Tag Archives: caring

Day 326: The value of ranting and raving

 

Tonight I began working on a ‘mind construct’ – this is a technique used to deconstruct the knowledge and information of the kind which comprises the beliefs, opinions, ideas and perceptions that exist in the mind which create what is referred to as the ‘mind consciousness system’ – here I am using specific terminology that I have learned through the Desteni I Process. It is a self help and life coaching course which teaches practical tools which one can use to deconstruct their own mind, to be able to life a life if clarity that is not directed and controlled by the mind as the mind has been created and programmed by us with the influence and taint of our society and culture. A ‘mind construct’ is an invaluable tool that allows one to look at themselves in a way that is not biased and takes real work here in the physical – no guessing games or spiritual tricks, it is real technical/mechanical stuff.

 

The first part of doing a mind construct is simply to rant and rave – to let the mind rant and rave about whatever the point is that one is facing. The purpose of this is to provide one with the real, candid stuff of the mind, which one can then use and utilize as the content that of the mind that will be worked with and deconstructed. This is the part of the mind construct I have worked on tonight.

 

As usual, the ranting and raving provided me with an initial sense of relief, of just being able to ‘speak my mind’ in a way where I am not suppressing myself or hiding from myself or fearing how I might be judged. It is rare in this world that we give ourselves moments in our lives where we can be truly open and candid. But one of the other reasons we do not do this is the fact that we fear what we will uncover and discover – because everyone knows the truth of themselves is not so nice.

 

But this fear of ranting and raving, this fear of facing ourselves only comes from a perspective of not knowing how to deal with it, not knowing how to change it – we fear that when we rant and rave, it will be from a starting point of believing in what we are ranting and raving about, and thus may be further influenced by that mentality if we rant and rave – therefore not having the self trust, self-assurance and fearlessness of knowing that whatever it is that we uncover/discover: we can correct it, we can change it. This is understandable – we are taught in every possible way to not focus on ourselves, to not be insightful, to focus only on the superficial and the world around us – and if one does happen to be insightful and want to investigate themselves deeper, we are certainly not given any tools with which we can correct and direct that which we uncover/discover within ourselves.

 

But this education now here, if one is looking for it, in the Desteni I Process, or even DIP Lite, which is completely free. There are those out there who have the know-how and the willingness to teach and support others because they themselves have made a commitment to themselves to support themselves and other to make this world a place that is best for all life. There is no more reason to run, to hide, to fear, to avoid, to suppress, to judge – the solution and the tools are here – we simply have to be willing to give those tools to ourselves, to give ourselves back to ourselves, to realize that – even if don’t know yet – there is something more to this life than what we have accepted and allowed – will we accept and allow ourselves to go further and dig deeper? That is a question that we owe it to ourselves to answer with great care and consideration.

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Day 308: Re-defining who I am in my relationship to women

When I am bluntly honest and direct with myself about my relationship towards women, within the point of attraction to females, I can say without a doubt that I am existing within a point of desire that is then expressed as lust – and energetic experience where I experience both exhilaration at getting what I desire or the prospect of getting what I desire, and then the other side of the coin, sadness, anger, a feeling of loss when I do not get what I want or do now have any hope/prospects.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined being young and ‘cute’ as being being beautiful, special and ‘worth more’ – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘cuteness’ as being young and small and having a high pitched voice and having certain proportions where there is ‘baby fat’ that makes one look young and pudgy, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have realized the trap of cuteness and defining certain things as cute and giving them a positive energetic charge because subconsciously I am aware that being cute means not being a physical threat and that I have more physical power over that which is cute and thus believe I can control it and do not need to fear it because it can never hurt me – not seeing, realizing and understanding that the deception of ‘cute’ as apparently being desirable and harmless is in fact an insidious way to control me through me being favorable and extra-kind to that which I define as cute within the belief that it is harmless and desirable, as that which I seek to control and have power over because I have it, will end up having power and control over me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined the female body and its shape/curves as being special/more than/desirable because this has been presented to me time and time again through media as being special/desirable, as something that will apparently bring me happiness and fulfillment if I can have access to it and control it because in the mind it is has been turned into a commodity to be sought after, owned and possessed – not realizing the trap, like with any possessions, that that which I give added value to that is not real as commodities will end up possessing me because I then create a dependency where I am ‘less than’ and experience myself as ‘less than/going without/losing something’ if I do not possess such things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define women as being desirable within the principle of ‘wanting that which I am not/wanting that which I have separated myself from’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding the desire/need/want/dependency that I have created through defining myself as separate – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire certain attributes of females that I have further defined myself as separate from such as: dark skin, soft skin that feels different, skin that is not mine, differently shaped eyes, cheeks, nose, smaller shoulders, breasts, buttocks, the vagina, female body fat, small body size, female leg shape, lack of body hair, long hair on the head, long eyelashes, long nails, slender hands and arms, differently shaped lips, big lips – everything about the female body that I have defined as desirable because I have defined myself, and within this creating the belief that I must gain access to/control over that which I have defined as separate from myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of ‘comfort’ when I have access to/have a feeling of control over that which I have defined as desirable as the female body, wherein I feel comfortable and safe because I have what I believe I need and momentarily subside the fear of losing that which I have defined as needing/valuable – not realizing that this comfort is in fact just the momentary subsiding/escape from the fear of loss

