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Day 334: The trap of comfort and what it means to live life in the moment

 

A couple days ago I wanted to watch a music DVD that I hadn’t seen in a few years. I remember enjoying this dvd, band and their music a lot at that time, and so when I wanted to watch it, I wanted to share it with my girlfriend as something ‘good/cool’. What I tend to forget about points such as this with regards to music is that, despite having some education as to the technical workings/aspects of music, much of what I consider ‘good’ and worth sharing is just out of personal opinion, based on personal preference. There is absolutely no objective facts that somehow state that my music is better than others, or special in any way for that matter.

 

Within this there is also an underlying point which is the desire to ‘connect’ with another person through sharing such personal interests as personal preferences/opinions of things I enjoy. But it is impossible to truly connect with someone on something that is based only in opinion and personal preference.

 

What I also notice is that because I have defined some music as ‘more valuable than other music’ and ‘special’ than others, there is almost a sense of urgency that I must share it, as if I am waging some kind of propaganda war, some kind of opinion war where I must show and give as much exposure as possible to my propaganda, to my opinions, to my preferences, and if I do not, it is as if something will be lost.

 

I have already been shown through many experiences that this simply does not work – to attempt to control moments within the idea of trying to ‘make something special happen’, to create some kind of special experience with special things, with special elixirs – I mean it sounds like a form of magic where I am trying to create a certain energetic experience through ‘connecting with another’ on a point of opinion – a mental connection, and thus a metaphysical connection.

 

This is not life, this is not something that is constant, stable, consistent – it is rather based on the characters that we believe ourselves to be, which have been programmed since birth through societal and media experiences/conditioning, which are the character/personality types that determine what are our preferences and opinions.

 

Life, I have found, is something that is emergent, something not necessarily predicted so specifically – though it can be predicted based on essential principles, it is not something that must take on a certain form or character. It is not something that must be so controlled and prescribed. Life is here in every moment of every experience, and every moment/experience is in fact equal – but it is our personal preferences/opinions that limit us from embracing this fully and unconditionally.

 

Real sharing can only come in sharing the reality of life, of being here in every moment equally in the physical reality that we all share in fact, devoid of personalized opinions and beliefs, where all moments are actually lived fully – there is not a single moment in our lives that is not a moment of value – but by looking for/trying to create moments of value/moments that are special, we miss what is already here, that life already in itself is special. I have had some fascinating experiences of understanding, interaction and personal growth when I have least expected it – and again it is not as though these moments were anything special, they were just surprisingly unseen, as the real life experience that can be had when we let go our our preprogrammed, predetermined and prescribed ideas/beliefs/opinions/notions of what life should be, of what is apparently valuable or special or meaningful.

 

We fear to give up that which we have preprogrammed and prescribed in our life as being special, the prescribed drugs of comfort as that which is familiar to us which keeps us drugged in a state of feeling as if ‘everything is ok’ because we feel safe and secure only experiencing and accepting and participating in what we know. But what if the only real security in life is to let go of all attempts to stick to what we have defined as secure and comfortable, to abandon all that we have grown accustomed to and comfortable with, and embrace life itself fully and completely? This is the real key to learning, to living a life where the education of life never ends and we give ourselves true purpose by living a life where we can constantly grow and become better. I mean, there is so much in this world to learn and do, it is virtually endless.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined certain things in my reality as the things that I like, based on the fact that they are familiar, known, and thus I identify with them as a way of establishing my own identity and thus establishing myself in this world within the starting point of survival as fear of loss – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made opinions about certain things in my life as being special/better than/more important than others, whether those things be music, TV shows, movies, people, places, things, animals, activities, sports, foods, – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define and limit myself according to the things, environments, people and activities that I am familiar with and accustomed to, not realizing that such points I have become attached to within the fear of surviving/losing myself, as if I am clinging onto them for dear life, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of such things, to stop defining myself by them and participating in them, and moving onto new points, embracing the unknown within the self directive principle of life and living within self honesty and self trust

 

