Tag Archives: beauty

Day 314: Correcting addiction, desire and dependency within relationships

 

There are two points that I highlighted in my life as points to write about, that appear to be very much connected. One is my reaction to my girlfriend joking about breaking up with me, and the second is the fact that I reacted (within myself, not so overtly) to a relative talking about Thai-westerner relationships being based in money, being scandalous – the whole point of people using each other.

 

I can’t deny that desires exist within me that play out in my relationships, especially my relationship with my partner, the sexual and close-bond relationship. I can see how we as human beings use the closeness of relationships – being preoccupied with each other, focusing our attention on each other constantly – and love, as a way of not having to face ourselves, to not actually grow within relationships but rather stagnate and diminish. Fascinating that stagnation is actually diminishment.

 

I can’t deny that I don’t do this, because I am very attracted to my partner in many ways. It is as though through separating myself from myself, by not wanting to face myself and what I have become, I look for that closeness in others, I focus on the likeable and positive qualities of another to get this experience of satisfaction when I know everything is not ok, both within myself and within this world. Here I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but simply refer to the fact that we as human beings live in constant fear and that’s what our thoughts, feelings and emotions are all about – this constant state of fear and desire (fear always breeds desire) that we live in.

 

In fact I am really attracted to my partner, to the point where it is noticeably difficult to focus on what is important in life. Not in ‘my life’ – in life.

 

So the other point of reacting to a joke of losing her is just an outflow of this point – not wanting to lose my distraction, my escape, my drug that keeps me blind from reality. This is not to say that it is wrong to be with her in some way – actually, it is quite cool and opportunistic to be able to face myself in a relationship – it is that the whole notion of ‘losing her’ is not real because I don’t ‘have her’ in the first place – that is projection of the illusion I am living in where in fact, the ‘idea of a relationship’ has me. The entire experience of escaping reality through positive feelings (or sometimes negative, you can’t have the first without the second) is the ‘relationship’ that has got control over me, the idea/experience that has got control over me – an idea, a figment of the imagination that is not even real, is controlling my entire perception and way that I live! I have written on this point recently about how relationships in themselves are actually just a belief system, a religion – they’re not even real but just a figment of the imagination. We are always alone with ourselves in fact – yet we are all one, here together in our aloneness.

 

And it is this reality that I would like to start living in, the only reality that there is – the physical reality where we are simply here together. The problem is that, as my second reaction showed, I fear giving up the illusion, simply saying ‘no’ to the temptation to focus on another and get distracted and moving on to the next point that requires my attention in actual fact. It sometimes seems so difficult to break away from this habit because I tell myself that my girlfriend is so attractive and that there are so many nice things about her, but I know that within this positively charged viewpoint, I am only seeing what I want to see and not seeing her/life for what it really is in its entirety. Sometimes when a habit is so engrained, it seems impossible to go about life another way. But I have already proven to myself that it is possible. Quitting ‘cold turkey’ is challenging because this tendency/habit/pattern of focusing on my partner is really engrained t the point of being automated. It will be important to be strict and yet patient with myself.

 

I forgive myself tat I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my relationships as a way of escaping my reality and truth of myself, and not having to actually face myself and take self responsibility, through focusing on both the positives or negatives of another person that I’ve actually convinced myself are real, and used their behavior as evidence of this, when in fact what all humans including myself are currently living is not real, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my dual nature of the mind as characters of good and evil onto other people and not having to then face myself and correct my own inner demons that present themselves as characters of good and evil, by judging the same points in other people, playing deceptive games with myself where I am constantly judging and essentially saying ‘look at that person, they are so good!’ or ‘look at that person, they are so bad!’ which is essentially just the same bullshit game – fearing that which I am and diverting myself from the truth of me by focusing on the apparent good and bad of others

