Tag Archives: escapism

Day 293: Letting go of past vices and the tools for a new life

 

One thing that I am well aware of which makes writing more difficult, is the things I do to escape reality – the habits and patterns I have developed which give me the experience of ‘taking a break’ from the difficulties I experience in life. The more I give into these vices, the more my resistance to writing – a real solution – grows. This is the essential problem that we as a species are facing: we are so addicted to our vices and the things we use to cope with our mistakes and deficiencies that we will not even consider a real solution.

 

What is different in my case is that I have been given tools to find my way out of the mess that I got myself in, also known as my mind, as the accumulation of memories/experiences I’ve had and how they define me. What I see when I look back is that I developed all these coping mechanisms during a time in my life where I had no other answers, no other tools, and no sign of help or assistance ever coming. From this a kind of experience of hopelessness emerged, and this is where I sort of said “fuck this, I’m going to just do my own thing that pleases me”, and so the vice was born, the escape artist was born. The more that I (we) move down this path of escapism as the solution, the more trapped we become in it, and it is really no way to live, it is self perpetuating weakness, it is a life of fear, anxiety and lack of self trust because we are deeply aware of what we are doing, that we have forgotten from where we came and ignore the path that we are headed towards. Who wants to live that kind of life?

 

And yet I see how I have come to believe that living this way is the only way. It is difficult to even fathom a life without my vices, like wow, it seems like it is beyond comprehension. I mean, talk about brainwashed, talk about controlled, talk about enslaved. But what I had forgotten is that this view stems from this overall mentality of escapism as the solution, and that this was formed during the period in my life when I had no solutions. Now the escapism doesn’t work anymore (or I’ve just realized it), but it is different this time: I have the tools. I have the answers, because I created the problem. I am the problem, because it is me who accepted the belief of what I apparently want as vices that I use to escape. I do not need to fear anymore to disengage from these escapes, because I have the tool – it is time to persist in giving myself the self support that I require, that I always wished for but never got because I never before realized that I am my own creator.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the act of giving up and all of the vices that I use to escape reality were formed at a time when I felt I had no other solutions/alternatives, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I no longer require to put my faith and trust in these vices, I no longer have to put faith in them as I have the solution here as me as self honesty and self forgiveness and thus it is only a matter of remaining here as breath and not giving into the desires of the mind to escape, so that I may give myself the breathing room to walk a new path of living and self discovery wherein I am the directive principle

 

I commit myself to embrace the tools I have been given as gifts with which to set myself free from the limitations of the mind and to commit myself to use these tools on a daily basis so that I may stop escaping my reality within the belief that life is my enemy, and I may embrace all that I encounter in my journey as I have the tools to live and express myself as one and equal in all that I may encounter and experience

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Day 266: Afraid of self-responsibility

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For so long I have feared the idea of standing absolutely in my process, I have feared it and believed that it is totally impossible. I remember moments of changing myself, literally breaking physical habits with other physical activities, and having an experience of like ‘omg I can’t believe I am doing this’ – totally amazed and in disbelief within the context of the belief that I can not do this. In a way I fear to be the best I can be, because I know that within my preprogrammed accepted and allowed nature, I would abuse being the best or being great in some way. I mean I feel like any desire to be great, no matter how noble sounding, is something that can be so easily converted into an act of self interest as the ultimate starting point. From this perspective, I now see that it is necessary to forgive the belief that doing what is best for all is something that is noble and good and profound and amazing and special, and simply accept it as a common sensical expression of who I am, in understanding and recognition of what life as the physical is. 

From this belief, which is really just based on a point of inferiority as a self belief, the tendency to create and keep back doors open is expected. The point is not to compensate for the inferiority and try to be superior and do more than what is realistic, because I know now that every time I get a big idea about how I’m going ti change myself and the world and its all going to be so amazing and great. Maybe it starts out well, but eventually fades as it was based on the mind and an energetic charge created by the friction of both positive and negative as inferior/superior that exist in my mind as beliefs.

I fear to support others, not in everyday life, but formally through the life-coaching course that I am taking, and not progressing at as quickly as I’d like to. My fear is that I will fall and then I will disappoint the person I am supporting – and yet by allowing this fear, it is in fact just a clever excuse to not have to commit myself and ensure that I do not fall – in acting like the fear is real and I have no control over it, I am actually just trying to find another way to stay the same and not change. This doesn’t make sense, I should be setting these priorities and goals, even if they are difficult at first, even with all the resistance, because eventually it does become easier and the past habits that hold me back become irrelevant. I am not saying that there are not real world conditions to consider, I mean I can’t be unrealistic about how much I can take on, but I know I am capable of more and this is only possible by stepping outside of my comfort zone and accepting new challenges. Every moment should be a new challenge, really.

