Day 430: Overcoming adversity to stand as a catalyst of change in the education system

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged the Thai teachers as annoying and ‘don’t know what they’re doing’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear Thai teachers attacking and judging me as I have accepted the same system within/as myself – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to judge and attack others/Thai teachers within the belief that this is a way of getting things done/making progress/getting my way

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to ‘get my way’ and within this, not seeing, realizing and understanding that my work is not about ‘getting my way’ in the short term in terms of what I prefer/see as ideal/best, but rather that it is about the bigger picture and having a means to an end: to make money so that I am able to pursue my greater goals in life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to impose my own cultural understandings/beliefs about ‘respect’ onto others in the culture that I am currently living in and that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that such beliefs/standards are simply a weapon to use to try and get my way

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are against me and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist others rather than to stop, take a moment to breathe, and move slowly so tat I may embrace what comes my way and not judge or resist it but rather direct it in clarity about without energy/feeling/emotions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘get ahead of myself’ within the fear of losing my job/fear of having problems/struggles and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see the bigger picture and to not see my current situation within the context f the bigger picture, which shows that my current situation is in fact not ‘as big of a deal’ as I am making it out to be

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that words are the solution and that if I take a deep breath and I am stand clear, I may speak my words without energetic attachment/drive in clarity so that I may direct the situation as what is best for all as equal and one, and that most things in this world can be directed by a simple explanation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to ‘act nice’ as a form of compensation for where I have judged others and that this act is not necessary when I am simply able to take a deep breath and stop all judgment in consideration of the other person as my equal

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear having others at work dictate to me what I must do and how I must act when in fact this is only a means to an end and that I am not in fact required to be defined by it within myself as who I am – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear facing and taking on and abiding by criticisms, dictates, directives, orders, judgments etc. directed towards me as I see, realize and understand that if I simply breathe and do not accept/allow thoughts/feelings/emotions as reactions within me, I am able to direct myself effectively to do what is necessary to be done to maintain my position and income in the workplace

I commit myself to stop the desire to attack others and ‘put others below me’ and ‘win’ as a way of accomplishing and achieving things

When and as I see myself fearing the reactions of others and reacting to others and having the desire to defend myself or fight back – I stop, I breathe, as I see, understand and realize that such points are of no real threat to me/life as I am able to stand clear within/as myself through breathing and standing as breath, not allowing thoughts, feelings and emotions to control me so that I may direct myself and navigate the workplace effectively so as to maintain my position and income – thus I commit myself to not participate in such reactions as they arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to judge and attack others or defend my position/view/belief in self righteousness, I stop, I breathe, I realize the futility of such acts and that this only increases stress/friction/fear of losing my job or being attacked, and thus I do not participate in this desire to attack/defend become self righteous/argue as it arises as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 429: Overcoming adversity to stand as a catalyst of change in the education system

Today I had an adversarial experience that really got my mind going and for about an hour after the experience, my thoughts were racing and it was quite difficult to stop them – really had to focus on breathing and keep reminding myself to do so, to not be consumed/controlled/influenced by the thoughts.

I was at work when I noticed a co-worker taking a photo of what two of my students were doing, which was playing a computer game. Their assignment was to find a game that was educational, and to explain in English (I teach ESL, for context) why the game was educational, what they learned and how it made them better people. The point of the activity was to promote self directed learning and critical reasoning skills.

I understood why the teacher was taking the photos – the education system that I work in is extremely rigid and the computer teacher certainly perceived what the students were doing as ‘messing around’ as playing games is ‘bad’ and ‘not learning’. So the fear that arose in me was what this co-worker was planning to do with this photo, and the potential of my coworker gossiping that ‘my class was out of control’, because typically classes here are under extremely tight control, which is thus what is perceived as being a ‘good class’. In fact, I remember a fascinating experience a few weeks back where I was in discussion with the same coworker about the textbooks being boring for the students (and truly they were, it covers content like “THIS is a MOUSE, you can use it top CLICK items on the DESKTOP” – really boring sit when you consider we have the entire world wide web to explore at our fingertips…). To which I received the most fascinating reply, when the teacher said to me “yes, but this is a Thai school”. A truly fascinating statement as within was implied the statement that “yes, but this is how school is normally here, it is supposed to be boring”.