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define good and bad as pictures and associate these pictures with the ones I like/agree with/am similar to as the good, and the ones I don’t like/agree with/am not similar too as the bad, within this not realizing that these are just characters projections that I have created through association/belief while in fact, all are equal as life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define/judge my girlfriend as both good and bad characters, and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to thus be attracted to the good characters and repelled by the bad characters, not seeing and realizing that I am playing games with myself that limit me from ever seeing life direct, as equal and one, by not stopping these projections and rather recognize life firstly within myself and thus in others as well

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of this energetic relationship I have towards others and my partner, and thus to fear ‘losing the relationship’ or to desire to be ‘more close within the relationship’ for that matter, not realizing that there I am trying to experience myself within these projections of good and bad characters, when the only real interaction and communication that can exist would be through standing here unconditionally as equals and not accepting anything else as mental projections of each other that we only see in our minds perception of the physical

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to touch and have physical sensation/experience of the good character that I have defined my partner/others as, while I have wanted to avoid and escape the bad characters that I have defined or may define others – including my partner – as

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my partner as beautiful and special and treat her as such, as something desire to be experienced and close to, not realizing that this definition is only created within the context of wanting to escape reality/the truth of myself and not actually see life/myself for what it really is and that real closeness/experience of another can only exist when you see another for real/as yourself and without illusions of perception

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the pattern of being distracted/preoccupied by my partner as if I will ‘miss out on something’ and constantly wanting to experience her in some positive way and be distracted by such experiences – and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it will be impossible or difficult to break this habit as I have been doing it for so long

 

When and as I see myself playing games with myself where I am judging others/my partner as good or bad – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that I am playing games with myself and fucking with myself by projecting my inner self onto others and through this, creating beliefs about others that are not in fact true, so that I can be deluded and not have to face myself, as the mind is tricky in this way and will use ‘evidence’ that I see in others, which is in fact my own projections of myself, to fool me into believing that what I see and believe and experience on a mental level is real – thus I do not participate in such thoughts/judgments about others as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to identify the moments in which I judge another/react to how I have already defined another as either good or bad, or in the case of a partner in a relationship, as attractive/desirable or undesirable, and to not act on such desires, but rather stop and breathe when I see myself possessed by sch desires in the moment, to remain here as breath as I see, realize and understand that such actions only further engrain these beliefs/projections/desires and thus I will be strict in not participating in these desires as energy, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, within this, prove to myself that I can in fact live real love through standing as equal and one myself and others

 

I commit myself to stop justifying my addictions to my partner of focusing on my partner and looking for positive energetic experiences with my partner with the idea that ‘it is ok because we are in a relationship’ as I see, realize and understand that I am justifying and normalizing addictive behavior that in fact destroys relationships as it drives me to lose control by placing my addiction for positive energy experiences above all life

 

When and as I see myself judging my partner as beautiful and desirable or undesirable/someone I must avoid – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that the judgments of beautiful and desirable are based on programming/past memories of what I believe will apparently satisfy me and make me happy and bring me a positive energy experience with which I can escape myself/not face myself, and that the judgments of undesirable/to be avoided are based on observing behaviors which I only fear because they reflect to me the nature of me, or additionally the fear that I cannot change/direct such a nature within me and thus cannot direct it in another, and thus this too is another way of not having to face myself and stand unconditionally in support of myself and others/my partner as life – thus I do not participate in either of these judgments nor do I act on them, when I see them arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

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Day 313: Male ego desires and control in a relationship

Here is the description of the ultimate female partner from the perspective of the male ego:

My ideal woman. My ideal woman should be sexy and beautiful, young and cute. She should be very innocent but a devil when I want her to be. Meaning she should be well behaved and never have a single impure thought, super innocent, but when I want her to basically be my own personal slut, she should be that. She should be completely loyal and love me to an obsessive degree, catering to my every whim. Of course she should never be disloyal and or change from this, so I don’t want any unpredictable behavior, and so of course I don’t want her doing drugs or hanging out with the wrong crowd who could influence her in any other way that may have her deviate from being the person that I want her to be. She should always be pleasant and never have a problem, and if there ever was one, she should tell me and deal with it in an absolute perfect way. I don’t want to have any tough confrontations, because that is too scary, I might feel like I could lose here!

