Day 339: Childhood memories influencing my relationship

 

Recently, through working on a mind construct on relationships, I have been looking at and working through through several past memories of relationship experiences and how they have influenced who I am today and how I am living the experience/word of ‘relationship’. As I work with these memories, other memories have been coming up of even earlier childhood experiences that also played into what I ultimately experience/live as my relationships.

 

I see that a great deal of my pursuing relationships and, frankly obsessing over them, was based in experiences as a child where I felt I needed others to take care of me but did not get the proper care/attention that I required. Whether or not I truly needed this care that I felt I did not get is still unclear to me, as I was at a young age where I was vulnerable and couldn’t do certain things for myself, other than perhaps express effectively that I required support – perhaps I did this but still did not get the support I required, hence the urgency and obsession that later developed as my need for fulfillment through a relationship. But this does not change the fact that currently I am an adult and am fully capable of supporting myself in whatever it is that I require, even if this sometimes involves participation with others.

 

And within this obsession/being stuck in past memories wherein I believe that I require the help of another, my tendency has been to utilize relationships from such a starting point, and the major problem here is that this then keeps/prevents me from effectively supporting myself, as I often notice that my relationship can be a distraction from myself/my process and focusing on what really matters – who I am and directing myself to support myself effectively so that I do not need/experience the feeling that I require another to be fulfilled.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a relationship can save me, that I need and require a relationship and for my partner to give certain things such as love, attention, affection and consideration for me and within this, that I have used this point of belief as a way of not focusing on myself and giving to myself that which I require as self support, in self directiveness and self responsibility. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give attention to my relationship and put work into my relationship wherein it is from the starting point of making another like me and care for me and be obsessed with me so that I can have them conform to this point of servitude within the belief that I need and require them to be fulfilled

 

When and as I see myself obsessing over my relationship/partner, putting energy, attention and effort into it within the belief that I need a relationship/need a partner to love and obsess over me – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is a belief that I created from childhood experiences where I felt that I went without sufficient support, attention and consideration, and thus believed that I require to find another and convince them/control/manipulate them or give them sufficient attention in order to ensure that they give me the support/consideration that I believe I require from them – thus I remain here as breath, releasing myself from these memories and the belief that I require another to take care of me, and do not participate in such desires to control another/be fulfilled by another, as these desires arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to obsess over give attention to, control and have power over another

 

I commit myself to ‘be here for myself’ within awareness as breath, no longer accepting/believing that I am ‘not enough’ for myself and that I require another to fulfill me as I see, realize and understand that I can never be fulfilled by another, that this is an illusion of the mind and that the feelings thereof will never last or fulfill me

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