Tag Archives: disagreements

Day 316: Judgment and projection: who I am in relation to others

 

Nothing moves unless I move myself

 

I have not written for the last 3 nights in a row now and after writing more consistently before that, it is amazing to see the contrast, as from not writing, I now have a compounding of points that I did not previously deal with, with the time I had available that I could have dealt with them, so now here I find myself dealing with a ‘build up’ of mental shit from the last few days where I am having to do extra work today, and not necessarily ‘reaching ahead’ to deal with my own mind as would be ideal – to be proactive and preemptive in facing myself as the mind instead of waiting for consequences to arrive. So this is the reason why today’s blog may not be focused on a specific point but deals with several points. Additionally, due to having not written and not progressed, also I have not been able to produce anything – either written or in my actions/beingness – that would be of benefit to another person, as the last time I wrote, it was brought to my attention that my post was supportive to another being, who is someone who I actually never would have expected to find self support in one of my blogs – so this also goes to show what has been ‘lost’ in not writing for just 3 days, with regards to how it has not only ill-served me but has also been a disservice to others and the world around me.

 

The following is from my journal entry for today:

 

we all have the ability to ‘turn inwards’ when we react, rather than to continually misdirect ourselves to ‘someone/somewhere out there’ where we will find no answers as we were the origin and starting point of ourselves and our own creation – thus important to remember that who we are and what we do is never about the other, and to never take my own reactions/behaviors and the reactions/behaviors of others as real/personal

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that “I am bored of another person being superficial” and within this that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame another for how I feel, not realizing that I have made myself feel this way and react this way through caring about how I look, and believing that I must be handsome/attractive in order to have people like me and to be successful in this world, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be handsome and ‘good looking’ from a starting point of fear and submitting to the system as the belief that I must present a certain picture presentation of myself and that I must meet a certain standard of ‘looking good’ as fitting a system criteria, and to believe that if I have achieved this look that apparently I am superior and special and better in comparison to others, and that if I do not, then I apparently am less/inferior and will lose and be bested by others somehow, where I fear I will somehow lose-out and have a lesser experience than that of others who I believe are unjustly having a better experience of themselves than me when I feel/believe I deserve the same experience

 

When and as I see myself thinking/believing that I am bored of another person because of how they make me feel – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that in fact the source of my feelings/experience of myself is me, and thus the importance of taking the point back to myself to see how I am creating this experience of reaction to another – thus I commit myself to not participate in this tendency to blame another as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – and so in this case, when the desire arises to look attractive and be superficial/vain – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by believing I must be this way and playing into this game of the system, I am accepting it at a deeper level through justifying it as being ‘for work/survival purposes only – and thus I commit myself to no longer participate in this desire/rush to be attractive and compete with others through trying to look attractive, and no longer give into these desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all I ever wanted in fact was to be equal and that the desire to compete and be better is an illusion/self deception and thus the point here is not to compete within a game of inferiority/superiority from a starting point of fear/ego but to rather remain here as breath and do the work necessary to equalize myself to myself/others as life as who we really are as life is already equal, and whether or not we choose to recognize this and live in reality as life one and equal will determine our experience of ourselves as one that is best for all life, rather than one of separation, fear and inferiority, experienced/upheld as the desire to be special and compete

 

I commit myself to equalize myself to others through the humbleness and humility of exposing myself and how I am in fact no different to any other humans beings, and by giving up the desire to be special and compete and have power, and within this, giving myself the key to who I really am as life, one and equal to all – I commit myself to stop the desire to win and breathe through such desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged another person/other people for being ‘shallow’ and ‘vain’ and ‘superficial’, as I realize the irony that within judging another as being shallow, I am in fact also being shallow by only ‘judging a book by its cover’, meaning that I am simply looking at the behavior of another as the outflow of their overall mentality, and by only looking at and judging this behavior, I am restricting myself from actually looking/investigating the being more deeply, and from even getting to know and understand the mentality and the history of how it was created that has resulted in the behavior, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself from ever being able to deal with a point effectively here in the moment by simply reacting out of fear of another, which is in fact the fear of myself, by judging another as being shallow

 

When and as I see myself judging another as being ‘shallow, vain and superficial’ – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by judging another within such a point, I am restricting myself from taking the point back to myself and thus from ever being able to direct the point, and within this, actually living the word ‘shallow’ myself by not allowing myself to look deeper into understanding the being because I am too preoccupied with my own judgments by allowing them – thus I do not participate in these judgments as my thoughts, feelings or emotions about another

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and profile others based on my own personal desires for a relationship which are born out of the fear of not having a relationship, being rejected and being alone – wherein I judge women according to how closely they ‘fit the profile’ of the ideal partner that would apparently ‘be good for me’ and within such judgments/profiling, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act on such judgments by thinking/believing that people who meet this criteria are ‘special’ and ‘to be desired’ and thus for gravitating towards/being attracted to such people – as I see and realize that such people/characteristics/attributes will not satisfy me, will not ‘complete me’ as they are only based on what will fit the desires of my ego, as an experience with someone that will just be easy where I am never challenged and never have to deal with difficult points that will have me look at and examine myself

