In the last few weeks I have had some very challenging experiences. It has been difficult, to say the least. I have often times been both mentally and physically ill – and a strange thing has bee consistent throughout all of that: that I’ve been ‘comfortable’.
That obviously sounds strange so I’ll give some perspective: I’ve been ‘comfortable’ in terms of my survival programming: that means the things I have been programmed to take care of to ensure my survival. The problem with ‘survival’ programming is that it is just that – survival – it is not called ‘living programming’ – only surviving, only staying alive…what a lie!
So – did I have money? Yes. Did I have food? Yes. Did I have a home? Yes. Did I have a job? Yes. Did I have some security for the future? Yes.
But that’s about it. There is NOTHING included within that programming that focuses on the state of my mental well-being, and about all of the other intricacies of life that need and require attention in order to live a truly fulfilled life. I did not give myself the attention and support that I required and paid a heavy price for it.
So a simple question could be asked – do I love myself? The very simple and direct answer would be an obvious ‘no’. But of course love is not just a feeling, it is a being-ness that comes through in our actions and words. To give myself the self support I require to really resolve my mental burdens is truly an act of self love. To do this consistently would mean that this love is proven.
And yet, how many of us actually do this? The very thought of even doing this would have never even crossed my mind if another had not shown me how to use writing and words to support myself.
And yet, I am surprised by the fact that when I ask people the question: do you love yourself – many tend to reply ‘yes’ with a kind of confidence. It’s not common for us to be so bluntly honest with ourselves, let alone with another, and of course we tend to want to give off the impression to others (and ourselves) that everything is just fine, because apparently that is a sign of strength. Some of us may have even convinced ourselves that we really do truly love ourselves because we have come to mistake the things that we do to cope with a lack of self-love for being forms of real love. Our social lives, our hobbies, or love life, our favorite food or movies, our families, our jobs, our games our…whatever.
And yet the truth is we are just entertaining ourselves, trying to feel better about a reality that is not looking so good because we have deserted ourselves, we have abandoned ourselves and try to preoccupy ourselves to be able to forget – because we were never taught the tools to be able to truly love and support ourselves.
We are quite complex beings, with pasts that are filled with events that shaped the people we are today – some of these events were traumatic and left an impression on us that left us off worst. There’s a lot more to each one of us that meets the eye and yet we don’t recognize that about ourselves. Sometimes we yearn for others to recognize it, to bring it out of us to be able to open these things up. But again that is only due to not having the tools or resolve to do it for ourselves first. As someone who has taken on this task – it is difficult! It often feels boring, like drudgery, like it is pointless, it is not ‘fun’, it is not like all those other activities that I have grown accustomed to that give me nice warm happy feelings that give me an escape – it is just facing myself, my mind, my past, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, here, in plain sight.
And yet it is the one thing that will give me the insight to set myself free from the burden of my own mind, of my own thoughts and past memories.
One of the most common ways that we look for fulfillment in other places is in relationships. But if the starting point for that relationship is depending on others for a need that they can never fulfill, does it really make sense to have a relationship? If you as a being, are not completely and totally %100 satisfied with yourself, loving yourself, committed to yourself – how will you ever be satisfied, loving and committed towards another? It is fucking impossible to be.
An analogy that could be used is that we tend to want to run before we can even crawl – meaning that we do not take responsibility for what is right here AS OURSELVES and the beings that we are before we go out into the world and take responsibility for our outer world. We go to work jobs, take care of children, put work into our social, political and economic systems – all without the first most crucial step: self love. We miss the most important thing, which is ourselves, and with that missing we are not complete, and yet we go out and compete in day to day life as incomplete beings, trying to complete all the tasks that face us in our daily living. Doesn’t make much sense, does it?
Not that everybody can be perfect and complete immediately and before they go out into the world to do things, but at the very least there should be the dedication, the commitment, the striving and the effort to love and support ourselves so that no matter where we go and what we do in our world, we will treat our reality and all that we face with the same starting point that we have treated ourselves with: unconditional attention, unconditional love, unconditional support and an unconditional and unwavering resolve to always do what is best.