Tag Archives: fight

Day 332: Self projection – reacting towards others

 

During the last 10 months I have been in a relationship, and for most of that time, it has been a long distance relationship. If anyone has done this, or even if not, I’m sure you can imagine how challenging it is. Complete trust is already a very difficult thing for most people to establish their relationships, so doing it when you actually have no idea what the other person is doing makes it extra challenging. Although I do know enough to know that a relationship should not be about controlling another – that I should rather first focus on myself in establishing self trust, as that is the real point of importance – this knowledge has not always made the experience easier. There have still been plenty of fears and reactions on my part – this knowledge of the importance of focusing on myself first, and that my fears as my thoughts/reactions about are not to be trusted, has mainly just stopped me from making major decisions based on my reactions, which I am grateful for. I am grateful that I did not allow myself to make a rash decision to end the relationship out of a fear or emotional reaction.

 

Now, being back with my partner for a couple months, I can see just how much of my reactions were simply not real, they were just me reacting. It is fascinating how our reactions to others, how we see them, what we believe of them, what we think is going on with them, has absolutely nothing to do with them, it is just ourselves projecting our shit onto them. It seems that this has just become so habitual that we tend to not see it, we live in a total culture of blame, where our desire to control our reality and others is so engrained, where we have given this desire so much power, belief and validity, that it becomes automatic to see and judge others in our reality in a certain way, so that we can justify what we believe they apparently must be or do.

 

Look at how often there is someone or something in our lives that we become obsessed with that is apparently ‘the enemy’, that is apparently ‘wrong’, that apparently must change – this is a very clever deception of the mind because, sure, we know the world and other people are not perfect, so there is a good likelihood that there are problems that exist ‘out there’ outside of ourselves – but to place focus ‘out there’ outside of ourselves and become obsessive is actually the trap that ensnares us to ensure that we never have any effect in changing anything in our reality. I noticed this pattern for myself in my life, that there is always something to be obsessed with that is apparently ‘the problem in my life’, whether it is a person, thing, circumstance – whatever.

 

So this experience has taught me to not judge or assume that I know what is going on with another, and generally speaking, to not even put the focus/emphasis on another so much, but to rather realize that if I am reacting to another, then that another is just serving as a mirror to show me that it is in fact just me reacting, and that I must investigate myself and why I am reacting, that I must investigate the very point of why I am focusing on another so much in the very first place, when it is myself that requires the most attention from myself. We can only change ourselves and it is through the example we live through completely and unconditionally focusing on being honest with ourselves, forgiving ourselves and correcting ourselves, that we can make a difference in the lives of others.

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Day 311: Re-defining ignorance, part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to utilize ignorance as a way of escaping my reality and fulfilling self interest within the notion that ‘ignorance is bliss’, wherein if I just ignore my reality and remain uneducated while preoccupying myself with entertainment and useless distractions, I believe that my life and experience of myself will somehow be better, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give ignorance a positive charge

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use ignoring people as a weapon within an energetic experience of spitefulness wherein I use ignoring someone as a way of saying ‘fuck’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stop and realize that I am in fact reacting towards another and that this is only out of fear of what another can do to me which is in fact just the fear of myself as how I exist within my own thoughts about others – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that is in fact impossible from a certain perspective as I require to interact with others in order to exist and co-exist and that ignoring others is not the answer as that which is bothering me which I fear is not others in fact by my own thoughts, feelings and emotions and thus it is pointless to ignore others when in fact I am the creator of my experience and it is my thoughts which disturb me – not others – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore others within/as a point of blame and as a way of not having to face myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and ignore my own thoughts by focusing on others and then trying to ignore others – not seeing and realizing that the only thing that is necessary to ignore is the desire to give into my own reactions/thoughts and that this is the only way that ignoring can ever be valid: ignoring the desire to ignore others and react/give into my thoughts/feelings/emotions as this is useless and not self directive

