produce anything – either written or in my actions/beingness – that would be of benefit to another person, as the last time I wrote, it was brought to my attention that my post was supportive to another being, who is someone who I actually never would have expected to find self support in one of my blogs – so this also goes to show what has been ‘lost’ in not writing for just 3 days, with regards to how it has not only ill-served me but has also been a disservice to others and the world around me.


The following is from my journal entry for today:


we all have the ability to ‘turn inwards’ when we react, rather than to continually misdirect ourselves to ‘someone/somewhere out there’ where we will find no answers as we were the origin and starting point of ourselves and our own creation – thus important to remember that who we are and what we do is never about the other, and to never take my own reactions/behaviors and the reactions/behaviors of others as real/personal


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that “I am bored of another person being superficial” and within this that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame another for how I feel, not realizing that I have made myself feel this way and react this way through caring about how I look, and believing that I must be handsome/attractive in order to have people like me and to be successful in this world, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be handsome and ‘good looking’ from a starting point of fear and submitting to the system as the belief that I must present a certain picture presentation of myself and that I must meet a certain standard of ‘looking good’ as fitting a system criteria, and to believe that if I have achieved this look that apparently I am superior and special and better in comparison to others, and that if I do not, then I apparently am less/inferior and will lose and be bested by others somehow, where I fear I will somehow lose-out and have a lesser experience than that of others who I believe are unjustly having a better experience of themselves than me when I feel/believe I deserve the same experience


When and as I see myself thinking/believing that I am bored of another person because of how they make me feel – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that in fact the source of my feelings/experience of myself is me, and thus the importance of taking the point back to myself to see how I am creating this experience of reaction to another – thus I commit myself to not participate in this tendency to blame another as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – and so in this case, when the desire arises to look attractive and be superficial/vain – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by believing I must be this way and playing into this game of the system, I am accepting it at a deeper level through justifying it as being ‘for work/survival purposes only – and thus I commit myself to no longer participate in this desire/rush to be attractive and compete with others through trying to look attractive, and no longer give into these desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all I ever wanted in fact was to be equal and that the desire to compete and be better is an illusion/self deception and thus the point here is not to compete within a game of inferiority/superiority from a starting point of fear/ego but to rather remain here as breath and do the work necessary to equalize myself to myself/others as life as who we really are as life is already equal, and whether or not we choose to recognize this and live in reality as life one and equal will determine our experience of ourselves as one that is best for all life, rather than one of separation, fear and inferiority, experienced/upheld as the desire to be special and compete


I commit myself to equalize myself to others through the humbleness and humility of exposing myself and how I am in fact no different to any other humans beings, and by giving up the desire to be special and compete and have power, and within this, giving myself the key to who I really am as life, one and equal to all – I commit myself to stop the desire to win and breathe through such desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged another person/other people for being ‘shallow’ and ‘vain’ and ‘superficial’, as I realize the irony that within judging another as being shallow, I am in fact also being shallow by only ‘judging a book by its cover’, meaning that I am simply looking at the behavior of another as the outflow of their overall mentality, and by only looking at and judging this behavior, I am restricting myself from actually looking/investigating the being more deeply, and from even getting to know and understand the mentality and the history of how it was created that has resulted in the behavior, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself from ever being able to deal with a point effectively here in the moment by simply reacting out of fear of another, which is in fact the fear of myself, by judging another as being shallow


When and as I see myself judging another as being ‘shallow, vain and superficial’ – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by judging another within such a point, I am restricting myself from taking the point back to myself and thus from ever being able to direct the point, and within this, actually living the word ‘shallow’ myself by not allowing myself to look deeper into understanding the being because I am too preoccupied with my own judgments by allowing them – thus I do not participate in these judgments as my thoughts, feelings or emotions about another


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and profile others based on my own personal desires for a relationship which are born out of the fear of not having a relationship, being rejected and being alone – wherein I judge women according to how closely they ‘fit the profile’ of the ideal partner that would apparently ‘be good for me’ and within such judgments/profiling, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act on such judgments by thinking/believing that people who meet this criteria are ‘special’ and ‘to be desired’ and thus for gravitating towards/being attracted to such people – as I see and realize that such people/characteristics/attributes will not satisfy me, will not ‘complete me’ as they are only based on what will fit the desires of my ego, as an experience with someone that will just be easy where I am never challenged and never have to deal with difficult points that will have me look at and examine myself


