Tag Archives: fail

Day 258: 24-Hour Abstinence Challenge

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When titling this blog, it took a few tries until I got the spelling of this word correct. Normally I am decent when it comes to spelling – I have sometimes wondered if my inability to spell a words spells the fact that I haven’t grasped that word, both in the memory of copying the word itself as well as the definitions/concepts it embodies.

In recent blog posts I have written about prioritizing that which is important, about living my life to it’s full potential, living without regret, in a way where I don’t end my days feeling unfulfilled and wanting for more. Within this, I have more clearly identified for myself that which I would like to do, what are some things I would like to get done and accomplish, some ways I would like to live. I have also identified what is problematic in my life, in terms of old habits that have no real value, and only serve to keep me from full transitioning into a new being, a new way of living life – I could really do so much more if I did not allow such pointless things to hold me back. 

As it has always been for me in this process, stopping any old habit is the same as stopping an addiction – it does not come naturally at all, or without resistance and withdrawal. I have screwed myself in the past by not being realistic about how to go about stopping long-standing habits/addictions, where I ended up getting false expectations and creating ideals about how well I was going to do, and then only ended up in disappointment and discouragement. Stopping a habit/addiction had become a form of abstinence that was really just a suppression, where I would try really really hard to just stop and keep stopping and the whole thing was very energetically driven and tiring – and eventually I would fail – yet I set myself up for failure.

I have began to learn how to walk practically, within the understanding that change is a process that requires more than just stopping, that I require support through writing and doing the necessary study and investigation to ensure that I am stopping with understanding. When I have stopped other habits/addictions in the past, because it came so unnaturally, with so much resistance, I had to actually first do a 24 hour abstaining period, just to break the habit and physically come to terms with stopping – in a way, I had to make decisions that were a form of tough love on myself, not giving myself any other options. Usually, after breaking the habit initially, things would get easier over time, and at the very least, I was giving myself a window to support myself, with clarity, without any backdoors or ulterior motives, or being under the influence of still being dead-smack in the middle of a habit/pattern, just in between doses.

24 hours really isn’t much to ask, either. It is the least I can do, and I owe it to myself, to life, to give myself the chance – no matter how much I resist, or feel as though I am ‘missing out on something’ – I mean that is just withdrawal talking. Thus I am dedicating myself to a minimum of 24 hours of stopping old habits/patterns that really contribute nothing to life. I won’t discuss here the specifics of what some of these habits are – one could gather from reading past blogs, or just use your imagination – I am a fairly ‘normal guy’ when it comes to time-wasting habits – but it doesn’t so much matter what we are wasting our time with as it does the fact that we are wasting away the bit of time we are gifted with while here on this earth.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to give myself a chance to break free from old habits/patterns that serve to keep me lost and from completely making the transition into a new life, using the experience of feeling overwhelmed, like I cannot do it, as a justification, due to past experiences where I set myself for disappointment and failure by not being practical about how to go about stopping habits/addictions – within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to test the point of stopping through giving myself the time and space to stop with simple commitments that are manageable and reasonable to ask of myself and do, to give myself the breathing room/time/space to support myself with more clarity than I otherwise would have while stuck in the middle of a habit/pattern, not realizing and understanding that stopping must be accompanied with self study and understanding, and not enforced on the physical like some unreasonable ultimatum, imposed with force as a for of suppression

I commit myself to live 24 hours without giving into an old habit/pattern of wasting time with various distractions/entertainments/preoccupations and to, within this experience, support myself with breathing and writing – when and as I see the desire to participate in an old pattern arise in my thoughts : I stop, I breathe, I remember my 24 hour commitment to myself as life, I see and understand that the desire to participate in old habits/patterns is simply the mind having withdrawal and using the illusion/belief that I am ‘missing out on something’ – and thus I do not allow myself to participate in these thoughts/this energy as desire, and continue to move myself throughout my day, here as breath.

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Day 142: What is the big idea behind success?