So, when I saw this person taking photos, I walked over and asked “could you tell me why you are taking photos of my students?” – to which she simply ignored me and turned her back. This is something that I see as ‘rude’, which I suspect is a reaction that is based in my own cultural indoctrination – and yet it does seem fishy when a person cannot respond to a direct question directly, as if they have something to hide. So, I repeated the question, and it may have been with some irritation in my voice (I’m not sure if it showed through) but this is how I felt on the inside. She simply replied “no reason”. So, at this point I feel extra ‘offended’ because that to me seems just like a lie, which again I suspect is a reaction based on my own cultural upbringing.

So the real point was that I feared consequences of what this person may have misunderstood or disagreed with – when I look at the point now, it is actually a really simple point to direct, clarify or explain. Yet in my mind my thoughts were racing – racing about how this person had no idea, was clueless, didn’t know what she was doing, had backwards ideas about education, was ‘nosey’ and ‘gossipy’, so my mind was going into offense mode, and also into defense mode with thoughts of me projecting myself in my own mind justifying and explaining to others what I was doing and why what I was doing was valid.

I never understood the schooling system when I was a student myself, I always felt like there was this ‘way of doing things’ that was apparently correct but I was incapable of doing because I didn’t get it, nor did I like it as it never interested me in terms of my self expression. It was like there was this mold I had to ‘fit into’ and because I couldn’t fit in, I felt like there was something wrong with me, and due to several experiences where there were negative consequences for not fitting in, I developed a sort of habit of ‘looking over my shoulder’ because it was as if the next attack was always ‘just around the corner’. It never made sense to me when I was attacked so the randomness of it created this fear/anxiety within me.

Now, as a school teacher, this system makes even less sense to me, in terms of seeing how directly that it doesn’t work – I mean literally, it cannot work because the system follows laws/rules that are based on belief, assumption and neglect of facts, so it is literally asking teachers and students to do the impossible. Ironically, teachers, like students are also heavily scrutinized because it is the education system as a whole that puts teachers and students in difficult situations according to its mandates, which places students and teachers at an adversarial position with one another. The teacher’s job is literally impossible – force students to learn what they are told to while giving them an effective education – the points are a direct contradiction.

The difference now with being a teacher is that I see how the game of the system works and that I am able to be ‘in the system but not of the system’ – to find ways to maintain my position as a teacher while minimizing the harm that is done unto the students and working to give them something of value. The difference is that now I am an adult with more education, vocabulary and understanding of how the world works. When I was a young person, I did not possess these tools to be able to express myself and articulate myself effectively, and so I would lash out and go into this offense/defense mode that I am talking about – old habits die hard…

So the point here is to stop the typical reactions that arise in the mind, stabilize myself through no longer accepting and allowing such thoughts, and within a newfound point of clarity from not participating in the mind/old patterns, direct the situation in stability, clarity and directiveness. As mentioned before, in reality this is a situation that can easily be directed and explained, and may even serve to the benefit of many as through being able to explain such a point, other teachers may learn a bit more about what education really is, what it really means and implies to educate a person. Standing as a platform in support of a dialogue about this point is the beginning of a journey along a path that will lead to real change. Real can change can only start with words, and the words of change begin with self-change. If I release myself from the memories of the past and how these memories shaped my perception and behavior, I may stand clear to create this new path.

To be continued on the next post.

Day 428: What matters: here in this moment

One thing I noticed today while doing some studying is how concerned I get with the future – fear of the future – as I noticed how this takes me away from being present here in the physical reality of the moment I am currently in, and in this instance, it took away from my ability to focus, learn and remember/retain information.

We can plan as much as we like for the future but it really doesn’t mean anything if we are not effective in the moment we are currently in because that is the only place that anything can ever be done/taken care of.

I was too focused on the planning of the overall goal/outcome of what I wanted to accomplish, with the subject I was studying, that I saw how it was compromising by ability to do quality work. Specifically, the fear was that I was ‘taking too much time’ on working on this subject, and that ‘there would not be enough time’ for the next thing that I wanted to do. One thing we have to be careful about when planning is that our plans are realistic in that they take into account how much we can actually do so that we are not unrealistic and overambitious. It is only when we have become practically effective in the tasks we undertake here in the moment, that we can realistically plan for the future and assess how we can plan/organize the future based on a real understanding of what is involved/how much time it actually takes to get things done.