When and as I see myself judging and profiling others according to what I believe will suit me and make me happy – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that such profiles/projections about others are based on the minds idea/ideal of the ‘perfect companion’ that only serves the mind as self interest – thus I do not allow myself to participate in such judgments of others as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I understand that ‘the grass is not greener’ on the other side and thus I am not ‘missing out’ on anything real that is to be desired.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I find someone who is not superficial and does not carry other qualities that I do not first have in me, that my life is apparently better, as I understand that this is a projection of the mind to not have to take self responsibility for who I am and what I’ve become and rather look for a ‘better half’ to ‘lead the way’ – thus I commit myself to not go looking for an ‘ideal partner’ as I see, realize and understand is based on that which I have separated myself from as higher ideals so that I do not have to live them and take self responsibility in fact


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as guilt and to act from a starting point of guilt, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the positive experience that harboring guilt actually brings me, wherein, when I act from a starting point of guilt, I get an experience/sense of relief, where I feel like I have ‘righted my wrong’ and ‘atoned for my sins’


I commit myself to stop living and acting from a starting point of guilt and to rather make the decision to change for real and no longer accept that I am flawed/guilty and that I am powerless to change for real


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be a ‘protector’ and a ‘hero’ not seeing and realizing that this point is one of the characteristics that living/acting from a starting point of guilt creates, wherein I first accept myself as ‘bad and shameful’ for who I am and what I have done, and that I cannot change it, and then rather just feel guilty and overcompensate for this by acting like the hero/protector character which exist purely as this mental projection in an attempt to be recognized by myself and others as being good/benevolent/noble/heroic, thus further justifying and seeking validation that my self belief of being inferior, unable to change, and my subsequent guilt/attempt at heroics as being real


When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to participate in/participating in habits/actions that are from a starting point of projecting myself as a hero/protector – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is not where I want to be as it is an indicator of a starting point of guilt within a belief that I am unable to change myself and thus a self acceptance of being forever flawed, and that I am only overcompensating for this self belief while not actually being real in fact, and that I am only doing this to have others recognize me as being good, and thus not really standing as goodness as a self directed decision of who I am, seeking validation and life outside of myself – and thus I do not accept myself to participate in this pattern any longer as it arises in my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behavior patterns


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged others as cute as this is not who they really are, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the shallow judgment/projection of another being ‘cute’ is actually just a positive mental experience that is based on fear of others who can harm me, which I associate with certain pictures of things that may pose a physical threat in my minds eye as a form of stereotype (for example, brutish looking men or spindly insects or reptilian animals), and thus within this fear, I will project this idea/ideal of ‘cute’ onto things that I have associated with being harmless and ‘not a threat to me’ in any way (things that are small, look like they cannot move fast, are young-looking and thus apparently innocent) – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the enjoyment of the mental experience of something being cute is in fact just based on fear and the desire to not be hurt and the experience of mental relief from my fear through experiencing something that is ‘cute’ and therefore apparently not dangerous/a threat to me


when and as I see myself judging something as being cute – I stop and breathe as I am in fact being shallow in not seeing a being as who it really is in its entirety, but rather just making a projection onto it as being something it is not, which is something ‘harmless and not a threat to me because it is too cute and thus weak’ through the association I have made between this harmlessness and certain picture presentations of what is defined as ‘cute’ – thus I do not allow myself to participate in these judgments/projections as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as these projections are based in the desire to have power and control, while placing myself as superior and the one I perceive as cute (and thus harmless) as inferior – I no longer accept and allow such condescending and demeaning judgments of others and myself, both in thought and spoken words

Day 138: Re-defining entertainment and relaxation part 3

As it was discussed in my precious blog, a real form of relaxation as leisure would be to take the time to allow the body to rest and unwind from work/activities, rather than to simply give myself a mental experience of positive stimulation that simulates a feeling of rest, that is just a form of trying to escape reality through going into alternate dimensions of the mind by stimulating memories.

