Today was a rather interesting day. I was expecting the most hectic and stressful day, because it started out with me not getting any sleep whatsoever the night before. As I was not able to sleep last night, it was stressful because I was worried because the next day was my busiest day of the week, and I had this one in particular happened to be extra busy. Sometimes when this happens and I do not sleep, I go into a mind state where I say ‘fuck it’, where I see not sleeping as this really bad thing but I apparently have no control and I’m fucked so it is like ‘alright, bring on the fuckedness’. This is how I used to pull all-nighters in my younger days in University. So when I was unable to sleep last night I was going into those kinds of projections of how I will deal with all of this. I stopped trying to sleep and gave into the ‘fuck it’ mentality slightly, as I probably could have still managed to salvage an hour of so or sleep, which is better than nothing.
But I did not go much further into this polarized reaction because I did have a full day of responsibilities and there was not much I could say ‘fuck it’ to, which is a fortunate point of support for me.
I went to my first class early in the morning to let the prof know that while I wanted to attend, I had an extremely busy day and I needed some rest. Of course this turned out to be not the best way to go about things as it was based in fear and trying to ‘save face’, and I saw that immediately when talking to her – but despite that, I did end up doing what I needed to do. I went back home, planned it so that I could get 3 hours of sleep, just enough to get me through the day hopefully, and then to wake up, finish an assignment that was due for class. Then I had to attend 6 hours worth of classes until the late evening. It was quite a long day but I am still here and in surprisingly good shape.
I notice that I have this tendency to want to control my life in terms of always having the best/most ideal setup, where things will work with ease and I often project that out in my mind and want to have it all organized, and have it play-out perfectly smoothly in real life. When that doesn’t happen, I get all frazzled, and it can also be stressful just trying to maintain those mentally projected ideals.
So of course nothing in my day went as good as planned, I did not ‘feel’ as good as I normally do, which is apparently always a prerequisite to doing well – I must feel good apparently, or I just won’t be able to succeed. Not only did today end up going well, but it went extra well. I handled all my work effectively, worked with teachers effectively, got to meet some new people and have lots of interactions and discussions with lots of others classmates, and most notably, had a very fun, almost giddy time in class. You know that feeling of being ‘over-tired’? That was me – and it was funny how my inhibitions were lessened. Almost like being on a substance, I simply did not have the energy to censor myself and basically be an actor, so I spoke more openly, expressed myself more, hesitated less, did not resist making mistakes quite as much. By the last class of my day I was cracking all kinds of jokes and really having a lot of fun with my whole class, including the professor. I got to ‘be myself’ and it was great to do it without the crutch of drugs. This reminds me of another experience not too long ago where a ‘hectic day’ full of challenges and unforeseen play-outs, actually made me stronger, to the point where it was noticeable by the end of my day.
What was it?
Through things not going my way, not being ideal, not being what I think I want them to be, and yet still going into my day and committing myself to be successful and do what it takes to have a good day, I made a statement of self trust, where I let go of the underlying fear that makes me tend to project idealized conditions, where I then limit myself to those conditions, and fall when things don’t go my way. It is fascinating because while there are principles and timelines and things that must be followed – ultimately time and life is a flow – a FLOW not a F(ol)LOW – yes there are strict points that sometimes need to be followed very closely and specifically, but sometimes what must be lived and applied is a matter of what simply comes up in the moment and you have to be able to adapt and live within it – not bind yourself because ‘this does not fit into the plan of action’. This is a great lesson to learn because this world is increasingly becoming a more hectic and unpredictable place – at least for the time being – and so it is important to be able to establish myself and not be hindered by circumstances that I do not see as ideal, but rather stick to the commitment of doing what is necessary to be done as it is required, no matter what is the circumstances
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit my participation and self application to my circumstances and environment, such as where I am, what tools I have, how much sleep I got, and virtually any circumstance that I may not see as conducive to what it is that I ultimately want to do
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to give up just because my circumstances aren’t ideal or things do not unfold as planned
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit certain activities to certain time slots or places, not seeing, realizing and understanding that life is a fluid flow and that no activity or application must be bound by any circumstance, and that the most important things that I simply do what is necessary to be done no matter what
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I am too tired, I cannot get anything done, as if I in fact were ‘too tired’, then I would be asleep because when the body needs sleep, I do not have free choice
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have all the right circumstance and conditions to do things like: I must feel good, I must be in the right place, it must be at the right time
I commit myself to stop limiting my flow of application to projections of ‘ideal’ circumstances, conditions
I commit myself to do whatever is necessary to be done and to always find a way to make things flow and not give up of be discouraged just because circumstance change, are new, unfamiliar – I commit myself to breathe and remain here in the moment to assess my current situation, and thus how to effectively move forward, in self honesty