Thus, when and as I see myself defining/believing certain things, people, experiences, places, environments, foods, cultures, activities, sports, animals as being more special/having more value than others, and thus wanting to stick to only participating in such points and promote such points as something special/’more than’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand the self limitation I am imposing on myself as self definition, ego and pride, and how I am limiting myself from actually embracing and living life – and thus I do not participate in such beliefs that what I identify with are special and the desire to participate in and promote them, as such desires arise in my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I commit myself to set myself free from the fear of loss/fear of losing myself that I have created as self definition, and live here as breath, embracing every new moment unconditionally within principles that are best for all life, as self trust and self honesty in embracing who I really am by letting go of self definition

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize the implications of an underlying fear of loss/fear of death/fear of losing myself, that such fears create a tendency within me to always try to find a point of habit as experiences, which I then associate with my environment and surrounding things/people, which I find comfortable because it appeases these fears by creating an experience of comfort/stability/that I am surviving well, and that I will then always try to situate myself within/define myself by such habitual living patterns and will begin to trust them because they suit my desire to survive and be comfortable, and thus no matter where I am or what I am doing, I will always try to find this point of normality/regularity/stability through habit – not seeing and realizing the point that living life is fluid and dynamic and cannot be entrapped within a point of habits/patterns which I then define myself by/associate with, and thus that the only real stability that I am able to experience is a stability that is lived as self where, no matter where I am or what I am doing or who I am with, I am stable within/as myself within the self trust of remaining here as breath and not going into the mind to create certain habits/identities within the fear of survival, and thus by remaining here as breath in self honesty, I trust myself to direct myself in a way that is best for all life, and thus myself because I am life

 

I commit myself to stop the tendency to associate myself with/define myself by/limit myself to being a ‘creature of habit’, wherein I look for living patterns/habits that I am comfortable with which I can then automate myself into, not realizing that this is an abdication of self, of who I am, as the breath of life that I have been given as the opportunity to realize what life is and live life here as myself in every moment, as the opportunity to create a life/self/world that is best for all, that is quite cool because it is made in the image and likeness of myself of that which I would like to give to myself/create for myself, enjoy and experience

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Day 326: The value of ranting and raving

 

Tonight I began working on a ‘mind construct’ – this is a technique used to deconstruct the knowledge and information of the kind which comprises the beliefs, opinions, ideas and perceptions that exist in the mind which create what is referred to as the ‘mind consciousness system’ – here I am using specific terminology that I have learned through the Desteni I Process. It is a self help and life coaching course which teaches practical tools which one can use to deconstruct their own mind, to be able to life a life if clarity that is not directed and controlled by the mind as the mind has been created and programmed by us with the influence and taint of our society and culture. A ‘mind construct’ is an invaluable tool that allows one to look at themselves in a way that is not biased and takes real work here in the physical – no guessing games or spiritual tricks, it is real technical/mechanical stuff.

 

The first part of doing a mind construct is simply to rant and rave – to let the mind rant and rave about whatever the point is that one is facing. The purpose of this is to provide one with the real, candid stuff of the mind, which one can then use and utilize as the content that of the mind that will be worked with and deconstructed. This is the part of the mind construct I have worked on tonight.

 

As usual, the ranting and raving provided me with an initial sense of relief, of just being able to ‘speak my mind’ in a way where I am not suppressing myself or hiding from myself or fearing how I might be judged. It is rare in this world that we give ourselves moments in our lives where we can be truly open and candid. But one of the other reasons we do not do this is the fact that we fear what we will uncover and discover – because everyone knows the truth of themselves is not so nice.

 

But this fear of ranting and raving, this fear of facing ourselves only comes from a perspective of not knowing how to deal with it, not knowing how to change it – we fear that when we rant and rave, it will be from a starting point of believing in what we are ranting and raving about, and thus may be further influenced by that mentality if we rant and rave – therefore not having the self trust, self-assurance and fearlessness of knowing that whatever it is that we uncover/discover: we can correct it, we can change it. This is understandable – we are taught in every possible way to not focus on ourselves, to not be insightful, to focus only on the superficial and the world around us – and if one does happen to be insightful and want to investigate themselves deeper, we are certainly not given any tools with which we can correct and direct that which we uncover/discover within ourselves.

