Day 423: Planning for the future and relapse

For some time now I have had a vague idea of what it is that I wanted to do with my life – to live in a way that I can actually make the biggest contribution possible towards making this world a place that is best for all life – changing the world, basically, through changing myself.

However applying this idea has not been so easy to do – this is a very vague guideline and as with the practicalities of like there is much to take into consideration to be able to apply it effectively.

I have at time jotted down what it is that I wanted to go in the future in somewhat more detail and specificity, but it has never been a sustained, consistent effort. The detail has never been specific enough either that I really felt confident in any form of plan. As I continue to apply myself on a personal level in striving to become stable and the the best ‘me’ that I can be, I realize that I have to develop a plan that I can stick to. I can even see how my tendency to sometimes relapse back into past patterns/habits is related to this lack of confidence, to a fear of the future that is so because my plan is not clear enough and specific enough to be able to stick to with confidence.

So tonight I sat down with a notepad for the first time in a while and made 3 separate pages that pertained to developing a long term plan: one was the immediate things I wanted to attain that were more personal and in pursuit of a good quality of life, like household items and other necessities and personal supports. The second list was a list of major things that I want to accomplish within a long term time frame that (for now) I can handle realistically, which is the next 4 years. Big goals and accomplishments that are part of bigger long term plan. The last list that I made was the day to day activities/responsibilities that I am required to participate in, to be able to reach these goals – the things that I can trust that if I do them every day, they will accumulate into success in the long term.

So this is only the start and list will be an ongoing point to work on and develop with consistency. It may not be much so far however this is by far the most extensive practical planning I have ever done since my process began. I have done similar planning in the past, well before my process ever began when my plan in life was to become a famous and successful musician in a band. I would be busy trying to plan out all the same points. The difference is that I am now doing this not from a starting point of survival and what it is that I believe that I want in this life, but rather I am doing it in self honest common sense within the consideration of the state that our world is in right now, and what my role ought to be within that if I am ever to stand as a being who is worthy of the gift of life I have been given.

Day 422: Outrage and judgment when things appear ridiculous

Tonight, while working on a mind construct for my Desteni I Process life coaching course, I discovered a fascinating thing about myself, when I was working through a memory of an event from my past.

I discovered that in the event, I had basically made the decision to judge someone and become outraged because what they were doing was really absurd and irrational. Those words may be valid descriptions of the behavior I witnessed, but they are not valid as value judgments of the person who expressed the behavior.

In that past even, during a moment of stress due to this persons behavior, I, within my mind, judged their behavior as simply being chaotic, having NO REASON or explanation or back story to it whatsoever, and so from that perspective, I judged the point as absurd, ridiculous…you name it. I used this point as a way of justifying my outrage, basically being dramatic and having a temper tantrum – and all of this was simply because I saw this drama/outrage as my only option because I did not consider that there could be a reason and there could be an explanation and there could be a way that I could find it and understand it. If I had that ability, my reaction would have been a completely different one.

So from a certain perspective, this kind of outrage from judging things as being absurd and ridiculous and nonsensical was a way that I sabotaged myself from actually taking action/self responsibility and working to understand the point. It is a kind of laziness, but only borne from these past experiences where I did not conceive that it was within my capability to understand the point, and therefore not react and instead be able to direct it effectively.

What is most fascinating is that this tendency still exists within me today, I have done this same thing in recent times and it is no wonder that I would do such a thing given that these were my first and earliest impressions/understandings in my life: that I was not capable and could not direct myself/the point effectively.

And yet, this can in no way be true, because here I am.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my tendency to become outraged and just things as absurd and ridiculous and blame others from this starting point, is only from my own lack of understanding which comes from an unwillingness to actually investigate and understand points properly, which is only based in past experiences where I did not have any self support tools and thus could not conceive in any way of directing myself to understand the point and thus not react and direct the point

I commit myself to no longer react in outrage and blame at the perception that something is absurd and ridiculous and nonsensical without any explanation or back story as I see, realize and understand that this tendency is a way for the mind to use past memories to continue remaining in the past and not use the tools I have to actually investigate and understand properly, and that I do in fact have the tools to do so and therefore outrage is useless as I am only deceiving myself into not taking self responsibility – and thus when this tendency desire arises within me to judge and be outraged over such a perception or when this perception itself arises – I stop, breathe and do not go into reactions of the mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions so that I may direct myself in understanding what I am experiencing so that I may direct the point effectively

Day 421: Do you love yourself? Really??