It’s all about control. It is all about self interest and of course it is never about what is best for all. Self serving and self preservation is all that matters in the eyes of the mind/ego. How do I know this? Well, I am human, and I am a male. I am not saying that all males are like this, but many secretly are like this, and really just try and get as much out of this as they possibly can. The same way we as individuals try to get ‘the best out of life that we can for ourselves’ – why would our relationships be any different? What is that feeling when you get a great deal at the shopping mall all about? “yes, I won! I got a great deal, it was a bargain” – but did you ever stop and ask yourself – who had to lose? If it is a great deal for me, if it wasn’t a total fair and equal exchange, then who lost out while I benefitted? It is a simple arithmetic.

Much self forgiveness is required, point by point – here I will start with ‘the ideal woman’ that every man wants.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to have a woman that only suits my self interest and beliefs about what will please me and make me happy, because I fear to face myself and be alone with myself and thus want someone to constantly stimulate me into some kind of a positive experience and never break the flow of energy of positive feelings so that I can stay drugged forever with positive feelings and never actually have to face reality, learn, grow and become a better being for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to ‘have it both ways’ with a woman where I want her to be pure and innocent with all others but then be willing to do any deviant or nefarious act so long as it is within the context of what I believe I want and what makes me happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have a woman obsess over me and cater to my every whim and believe I am/treat me like I am a God, and if I so happen to treat a woman like a Goddess within this context, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to only do so because this is what I want in return, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give up the act and let her see me as a regular person/equal within the self trust that I will stand for life and support her in all ways to see, realize and understand the value that she and I as life both have and share

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to obsess over loyalty and obedience and a partner being the things I believe I want her to be, only because it stimulates/feeds my mind/ego with the energy it needs to be able to exist, and within this, that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify such controls as being in her best interest by associating it with her being a ‘good’ and ‘loyal’ and ‘trustworthy’ person who ‘never does anything bad’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire for my partner to never do any drugs or anything devious or be influenced by others, but from a starting point of wanting to control her because I fear that she may not be the loyal servant that I want who will give me everything I want

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I want, need and desire a woman who fits all of my criteria that is easy to control and is perfect and never has problems and is always pleasant and never confronts me or gives me difficult challenges – as I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my positive energy experience and believing that a relationship with a woman must be a positive energy experience, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to be challenged is actually quite cool because it gives me an opportunity to look at myself and become a better person who is able to be more effective and directive in caring for life

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship and always take points of challenge/conflict/emotional reaction back to myself so that I may correct and improve myself and thus have a more enjoyable experience of myself and relationships that is actually real and not energy/illusion based

I commit myself to let go of any criteria/ideals that I have created about my girlfriend needing to be perfect, sweet, innocent, pleasant, harmless, obedient and never making mistakes – I commit myself to stand as the being that I would like to see others stand as and no longer blame others for their shortcomings but rather trust myself in self honesty to stand as the example, no matter how difficult it seems and how intense the fear may be of how another is living and what they may do to me

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to control my girlfriend because I fear that she may harm me, and even justify this fear/desire to control as it being ‘good for her life too’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this desire to control is just the ego fearing unpredictability so that I do not have to stand for/as life with integrity – thus I do not participate in this desire to control my partner as it arises within my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself wanting to escape/give up on the relationship because I see that my partner is having problems/is not perfect/is doing things that may have negative/unpredictable consequences in the future – I stop, I breathe, I see how I am deceptively trying to escape the situation using the ‘what if’ fear and that I am only doing this and focusing on another not being perfect because I myself do not want to give up the fear of what others may do to me and rather stand unconditionally as the example as what is best for all life – and thus I do not participate in this desire to give up and remain here as the living example, by not giving into this desire/justification/deception, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions would have me do