I am dedicated to my process of changing myself/the world, and so the excuse of ‘there is not enough time’ is simply not valid because I will always find the time – even if I am currently not as effective as I know I potentially can be, I am dedicated to reaching this potential, and the stepping stones to do so are here in this moment. A thousand moments that are not well spent and fully lived in with our whole beingness present is not equivalent to one moment where we are fully here and present in the moment and therefore effective – that is the only key to moving on to the next moment, and eventually a thousand, a million, a billion more. “A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step” I have heard this once before in a song.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to value/look at/focus on speed and quantity over effectiveness and quality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look at goals only in my mind as an ideal of what I would like to get done rather than to live my goals here in the present moment fully

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be overambitious in setting goals for myself as a diversion tactic/self deception to ‘feel like I am doing more than I actually am’ and nit actually be here/present/effective in the current moment/reality

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that even if I do not accomplish as many separate tasks as I would like to, the path to becoming effective in more tasks is to become effective in the task that is here in the present moment and this in no way takes away time from other tasks but rather in fact increases my effectiveness in other moments as I am learning to be effective in the only place I can be effective in all moments/tasks – here in the present physical reality

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there will always be time to take on the next task and the next moment to do so will always exist as long as I am dedicated to this process and that the only way to be truly dedicated is to be fully present here in the current moment and thus the excuse of ‘there is not enough time’ is never valid and is only created by self to deceive self into not being here in the current moment/task and therefore not being effective in any moment/task –

Thus, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist having to give myself time and space here in the present moment until I can move to the next moment and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have anxiety about the future as ‘fearing that I will not have time’

I commit myself to embrace the present/moment and whatever task I am busy with in the present moment and to not ‘get ahead of myself’ but rather to remain here as breath and fully allow myself to participate in the present moment and ensure that the moment is live/the task is accomplished sing my whole self, without fear of the future or anxiety about the future

I commit myself to stop fearing that there won’t be any time left to do what I want to do as I see, realize and understand that there is nothing to fear about letting go of the idea of ‘what I want to do’/’what I planned to accomplish’ as this is only the mind becoming disappointed because it expected ‘more’ when in fact there is always ‘time for more’ and thus the fear of not having enough time in the future is not valid as the next moment and opportunity will always come, whether it is today, tomorrow, next week, next year – does not mater as I commit myself to fully live in the present moment and therefore can live without anxiety as the certainty that I will stand and take self responsibility here in the present moment to fully take on that which is necessary to be done with my whole beingness as breath

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘do more’ or rush the present moment because I wanted/planned to do more in the future – I stop, I breathe, as I see realize and understand that this is the deception of the mind to create expectations to ‘feel like I am accomplishing more than I really am’ and therefore not actually be effective in anything that I do – thus when this fear and the energy that propels me to rush arises, I stop, breathe and do not participate in this fear/energy as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 427: Rushing to get things done as an act of carelessness
Today, I had an experience where I cut my finger – it was a small cut but quite deep, and from the most unexpected source – a coconut! I have not had much experience with coconuts and certainly would have never expected this.

What happened was, I had to go home for a short moment to take a pill for a medication that I am currently on, and I did not have any water at home (or so I thought, turned out later on that I did!) so I had this ‘great idea’ pop into my head – I’ll just take t with coconut milk! And this really seemed like a good idea in my mind when it came up, because I had been meaning to drink that coconut milk for sometime because I do like coconut milk, but also because I had been meaning to eat it for a long time and there was a fear that it would go to waste if I didn’t (fear of loss).

So it was a convenient thing, where I could ’kill two birds with one stone’ and that can certainly be appealing to the mind, which, when it has a ‘great idea’, tends to want to do it as fast and quickly as possible. When cutting the coconut, I had a rough idea of what I was doing because I had done it successfully before, but never really had any kind of proper raining on how to do it. This time, I wasn’t able to cut through the shell completely, I cracked it but I was having difficulty widening the opening that I cracked, and I was peeling back pieces of shell until – surprise! – grabbed the wrong piece, which must have been jagged, and did so with quite a bit of force, so it was a deep and painful cut.