I commit myself to take self responsibility for my own thought and to not ignore them and remain ignorant to the truth of myself as my own reactions as thoughts/feelings/emotions – and within this, I commit myself to stop the tendency to ignore others as a way of believing my inner reactions to be real and believing that others are the problem, and thus the tendency to want to ignore others as a way of being spiteful/saying ‘fuck you’

when and as I see myself wanting/desiring to ignore others/my reality – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that what I am reacting to is in fact my own fears as my thoughts/feelings emotions that may only present themselves as being about others when they are in fact about me and how I am existing and that the only solution here is to direct my attention to my own reactions and forgive/correct them, by investigating what was the reaction, what was it’s nature and what is it showing me about me, which holds the key to correcting such a point and no longer fearing others/creating the desire to ignore others – thus I take self responsibility for who I am and do not give into the desire to ignore others within blame, as this desire arises as my thoughts/feelings/emotions

I commit myself to remain here and face my thoughts and stop all tendencies to ignore my thoughts and my inner and outer reality – I remain here within the understanding that I am the directive principle/creator of how I experience myself and thus I am able to direct myself as I would like accordingly always as long as I remain here, aware, facing myself and all that is here without fear of myself, projected as the fear of others

Day 154: Attack of the dogs – fight or flight and the desire to compete


Today a fascinating, unpleasant experience. It was night time and I was going for a walk to a restaurant that I regularly go to. While I was walking towards the restaurant, there is a small area that I entered where there is heavy construction that was dimly lit, so there were not many people around except for the people in vehicles driving by. It is not common to see people walking alone to get to where they need to go here in Thailand, and in this country there is a problem with stray dogs. They are everywhere, as their populations are simply not controlled and the dogs aren’t really taken care of in any way. Anyways, I was walking towards the restaurant and noticed one of the dogs, I walked by it and simply kept my distance, but while I had passed it I kept looking back to see that I was not being followed from behind (that has happened to me before already). The dog started to become agitated and began antagonizing me, barking, and encroaching on me. I turned around fully and walked backwards, becoming fearful and sort of going into a ‘fight or flight’ mode. I tried stopping and showing aggression for a moment hoping if I intimidated the dog, it would back off, however this was an empty threat because I would really rather not have to fight a dog – or anything for that matter. The dog called my bluff and became more aggressive, I turned and fortunately saw a platform that was about 5 feet high, so I ran and jumped up on it.

After that, I saw 3 other dogs come out of nowhere.

Now I noticed that the dogs were barking at other people driving by on their motorcycles, but seemingly at random. I didn’t notice them becoming aggressive enough with a person that they full-out pursued one to attack it, they must of just been looking for easy targets.

Now while I have had dogs run at me while I was on a motorcycle, I was able to simply drive away. It scared me once when this happened, but nothing came of it, although it seemed like a close call. I’m not sure how I managed to get away without being bit, it seemed as if he could have lunged at me and gotten a piece if it so wished. If this were the case, I would not like to see my reaction, because I could see myself being so angry that I would vengefully make sure this animal that hurt me died or was hurt very badly. In a way I really don’t blame the dogs, they are hungry and treated like shit by humans, so it is no wonder they are the way they are.

Anyways, back to tonight. Once I was on the platform, the dogs seemed to stop caring – again I guess they wanted an easy target. While I was on the platform, I started looking for sticks that I could use as protection once I got off the platform. When the dogs walked far enough away from the platform, I jumped off and went back in the direction from which I came. Eventually, while walking back, I saw a stick that would work well as protection. I started heading back in the direction to go to the restaurant, and there were all 4 dogs again. They were barking at me and as soon as I went near the area, they began encroaching on me again. Knowing I simply didn’t want to have to fight the dogs, I decided to cancel my plan completely to go eat at this restaurant, and I headed in the opposite direction, figuring that I could simply find food if I looked. When I arrived back at my hotel, there were other dogs which I immediately noticed, I became anxious as I made eye contact with the first dog because this dog actually snuck up on me yesterday to attack me, but did not manage too simply because another person who happened to be driving by pointed the dog out to me and then scared the dog away. So, when I saw the dog and became anxious, I immediately started running to the hotel door as it was nearby.

When I got inside, I told the hotel owner about the dogs. He went out the door and began yelling at them and chasing them, throwing the stick I had at the closest dog – and he hit the dog, which let out a loud yelp. It was pretty fucked.