When and as I see myself wanting desiring to treat my partner like a Goddess – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is only ‘giving to get’ and that I fear if I do not do this, she will not think I am special too and treat me like a God and might leave and thus I could lose my energetic experience with this person – and thus I allow myself to remain here as breath, treating my partner as an equal through showing her who I really am, with the self trust that by showing her who I really am in self honesty as life, that the value of life may be realized as this gives the only chance that we could ever share real life as equals and one – thus I do not participate in this deceptive desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship, and to embrace another with all their flaws and fuck-ups, through embracing and facing myself and all my fuck ups with self honesty and self corrective application, so that no matter what another does/is living, I remain here, trustworthy with/as life

Day 308: Re-defining who I am in my relationship to women

When I am bluntly honest and direct with myself about my relationship towards women, within the point of attraction to females, I can say without a doubt that I am existing within a point of desire that is then expressed as lust – and energetic experience where I experience both exhilaration at getting what I desire or the prospect of getting what I desire, and then the other side of the coin, sadness, anger, a feeling of loss when I do not get what I want or do now have any hope/prospects.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined being young and ‘cute’ as being being beautiful, special and ‘worth more’ – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘cuteness’ as being young and small and having a high pitched voice and having certain proportions where there is ‘baby fat’ that makes one look young and pudgy, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have realized the trap of cuteness and defining certain things as cute and giving them a positive energetic charge because subconsciously I am aware that being cute means not being a physical threat and that I have more physical power over that which is cute and thus believe I can control it and do not need to fear it because it can never hurt me – not seeing, realizing and understanding that the deception of ‘cute’ as apparently being desirable and harmless is in fact an insidious way to control me through me being favorable and extra-kind to that which I define as cute within the belief that it is harmless and desirable, as that which I seek to control and have power over because I have it, will end up having power and control over me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined the female body and its shape/curves as being special/more than/desirable because this has been presented to me time and time again through media as being special/desirable, as something that will apparently bring me happiness and fulfillment if I can have access to it and control it because in the mind it is has been turned into a commodity to be sought after, owned and possessed – not realizing the trap, like with any possessions, that that which I give added value to that is not real as commodities will end up possessing me because I then create a dependency where I am ‘less than’ and experience myself as ‘less than/going without/losing something’ if I do not possess such things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define women as being desirable within the principle of ‘wanting that which I am not/wanting that which I have separated myself from’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding the desire/need/want/dependency that I have created through defining myself as separate – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire certain attributes of females that I have further defined myself as separate from such as: dark skin, soft skin that feels different, skin that is not mine, differently shaped eyes, cheeks, nose, smaller shoulders, breasts, buttocks, the vagina, female body fat, small body size, female leg shape, lack of body hair, long hair on the head, long eyelashes, long nails, slender hands and arms, differently shaped lips, big lips – everything about the female body that I have defined as desirable because I have defined myself, and within this creating the belief that I must gain access to/control over that which I have defined as separate from myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of ‘comfort’ when I have access to/have a feeling of control over that which I have defined as desirable as the female body, wherein I feel comfortable and safe because I have what I believe I need and momentarily subside the fear of losing that which I have defined as needing/valuable – not realizing that this comfort is in fact just the momentary subsiding/escape from the fear of loss

I have seen within me that when I do not get what I want, or I consider the point of giving up all these points which I desire/have defined positively, I go into a kind of sadness, a kind of experience of hopelessness, where it is like my whole world is ending, like I am preparing for some big loss – this I have to realize is based on past experiences where I did not understand that my desires were merely desires – illusory creations – and thus, when giving up the desires, I would have to give up the whole relationship and any/all forms of interactions/communication. This is no longer the case. I am able to only give up that which is illusory and simply continue living and interacting otherwise – it is just that without desire, this living/interaction becomes a different kind of expression – this is something that must not fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of depression/negativity/sadness/seriousness when applying myself to change myself within a relationship or even looking at the prospect of changing myself in the relationship, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply look at such a prospect in the mind rather than acting directly, here in the moment as breath, as when looking at the point in the mind, all kinds of resonant memories are activated wherein change was only understood as the ending of all interaction and the relationship turned sour and I did not in fact change but just went into another relationship of the same kind – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear changing who I am and to simply remain here, rather than to look for a way out of the relationship so that I do not have to change myself in fact.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear transforming my relationship to others and to myself and within this, to fear the transformation of my interactions with others