When I was hurt, I was not dealing well with my environment, I as so stressed a bout being hurt and just finding a way to solve the problem. So here is a second instance where my mind was rushing to get something done, and because I didn’t have band-aids, I was dealing with some other kind of medical gauze and tape to wrap it around the wound properly, which was a bit tricky and I wasn’t quite sure how to do. So in both instance of cutting the coconut and wrapping my finger, I was not quite clear on what I was doing which cause me to rush and be frustrated, I did not take the time to stop and pause and consider things more carefully, within the recognition that I was doing something new. I just ‘went for it’, as throughout my life I have been accustomed to simply ‘going for it’ and willing my way to succeed’ with ‘enough force of will’ – but I have been learning recently that sheer force of will is not enough without proper understanding and some of the training that may go along with understanding something properly.

So this is the point, and interestingly enough, while writing this I am having to slow myself down because my finger is bandaged and I keep making typing mistakes – again, a new condition to consider and adapt to accordingly, rather than just ‘moving at top speed’ to get things done. This was the mistake I made today when I deceived myself with the convenience of ‘killing to birds with one stone’ – that kind of convenience is only appealing to a mind that is lazy, does not want to change and learn new things, but just wants to instead keep running the same old programs at top speed, as if I am ‘getting more done that way’. I could have simple gone to the store and bought more water to take the medication. So the formula that formed this experience was: fear of coconut going spoiled + needing to get water to take medication + not wanting to get water = break open the coconut and get both done now!

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in doing something simply because it is an enjoyable thing which I fear losing the opportunity to be able to do – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loss as that is never real in fact, I am only ever able to lose myself within and as my own mind to the creation of beliefs and thoughts/feelings/emotions

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to take al the necessary practical steps to solve a problem out of laziness borne of the belief that I don’t have time and thus it is better if I do it faster

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not recognize that all moments in life are new moments and thus require careful consideration in order to deal with the moments effectively practically – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to recognize when I am dealing with something that requires a totally new skill which I have not learnt and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take the time to actually learn tat skill so that I am able to execute the task properly

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to rush, believing that there is not enough time when in fact this is the mind perceiving reality when skills are not sufficient and thus overcompensates by simply ‘revving up the mind into overdrive’ to move faster and with more energy

I commit myself to slow down when and as the fear of loss arises and the subsequent feeling of ‘I need to get this done ASAP’ arises as I see, realize and understand that this is a desire of the mind to not have to actually slow down and take self responsibility and learn new things as this is the minds way of deceiving self that I do not require to stop and consider and learn new things and that I can apparently just use more energy and move faster within/as my mind and that apparently that force of will of the mind will solve my problems better – thus when and as I see myself starting to race and move in my mind/physical body beyond a speed that I can manage as I am not physically here but rather latching onto an energetic impulse, I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in this energy of “go go go!” as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that when the mind wants to rush and get things done more quickly that this is an act of carelessness to deceive myself into not actually stopping, considering, learning, growing and becoming a batter being as this is the minds way of continuing to exist and run programs and direct me – thus I commit myself to slow down and always move at a speed that I can manage so as to ensure that it is me moving me as me in carefulness and consideration for what is proper within the context of how to best manage things in my physical reality

Day 426: Pity them for they know not what they do

Today I had a nerve-wracking experience at my work. Another teacher called me over to a nearby classroom and because of the language barrier, I was given no explanation as to why, but all of a sudden when I enter the room I see a table full of teachers, none of which were native English speakers such as myself. The sight startled me a bit because I got this anxiety experience of like “uh oh, am I in trouble?” But then, it was not long until the other English teachers came and I realized we were simply having a staff teacher meeting with all staff, English and non English.

The reason I had this experience is because I have spent too much time judging some of the other non-English teachers. At the school that I work at, it is tradition for the teachers to use physical violence with the students, and for me this is something that I react to, to the point where I have wanted to confront some of the teachers. I judged the teachers too much for being bad, even with some kind of vague awareness that I shouldn’t judge and should be more understanding because they have a back-story too, I still judged, and this was one consequence of it: harboring all of these negative judgments and feelings towards the other teachers, and then having reactions to them in some situations, which ultimately hinder my ability to communicate and interact with them effectively.

There was a lot of breathing throughout the meeting to calm myself and make sure that I was clear throughout the meeting, especially if I had to speak at any point. When an opportunity came to finally bring up the point of violence with the children, I was satisfied that I was able to raise this point with diplomacy and request that no violence be used with my students in my classes. I was glad to have been able to speak my voice on the point and have my voice be heard and accepted, but the point to really look at is whether my satisfaction was for me ‘getting my way’ as some kind of moral victory for the game of judgments I’ve been playing with myself in my head, or if it was for the children. Certainly, some of my satisfaction with this was purely for my own self interest, because of how I had this energetic ‘feel good’ experience afterwards, like I had really had some kind of victory, and of course it is so easy to justify that feeling and the ego game behind it because after all, it is good for the children too – the same way that it was easy for me to justify and validate my judgments towards the teachers because it was in the children’s best interests to recognize the violence as unacceptable and stop it.