Within this point of success I have been looking at recently, in terms of effective living application, I have noticed a lot of fear of failure. This fear of failure is generated from not only a self belief of inferiority, but the actual living of self that is influenced by this self belief, and this living of self as inferior (being ineffective) that then reinforces the initial belief of inferiority. What happens when the self belief of inferiority is lived, is that it will activate all kinds of thoughts, feelings and emotions, and when I go into these mental/energetic experiences – I am not here, breathing/living in the physical – how can I be effective in applying myself in doing what I am doing, when I am not even here? This is how a lot of screw ups occur – like a car accident where someone’s attention is diverted from what is here, and the whole task turns into a wreck. Everyone has this experience before, and with regards to things like school and work, I have experienced this extensively. Having lived this self belief of inferiority into physical manifestation has given me all the more reason to believe that it is real, which perpetuates the cycle through a self acceptance as this self belief.

Now what I have noticed is that I have developed other mental mechanisms to compensate for this self acceptance of this self belief, where it is like engrained that ‘I am a fuck up, I cannot do this effectively. Within the fear that is created through this self acceptance, I had developed new mechanisms to apparently help me with a task. Ways of compensating for the actual natural abilities of the physical, that tend to be mental in nature. It is like being lost at sea, and rather than using your abilities to swim to land, finding a life preserver and just floating there, hoping everything will work out, fully accepting that I am lost at sea and within this full acceptance, not considering the actual real physical self that is able to swim, or let alone looking around because maybe there may even be land nearby.

I have noticed for instance that teaching can very easily become this way, because teaching really is such a dynamic thing that takes place from moment to moment, and thus it is vital to be here in every moment of teaching. However I have found this tendency to try to ‘hold onto a life preserver’ – which in this case, would be getting stuck on an idea, and just trying to stick with it, no matter what. It could be to stick with only a particular topic, for instance, or just sticking to one singular form of teaching/explaining this topic. This has occurred extensively with teaching in general, if you have a look in schools, where the pedagogy has become extremely rigid and uniform, and there is like only one way that things can apparently be taught and learned – all just because we’ve completely hung up on this one idea.

Another place in my life I have noticed it is with social interactions, where I may encounter situations where I don’t know how to act or deal with something (notice how messed up it is that I should even have a ‘way that I should act’ in the first place) I will just generally revert to an idea of being some kind of likeable character, where I am nice and friendly and positive and polite – and not actually looking at the real substance of what is taking place, and thus not seeing what would actually be required to be done in this situation.

Yet another place I notice this is when something I am doing is not working, and I am already convinced it should be working, it is like I just try and do it harder, just keep trying, keep pushing and kick up the intensity a notch, leading myself to the inevitable ‘banging my head against a wall’ experience – being so invested in an idea that I might not stop to notice: this isn’t working, time to actually breathe and look at the situation here.

So what this all boils down to is a form of ‘overcompensating’ through utilizing ideas of the mind and going ‘above and beyond’ what is here, by placing ‘higher value’ in ideas of the mind than simply actually being here in the moment to physically apply myself. Yes it is necessary that knowledge may be required to be applied, but when knowledge is actually applied it is done so physically – that’s why we can do so much without having knowledge/ideas attached to it. We have gone way too far with this idea of knowledge being the ‘be all end all’ that it is almost like we believe we are incapable of living without knowledge, and it is based in a lack of self trust where we do not trust ourselves to live and apply ourselves here in the moment – even if we don’t ‘know what to do’. This is extensive, where we believe that we have to know all kinds of things, act all kinds of certain ways, become all kinds of characters, feel all kinds of feelings and energies – just to live and survive!

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require some kind of knowledge to help me/save me/guide me/hold my hand, within the self abandonment I have done through accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am inferior and going into the energy of the mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, removing myself from the physical reality here and thus recreating and reinforcing this self belief as inferior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘going into the deep end’ by allowing myself to jump into the pool of life and trust myself here in the moment unconditionally to apply myself here in self honest common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and recreate the fear of failure through a lack of self trust as believing that I must have an idea as a plan/safety net to be able to live, work and apply myself, and depend on this idea and fear not applying the idea correctly/effectively because I’ve allowed myself to believe that if I do not, I will fail apparently – when in fact life can only be lived here, breath by breath and require no knowledge/ideas

When and as I see myself going into an idea/character/personality of what I should apparently do or be within applying myself here in living/working – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this tendency is in fact based in a self belief of inferiority as accepting myself to be less than an idea and thus believing that I depend on this idea to live and apply myself – and I do not participate within and as this idea

I commit myself to ‘jump into the deep end’ of life and stop the fear of failure through applying myself unconditionally here and trusting myself within and as breath to live effectively here, moment by moment