So in the last blog I focused a lot of what the relationship pattern is all about and I noticed a lot of tendency to look at the overall point, like what it was all about, what the end goal was in the pattern or what the basic idea is, but I have not focused so much on how I experience myself within relationships. I have also noticed how much time has passed since my last blog – it did not feel like so much time had passed! It is fascinating how lost I can become in something which takes me away from the point of actually working through it. I often feel ‘hypocritical’ for engaging in mind patterns/habits but then writing about it, but the point is not to be this ascended being, but rather simply use writing as a tool to see self honestly how I experience myself in my daily habits/patterns. They are going to be ‘lived out’ anyways so there is no point in suppressing.
It dawned on me today that the point of writing is after all to become intimate with myself and really get to know myself well. A question was asked that I heard: where am I not being deeply honest with myself?
So with regards to how I am experiencing myself, there are a lot of thoughts about this particular woman in my life where I am always in conflict in terms of wanting to be with her or not – part of me still desires the feelings/experience/I get when we do certain things together, but another part of me sees how unrealistic this is, what a fantasy it is. There is this whole dream about having this young beautiful partner, a long term partner with marriage and children but there is really no substance to it in terms of the reasons WHY we would be together, like actual intimacy, trust and relationship building through really working together and supporting each other.
Another thought pattern that is coming up is me having thoughts about why I cannot have a relationship with this person because they are untrustworthy, because of me realizing/understanding that it is common for people to make mistakes (“cheat”) and at the very least, have interests/attraction to other people, because in my relationship fantasy/desire I would like this perfect person that is completely loyal to me – so here again a point of wanting to control and secure my source of energy as this ideal/experience. There are also judgments that go along with this as this person apparently being bad or not good enough, but the fascinating reality is that regardless of how this person may or may not be: what I am seeing is myself. I have had such a tendency to be a ‘womanizer’ – meaning just wanting women for some kind of amazing ‘larger than life’ experience of myself. I get an ego boost through the experience of ‘getting women’, an adrenaline rush of basically getting an attractive woman to have sex with me or even more, to do so in a submissive way, where I have some kind of experience of control/dominance. Even more is the desire to do this as much as possible, so in a way it sometimes doesn’t even matter who it is, sometimes I even get the ego boost from being able to do this with many different women because apparently this gives me some kind of value. It is like some real capitalist/self interested shit because I just get an ego boost out of having/getting access to something that many others may not be able to access.
To be continued in the next blog