What I noticed with regards to disengaging the desire to participate within these kinds of stimulation/escapes from reality, is that it is difficult, there is a lot of resistance, because I have lived-in this habit so extensively that it is like I am giving up relaxation/leisure time by not participating within it – in the brief moment that I am faced with the opportunity of stopping my participation in it, there is then like an experience of panicking, and I immediately rush/race back towards the entertainment/stimulation instead of participating within it. Thus I will have to install a support program to support myself within this experience. Before, when I would ‘choose’ to not participate, it was like very difficult, and the desire/urge to participate was still there, and it was more like I was suppressing it, by instead  just rushing work – I would never actually give myself a moment to just breathe through the energy of the desire/urge, until that energy dissipates. Considering how strong/significant the energy is, this is an essential point – to breathe through it and allow it to dissipate.

Instead of doing this, just ‘jumping into the next task’, which is to participate in something that I have defined as positive/supporting, is again a form of suppressing myself, and because I am just suppressing this desire, I have had the experience of feeling like I am trapped/caged, because this energy is still ‘pent up’ in a way – not really being released effectively before I move onto the next task. This I find leads to an experience of ‘boredom’, because the desire still exist and I am just suppressing it with something that is better but apparently still tough/difficult, because I still would see the desire as something ‘better’, then it makes the whole experience of doing the new task like difficult/boring/like I am trapped. I often get the urge to just ‘run away from it’ and do something else, not unlike what some people experience as ‘cabin fever’ – which is something I have found myself to experience recently, but it is not simply from being indoors for an extended period of time, it is because of this suppression point, without real relaxation.

Thus as a practical solution I will dedicate myself to taking walks. While anything – even walks – is able to be turned into another point of escaping/looking for more stimulation – the specific purpose of walking here is to actually allow myself to breathe through the energy and allow it to dissipate, so that I can return to doing work/tasks/responsibilities, or even to go relax and read something or go to sleep – walking is a point within which I can simply be here, and focus on breathing, and support this self application by not just staying in the same place where I am, but literally actually removing myself from the situation. Often this whole experience is taking place in front of the computer, because both a lot of my work responsibilities and entertainment/distractions can be found on the computer, and so rather than being trapped within this experience of bouncing between polarities of the ‘good stuff’ vs. ‘the bad stuff’ on the computer- I am able to actually physically remove myself – walk, breathe, focus on breathing and stopping thoughts until a point of clarity is reached wherein I will then decide what I will do next, and how I will do it, which can be done by speaking aloud once thoughts are stopped, or even just to clear my head through breathing if I already know what I am to do next.

This would then stop the experience of tension I am having with regards to being caught in between the stimulation and stress of work and play, and allow me to actually – as per its actual definition in real physical reality – relax.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed my mind to race when I have desires/urges for stimulation/the desire to escape and within this desire, bounce back and forth in my own mind between the idea of what I should not do as this desire, and what I should do as daily work responsibilities, and instead of just wanting/desiring to move from one ‘bad idea’ to another ‘good idea’ as a desire/projection of the mind – to actually give myself a moment to stop the mind as thoughts as this desire, and the opposite ‘good ideas’ that I project from this desire, and allow this energy to actually dissipate through focusing on breath until it passes.

Thus, when and as I see myself wanting/desiring to participate within entertainment/stimulation/distractions – I stop, I breathe, I physically get up and take a walk outside, and for a moment, allow myself to focus on breathing, relaxing the body and enjoying myself in this relaxation as I breathe and the energy as thoughts stop and then, when the energy has passed, I then allow myself to go back and participate within whatever work is required to be done, and I remain here as breath within it. I realize that walking in fact supports me to remove myself from my position where I am stuck sitting and thinking, as a deliberate point of support, as I am specifically walking to STOP these thoughts as this energy, and utilize this point to actually in fact relax my body through breathing, so that I may enjoy myself and stop the stress/friction that is existing within me. And so, I give myself the gift of real leisure time that support me as who I am.