I’ve got to be practical about process and not put the idea of quantity and doing more above doing what is necessary common sense. What is the point of writing a JTL blog if I have not done real work on myself that day and made real progress: to look good in the opinions of others?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that to stand up is something special or noble or profound which I am incapable of, due to how I had seen and defined being special and profound and noble as things that were virtually impossible to be because they were lived within a self dishonest starting point of self interest and a misunderstanding of life as one and equal – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to polarize myself with both the temptation and the resistance to being good/great/noble/profound/special and simply see, realize and understand that this process is a simple process of walking with oneself in a process where I explore, uncover and discover who I am as life in every moment through breath and continuously stopping participation in the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse the privileges and gifts I have found myself with in this life in the name of my own fear and self interest, not realizing that these gifts are here to support me as who I really am as life as my starting point, not to support my self interest and success in terms of having money, things and status

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create back-doors in my process to not stand absolutely in moments where my ego attempts to take revenge on my by tempting me with the feeling/energetic experience I get from participating in the mind

I commit myself to stick to the simplicity of breath in terms of what I allow within myself and to stick to the common sense of not participating in activities that exist as old patterns/habits as what I participate in, in my outside world

I commit myself to stop the desire to be special

I commit myself to apply myself practically in this process in terms of putting myself first in addressing what really needs attention and ensuring that my work is relevant and effective, to not simply repeat patterns of things I know how to do already or talking about things I know already, and to rather walk my process of study, investigation, exploring, applying myself. I commit myself to never use process as a way of being special or getting attention

I commit myself to utilize the privileges and gifts I have been given to support myself in self honest common sense and to no longer abuse them in the name of self interest as the insane desire for an energetic experience of myself

I commit myself to live in such a way and make specific agreements and commitments to dedicate myself absolutely to this process, as participations/activities that ensure that I will remain here and continue to apply myself in self honesty and self forgiveness as breath

Day 235: Addiction as a form of suicide

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What I have learned about addictions, both to drugs and alcohol as well as anything else that one may become addicted to, is that it is all about escaping. I mean I actually had this pointed out to me years ago but never really investigated the point because I did not know the value of writing, self investigation and self inquiry.

Going down that path of logic of using drugs as an escape, you realize that it is a totally dead-end road. I mean, where the fuck are you going when you are on drugs? Nowhere but in your own mind. Nothing is actually happening in reality. You just sober up and realize you’re still in this shit – and yet because the drugs appeal so greatly to the mind as the desire to escape, you just end up going back to them because for a moment, the experience felt so nice – but that is all it was – an experience. We fool ourselves by holding onto the memory of that experience and holding it dear, as something to be sought after and experienced again. 

So what are we escaping from? Our reality, and the way we have experienced it. The same way that we cherish our ‘positive memories’ that can fuel addictions, we tend to hold onto memories negative experiences we have had in our lives, which is what even drives us towards the positive. But again, the negative memories that drive us are also just an experience – it is the way in which we saw our reality in specific moments/events and how we have defined our reality within such experiences. It is not the truth, it is not what reality really is.

In this misunderstanding of reality is birthed the idea that ‘this is the way it is, and thus, this is how it will be – I cannot change it’ – and so the desire to escape is birthed. Is it that we cannot change it or that we do not want to change it and thus we conveniently believe it to be impossible? I mean escapism is really just the abdication of self responsibility. But what is self responsibility? It is your ability to respond through that which we have been endowed with as human beings to be able to create a world that is best for all life. So in not taking that responsibility to create a world that is best for all life, what are we actually doing? We are killing ourselves. I mean, striving to live to our full potential is an intrinsic property of living itself – there is no such thing as half assed living – that would be survival – and that is what the mentality of the entire human race has become.