 

When and as I see myself judging and profiling others according to what I believe will suit me and make me happy – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that such profiles/projections about others are based on the minds idea/ideal of the ‘perfect companion’ that only serves the mind as self interest – thus I do not allow myself to participate in such judgments of others as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I understand that ‘the grass is not greener’ on the other side and thus I am not ‘missing out’ on anything real that is to be desired.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I find someone who is not superficial and does not carry other qualities that I do not first have in me, that my life is apparently better, as I understand that this is a projection of the mind to not have to take self responsibility for who I am and what I’ve become and rather look for a ‘better half’ to ‘lead the way’ – thus I commit myself to not go looking for an ‘ideal partner’ as I see, realize and understand is based on that which I have separated myself from as higher ideals so that I do not have to live them and take self responsibility in fact

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as guilt and to act from a starting point of guilt, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the positive experience that harboring guilt actually brings me, wherein, when I act from a starting point of guilt, I get an experience/sense of relief, where I feel like I have ‘righted my wrong’ and ‘atoned for my sins’

 

I commit myself to stop living and acting from a starting point of guilt and to rather make the decision to change for real and no longer accept that I am flawed/guilty and that I am powerless to change for real

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be a ‘protector’ and a ‘hero’ not seeing and realizing that this point is one of the characteristics that living/acting from a starting point of guilt creates, wherein I first accept myself as ‘bad and shameful’ for who I am and what I have done, and that I cannot change it, and then rather just feel guilty and overcompensate for this by acting like the hero/protector character which exist purely as this mental projection in an attempt to be recognized by myself and others as being good/benevolent/noble/heroic, thus further justifying and seeking validation that my self belief of being inferior, unable to change, and my subsequent guilt/attempt at heroics as being real

 

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to participate in/participating in habits/actions that are from a starting point of projecting myself as a hero/protector – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is not where I want to be as it is an indicator of a starting point of guilt within a belief that I am unable to change myself and thus a self acceptance of being forever flawed, and that I am only overcompensating for this self belief while not actually being real in fact, and that I am only doing this to have others recognize me as being good, and thus not really standing as goodness as a self directed decision of who I am, seeking validation and life outside of myself – and thus I do not accept myself to participate in this pattern any longer as it arises in my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behavior patterns

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged others as cute as this is not who they really are, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the shallow judgment/projection of another being ‘cute’ is actually just a positive mental experience that is based on fear of others who can harm me, which I associate with certain pictures of things that may pose a physical threat in my minds eye as a form of stereotype (for example, brutish looking men or spindly insects or reptilian animals), and thus within this fear, I will project this idea/ideal of ‘cute’ onto things that I have associated with being harmless and ‘not a threat to me’ in any way (things that are small, look like they cannot move fast, are young-looking and thus apparently innocent) – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the enjoyment of the mental experience of something being cute is in fact just based on fear and the desire to not be hurt and the experience of mental relief from my fear through experiencing something that is ‘cute’ and therefore apparently not dangerous/a threat to me

 

when and as I see myself judging something as being cute – I stop and breathe as I am in fact being shallow in not seeing a being as who it really is in its entirety, but rather just making a projection onto it as being something it is not, which is something ‘harmless and not a threat to me because it is too cute and thus weak’ through the association I have made between this harmlessness and certain picture presentations of what is defined as ‘cute’ – thus I do not allow myself to participate in these judgments/projections as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as these projections are based in the desire to have power and control, while placing myself as superior and the one I perceive as cute (and thus harmless) as inferior – I no longer accept and allow such condescending and demeaning judgments of others and myself, both in thought and spoken words

Advertisements

Day 120: Practical life support through daily self reflection

Image

What am I currently living in my life currently? What am I doing? How am I experiencing myself within myself  as my thoughts, feeling and emotions? To make sure my writing is used as an effective tool that supports me in my process by being relevant directly to how I am currently existing, I sometimes have to make a point of sitting down with myself and asking myself these simple kinds of self reflective questions. Sometimes it all gets overwhelming and I don’t know where to start, so to write this way allows me to self reflect and then identify each point in my life that requires attention and correction.