I have seen within me that when I do not get what I want, or I consider the point of giving up all these points which I desire/have defined positively, I go into a kind of sadness, a kind of experience of hopelessness, where it is like my whole world is ending, like I am preparing for some big loss – this I have to realize is based on past experiences where I did not understand that my desires were merely desires – illusory creations – and thus, when giving up the desires, I would have to give up the whole relationship and any/all forms of interactions/communication. This is no longer the case. I am able to only give up that which is illusory and simply continue living and interacting otherwise – it is just that without desire, this living/interaction becomes a different kind of expression – this is something that must not fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of depression/negativity/sadness/seriousness when applying myself to change myself within a relationship or even looking at the prospect of changing myself in the relationship, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply look at such a prospect in the mind rather than acting directly, here in the moment as breath, as when looking at the point in the mind, all kinds of resonant memories are activated wherein change was only understood as the ending of all interaction and the relationship turned sour and I did not in fact change but just went into another relationship of the same kind – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear changing who I am and to simply remain here, rather than to look for a way out of the relationship so that I do not have to change myself in fact.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear transforming my relationship to others and to myself and within this, to fear the transformation of my interactions with others

When and as I see myself reacting to any point about a female which I have defined as being special/different/desirable/of high value/of great importance which pertains to their looks or any aspect of their expression that pertains to such definitions – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am only being stimulated according to how I have defined such people in this way, and that this stimulation is producing the energy that is moving me to act – and thus I do not accept and allow myself to be stimulated by or to act on such points as they arise in my interactions with/observations of females as my thoughts, feelings and emotions about females

When and as I see myself reacting to females within such definitions as they are cute, soft, curvy, well proportioned, dark skinned, feminine sounding, have long hair, slender hands and arms, big or different looking eyes, small body and all other points that fit within the definition of the female archetype that I have created in my mind within a point of separation/fear of loss and the subsequent commodification and valuing of such an archetype that I have separated myself from – I stop, I breathe, I do not act on my reactions to such points as I see these reactions arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself feeling/believing that I need and require to have access to and control over such points as I have commodified them – I stop, breathe and I do not participate in such desires as the fear of loss and the desire to attain as they arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I remain here as breath, stable and constant, and without fear of loss

When and as I see myself going into a negative experience of myself of sadness/loss/depression/hopelessness/seriousness – I stop and breathe as I realize that such a perception is ‘making more out of things than there really is, because this is how I experienced changes in my relationships in the past, as completely negative and turning into spitefulness and hatred and the complete stopping of any communication due to this – and thus I do not overcompensate for this point of self change as going into this emotional reaction, thus allowing myself to remain here and face the points here in the moment as myself as breath, and no longer look to the mind as negative emotions/feelings/thoughts based on past experiences as a way of not having to take self responsibility here in the moment and direct myself as breath unconditionally and without fear

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I always have the tendency to desire that which I believe I am separate from, only because I have defined myself as separate to it in the first place, based on past experiences, and tat I only desire such points based on this self definition/definition of others as the belief that I am separate/not one/not equal and the fear of loss created within such separation.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the comfort I experience from attaining/having access to/having control over a woman’s body is in fact only based on this fear of loss and thus to enjoy the experience of having access/control over such things as I have defined them as separate, is only a momentary escape/appeasement from the fear of loss that I have created and am existing within/as

I commit myself to change and transform who I am within relationships and my interactions within females to stand as one and equal, no longer existing within/as separation and fear of loss, and to do this in the moment without the mind guiding me and any backdoors that the fear of loss may try to open – I commit myself to change who I am unconditionally and without fear within the faith and understanding that if I give of myself unconditionally within equality and oneness as that which I would like to receive, that the outcome will always be that which is best for all life.