The fact is that I had been reacting and reactions are points that always require to be dealt with if I am to be truly effective and clear in my application of making a difference for the better. While I’m fortunate that my reactions are not nearly as intense and consuming as they used to be (you should have seen me at the first school that I ever worked at…), they are still existing and they have everything to do with me and me only.

Human beings tend to operate under the principle of ‘might is right’ and when we do not have the understanding or skill to direct ourselves/others/ a situation that we are facing, we will tend to use the application of force and aggression. I was certainly brought up this way and it is noticeable in small moments of my life where I get irritated and become aggressive or forceful. Just because they are not extremely obvious does not mean they do not exist and do not require to be dealt with (we always tend to kid ourselves by saying that ‘we’re not that bad, it could always be worse’).

Furthermore, this world and the people within it are far from perfect and so it is too easy to justify reactions of annoyance and irritation, and the desire to react and become aggressive or use force in response. But blame is useless and to respond to someone’s fuck up by also having a fuck up and reacting to them energetically is just fighting fire with fire – the whole fire just gets bigger.

Yes it may be true that I am seeing abuse, yes it may be true that the abuse that I directly I inflict may be of a far lesser degree (not even sure about that one) and yes it could be true that some abuse without a hope of ever repenting for their ways in this lifetime, and yet it could have been me who had the same life experiences as others which had me so misguided that I could also be beyond hope of changing for the better. The fact is that we tend to not ‘know any better’ and I am privileged to have had some amazing teachers and teaching experiences in my life. I truly believe that if we humans knew any better, if we had any idea what the fuck it is that we are actually doing and the harm that we are causing to ourselves and others, we would in fact change. Thus here is a point within which the principle of ‘pity them for they know not what they do’ can be applied – not as any kind of judgment or inferiority/superiority point, but as a simple recognition that humans are only as good as what they know, and some truly have not had the chance to know any better.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge the mistakes of others and to define others based on the mistakes they make, create negative value judgments/definitions of others based on their actions as I see, realize and understand that this is limiting me from seeing the being and the life story behind the actions and therefore not allowing myself to see the being as my equal and thus how I am able to direct myself/them/the situation that I am facing effectively

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into allowing such judgments by using moral values such as for instance ‘hitting children is wrong’ as I see, realize and understand that what I am justifying and validating is my feeling experience and reaction towards that being and not actually enabling myself practically to see the situation/other directly and thus hindering my ability to direct effectively

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge those who make mistakes as inferior to myself as I see, realize and understand that I also make mistakes – specifically I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to allow judgments of those who make the mistake of reacting with force and aggression because they may not have sufficient skill/understanding to direct the situation because I myself also have a tendency to react due to a lack of understanding/skill and go into behaviors of aggression/violence and thus all reactions towards others are required to be breathed through and stopped and not acted on in any way whatsoever, no matter how brutal or grotesque the act may be

I commit myself to not judge others for reacting with aggression and force as I see, realize and understand that my tendency to judge others for this is a way at focusing on the mistakes others make so that I do not see how the same point exist within/as me and thus limits my ability to change myself and direct this problem/tendency as it exist within myself

I commit myself to breathe through and investigate my reactions towards the mistakes of others so that I may bring the point back to myself and see/understand where I am doing the same thing in my own life so that I may stop the pattern and change

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that there is a story behind the mistakes and abuse that I witness and that that story is no different to my own as that person could have been me, and is me in fact albeit the difference may be perhaps only a matter of degree/expression, so that I may stop judging others as lesser/inferior to me and stand equal to them so that I am clear as I direct myself and others as myself in doing what is best for all

Day 425: A calming effect: as within, so without

Tonight I had an experience where a new cat fro the neighborhood came to visit my home, and I quickly found out that this new cat and my cat who live at my home do not get along. There was an intense cat standoff, and I noticed from that experience that from the intense conflict, I also became agitated, though I was unable to identify why, at the time. Now that I am looking at the point, it was a tense situation where violence could have broken out and normally, any situation like this is one where I would have gone into ‘fight or flight’ mode, where I prepare myself for the worst, because in the past I never had the tools to diffuse situations like that, so I would usually prepare myself for war and so in a way, came to define the energy of the fear of the conflict as a good thing, and so I would welcome it, rather than be able to question that energy, identify it for what it is and stop it.

