Day 431: Over-spending myself at work and consistency: creating the experience of exhaustion

I noticed at times how overwhelmed I get with all of the things that I am taking on in my life, sometimes I am not as effective as I can be with the time I have because I look at everything and feel like “I can’t do all of this! I need a break!” and I can see that this is in a way true but only true because I am creating this experience. At work, I have a tendency to be very positive and ‘nice’ and ‘kind’ with everybody, like I want to give off an image asserting that I am a nice, trustworthy person, but in fact it is a form of compensation for what I am doing. The fact is that I have a job to do and that job isn’t always pretty (that’s an understatement…). I would like to change how things are done, at least on my part, within the system, but although I was able to do that in the past, I am finding my new job extremely controlled and rigid, and so I’m not able to do the same thing now. Also, I should not do this as a way of fooling myself into becoming self-righteous and judging other teachers for who and how they are.

But this image is how I am creating the experience of exhaustion, because it takes energy to upkeep this image, I can see and feel at times that I am acting nice and that it is not my true self-expression. So because this energetic act takes a toll on me, when I get home from school I feel tired and I just want to relax, just want to take a break – but with all the responsibilities I want to take on I really can’t do that, unless it is the kind of break that is truly required to nurture the human body so it can function effectively/optimally.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act as the nice guy character in my work and to believe that this is a critical part of having successful employment and that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to simply be myself and do what is actually necessary to have successful employment as the work that is expected of me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to be positive about the reality that I am in as a form of denial to not have to try and do the things that are necessary for me to do at this time to serve the system as a means to an end to enable myself to serve the greater good in the ‘bigger picture’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can do more than I can actually do to effect change within the system, merely because I might have been able to in the past or because I may have a better approach

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be naïve about how much I can actually do within the system as a way of avoiding to have to do the things that I do not want to do or don’t agree with

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to try and be positive and simply ‘get through my day’ because I do not like my job or agree with what I am required to do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am creating the experience of exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed and not being as effective as I could be by playing the nice guy character and feeding energy to this character

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the fact that I do not like my job or agree with my job in principle as an excuse to not try and do what is asked of me and not have to face the reality that I am currently living and participating in, as a form of self righteous absolution

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the nice guy persona as an ideal image to compensate for a lack of effort and unwillingness to apply myself within the justification that ‘the system is fucked’ therefore ‘why bother trying anything?’

I commit myself to stop the nice guy character and simply do what is necessary of me at my job without judging it as inferior or myself as superior and ‘knowing better’

When and as I see myself going into the nice guy character – I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in this point/belief/character as I see, realize and understand that such a character is only designed to compensate for the things that I do not want to do and the points/reality that I do not want to face, thus I do not participate in this energy as it arises as my thoughts, feelings and emotions and I simply focus on doing the work that is required of me

I commit myself to focus on the things that I can control and doing my job within the understanding that I am here to face the reality that I am in, no matter what justification or self righteous belief I may want to use as an excuse not to, and within the realization that doing so – fully embracing the reality that I am in here and applying myself within it, is the key to being stable as breath and constant, without energy fluctuation and the desire to stop/rest/escape

I commit myself to stop the desire to simply want to pass the day by within the excuse that my job and the education system is fucked and to do my best in terms of what I am able to actually do within it to make the job as good as possible, even despite/within the limitation and fuckedness that I find myself in

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s