So afterwards I told the hotel owner about my experiences. He simply instructed me to not be afraid, that this was the solution. I somewhat believe him that this would work, but then I wonder – what if I were attacked by an entire group of dogs? And even if I were the victor, what about the poor fucking dogs? I asked another girl who is staying at the hotel about it – she also said to not be afraid and not run, that they will sense the fear. I told her that I did not want to hurt the dogs. She then instructed me to simply stand still, with my hands at my side like a tree, that this would work. And I asked her: “so you simply breathe through the fear?” to which she replied “yes”.

I want to accept this as a solution, but I fear that I am being unrealistic, that sometimes, because of how fucked the world is, there is simply nothing one can do in the moment, in this kind of situation, but to stand and fight

But, if I were to consider her suggestion, then at the very least, it would be to stop this overall fear of being attacked – which I am willing to work on. Whether or not I am required to do something unpleasant, I’m not sure that having fear existent within me is ever valid.

But my tendency now is actually to overcompensate for the fear by becoming aggressive – is this self defence? Or am I accepting my fear further? Or is it my fear of hurting the dogs that is holding me back – that I am unwilling to accept the reality that ‘things really are that fucked up’, and thus, beware of the dogs. At this point, I really have no idea, because as I had mentioned, the attacks really seemed unprovoked and I am not the only one who gets attacked. So, what am I certain of? That fear cannot be valid and must be forgiven, and that I also have noticed a pattern in my thoughts where I fear being attacked by others – not just dogs – because I fear what others think of me – but I see now that it is me that is the aggressive one, as when I have these thoughts, I am busy then reacting to my own thoughts by going into imagination of what I could/would do or say to others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear others, including street dogs.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is my own belief that it is necessary to be aggressive with others and spite others/hurt others in order to be successful/win/rise to the top, that pushes me to fear others – even dogs – doing the same thing to me – and thus if I must stop this point of aggression within myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that stopping fear as desire is the key to stopping all fear

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration that danger do in fact exist in this world and thus security is a required practicality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear hurting another physically – if it is necessary in the moment – as I am existing within pre-conceived ideas of morality, and not actually considering or realizing the fact that I am currently already harming beings on earth – both directly and indirectly – mainly indirectly, through the abuse caused through my participation in surviving within the world system, although if I were to fully consider this then I am able to point to instances like insects, which I directly kill

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within fear of loss, become extremely competitive as the desire to spitefully beat others in competition, not realizing that it is this spiteful drive to compete and be successful that is attracting spitefulness and aggression into my life, as I project this spiteful competitive desire to win onto others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be competitive within myself, within my own mind as how I place myself within my world, in order to succeed and be happy – not realizing that this desire to be competitive and win is based in the fear of loss and spiteful in nature

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am in fact competing all the time – whether it is intentionally spiteful or not – it is tacitly spiteful by virtue of how the system works and thus this competition can only ever be justified as a way of utilizing the position of being a winner to have a position where I have the power to change the world in ways that is best for all – and thus to do this, I must continue to compete in my world through my utilizing the world systems to be successful, yet I am not required to be ‘of the systems’ of competition/spitefulness by allowing these points to exist within me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see that the fear of hurting another/ animal/dog is actually the projection of my fear and desire to compete/be spiteful, wherein I go into polarities of ‘fight or flight’ where I either want to run and not face that which is being presented to me in my world, or I want to stand my ground and fight (or even bluff my way to a ‘win’)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that spiteful completion and war is the answer to fear

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself that the belief exist within me that I must be the most spiteful, the most competitive person, and out-compete everyone else at competing and being spiteful, in order to be successful in this world – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that from an early age I associated spitefulness and competition with success and thus, that is why the belief exist within me that if I am the most competitive, the most spiteful, then I will surely be the winner/dominant one and have a successful life

When and as I see myself going into a fearful reaction due to being attacked by others – I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to go into a reaction of fear but rather breathe through my fear, keep breathing and stay focused on breath – as I see realize and understand that it is my fear that is creating the experience of being attacked