So this is all why addictions and vices eventually are the end of us, because, although it is being done in a very slow but sure way, we are killing ourselves! I mean in the very plight of addiction we exist as the walking dead, so while you might not have physically died yet, the mind is possessed, and you’re well on your way, while simultaneously killing others in your name through the absolute neglect of life that drugs facilitate. The desire to escape and not be here and have some ‘higher experience’ of yourself is the desire to live in an illusionary fantasy world that doesn’t exist – sounds like heaven doesn’t it? So I suggest to consider your addictions from this perspective: that you are killing yourself slowly but surely and it will be a shitty process. So every time you give in, ask yourself – are you ready to die? Is not existing what you really want? If so, then why the hell don’t you just kill yourself right now? You may as well.

But then that nugget of self interest and hope chimes in – the positive memory of the positive experience – something to live for, apparently! So we keep ourselves alive to kill ourselves. We end up living full lives that are torturous. I mean what the fuck is the point of living such a life? This can also be seen at a greater societal level where the way in which we value our lives is a matter of quantifying them through length . But I mean, what about the matter of what are we actually doing with the time we are given? This is why being in the middle of the road is the worst place to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not equate how it is exactly that I can create the kind of self/life that I would actually like to experience/exist as, and to ensure that I am living my life to it’s full potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become comfortable in accepting/living with addictions and stand in the middle of the road with regard to my addictions and that I have not allowed myself to strive to stop them and do whatever is necessary to stop

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to keep myself alive purely for the sake of survival and keeping up addictions to have ‘higher experiences of myself’ and accept a life of mediocrity and imperfection

I commit myself to, while I am here on this earth, living this life, investigate and work out how exactly I can live the life I would like to, and apply that which I learn practically

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself wanting to survive solely so that I can fulfill my own self interest, I stop, I breathe, I stop myself from within the pursuit of survival and the patterns/behaviors that I participate within that I believe will assist me to survive and walk through the fear/resonant experience of feeling like if I do not continue within these patterns, my life is going to end/deteriorate

Day 209: Commodifying life

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In the game that we have made out of life we have turned everything into commodities from which we can benefit somehow, either directly or indirectly. We commodify everything from nature, to animals, to objects that we create and produce, to other people, to even ideas. This has become a way of life on earth, a way to survive as the current context of the our life experience on earth and how the economy functions is that of survival. I mean there are really only 2 days to live: the first being our current way that we live where we are obsessed with ourselves and our own self interest, always operating in a way that will ensure only our survival, success and benefit – or the new way which is what the Equal Life Foundation is proposing, which is to live in a way that is best for all life, which obviously would include self, but not putting self above others as the primary point or having some form of higher priority.

In my family, I was taught by all those who came before me that ‘love is everything’ and that relationships in the family were of the utmost importance – all this despite how actually fucked up and dysfunctional my family has always been. My grandfather was known for being a brutally abusive alcoholic and my grandmother turned a blind eye and could not find it within herself to stand up to any of the abuse that went on in the family. In fact the relationship between the grandparents became so abusive that it was some of their children who took it upon themselves to stand up for my grandmother and remove her from the abusive relationship, with my grandfather angrily chasing them from behind in his car.

Now they key point in my grandmother who allowed so much abuse was love. She was obsessed with love. She was a being of pure love and light bliss. She was all hugs and kisses and nice words and always giving out delicious food and candy. It was always a big love in, interacting with her, as I remember as a child she would become so consumed by her excitement and feelings of love when we would visit her. Except that one time she washed my mouth out with soap when I was a toddler for swearing – fuck that was an awful experience lol.

The energetic experience of love was her drug and her escape from this reality, along with all the things that she loved like food and her family which brought her these feelings. She wasn’t much one for standing up when it mattered most, facing the darkness when courage was needed. I remember one moment in particular where one of my aunts was sobbing in tears while we were visiting my grandmother and my mother becoming so angry at my grandmother because while this was going on, my grandmother was just as lost and consumed in her experience of love and bliss as ever, completely disregarding and not even noticing what my aunt had been going through at the moment, just a few feet away from her sitting on another couch.

So to establish this point loud and clear – the love that was taught and lived in my family was rather a form of escapism and self interest to be able to turn a blind eye and not have to take responsibility and face one’s reality. Love is a really powerful drug, as anyone who studies the effects of ‘love’ in our world can quickly see, it is responsible for amazing things and some of the most brutal atrocities ever perpetrated and allowed. Wasn’t it that Van Gogh artist guy who cut off his ear for love? I think that was his name. Crazy shit.

So anyways, this love as it was understood and lived was passed on down to new generations – albeit unwittingly – down to my mother and her siblings and then down to me and my sister.