In the last few weeks I have had some very challenging experiences. It has been difficult, to say the least. I have often times been both mentally and physically ill – and a strange thing has bee consistent throughout all of that: that I’ve been ‘comfortable’.

That obviously sounds strange so I’ll give some perspective: I’ve been ‘comfortable’ in terms of my survival programming: that means the things I have been programmed to take care of to ensure my survival. The problem with ‘survival’ programming is that it is just that – survival – it is not called ‘living programming’ – only surviving, only staying alive…what a lie!

So – did I have money? Yes. Did I have food? Yes. Did I have a home? Yes. Did I have a job? Yes. Did I have some security for the future? Yes.

But that’s about it. There is NOTHING included within that programming that focuses on the state of my mental well-being, and about all of the other intricacies of life that need and require attention in order to live a truly fulfilled life. I did not give myself the attention and support that I required and paid a heavy price for it.

So a simple question could be asked – do I love myself? The very simple and direct answer would be an obvious ‘no’. But of course love is not just a feeling, it is a being-ness that comes through in our actions and words. To give myself the self support I require to really resolve my mental burdens is truly an act of self love. To do this consistently would mean that this love is proven.

And yet, how many of us actually do this? The very thought of even doing this would have never even crossed my mind if another had not shown me how to use writing and words to support myself.

And yet, I am surprised by the fact that when I ask people the question: do you love yourself – many tend to reply ‘yes’ with a kind of confidence. It’s not common for us to be so bluntly honest with ourselves, let alone with another, and of course we tend to want to give off the impression to others (and ourselves) that everything is just fine, because apparently that is a sign of strength. Some of us may have even convinced ourselves that we really do truly love ourselves because we have come to mistake the things that we do to cope with a lack of self-love for being forms of real love. Our social lives, our hobbies, or love life, our favorite food or movies, our families, our jobs, our games our…whatever.

And yet the truth is we are just entertaining ourselves, trying to feel better about a reality that is not looking so good because we have deserted ourselves, we have abandoned ourselves and try to preoccupy ourselves to be able to forget – because we were never taught the tools to be able to truly love and support ourselves.

We are quite complex beings, with pasts that are filled with events that shaped the people we are today – some of these events were traumatic and left an impression on us that left us off worst. There’s a lot more to each one of us that meets the eye and yet we don’t recognize that about ourselves. Sometimes we yearn for others to recognize it, to bring it out of us to be able to open these things up. But again that is only due to not having the tools or resolve to do it for ourselves first. As someone who has taken on this task – it is difficult! It often feels boring, like drudgery, like it is pointless, it is not ‘fun’, it is not like all those other activities that I have grown accustomed to that give me nice warm happy feelings that give me an escape – it is just facing myself, my mind, my past, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, here, in plain sight.

And yet it is the one thing that will give me the insight to set myself free from the burden of my own mind, of my own thoughts and past memories.

One of the most common ways that we look for fulfillment in other places is in relationships. But if the starting point for that relationship is depending on others for a need that they can never fulfill, does it really make sense to have a relationship? If you as a being, are not completely and totally %100 satisfied with yourself, loving yourself, committed to yourself – how will you ever be satisfied, loving and committed towards another? It is fucking impossible to be.

An analogy that could be used is that we tend to want to run before we can even crawl – meaning that we do not take responsibility for what is right here AS OURSELVES and the beings that we are before we go out into the world and take responsibility for our outer world. We go to work jobs, take care of children, put work into our social, political and economic systems – all without the first most crucial step: self love. We miss the most important thing, which is ourselves, and with that missing we are not complete, and yet we go out and compete in day to day life as incomplete beings, trying to complete all the tasks that face us in our daily living. Doesn’t make much sense, does it?

Not that everybody can be perfect and complete immediately and before they go out into the world to do things, but at the very least there should be the dedication, the commitment, the striving and the effort to love and support ourselves so that no matter where we go and what we do in our world, we will treat our reality and all that we face with the same starting point that we have treated ourselves with: unconditional attention, unconditional love, unconditional support and an unconditional and unwavering resolve to always do what is best.