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Day 316: Judgment and projection: who I am in relation to others

 

Nothing moves unless I move myself

 

I have not written for the last 3 nights in a row now and after writing more consistently before that, it is amazing to see the contrast, as from not writing, I now have a compounding of points that I did not previously deal with, with the time I had available that I could have dealt with them, so now here I find myself dealing with a ‘build up’ of mental shit from the last few days where I am having to do extra work today, and not necessarily ‘reaching ahead’ to deal with my own mind as would be ideal – to be proactive and preemptive in facing myself as the mind instead of waiting for consequences to arrive. So this is the reason why today’s blog may not be focused on a specific point but deals with several points. Additionally, due to having not written and not progressed, also I have not been able to produce anything – either written or in my actions/beingness – that would be of benefit to another person, as the last time I wrote, it was brought to my attention that my post was supportive to another being, who is someone who I actually never would have expected to find self support in one of my blogs – so this also goes to show what has been ‘lost’ in not writing for just 3 days, with regards to how it has not only ill-served me but has also been a disservice to others and the world around me.

 

The following is from my journal entry for today:

 

we all have the ability to ‘turn inwards’ when we react, rather than to continually misdirect ourselves to ‘someone/somewhere out there’ where we will find no answers as we were the origin and starting point of ourselves and our own creation – thus important to remember that who we are and what we do is never about the other, and to never take my own reactions/behaviors and the reactions/behaviors of others as real/personal

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that “I am bored of another person being superficial” and within this that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame another for how I feel, not realizing that I have made myself feel this way and react this way through caring about how I look, and believing that I must be handsome/attractive in order to have people like me and to be successful in this world, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be handsome and ‘good looking’ from a starting point of fear and submitting to the system as the belief that I must present a certain picture presentation of myself and that I must meet a certain standard of ‘looking good’ as fitting a system criteria, and to believe that if I have achieved this look that apparently I am superior and special and better in comparison to others, and that if I do not, then I apparently am less/inferior and will lose and be bested by others somehow, where I fear I will somehow lose-out and have a lesser experience than that of others who I believe are unjustly having a better experience of themselves than me when I feel/believe I deserve the same experience

 

When and as I see myself thinking/believing that I am bored of another person because of how they make me feel – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that in fact the source of my feelings/experience of myself is me, and thus the importance of taking the point back to myself to see how I am creating this experience of reaction to another – thus I commit myself to not participate in this tendency to blame another as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – and so in this case, when the desire arises to look attractive and be superficial/vain – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by believing I must be this way and playing into this game of the system, I am accepting it at a deeper level through justifying it as being ‘for work/survival purposes only – and thus I commit myself to no longer participate in this desire/rush to be attractive and compete with others through trying to look attractive, and no longer give into these desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all I ever wanted in fact was to be equal and that the desire to compete and be better is an illusion/self deception and thus the point here is not to compete within a game of inferiority/superiority from a starting point of fear/ego but to rather remain here as breath and do the work necessary to equalize myself to myself/others as life as who we really are as life is already equal, and whether or not we choose to recognize this and live in reality as life one and equal will determine our experience of ourselves as one that is best for all life, rather than one of separation, fear and inferiority, experienced/upheld as the desire to be special and compete

 

I commit myself to equalize myself to others through the humbleness and humility of exposing myself and how I am in fact no different to any other humans beings, and by giving up the desire to be special and compete and have power, and within this, giving myself the key to who I really am as life, one and equal to all – I commit myself to stop the desire to win and breathe through such desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged another person/other people for being ‘shallow’ and ‘vain’ and ‘superficial’, as I realize the irony that within judging another as being shallow, I am in fact also being shallow by only ‘judging a book by its cover’, meaning that I am simply looking at the behavior of another as the outflow of their overall mentality, and by only looking at and judging this behavior, I am restricting myself from actually looking/investigating the being more deeply, and from even getting to know and understand the mentality and the history of how it was created that has resulted in the behavior, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself from ever being able to deal with a point effectively here in the moment by simply reacting out of fear of another, which is in fact the fear of myself, by judging another as being shallow

 

When and as I see myself judging another as being ‘shallow, vain and superficial’ – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by judging another within such a point, I am restricting myself from taking the point back to myself and thus from ever being able to direct the point, and within this, actually living the word ‘shallow’ myself by not allowing myself to look deeper into understanding the being because I am too preoccupied with my own judgments by allowing them – thus I do not participate in these judgments as my thoughts, feelings or emotions about another