 

But this education now here, if one is looking for it, in the Desteni I Process, or even DIP Lite, which is completely free. There are those out there who have the know-how and the willingness to teach and support others because they themselves have made a commitment to themselves to support themselves and other to make this world a place that is best for all life. There is no more reason to run, to hide, to fear, to avoid, to suppress, to judge – the solution and the tools are here – we simply have to be willing to give those tools to ourselves, to give ourselves back to ourselves, to realize that – even if don’t know yet – there is something more to this life than what we have accepted and allowed – will we accept and allow ourselves to go further and dig deeper? That is a question that we owe it to ourselves to answer with great care and consideration.

Day 258: 24-Hour Abstinence Challenge

Image

When titling this blog, it took a few tries until I got the spelling of this word correct. Normally I am decent when it comes to spelling – I have sometimes wondered if my inability to spell a words spells the fact that I haven’t grasped that word, both in the memory of copying the word itself as well as the definitions/concepts it embodies.

In recent blog posts I have written about prioritizing that which is important, about living my life to it’s full potential, living without regret, in a way where I don’t end my days feeling unfulfilled and wanting for more. Within this, I have more clearly identified for myself that which I would like to do, what are some things I would like to get done and accomplish, some ways I would like to live. I have also identified what is problematic in my life, in terms of old habits that have no real value, and only serve to keep me from full transitioning into a new being, a new way of living life – I could really do so much more if I did not allow such pointless things to hold me back. 

As it has always been for me in this process, stopping any old habit is the same as stopping an addiction – it does not come naturally at all, or without resistance and withdrawal. I have screwed myself in the past by not being realistic about how to go about stopping long-standing habits/addictions, where I ended up getting false expectations and creating ideals about how well I was going to do, and then only ended up in disappointment and discouragement. Stopping a habit/addiction had become a form of abstinence that was really just a suppression, where I would try really really hard to just stop and keep stopping and the whole thing was very energetically driven and tiring – and eventually I would fail – yet I set myself up for failure.

I have began to learn how to walk practically, within the understanding that change is a process that requires more than just stopping, that I require support through writing and doing the necessary study and investigation to ensure that I am stopping with understanding. When I have stopped other habits/addictions in the past, because it came so unnaturally, with so much resistance, I had to actually first do a 24 hour abstaining period, just to break the habit and physically come to terms with stopping – in a way, I had to make decisions that were a form of tough love on myself, not giving myself any other options. Usually, after breaking the habit initially, things would get easier over time, and at the very least, I was giving myself a window to support myself, with clarity, without any backdoors or ulterior motives, or being under the influence of still being dead-smack in the middle of a habit/pattern, just in between doses.

24 hours really isn’t much to ask, either. It is the least I can do, and I owe it to myself, to life, to give myself the chance – no matter how much I resist, or feel as though I am ‘missing out on something’ – I mean that is just withdrawal talking. Thus I am dedicating myself to a minimum of 24 hours of stopping old habits/patterns that really contribute nothing to life. I won’t discuss here the specifics of what some of these habits are – one could gather from reading past blogs, or just use your imagination – I am a fairly ‘normal guy’ when it comes to time-wasting habits – but it doesn’t so much matter what we are wasting our time with as it does the fact that we are wasting away the bit of time we are gifted with while here on this earth.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to give myself a chance to break free from old habits/patterns that serve to keep me lost and from completely making the transition into a new life, using the experience of feeling overwhelmed, like I cannot do it, as a justification, due to past experiences where I set myself for disappointment and failure by not being practical about how to go about stopping habits/addictions – within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to test the point of stopping through giving myself the time and space to stop with simple commitments that are manageable and reasonable to ask of myself and do, to give myself the breathing room/time/space to support myself with more clarity than I otherwise would have while stuck in the middle of a habit/pattern, not realizing and understanding that stopping must be accompanied with self study and understanding, and not enforced on the physical like some unreasonable ultimatum, imposed with force as a for of suppression

I commit myself to live 24 hours without giving into an old habit/pattern of wasting time with various distractions/entertainments/preoccupations and to, within this experience, support myself with breathing and writing – when and as I see the desire to participate in an old pattern arise in my thoughts : I stop, I breathe, I remember my 24 hour commitment to myself as life, I see and understand that the desire to participate in old habits/patterns is simply the mind having withdrawal and using the illusion/belief that I am ‘missing out on something’ – and thus I do not allow myself to participate in these thoughts/this energy as desire, and continue to move myself throughout my day, here as breath.