 

Today I had an experience where I found out that I had missed an assignment for a class last semester. It means that I could fail the course, even despite the fact that I was legitimately sick, my teacher knew I was sick, and that I have a doctors note proving this. It is because I did not officially register for a deferral, although I wasn’t even aware that was possible. At the time this happened however, I was careless and simply didn’t give attention to it. The fear within this is obvious failing the class. The fear behind this is that it will possibly take me more time and money to complete my degree. I actually don’t mind the degree costing me more money since I am on students loans, and I don’t mind it taking more time, although I would prefer it went faster. The real pressure is that I am essentially getting financial help from my mother who I am not comfortable getting financial help from, so this adds pressure to get the school done faster to end this deal I have with this person. Why do I not trust this person? Because I know that what is being given to me is being given conditionally – the condition is the expectation of having a certain kind of relationship with this person, on their terms – which requires me to be something that I am not, which requires me to be a personality/character that I am not.

 

What is being given to me is not a form of unconditional help as someone who has more giving to someone who has less so that they can have a better life. It is not being given to me because of the person I am or because it is an investment in a person who may do more for others in return for the good fortune they have been given. No, it is because I am a son, and in this world, children are the greatest investment a parent can put money into for their old age – so long as the child ‘loves’ their parent as the parent gets older.

 

I wish these points could be discussed openly with my mother – I wish we could both recognize that the starting point for our relationship is fucked because we are simply both using each other for our own means. It would be cool if we could rather support each other, but do so within the context of then supporting others in this world with our good fortune – so that our good fortune is made with the best interests of all life in mind. That is what I would like to do with my good fortune – make a million dollars and help a million people – and for this reason, I don’t really feel ‘bad’ about getting financial help from another who has more than me. But at the same time, I know what I am ‘getting into’ and what is expected in return from me, and that is something that I don’t want to participate in. I have tried to discuss these points openly, and I have been shot down every time, and every way that I have tried to discuss this has been silenced by the one who has the money/power and thus the final say in this house. Changing our starting point for who we are and how we live in this world is something that is not acceptable to discuss in this household. Really, any point that has anything to do with looking at the inner nature of ourselves to make sure that it is able to be assessed as to whether or not it is in fact best for all life, has been deemed unacceptable. Instead, my mother would just rather keep living her own life and never actually investigating what I am sharing.

 

That is fine enough with me – her decision will be hers – but what is difficult is that while she wants to simply keep living in ignorant bliss of constantly being self absorbed and making herself happy and fulfilled with fuzzy warm feelings of love, I am expected to be a part of that and any kind of relationship I have with her that does not fit into that – is automatically misunderstood and seen as ‘negative’. I have tried to implore: study what I am saying, look into it because I am not here to convince or convert you, if you research and investigate this, you will better understand me and our relationship will certainly then improve. But there is not willingness to do this as I have shared enough and she has seen enough to understand one thing: that what I am doing and the changes I am making do in fact take away from the fuzzy lovey dovey ‘mother-son’ relationship that she wants with me. So it is at the point where who I am and what I am doing has been judged, demonized and there is a desire to snuff it out and end it. There is an authoritarian demand that I simply stop who I am and conform to her way of life and ‘respect her ways’. It is interesting how what one person desires automatically becomes an imposition of the way others live and express themselves, without even realizing this because one is so wrapped up in their own fears and desires.

 

Anyways, since it looks like we have a disagreement, it doesn’t make sense to continue having agreements and so I will be working on removing myself from this situation. It is difficult to live in a place where not only am I not allowed to express myself – I mean, not even being able to bring up and discuss certain issues because they are seen as negative – but having expectations put on you to be something/someone else according to the life/world/reality another person wants to create and mold the world around them into. I find it uncomfortable living here since we are at this point of being at odds, especially since we had an argument one day where all the attacks and judgments about who I am and what I am  involved in came out in full force, and I stood my ground, not giving into any form of intimidation or manipulation. At one point, that which I was being given as financial support was thrown in my face and used against me in our argument, as the reason why I should conform to her side of it – as I expected it would be – and this is an old issue, where historically I have not really trusted her because this has been done before, where she has used things she has done for me, like paying for things, against me to get what she wants because she is righteous for giving it to me – otherwise I am a ‘ungrateful’. I really should have seen this coming before I moved back to Canada, but I was ignorant in my fears and pursuit of getting a degree done.

 

Things have become somewhat easier lately as I keep interaction simple and know ‘where not to go’ in discussion, and since I have made the decision to find a way out, ‘there is light at the end of the tunnel.’

 

My concern has been that I am doing this in spitefulness, because I do react to her. Why? Because as I have explained to her, we are essentially the same, all people are essentially the same. But the defining point in this is that I have made the decision to expose myself and start investigating myself and sorting myself out because it is simply what has to be done, it is common sense. I do not see how it is possible to practically work with a person who has taken a clear stance that opposes doing this. I make the exact same mistakes as her – on a daily basis – but I am calling myself out on it and when called out on it by myself or anyone, I will come clean about the fact of who I am and what must be done to correct it.