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and profile others based on my own personal desires for a relationship which are born out of the fear of not having a relationship, being rejected and being alone – wherein I judge women according to how closely they ‘fit the profile’ of the ideal partner that would apparently ‘be good for me’ and within such judgments/profiling, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act on such judgments by thinking/believing that people who meet this criteria are ‘special’ and ‘to be desired’ and thus for gravitating towards/being attracted to such people – as I see and realize that such people/characteristics/attributes will not satisfy me, will not ‘complete me’ as they are only based on what will fit the desires of my ego, as an experience with someone that will just be easy where I am never challenged and never have to deal with difficult points that will have me look at and examine myself

 

When and as I see myself judging and profiling others according to what I believe will suit me and make me happy – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that such profiles/projections about others are based on the minds idea/ideal of the ‘perfect companion’ that only serves the mind as self interest – thus I do not allow myself to participate in such judgments of others as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I understand that ‘the grass is not greener’ on the other side and thus I am not ‘missing out’ on anything real that is to be desired.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I find someone who is not superficial and does not carry other qualities that I do not first have in me, that my life is apparently better, as I understand that this is a projection of the mind to not have to take self responsibility for who I am and what I’ve become and rather look for a ‘better half’ to ‘lead the way’ – thus I commit myself to not go looking for an ‘ideal partner’ as I see, realize and understand is based on that which I have separated myself from as higher ideals so that I do not have to live them and take self responsibility in fact

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as guilt and to act from a starting point of guilt, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the positive experience that harboring guilt actually brings me, wherein, when I act from a starting point of guilt, I get an experience/sense of relief, where I feel like I have ‘righted my wrong’ and ‘atoned for my sins’

 

I commit myself to stop living and acting from a starting point of guilt and to rather make the decision to change for real and no longer accept that I am flawed/guilty and that I am powerless to change for real

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be a ‘protector’ and a ‘hero’ not seeing and realizing that this point is one of the characteristics that living/acting from a starting point of guilt creates, wherein I first accept myself as ‘bad and shameful’ for who I am and what I have done, and that I cannot change it, and then rather just feel guilty and overcompensate for this by acting like the hero/protector character which exist purely as this mental projection in an attempt to be recognized by myself and others as being good/benevolent/noble/heroic, thus further justifying and seeking validation that my self belief of being inferior, unable to change, and my subsequent guilt/attempt at heroics as being real

 

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to participate in/participating in habits/actions that are from a starting point of projecting myself as a hero/protector – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is not where I want to be as it is an indicator of a starting point of guilt within a belief that I am unable to change myself and thus a self acceptance of being forever flawed, and that I am only overcompensating for this self belief while not actually being real in fact, and that I am only doing this to have others recognize me as being good, and thus not really standing as goodness as a self directed decision of who I am, seeking validation and life outside of myself – and thus I do not accept myself to participate in this pattern any longer as it arises in my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behavior patterns

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged others as cute as this is not who they really are, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the shallow judgment/projection of another being ‘cute’ is actually just a positive mental experience that is based on fear of others who can harm me, which I associate with certain pictures of things that may pose a physical threat in my minds eye as a form of stereotype (for example, brutish looking men or spindly insects or reptilian animals), and thus within this fear, I will project this idea/ideal of ‘cute’ onto things that I have associated with being harmless and ‘not a threat to me’ in any way (things that are small, look like they cannot move fast, are young-looking and thus apparently innocent) – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the enjoyment of the mental experience of something being cute is in fact just based on fear and the desire to not be hurt and the experience of mental relief from my fear through experiencing something that is ‘cute’ and therefore apparently not dangerous/a threat to me

 

when and as I see myself judging something as being cute – I stop and breathe as I am in fact being shallow in not seeing a being as who it really is in its entirety, but rather just making a projection onto it as being something it is not, which is something ‘harmless and not a threat to me because it is too cute and thus weak’ through the association I have made between this harmlessness and certain picture presentations of what is defined as ‘cute’ – thus I do not allow myself to participate in these judgments/projections as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as these projections are based in the desire to have power and control, while placing myself as superior and the one I perceive as cute (and thus harmless) as inferior – I no longer accept and allow such condescending and demeaning judgments of others and myself, both in thought and spoken words

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Day 190: Is Desteni a scam? Part 4

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Here I am continuing with my testimonial of the Desteni group through first-hand experience and participation within the group and the principles by which it lives.