When and as I see myself reacting to any point about a female which I have defined as being special/different/desirable/of high value/of great importance which pertains to their looks or any aspect of their expression that pertains to such definitions – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am only being stimulated according to how I have defined such people in this way, and that this stimulation is producing the energy that is moving me to act – and thus I do not accept and allow myself to be stimulated by or to act on such points as they arise in my interactions with/observations of females as my thoughts, feelings and emotions about females

When and as I see myself reacting to females within such definitions as they are cute, soft, curvy, well proportioned, dark skinned, feminine sounding, have long hair, slender hands and arms, big or different looking eyes, small body and all other points that fit within the definition of the female archetype that I have created in my mind within a point of separation/fear of loss and the subsequent commodification and valuing of such an archetype that I have separated myself from – I stop, I breathe, I do not act on my reactions to such points as I see these reactions arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself feeling/believing that I need and require to have access to and control over such points as I have commodified them – I stop, breathe and I do not participate in such desires as the fear of loss and the desire to attain as they arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I remain here as breath, stable and constant, and without fear of loss

When and as I see myself going into a negative experience of myself of sadness/loss/depression/hopelessness/seriousness – I stop and breathe as I realize that such a perception is ‘making more out of things than there really is, because this is how I experienced changes in my relationships in the past, as completely negative and turning into spitefulness and hatred and the complete stopping of any communication due to this – and thus I do not overcompensate for this point of self change as going into this emotional reaction, thus allowing myself to remain here and face the points here in the moment as myself as breath, and no longer look to the mind as negative emotions/feelings/thoughts based on past experiences as a way of not having to take self responsibility here in the moment and direct myself as breath unconditionally and without fear

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I always have the tendency to desire that which I believe I am separate from, only because I have defined myself as separate to it in the first place, based on past experiences, and tat I only desire such points based on this self definition/definition of others as the belief that I am separate/not one/not equal and the fear of loss created within such separation.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the comfort I experience from attaining/having access to/having control over a woman’s body is in fact only based on this fear of loss and thus to enjoy the experience of having access/control over such things as I have defined them as separate, is only a momentary escape/appeasement from the fear of loss that I have created and am existing within/as

I commit myself to change and transform who I am within relationships and my interactions within females to stand as one and equal, no longer existing within/as separation and fear of loss, and to do this in the moment without the mind guiding me and any backdoors that the fear of loss may try to open – I commit myself to change who I am unconditionally and without fear within the faith and understanding that if I give of myself unconditionally within equality and oneness as that which I would like to receive, that the outcome will always be that which is best for all life.

Day 205: Stopping the sexualization and commodification of the female body

I’m going to have to lead by example and this will take real specific work to diffuse all the points of each and every pattern that I am stuck in. Today I checked out the word paradox because while I had a vague idea of what the word means, my understanding of it is limited as I have never really used the word.

Ok so I am back looking at the patterns involved in my relationships and sexuality. I have before talked about images in the mind and now I am looking at the point of how I have ‘created’ the image in my physical world – meaning that the images are already here in the physical world but that I have given extra value and meaning to these images. I notice it now especially since I am in a relationship, because within the relationship agreement there is the trust within the agreement that my partner and I won’t go out fucking other people, and since the relationship has started I notice how much I am actually looking at women’s bodies when I go out into public, and specifically focusing in on particular parts of the bodies. Of course everybody seems to be doing this to some degree or another, both men and women. We tend to refer to this sexualization of body parts in our minds as ‘objectification’ but that inherently doesn’t necessarily mean much because an object is really just an object – rather use the word ‘commodification’ because of the way these objects are turned into objects of desire for possession in a perception of personal gain.

