Day 459: Reality as the context of self-change

As I sit here alone with myself, it is like I just want to escape myself – resistance – suddenly I feel my body as tired, I want to visit with people, I want to eat snacks or smoke weed – anything to escape myself, to not have to look at myself and work with myself.

There are so many ‘beautiful’ women here where I live, so many opportunities to create the love experience, every day, it is almost non-stop, like being a drug addict with an unlimited supply of drugs but I feel so tired and bored of it.

Man, I fear letting go, just telling every woman that I’m not interested because the interest is based on what? Looks always, and the desire to have someone to give them some kind of an experience – when this is the starting point, how can anything else be created? Anything else that is created will be seen as the enemy and rejected. So I feel like I am done with these kind of relationships but then I have to be really strict with myself to stop. I spend so much time focusing on the women in my life and it really takes away from so much more that I could be doing. There is so much that I am missing. There are so many that require support, and virtually no one is working on their behalf to change the world. I could be doing so much more, I could be working more, working tirelessly to just focus on sorting myself out and also sorting this world out, becoming involved in BIG, in having an influence in people’s lives. I could give up the fear that the desire for ‘good relationships’ is holding me back from so I could really become a force that moves people in this world. It is so important to remember the context of the reality that I find myself in – because while giving up seems difficult, I am really sacrificing such small and petty interests to make such a larger difference in the world through the ripple effect that I would have.

I felt ‘disturbed’ today by what I was seeing in others, being so caught up in issues that are really ‘non issues’ and I felt like ‘how can these people not see the simplicity of what is going on in this world and that we have to push ourselves to give up such petty and over-complicated personal bullshit to really just focus on the simplicity of the fact that there is so much suffering and that we have to do everything possible to stop this – ?’

We think that the petty dramas that we preoccupy and entertain ourselves with are worth living for, and we think that the ‘nice feelings’ that we generate to escape such dramas, and the harshness of reality are also worth living for – they are not. Most of us will realize this when it is too late, when we are staring death in the face only will most of us realize that our lives were lived in vain, that virtually none of what we focused on/preoccupied ourselves with was worth anything, and that the energy that we allowed ourselves to be consumed by because it was just so intoxicating and felt so real, was worth nothing in the end, it just ends, and none of it can be ‘taken with us’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the context within which I am giving up my self interest as personal habits that generate energy and keep me entertained and preoccupied, which is the context of the reality of the fact that billions are suffering extensively and that I am also part of this suffering and that if I do not act now and change and do something about this, it will be a rude awakening as I see that my life was worth nothing as I join the suffering and lose all that I gave value to falsely – and that if I allow myself to recognize this context it will support me sufficiently to wake up from the intoxication of energy as the illusion of living/life as I see that what I am giving up is in fact nothing of any real value and not difficult to give up at all in fact if I recognize/live within this contextual understanding that the suffering of billions ‘far outweighs’ my own petty desires for energy, and that this desire/seeing out of energetic experiences only worsens the inevitable reality that will have to be faced when I run out of chances to escape from this reality through feeding the mind energy as eventually the mind always dies and ceases to exist anyways

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the energy of the mind always runs out at death and is worth nothing of real value as it is not constant and cannot be taken with me at death and can contribute in no way to life and a better life for all beings on earth

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give into the desire to distract myself with many points of distraction as entertainment such as pro sports or beautiful women or trash tv shows or youtube clips or pointless gossip or having relationships or partying with friends or smoking weed or any other experience that is of an energetic nature which is only designed to create more fear and friction within me but with the intent that the fear a friction is so great that I will lose myself within it and thus my reality will somehow go away and solve itself – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fool myself into believing that participating in energy can have any positive consequence in any way as participating in energy only generates more fear and friction which is the same energy that perpetuates this dysfunctional reality and blinds me from this reality

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stand consistent within principle – that is the principle of oneness and equality as what is best for all life in recognizing what is here and that there is work to be done within the context of the space time reality we currently find ourselves within, no matter how undesirable or ugly or unpleasant it may be

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let the desire for happiness get in the way of standing up for life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown and fear what I will become if I let go of my pointless distractions as source of energy to feed my addiction to energy that blinds me from reality, and that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to breathe through such moments where I stop until the mind ceases to go through withdrawal to see that I am in act still here and can expand only through walking through such points of stopping participating in energy addictions and walking through the withdrawal thereof

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive energy withdrawal as ‘difficult’ when in fact it is only the mind that makes it difficult when breath is still in fact here and is the cure to alleviate the perceived difficulty of going through energy withdrawal

I commit myself to push myself in disciplining myself to focus on what is here as the actual reality of what requires attention/sorting out in this world, whether it be my own mind or that which I experience/see as the minds of others or the manifestations of the minds that exist in this reality, I commit myself to walk moment by moment in stopping past patterns, no matter how difficult it seems, and to support myself with breath/breathing to walk through the perceived difficulty of the mind disengaging energetic addictions

I commit myself to find the time and attention to face what is here as my own mind, as I see, realize and understand that all of the difficulties/problems that we face in this world are a product of the mind and addiction to mind patterns that can be stopped if we take the time to unconditionally and without fear face our own minds as what is here occurring as our thoughts, feelings and emotions, and that if this diligence is applied to facing my own mind, no matter how burdensome or undesirable or unfulfilling it may seem, a point of real love, real value and real respect for life will be established here as me as I will accept nothing more or less than life here and will work actively to stop all that impedes life and exist as the illusory impostor to life that destroy life through our ignorance, acceptance and allowance of it

I commit myself to walk both and outer and inner process of both changing my habits and becoming a new person with new interests that no longer participates in the same habits/desire/thought patterns of the mind, changing both the physical behaviors but also with awareness stopping the mental patterns that exist here within/as the mind using tools such as breathing and writing, and repeating this application until the mind is no more given any power

I commit myself to seek out new ways that I can assist and support in creating a world that is best for all life by stopping all self limitation as the fears and desires that exist as the mind of thoughts feeling and emotions