One of the points that stands out about the Desteni group is that it is a group that lives by principles – not personal preferences. The integrity of this group on principles that are best for all life is unlike I anything I have ever experienced before, because the principles always stand absolute despite any personal principles or self interest one may have, whether they are a member of the group or not. That is not to say that anyone in the group is special, as if we were born that way – no – upon investigating the group one will see that they are ordinary human beings who go through all the same shit as a normal person – the difference is, when a ‘problem point’ emerges with a Destonian, the point is always self-responsibility first, through self honesty.

One great example of this is in how the group does not play favorites with members – all are held to the standard of self honesty and what is best for all life, so Destonians get no preference. If a Destonian is then for instance found in a dispute with an outsider, there is no automatic taking of sides, and if it is found that the Destonian has not been self honest and is acting in ways that is not best for all life, that point is to then be sorted out by that Destonian.

Support is given unconditionally to all, whether they are members of the group or not  – and so the only thing stopping one from getting any support is themselves, because the support is all about self honesty and self responsibility – and who wants to do that?

There are no doctrines or rules to follow – there is only self honesty as only self knows the truth of self, only self is aware of what exactly is going on in ones mind. Within this, there is then no brainwashing in terms of convincing people what to think, rather self education is encouraged and Desteni are a group of real leaders who support others to enable themselves to think independently and figure things out for themselves. Here, the importance of vocabulary and how words are used to deceive and control, is key, as conversely words also hold the key to stopping deception and self deception, and structuring a persons mind in a way that will be beneficial to them and their environment.

After my visit to the Desteni Farm and a couple years of supporting myself with the tools they had been giving freely, I decided to enroll in the newly established Desteni I Process course, which was a way that one could learn and do their process in a structured fashion for a monthly fee. Having found what they provided me thus far to be very effective and already being so grateful for what I had learned and how I had changed, I decided to take the course and really get on with my process. I didn’t know what to expect with the course and it was unlike anything I had ever done before, but the results came steadily and surely. Over time I had come to understand even more about myself and the human mind and how it functions, affecting my entire experience of myself in my world, my personal well being and my overall quality of life.

I eventually came to a point where I could no longer afford the course due to financial limitations, and I worried that I would no longer be able to progress at the steady and sure rate that I had been. Yet again the group was there to support me by providing me the opportunity to continue the course, free of charge –and to this day I am still doing the course, free of charge on a sponsorship. As I had mentioned, the only thing really stopping oneself from engaging in this process is themselves, and any claims that Desteni is some kind of a money making scam are obviously unfounded. I already saw this when I visited the farm for the first time and saw first-hand how they were living.

This is the main ‘end game’ goal that I have heard those who make claims about Desteni without proper research, speak of. And if the claim is not that someone is benefiting financially, the claim is that there is some kind of idolatry going on, that it is either money or fame as the ‘end game’ goal. Particularly that it is Sunette Spies or Bernard Poolman that are gaining all this apparent popularity that somehow benefits them.

Now as I mentioned already, the participants in Desteni stand resolute within the principles of oneness and equality above personality and personal preference – therefore any kind of idolatry is obviously something that is not able to be allowed within the group. Funnily enough, the very first words that Bernard Poolman ever said to me when I met him was ‘stop following me!’.

As well as this, we live in a world where people capitalize on messages of love and light, telling people what they want to hear, that they are special, and finding every way to play to their hearts desires. It doesn’t take much research to see that what Desteni shares doesn’t fall in line with that at all – on the contrary, they are saying we are all equal and thus no one is ‘special’ from that perspective, and they are showing people the absolute mess that the human mind and the world has become due to our complete self interest and delusions of self importance, which completely contradicts the message you so often hear in our consumerist society that tells everyone that ‘everything is just fine’ and ‘you are perfect the way you are’ and ‘learn how to get more’.

What I have found most prominently in those who have claimed that Desteni is somehow a bad thing (usually through simply using the word cult and hoping that it’s common connotation as being a negative word infects those who cannot think freely for themselves) is that they simply have a point in their world that they fear giving up as, in their view, their world is ‘working for them’, and because the fear of failure and the fear of loss is so great, anything that they may perceive as threatening their position of success and exposing the truth of their success – that it was built in a world of lies where good people die for no reason and the greedy and deceitful get rich – will simply be written off as ‘bad’ or a ‘cult’.

Many who might claim to be open minded should check out Desteni and the message they share because it will surely put that claim to the test – do you have the courage to actually study the material seriously, apply the principles and test it all out – or are you going to stand there from a distance and make demonizing claims to incite fear in others who may also not have the courage to really see for themselves?