Day 302: Relationship exposure

 

Today I will be sharing a rather ‘personal’ blog from a journal entry. I actually don’t mind sharing personal stuff here, however I have had some resistance to doing so (just as I have also had to writing about this subject at all, and just as I usually tend to have resistance to writing in self honesty) and a bit of fear that others could judge me, react negatively or even try to use personal information against me in some form of slander – however I am quite certain that there is nothing illegal about having relationship problems lol. So, enjoy:

 

So there have been a lot of intense emotions today. I felt sort of bad and drained about the sex I participated in last night. It felt robotic, careless, totally energy based. All my thoughts have been about this other person and feeling not appreciated by her, like she just doesn’t care. I try to not take it personally because it is like, how she is, is about her, not me, and also, there is no point in getting angry and upset as a way of trying to control the situation by throwing a tantrum. It feels good to write this stuff out, perhaps I should have done this sooner since I’ve had the opportunity, and perhaps this is even partly where the experience of feeling like another does not care is coming from.

 

I feel like I should stop trying to engage her. I feel like when I try to talk to her, she is not interested, she doesn’t even notice. I feel like when I try to share things with her, she doesn’t care and doesn’t even notice. I feel like when I try to touch her, she does not care and doesn’t even notice. That’s about it. I feel like, what is the point of always trying to engage this person when they have no interest in anything about me? I feel like she is more interested in my image than the actual me, like she takes more photos of me than times she actually talks to me, like she is just with me so she can post photos of her relationship on facebook. I feel like when she touches me, I am treated like more of a toy, and object, than a real being.

 

Perhaps I am just disappointed because I want a nice, energetic experience that another cares about me. Perhaps I am just disappointed that I allow myself to try to ‘make something happen’ with a person just because she fits a nice image and profile that I like, but doesn’t actually make practical sense to do so and thus I get frustrated with myself that I just won’t accept the truth.

 

I then ask, but what is the point of relationships if it is just about a practical agreement, if there is no feeling, love and intimacy as I have defined them in the past. I mean if this is the starting point, then I really just need to make an agreement with myself. The ability to do so with another is not something that I ever expect to happen. And then there are circumstances that bind me to others where an agreement is impossible and I only can make an agreement with myself. What this all comes down to, whether amongst others or alone, I am making an agreement with myself. I keep telling myself, ‘well I can just do it within a relationship, I don’t have to change my agreement with another/change the circumstances I’m in – but then I wonder – what the hell is the point of being here? Perhaps there is value in not reacting to the other, in maintaining the agreement with myself no matter what is going on with another – but then I fear I will lose the relationship ‘things will turn bad’ because the person is also not getting what they want. This is what scares me – staying in the relationship and changing myself, disengaging from the survival systems I have always used and having to use practical tools – writing, self investigation, breathing – because here I am delving into the unknown.

 

I want to be able to ‘just express myself with this person’ in terms of how I have always operated, but then it feels like it always falls on deaf ears, and when it is not reciprocated, or when I can’t do it, I just feel shitty, I go into withdrawal and have all these thoughts.

 

Cerise wrote today about how Bernard always seemed like he didn’t care, and this is what I fear being perceived as, because there is so much that I am not interested in and just wouldn’t really participate in, and would have to ‘step back from’. So, perhaps this is what I fear of others because this is how I perceive things. Still, I don’t think it is unreasonable to strive to develop communication and intimacy, but perhaps this is what it will take – to first disengage, to delve into the unknown, to take on, deal with and face points as they come up in the moment, here as breath, in self honestly as I go along. To let go of the old so that I may live anew.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for validation within the experience of having a relationship with another, through what I have defined as love and caring

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear disengaging from that which I have always used to participate in relationships as the looking for stimulation and validation, using thoughts, emotions and feelings as the fear of loss as that which is driving me to engage another

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear changing within a relationship because I am no longer dependent on old systems/ways of communicating/participating, and energy, and am rather taking on a new challenge where I walk the path unknown and re-define all aspects of my participation in self honest common sense

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined love and caring as ‘we must interact and communicate’ – not realizing that sometimes it is necessary to step back from that which is not real to even give myself the opportunity to live for real

 

I commit myself to stop allowing the fear of loss and the desire for energy to drive me as the tendency to engage and interact with others and influence how I engage and interact with others

 

I commit myself to allow myself to remain here as breath – not matter what occurs in my external reality – as the self trust to disengage from utilizing systems that are based in fear of loss – and to simply exist self honestly, where I no longer embellish or try to manipulate events in a way that are favorable to an outcome that I have designed in my mind where I have envisioned an ideal of perfection, as I see, realize and understand that all forms of perfection – both individual and in relationship agreements – must be based in self honesty and not fear of loss – and thus I do not accept and allow myself to compromise myself and that which is best for myself/all life by giving into such desires to participate in old systems that are design in fear of loss, as they occur as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

 

I commit myself to give myself back to myself and within this, to stop acting out of spite and blame, as I see, realize and understand that by giving myself back to myself by not compromising myself/principles that are best for all life, I will not longer exist in spite, blame and resentment as I have supported myself and given up old systems sufficiently to direct myself and my reality for real, here, self honestly as breath