Day 432: Practical insight: who I am beneath the surface

I’ve had a few moments today where I really noticed how much I – and people in general for that matter – actually know about ourselves….how little we actually know about ourselves. We are not at all aware of how much that we see and perceive is purely belief based, has purely been taught to us – let alone remembering the moment/experiences within which they were taught to us. How can anything of ourselves/the way we perceive reality be trusted if we do not even see that it is based on beliefs that were taught to us? How much can we trust ourselves and our perception if we do not even remember when, why and by whom we were taught these beliefs? We are much more complicated beings than we would like to admit. That is why when we go to figure things out in our reality we call it re-search – we are researching into the past to understand the unfolding of that which has been created and exist currently.

In recent posts I have talked about the creation of positive energy and a positive character as I noticed this self deception within/as myself and that it does not in fact serve me/life – it is something created on the surface to keep me from ever actually seeing what is deep beneath the surface of my being. I have seen that this positive energy, which creates a kind of character/behavior/image is nothing more than a beautiful brick wall that keeps me from ever seeing beyond, from ever actually understanding who I am as life and thus how to live life practically, equal and one with/as life itself as who I really am.

When I stop the act I find a peculiar thing – no love exists in fact, within/as me. No beauty exists, nothing pleasant or nice or pretty exists. With the positive energy act, on the surface I may act like I like people. In truth I have no interest to be social/associate with others than to get what I need to get in order to survive and have a dignified life. Do desire to be with others, to assist and support them to understand them and take the time to understand them exists, other than to do it as a means to an end to get what I want in order to be able to exist and live a dignified life. I do not actually lime nor am I impressed by people, other than I may like and be impressed by within the context of how it can serve me to survive and live a dignified life. I do not desire to explore and expand myself/my reality exist and no desire to share such a living expression exists. No desire to be physically affectionate and have sex exists. How dependent have I become on the lie of positive energy – created as a survival mechanism in pursuit of a dignified life – have I become to live and do the most basic things in terms of living/self expression?

When a negative energy takes us over – alarm bells go off and we scramble to do everything we can to rectify the situation – why do we never question the positive energies that we accept and allow within/as ourselves? They are merely two sides of the same coin.

I have had experiences where, when I stop participating in such positive energies and the phony characters that they create, it is as though the voice of ‘big brother’ enters my head and says ‘no, don’t go there, you’re doing something wrong’ – you need to love people, you need to be positive for them, you need to be pleasant, you will hurt them if you do not, you will anger them, people will not like you because you will not please them or give them what they want. What you are doing is wrong and you are mean.

And yet we do not see the wrongness and the malice of everything in our reality that we are creating and what it is actually that exists within and as each and every one of us deep inside of ourselves that is creating such horrors – what a backwards way to view reality and what is apparently positive and negative. It is all in reverse. We are living from the ‘surface inward’ – trying to live in the illusion of the superficial veneer and within that, enabling the evil that is within us and destroying what little may be left within ourselves that is real and pure. We do not live from the ‘inside-outward’, because to project what is on the inside, based on how we have been conditioned/programmed within/as ourselves, would produce the most vulgar and obscene results – and yet, that is the scene we end up creating inevitably in our reality, because that is how life actually works, regardless of how we may want to see it and live, it works from the ‘inside-outward’, where it is who we are within/as ourselves that create and dictate that which our outer reality will be created as.

To be continued in the next post.