The fact is that unlike the mass majority of groups and movements who capitalize their fame on sensationalism, Desteni has no claim to fame – because all Desteni is doing is pointing out the truth of existence, what is already here, if people would so dare to open their eyes. It is no secret that humans tend to only see what they want to see and only remember things as they want them to be remembered, that we are our own worst enemies. Desteni, I have found, is not against anyone, save for this ‘enemy’ within you. If one would dare to admit, that they are not perfect, that everything is not ok in their world, that we require correction and improvement, not out of self interest, but because they recognize that life is being ab-used – then Desteni is a simple thing to embrace.

www.desteni.org

Day 181: Why do I blog?

One of the aims of writing this blog was to be candid, to expose myself as much as possible as just another human being dealing with the same old shit that everybody is dealing with, to take my ego down a notch and show that I am flawed by design/condition, and as a side effect of this, to possibly assist others to just ‘come out with it’. There are time where I do not want to write because frankly, I am weak, and so feel that I am in no position to lead or speak as some kind of an authority or someone who knows better on a subject – sometimes I am simply in the middle of my own struggle and aware of my own lack of clarity, which really makes me cringe at myself and within this, I will tend to say ‘I don’t have the right to speak on anything’.

But for the sake of this fear of exposure that the ego has, it is those times when it is equally as important to push myself to just write. What I do not want to do however, is glorify the struggle, which I and many artists like myself have tended to do. It is not beautiful, it is not special or unique or any of that bullshit. What I do want to do, is write myself out to the point where I can make some progress on points through my writing, and share this process with others.

There are times where my inner situation is so bad that the initial point of writing and sorting myself out/stabilizing myself is not published because some of the content is just ‘flushing out’ the inner mind garbage so I can reflect it to myself and see directly and with clarity, what it is that I am in fact accepting and allowing. Other times this stuff is not published for the sake of personal protection as our world has become so abusive that we cannot even sometimes share ourselves completely for the fear that someone may take advantage of us – our world is so self dishonest that we have found extensive ways to say that we are apparently in essence not all the same and thus points of self exposure can be abused by those that would take them and say ‘see, this person is evil where I am not’.

I would like to meet one singe human being who does not have nasty, harmful thoughts about others.

The sooner we can get it all out, the sooner we can see that we’re all just the same and that facing ourselves is not such a big deal – let’s just get it out and call it what it is and sort it out.

Ironically enough, we live in a world where abuse is everywhere, the evidence of our inner abuse as our thoughts is everywhere, and yet we justify this endlessly because there is always a valid reason why we can abuse! He is poor – well that’s OK, because….There are people working as prostitutes – well yes, but….There are people murdering each other in wars – yes there are, BUT…..there are animals being slaughtered in unthinkable agony without mercy – well sure, but…. I mean do we even know the definition of the word abuse? Have we lost sight if what it even means and implies? Obviously not because we are consumed by it as our thoughts as the thoughts of who we are that create all of these scenarios must they themselves be abusive in nature to produce such things – and who is really aware of their thoughts all the time, objectively? That means aware of something to a point where you really rigorously test its validity and challenge how it has been reasoned and justified, without any kind of bias or ulterior motive? To look at ourselves as our thoughts in such a way, looks as if it is an entire process, because it is! And this surely does not take place. We simply think, and think and think…and then finally we act. I mean is this level of functionality/operating not what describes the impulsive nature of a simple robot? Input – act – input – act – never mind where that input is even coming from or how it arrived in your mind in the very first place.

But of course you’ll say it came from your mind – you are apparently the one in control who thought it up all by yourself – you wanted it that way! Or if not you, perhaps some other being as benevolent and righteous as you – God, anyone?

See, the more I actually investigate as this process of self inquiry that I mentioned, the more I am concerned by the fact that I am simply not in control – that as much as I would like to think I am in control and that everything is fine, the fact is that I am just a programmed machine who is following the same set of instructions instructed to me by my parents and to them by their parents before – just a copy of a copy of a copy – this is a shock to the ego, if you can even get as far as to admit this without yet again justifying your apparent specialness and free will – are any of us really as important as we would like to think ourselves to be?

But who cares about all of this, as long as everything in your life is taken care of, as long as you are living the life that you want to and most importantly, that you feel fine – ever wonder where too does this feeling of feeling fine actually come from?

I am not saying, become an anarchist, denounce everything, rebel – I am saying; how can we continue to live our lives as we are, without investigating this, thinking that there won’t be any consequences to this?