So today, I had another desire to go back into a past pattern of thought. The pattern is not so much about the specific activity I am doing (which for privacy purposes, I will not be naming) – but rather, who I am within the experience as the thoughts that are coming up within me. It is like that with a lot of things. I am beginning to understand this as before, I would simply try to avoid/suppress the act, rather than dealing with the point of who I am within the act, meaning: how do I experience myself, what are the thoughts that come up during the act?
It would be like having a past patterns of being addicted to food, where the act of getting food and eating it brings up all kinds of thoughts as a mental experience that builds up energy, and then you’re mind fucked. Or playing on Facebook – Facebook can be cool, but turning it into a big mental experience by allowing all kinds of thoughts and for self to participate in such thoughts, is a different story, it would change one’s entire experience of being on facebook.
So rather than to avoid things because I fear to fall, I am stopping the fear and trusting myself to be honest with myself about who I am within the experience – to set boundaries with myself and be strict about what I will allow (or rather, not allow) within the mind.
Now this is not to be used as some kind of justification to lead self into past patterns – if it is found that I am unable to participate in an activity without the mind/thoughts completely taking over – then yes, I will step away for a while and work on things before I dare to venture back into the point.
Answers to our problems tend to be simple it is just the things we don’t want to look at, the things we don’t want to do, the things we fear to give up that is making life so difficult – but the answers are simplistic, and only self can be honest with self about whether or not self is in fact living the answer.
I forgive myself that I’ve tried to avoid certain activities because of past experiences of who I was in the activities and within this, not realizing how I am tacitly allowing myself to fear myself and rather not trust myself to actually apply myself for real in self honesty to change who I am within such activities, not allowing myself to give to myself the opportunity to change myself for real by changing who I am within this world and all that I participate in
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind to such an extent that I actually believe that I require the mind as thoughts to participate in certain activities, and fear to let go of the mind as thoughts.energy, not realizing that I am able to direct myself here as breath and create myself anew within/as breath through no longer allowing who I am and my self movement to be dictated by the mind as thoughts/energy
I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to change who I am in actual real time in physical reality by changing who I am within certain activities that have normally in the past been mental experiences, by stopping the actual thoughts/desires that come up when participating in activities – thus when and as I see thoughts pop up when participating in activities that had normally always been energy based for me – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I no longer require the mind/thoughts/energy to live, experience and enjoy myself as I have believed I require to in the past – and I walk as breath exploring physical activity without the mind intervening