Day 218: On peace and freedom

Freedom peace equality

One thing I realized about my tendency to want to escape reality, which is something that most people are doing in some form or another, is that it is due to how I have defined reality as being so stressful and difficult, a hardship, like a constant struggle, a war. So within this naturally there is a desire for peace. And within feeling so trapped, not knowing how things work or a way out, there is also a strong desire for freedom. That’s essentially how I have defined peace and freedom – as the momentary perceptual escape through the intoxicating energy experience of good feelings, where you escape reality for a moment because you’re lost in a delusion/illusion and it just feels so good. That is not peace or freedom, it is just how I have defined it. My initial impression of life, how it seemed to be, how it was presented, is not at all the case in reality.

Now it’s time to investigate the words ‘freedom’ and ‘peace’. This is a habit that I am developing in my writing and investigation, is to look into words and see the disparity between the reality of what words are to represent, and the unreality of how I have defined them in my own mind.

Freedom:

1. The condition of being free; the power to act, speak or think without externally imposed restraints

2. Immunity from an obligation or duty

 

Looking at freedom, I can see that the condition of being free is the power to act, speak or think from externally exposed constraints. So this brings me back to my initial impression of the world and people and how it was all presented to me, and how I adopted this definition within my self – I personalized it and it became my personal lies. This is what is so fascinating about the mind is that while these conditions are externally imposed on us, it is us who adopt them. So the key here is to not allow that imposition to exist, as an influence over my actions, my speaking, my mind. The key here is also no longer allowing myself to subscribe to this idea of peace/freedom, that is in fact a part of these ‘externally imposed constraints’ as the belief that I am escaping them through activities which create good feelings within me. The second is the point of freedom is immunity from obligation or duty. What is that ‘immunity’? It is the immunity to the stress and mental reactions which obligation and duty have always created within me, due to how I experienced obligation and duty, and what I believed/defined it to be, and thus the stress as thoughts/feelings/emotions that was created within it has been automatically associated – so the point here is to not try to escape the duty or even the mental experience that it creates within me, but rather to understand it, to forgive myself for it and stop it in the moment through breathing.

 

Peace:

1. The state prevailing during the absence of war

2. Harmonious relations; freedom from disputes

3. The absence of mental stress or anxiety

Looking at the first definition, what I am looking for in the experience of peace is again the freedom from the mental friction created from daily life interactions and activities, as that mental friction is literally like a state of war on the body. The same can be said for the second definition about harmony and freedom from disputes – triggering conflict within me as reactions to my daily experiences. And then of course the third definition shows this point quite directly.

Another dimension of this is believing in something outside of myself, a thing, a person, and activity – whatever it is – there is something outside of myself which I give power to by believing that it can bring me this happy/positive energy experience by stimulating things that actually exist only within my own mind. It is a form of believing in a savior except the savior is just giving you and illusion and actually fucking you up badly, in reality. This is critical because within the belief that something else determines me or can save me, is implied that I cannot save myself, that I am not the directive principle – and that goes both ways – that I am both the one who is in fact creating those positive feelings/experiences, and the negative ones too! And thus understanding that if it is me who is creating them, it is me who can stop them, and will stop them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear dealing with bullshit, and investigating ALL things, due to not trusting myself to remain here and not react and direct myself within such experiences

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within the belief that I can trust my mind and that I must participate in the mind, believe that the experience of good feelings as an escape from reality is real freedom or real peace

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define freedom and peace as a positive feeling experience or a rush of positive feelings as excitement, within the desire to escape my reality within the belief that ‘reality’ is the negative mental experience that I have had of myself in the past

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that life, living and experiencing myself must be difficult, a strife, a war, a struggle, through creating a mental impression/representation of life in my mind and then believing this experience to be real/me/life – not realizing that I am able to stand here within and as reality and face myself/my reality through breathing through reactions to my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the illusion of positivity and good feelings is in fact sustaining the existence of the illusion of negativity as both exist within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in positive feelings and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that things that make me feel good can save me