Now I notice that when I am observing these body parts, it is stimulating a mental image as an impression of that image that arises as a thought, with all kinds of values/definitions/beliefs/ideas attached to it, which then charges me energetically as I go throughout my day doing this. I have now began to stop looking when I am in public when I notice that I am doing it, but at times it is very tempting to just continue looking – that ‘what if’ point of ‘what if I will find something more’. That something more is again as I have described, simply in the mind as the mental points as information/ideas/definitions/beliefs that I have associated with these body parts and the physical pictures I see of them. That something more is the ‘heavenly experience’ of being mentally charged through looking at them the ‘rush I get’ because essentially it is creating a point of friction within me which is then experience as excitement, like an adrenaline rush.

Now while I am busy working to stop the images in the mind, to stop looking at the pictures I see when I’m in my world going about my daily living, what is probably the most challenging is to not engage in this experience when I have physical access to the body parts, and I can through this physical touch/interaction, then experience the mental energy that I have mentioned about how I have defined these body parts in my mind, through physical touch – that is probably the most addicting because it is almost like I have made the images in my mind real because the association is so embedded where I touch – then automatically the mental information is triggered and then before I know it, my sexuality/intimacy is a mental experience.

Now what is fascinating about this whole experience is how similar it is to the way we commodify and take possession of the things in our environment/world in our capitalistic way of life – meaning that much of the excitement of the experience of these things is due to how much we have separated ourselves from them, and this act of separating ourselves from them is solidified through our desire to then have an experience of ownership/possession over them. We always tend to want what we don’t have. Let’s just take a look at a simple thing like breasts, for instance. Is it any different from that beautiful shiny new car that your neighbor has that you desire all the more simply because you (and he) believe and perceive that he has ownership over it and you don’t?

That is what the excitement of sexuality between men and women has become – the perceptual experience of attaining access to (or preferably some kind of ownership of) that which we perceive ourselves as separate from. “I don’t have that – I want it!” I mean if I had a pair of breasts then it probably wouldn’t be such an exciting thing to look at breasts would it? And in the cases where it is still the case that one with breasts likes to look at other people with breasts, this would then be more about how we have separated ourselves from each other as living beings/individuals, and even furthermore how we have separated ourselves from ourselves as life, through the creation of mental entities of ourselves called the mind. So as I investigate I see that this is extensive as the stopping of all objectification/commodification relates back to self definition that is created in fear of death/survival, but for now I will have to stick to dealing with the point at hand as each point of the mind can only be dealt with one by one.

There is a lot of research out there with which one can support themselves to see and understand how our sexuality has been developed by outside factors and mental information and the degree to which it controls us, if one is looking for it – for instance I suggest to study the work of Robert Jensen – however if one is not willing to give themselves the basic self respect of trying to understand themselves and facing the reality that you do in fact have a mind that controls your perception of reality (and inherent in that would be that your reality isn’t real because after all, reality is not a perception) then unfortunately there is nothing that can be done to help you get out of the mess that you can’t even admit you’re in.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as the physical body through creating a mental image of myself that is self-serving in terms of an image that I see as beneficial to my survival, containing within it certain traits that I have copied due to apparently being beneficial towards my chances of surviving and successful in this world as society has defined them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the female body as the differences in shape, namely in the legs, buttocks, hips, waist, breasts/chest, neck, arms and facial features – within this not realizing that these are chemical conditions which are then only given added value through how I/society have defined them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give added to value to the female body through defining it as ‘more than’ the male body and giving it added value do to the perceived exclusivity of it through defining it as separate from me/not me/not innately inhabited/possessed by me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to commodify a female body – or even my own male body – into something that I can apparently own or possess based on the desire to acquire it within a survival construct, due to how society has given extra value to the body as a commodity to be used in self interest and personal gain.