As a child it made me extremely weak and dependent, to the point where I became ashamed of my relationship with my mother because it really represented this weakness as this lovey-dovey ‘I need you and you need me’ bullshit kind of relationship. I saw from an early age how weak it made me and I was ashamed of this, especially in world where the reality is that you have got to have a thick skin, independence and personal resolve in order to have any kind of life worth living.

Not only this, but I saw at a young age that this love was bullshit, as there were some traumatic events that exposed the truth of all this love shit: that it wasn’t true, that my mother was not in fact this ‘being of love’ that she had presented herself to be. So from a young age I was extremely weary of it all. And yet eventually in my teens this weakness continued to develop itself without me necessarily being aware of it because while I had associated this point with my mother and lost faith in her, I still went on looking for the same point in other people, to experience the drug of love in relationships with other people.

This post is particularly about how we commodify the people in our lives in order to get this experience of love as a drug as self interest which I’m talking about – it is a total addiction. We are addicted to our commodities, we are addicted to the stuff we possess (or believe we do). We are constantly using each other in some way or another and in the case of relationships it is often to get the experience of ‘love’ as the drug we have become so addicted to.

Within this, we will also look for those who will produce the strongest experience of love, those whose love will be ‘more potent’ as a drug, because of the status they hold. It’s just the same way that someone feels good if they have a nice new car, but they will feel even better if they have a nice new and really expensive luxury car. We will, based on how society gives more value to some people based on their looks, their status, their financial standing, their possessions, their skills, want and desire those who have a higher value in the eyes of society based on how we as a society give value to human beings, as commodification. I mean the experience of ‘love’ that one gets from a rich, good looking person with a high level job and skill set, is going to be much better from the experience of love you’ll get from an uneducated homeless person. Some might say ‘but I don’t want that rich person, I’m happier with what I have’ – that is only a matter of circumstance because the reality is that you can’t have the best one and therefore you have to settle and you have to protect the fact that you settled as if it is your will because otherwise it will expose you limitation and your value in societies eyes because you’re not able to get the more highly valued and therefore attractive partner. I mean it is like saying “I wouldn’t want to be the richest person in the world” – of course you would! But you can’t so you have to settle and make it look like you wanted it that way because that protects your value and the reality of your value as it was given to you by your society as ‘not being the best’.

The truth is that everyone can be the best. But as long as we are busy commodifying ourselves and the world around us in an attempt to make us ‘more special’, then we will not allow ourselves to become the best we can be because we are living from a starting point of inferiority and wanting to compensate for that through possessions we acquire and monuments we build to ourselves. I have never had a family to call my own (lol) but I can certainly understand the point of ego that a parent or a grandparent can have and the experience that their possessions as commodities as their children/family members give them. I can relate to it from the relationship point of being a ‘boyfriend’, where I have commodified my partners and can take some kind of pride in saying ‘look at me, I have this girlfriend, she is mine, and she is a great one too!’ No different from someone showing off their shiny new sports car. Are we so depraved that we will allow this to exist? Or will be allow ourselves to stop commodifying the world around us as something that is ‘more than’ and live as equals to the world around us? I mean have a look even if you have all this wonderful stuff, you are actually making the statement that ‘I am less than this stuff’ because after all your greatness is dependent on having all that stuff – no high paying job, no bank account full of money, no amazing skills, no girlfriend, no family, no cars, no stuff – and suddenly the human lives as if it has no value as society has defined it – obviously observable in for instance homeless people in the world who are socially neglected, demonized and given no value, worth or unconditional support.

The fact is that this way of living will never satisfy, no matter how much we accumulate, no matter how great our families are, no matter how beautiful or special our relationship partner is, no matter how beautiful our homes are, now matter how great our jobs and status are, etc. it is the opposite of satisfying it is bolstering this lack of self recognition that exist within us that was our starting point all along.

So, pertaining to my own relationships, this point has to be lived, as if I fear to ‘lose my relationship’, then I can know one thing: it was never real in the first place as it was just a commodity, I mean that’s why the idea even exist in the first place that you have it and therefore you could lose it. What a crazy idea, as if we have some kind of magical ownership over the things around us in our environment. Ownership really is a state of mental delusion, not real. Through this belief we enslave the world around us, we enslave the animals, we enslave other humans, we enslave ourselves to our idea of dependency on things to satisfy and validate our egos. I don’t want anyone to be my slave anymore, because I don’t want to be a slave.