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am in fact the one creating positive and negative mental experiences within me through allowing myself to participate in them if they are stimulated, and thus it is I who have the directive principle – not that which stimulates the mental experience within me

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that real peace and freedom are a self expression of the certainty that I will support myself and the dedication that I will do whatever is necessary to support myself – namely, to investigate the mind and breathe through mental experiences – and that real peace and freedom ‘exist from within’, meaning that true, lasting peace and freedom (among other things like joy, understanding and love) exist as the expression of me supporting myself here in the moment to be free from the mind and not allow myself to participate in the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions as reactions

I commit myself to stop all reactions and learn a new way – the way of learning and breathing, the way of existing, the way of being here, the way of life

I commit myself to never give up on myself by giving into the illusion of positive feelings and that I have no power/self directive principle, and to never again allow myself to believe that positive feelings as energy is life/the answer

I commit myself to stop all positive illusions so that I have the strength, freedom and peace of mind to take on the negative and sort out the evil that has come to exist within/as me and this world

I commit myself to face and stop and deconstruct all that which I have allowed myself to define as positive and negative so that I am not influenced/controlled by illusions that would have me abuse life

I commit myself to give up faith and trust in the mind and stop all mental experiences so that I may be able to exist/experience myself as life/who I really am and never again abuse myself or another

Day 203: Releasing myself from sexual images in the mind

Today I woke up with a lot of built up energy, as well as my sexual images in the mind from past experiences – the two points are connected.

In reading Creation’s Journey to Life I have come to understand how over time energy builds up through thinking, which then requires release through sex – yet at the same time the point is not to keep going through this cycle of building up energy and releasing it but to also stop the constructs within my mind that create the friction in my mind/life from which the energy is produced. Through over the course of about 5 days the energy has now built up within me and I notice that it is only when this happens (as it does regularly if I do not have sex or masturbate) that sexual images and thoughts arise in the mind – so I sometimes take for granted how many sexual images I have imprinted in my mind as they only tend to start coming out when the energy is built up and I need a release.

How do I release myself from the grip of these images that haunt me in my mind? How do I stop this mental addiction?

Firstly, I stop my participation within them, no matter how tempting it is – because I must begin to recognize that I have only made an association with them to sex in my mind – but that is not reality. The reason it is so tempting is because I have associated the images with sex/release so extensively that I fear: no images, no sex and therefore – no release – becoming completely dependent on these images as a pornographic mind to be able to enjoy the release of sex!

Sex is after all a physical act, so it doesn’t make sense to allow a physical act to be controlled by mental images, I mean it doesn’t make sense to allow any aspect of my life to be controlled by mental images. I had written in some recent blogs about how I noticed during my last sexual interaction that these images started to come up, and realizing how dependent I had become on them to be able to have sex. This is even more than dependency, it is a form of enslavement – I have been enslaved to this way of being dependent on mental images to move myself (or rather to be moved) for as long as I can remember and the pain of not being able to attain/experience these images that are in my mind, sucks! It is like being addicted to drugs where I am in this constant cycle of seeking out the experience of attaining these images and then going through withdrawal and yearning when I cannot attain/experience them. I must realize the real value of these images as they are not to be linked to real sexual interaction – that is just the association I have made – the real value of them is thus nothing more than dependency, limitation, delusion and enslavement.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an association between mental sexual images and the physical experience of having sex and releasing energy, believing that I am dependent on these images – which contain within them a positive energetically charged experience wherein I experience myself as more than as being dominant and having power – to be able to enjoy myself sexually and express myself sexually and have a sexual interaction/release

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give up these sexual mental images and to fear breathing through them as they arise due to the association I have made between them and sex, and the dependency that I have created on them to have sex, believing that I require them to have a sexual interaction and thus fearing that if I give them up, I will not be able to experience sex

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that giving up the idea of sex as mentally imprinted pictures from past experiences, is the same as giving up the act of sex itself – when I am in fact only giving up the past and that the opposite is true: by not giving up the past, I am giving up the ability to actually have sex here in the present reality as I am still stuck in illusions of the past as mental images – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist breathing through these images as they arise