When and as I see myself becoming excited/stimulated by images/the touch of the female body or even my own body – I stop, I breathe, I see and realize how this has become a form of commodification/objectification/possession based in fear/self interest/survival – and I do not allow myself to participate in the thoughts/mental energy that is generated through the experience of seeing/touching them

I commit myself to touch and embrace the female body without a desire for an energetic experience and to embrace it as myself through breathing through the energies/thoughts/mental images arise through this experience – within this I commit myself to stop the expectation for an experience of ‘something more’ and to give up/breathe through the fear/belief that I am letting go of an experience of ‘something more’/something better

I commit myself to see what is beyond the mind as how I have come to define/experience the physical and the human body

I commit myself to stop giving added value to the female body and parts of the female body which I believe myself to be separate from simply because I am not having a perceptual experience of ‘possessing them’ through not touching/accessing them

When and as I see myself becoming excited/stimulated by the image/touch of female the female body and female body parts like breasts, buttocks and legs – I stop, I breathe, I do not continue my participation/movement based within this energy arising/stimulation, and rather breathe through it so that my movement is not creating a form of friction within me as energy/stimulation of the mind – I stop the mind control and move me here as breathe

Day 126: Revenge of the pretty woman – part 4

stylish photography of gorgeous asian women31
In this part, I am writing self corrective statements based on the self forgiveness statements I wrote in the previous blog, and what I have learned overall about myself through a recent experience where I was contacted by an ex girlfriend.

When and as I see myself going into thoughts/feelings/emotions of blame towards another such as an ex girlfriend based on the belief that I have been ‘hurt’ by them and any subsequent justifications of this such as having been lied to by them or used by them – I stop, I breathe – I realize that I am one and equal to this person and thus blame is useless as I am equally responsible and only able to direct myself to effect change in that which I see, and that this blame of focusing on what is wrong with another is only a way of shifting attention away from what I must change about me – and I do not participate within the mind as these thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself judging another as being fake – I stop, I breathe – I see that this judgment is about me and that I am simply required to see what is ‘fake’ in my own life and correct it – and thus I do not participate in this judgment of others as my thoughts, feelings or emotions

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to be with my ex or a woman like my ex as part of a relationship fantasy wherein I believe that this ‘ideal partner’ will somehow make me/my life better and save me from my own fears and inferiorities, and when and as I see myself acting on this desire – I stop, I breathe – I realize that this is simply an engrained habit that must be stopped through my non-participation over time – and I do not allow myself to act on/participate within these desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself trying to control my ‘love life’ as the desire to have a partner and maintain a partner or my prospective attempts at finding a partner – I stop and breathe, and realize that this attempt to get a partner and control my love/relationship life this way is based in fear, inferiority and the fear of loss wherein I believe that I MUST find some kind of ideal partner – I do not participate in this desire to control and manipulate myself/others/a situation as it arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring another who I believe has ‘done me wrong’ such as my ex girlfriends to ‘explain themselves to me – I stop, breathe and do not act on/participate within this desire as I see, understand and realize that this is based within the belief that another is responsible for how I feel and a desire to justify the mistakes I had made in the relationship so that I am not required to correct myself and who I am through having another take the blame so that I can move on and continue making the same mistakes within the belief that it was the other who was wrong – I do not act on these desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I stand here, self responsible for who I am in every moment so that I may create a better life and through this create a world that is best for all life

I commit myself to stop relationships that are based in self interest, dependency, fear, weakness, inferiority, fear of loss, control, desire, possessiveness, manipulation, deception

I commit myself to create relationships and interactions with others from a starting point of self honesty as what is best for all – here within and as the physical existence and to not allow any mind interference as I stop it in the moment when it arise and do not participate

I commit myself to stand as life as one and equal to all life where no relationships can exist that are not best for all life

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.org

www.equalmoney.org