That is what focusing on breath does. In moments where I am able to identify energetic reactions of the mind rising within me, I can simply focus on breathing until the point stops, and this is where change really occurs in process, in these small moments of identifying an reacting that triggers a rising energy and stopping it completely. So I am able to apply this in all situations that are energetically charge, where I am facing the energetic charges of others and most severely, when the situation becomes one of conflict or confrontation. The only way that I am able to direct myself effectively in any situation like this is to first stop myself from taking on the energy that is triggered within me, identifying it, and stopping it with breath so that I am clear and effective in my self movement onwards from that. If I allow the energy, then the influence of who I am as what I am accepting and allowing will influence others and the situation, compounding it and making it worse. It goes the other way too, where if I stop the energy as it arises within me and breathe through the point, stabilize and remain ‘here’ within whatever it is that I am facing, I do not feed the energetic reactions of others by also reacting and becoming energetic, and so that expression of my who I am, that resonance of my being has a calming influence on not only myself but others as well.

The key is to practice this alone, within and as myself throughout my daily activities as this is where I develop the self intimacy and self awareness that is required to be able to apply this technique when I go out into my outer world, and for this, the opportunities are here for me in every moment.

Day 424: Remembering why you’re here

Yesterday I wrote about practical planning for the future, and discussed that a big part of reaching my future goals was committing myself to consistently participating in certain activities on a daily basis to would ensure I reach those goals. Tonight, while listening to an interview on Eqafe about reaching your full potential, a crucial point that was emphasized was breathing as a basic support tool to stop the mind, and to develop the habit of using this tool of breathing until I master it and within that, developing a kind of self awareness and self intimacy that allows for self directive self movement.

This brought me back to moments in my life where, at times, focusing on breath seemed like it was the most important thing in the world to me. It was in part due to myself being extremely dissatisfied with myself and knowing basically how badly screwed I was and that the outlook for me was not good, so from a certain perspective this was done as a survival point, it was like I had to do this if I was going to survive. Now, I have progressed from certain points that were huge issues in my life back then, and this tool is to be used from a starting point of living and thriving, not surviving. The fact that I don’t have a choice in the matter, that “I have to do this to live” remains, but it is coming from a point of recognizing my potential and what it really means to live and expand myself, not just ‘keeping my head above water’ anymore. No one is ever truly satisfied with merely staying alive.

So I noticed that in present day, I at times forget the value of breath, I forget that this is a massive part of why I am here today, along with utilizing tools like self honesty and self forgiveness in writing. These are my foundations, and this is a crucial point to keep in mind when one is ‘reaching for the stars’ – remembering that their feet are on the earth while they are doing it. It is too easy to ignore self support points like this when things are going well, and it is not enough to use these tools only when things are not going well – that is not self movement, it is survival.

The seed of this point was also planted in me after reading a chapter in one of Zig Ziglar’s books about how important it is to study motivational material even when things are going well, not just when things are bad. So, this is the reason why I am here, from my past until now, and this reason is ongoing, continual, and so what I am to fulfill, accomplish and achieve in the future is also an extension of this point of ‘the reason I am here’. I am here on this earth to do great things, but I am only here on this earth to do great things because I emerged from the earth, from principles that are sound as the earth itself to ground me within this awareness every day that I am alive.

I forgive myself that I’ve grown accustomed to applying Desteni tools more frequently only when things are not going well in my life, and that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to continue applying these tools just as much when things are going well and I am expanding myself and living a life that is more enjoyable

I commit myself to utilize the tools of breathing, self forgiveness and self honesty in writing on a consistent, daily basis as the key to my self expansion and success, even when things are going well with me so that I do not ‘settle’ with merely surviving as I see, realize and understand that to accept survival as a way of life is no way to truly live

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to fully apply the Desteni tools within the realization that they are the key to unlocking unlimited potential and a completely new life where I get to see what I am truly capable of and what it really means to live, that I am required to apply these tools on a daily and consistent basis as my foundation and guideline to greatness.

I am here because I breathe.