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the real value of the sexual images that exist in the mind is that of self deception, self sabotage, limitation, dependency and enslavement and thus the value of letting go of such images unconditionally to for the first time set myself free from the mind control of sexual images

I commit myself to practice living and breathing through these sexual images arising within me – I commit myself to practice breathing through these images arising as I have sex and masturbate

I commit myself to stop the fear of giving up these images

I commit myself to give up the idea that if I do not participate in sex based on these images/this energy, that I am missing out on ‘something more’

I commit myself to see what is possible and what sex can really be through dedicating myself to giving up these images and this energy attached to these images

I commit myself to stop acting based on the desire to experience/attain these images

Day 189: Is Desteni a scam? Part 3

Here I am continuing with my first hand testimonial on the Desteni group and principles for which it stands and by which its participants live.

Time went on and I my life continued to get more difficult and all kinds of challenges came up. Naturally as this happened, having already found what Desteni shared were practical tools to support myself through my journey, I continued to research the material, trying to better understand myself and the situations I found myself in. One thing I found was that applying myself fully, stopping my habits and addictions and living in complete self honesty, completely forgiving myself, was very difficult. I would want do live one way, and have such strong intent to do so, and then all of a sudden completely fall from my intent back into old ways. There were some points about me that I couldn’t even fathom giving up or changing, some points that I wasn’t even aware of, and some that I simply said ‘I don’t want to give these up – they’re too great!’. This despite me knowing the importance of self change and the vast implications of what it actually would mean to change myself – that this was something that I must do for life, and how shameful it would be if I couldn’t bring myself to do such a thing.

Therefore in the times where I had been weak and consciously strayed from the principles of oneness and equality as what I knew was best, I could never find it within myself to justify my actions and find some way to claim that I was self righteous or that the Desteni message/what was necessary to be done in self change, was in any way flawed. It was I who had become flawed and in light of such principle I was humbled and shamed. Shame here not being an unhealthy thing – because it was shame in the face of the standard of what I knew was best, and therefore how I was letting myself down, how I was ‘letting life down’, if I could put it that way.

After some time of researching the material, I became interested in visiting the farm in South Africa and seeing it all for myself. Eventually, after a year of living in Thailand because of a new job, I got the opportunity to go visit the farm in South Africa. Because of how difficult I was finding my own process, as much as I wanted to go to the farm, I was extremely nervous all the way until I arrived at the farm. Interestingly, the closer I got to the farm, the more my nerves cooled.

The farm was an amazing experience in that I really got to unwind and experience myself in a social environment unlike any other I had ever been in. People enjoyed themselves. They lived simply in terms of there being no social bullshit, no drama. People did not tend to be obsessive with relationships and band together (or quarrel) just for the sake of it, just for the sake of their own egos. Interaction was direct, specific and always supportive. That’s what it was all about, with everyone I interacted with – supporting each other – imagine an entire world community like that. Working on the farm was an experience unlike any other because it was within no hierarchical context, there was never any kind of pressure except for the pressure I had become accustomed to putting on myself. I learned a lot from the people there, every day was interesting, and I would even get some very specific support to assist me with exactly where I was at in my own process – all of this completely free. They were even kind enough to take care of me financially while I stayed on the farm. What other ‘total strangers’ do you know that would do this for you? This is why when some make claims that Desteni is a scam – always from a distance of course – I have to laugh at the absurdity of it. All the support I had ever received was free, in return receiving nothing but personal growth, self improvement, clarity and stability, and in turn being able to assist and support others with that which I had been fortunate to have been given.

Times however even got difficult for myself while on the farm as even here, I was still alone with myself and still my own worst enemy, and I found it hard to completely let go of some of my habits. I had always judged myself intensely for what I had become, and I had always almost expected that one day, someone would come at me and call me out and be like yelling and screaming at me for how fucked I was – but it never happened. I was given complete and utter support for all that I had become, with all my fuckups and imperfections, and all without even a tinge of judgment. Why? because here among Destonians is where the principle of oneness and equality is actually lived.

To be continued in part 4