 

I never felt good about my move back to Canada. I felt like I had such a good life in Thailand, that I had really made for myself from scratch. I had established bonds there that I really cherished, and I feel stupid that I left them for the fear that I would not have them forever, and from this fear, the temptation I had created to go back and do a University degree for security reasons. Living in this world without a degree feels very unsafe at times, but I really shouldn’t have resorted to this unless I had no other choice. I felt I had to make a decision and was perhaps too pre-emptive.

 

However I do not want to trap myself in guilt – I am not stuck here by any means, and I did after all, get the better part of a degree done so far, which I would still like to eventually complete. I have learned a lot from being here, about myself, although perhaps it was not necessary to learn ‘the hard way’ as I have.

 

Ok, I have already written much more than expected – this just goes to show as I have said in the beginning how supportive it can be to simply put aside the fear of what comes out/being judged by others and simply write, because obviously I had a lot on my mind and it is a ‘weight off my shoulders’ to get it all out. Now time for some Self forgiveness on all these points.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself through daily self reflective writing to expose and write out the inner points that I am dealing with throughout my daily experiences as the accumulation of inner thoughts, feelings and emotions as a self support tool, and that I have allowed the fear of judgment hold me back from applying myself this way

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear failing in school because I fear losing money and having to work longer to get my degree, within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel pressure to complete my degree with haste and fear losing money because the money is given to me based within an agreement that is not based in real trust as equality

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to form agreements with others that are not based in equality as what is best for all life which then place me in a position of limitation – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for placing myself in an agreement without real trust where I am fully dependent on another who I do not trust.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed fear and greed to get the best of me in moving back to Canada within the fear that I would not be able to have a successful life in Thailand and thus had to make a new life in Canada – not realizing the stability and support I had in Thailand which I squandered and did not recognize, naively adjusting my view of life in Canada being projected as better than it would be to fit my desire to be here for a long term period of time to finish my degree.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not make agreements based on what works practically within the context of what is best for all but instead used faith and belief to cater to my fears and self interest in believing that things will be better than they really are

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed to recognize that self support and stability must be in place and recognized to be able to suit long term goals – that I must recognize and establish what is a valid platform of support to then begin to ‘branch out’ from – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up such platforms of support in fear and greed believing which have me overlook what is real support as a platform to live and branch out from and instead have me live in the wasteland of faith and belief in something better

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wish and hope that another will change simply because it suits my own plans/ideals of what I want in life, and that I have limited myself to this hope – when in fact I am only able to direct me and must do so unconditionally

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and create an experience of love or happy feelings or anything ‘more than’ what is really here as life with others, and that I have not simply accepted and allowed myself to live/exist participate within LIFE as what is here in the moment and to accept life and within this, accept myself as life and enable myself to explore and experience life in whatever form it exist instead of always trying to ‘make something more’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry or disappointed when life does not conform to the experience I want to make of it as ‘something more’ instead of simply moving on to experience/explore life in other ways that is real as working with what is HERE – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry at others who attempt to do this and refuse to change the tendency of doing this and they do not understand what they are doing, I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that they do not understand what they are doing or for judging them for not investigating what they are doing

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowing myself to fear losing financial support and that which I desire or have defined as being ideal and within this that I have accepted to compromise myself/who I am for this pursuit of what I believe I desire/is ideal

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself because I react, as if I am not ‘worthy’ of making self directive decisions to stand up and support myself practically because I have judged myself/feel bad about myself for not being perfect, reacting, having an ego – and within this that I have allowed others to play on this point of judging myself for not being perfect so that I do not stand up

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I’ve ‘lost out’ on a great life as my old life in Thailand or that I will be ‘missing out’ on some opportunities if I leave Canada – not realizing that life is what I make it wherever I am and that if I am self honest and stand up/support myself within all environments, I will always find my way

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to learn things the difficult way when there is always an easier way through self honesty and self forgiveness practically applied

 

I commit myself to form agreements that are based within the context of what is practically measurably certainly self supportive within the context of what is best for all life

 

I commit myself to always stand up for myself as life in self honesty as self directive principle no matter where I am or what I am facing or what my current situation is

 

I commit myself to never allow money, fear or greed be the directive principle in my life

 

I commit myself to not follow ideas/ideals of what would be best in life as what seems ‘easier’ simply because I fear facing myself and applying myself to do what is best for all life

 

I commit myself to support myself effectively through daily self writing and self reflection that is practical, relevant, self honest here

 

I commit myself to be tenacious, diligent and determined in finding a way for self to support self within the context of what is best for all life

 

I commit myself to work out practically/mathematically what will work for me and support me within the context of what is best for all and to investigate all possible options and outcomes to find what is best

 

I commit myself to stop trying to create an experience of something greater/more than life as what is here

 

I commit myself to create practical, substantial financial and worldly support and independence before moving forward as taking practical steps, whether small or big

 

I commit myself to create a life of real excellence that is best for all

http://www.desteni.co.za

http://www.desteniiprocess.com

http://www.equalmoney.org