Day 308: Re-defining who I am in my relationship to women

When I am bluntly honest and direct with myself about my relationship towards women, within the point of attraction to females, I can say without a doubt that I am existing within a point of desire that is then expressed as lust – and energetic experience where I experience both exhilaration at getting what I desire or the prospect of getting what I desire, and then the other side of the coin, sadness, anger, a feeling of loss when I do not get what I want or do now have any hope/prospects.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined being young and ‘cute’ as being being beautiful, special and ‘worth more’ – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘cuteness’ as being young and small and having a high pitched voice and having certain proportions where there is ‘baby fat’ that makes one look young and pudgy, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have realized the trap of cuteness and defining certain things as cute and giving them a positive energetic charge because subconsciously I am aware that being cute means not being a physical threat and that I have more physical power over that which is cute and thus believe I can control it and do not need to fear it because it can never hurt me – not seeing, realizing and understanding that the deception of ‘cute’ as apparently being desirable and harmless is in fact an insidious way to control me through me being favorable and extra-kind to that which I define as cute within the belief that it is harmless and desirable, as that which I seek to control and have power over because I have it, will end up having power and control over me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined the female body and its shape/curves as being special/more than/desirable because this has been presented to me time and time again through media as being special/desirable, as something that will apparently bring me happiness and fulfillment if I can have access to it and control it because in the mind it is has been turned into a commodity to be sought after, owned and possessed – not realizing the trap, like with any possessions, that that which I give added value to that is not real as commodities will end up possessing me because I then create a dependency where I am ‘less than’ and experience myself as ‘less than/going without/losing something’ if I do not possess such things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define women as being desirable within the principle of ‘wanting that which I am not/wanting that which I have separated myself from’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding the desire/need/want/dependency that I have created through defining myself as separate – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire certain attributes of females that I have further defined myself as separate from such as: dark skin, soft skin that feels different, skin that is not mine, differently shaped eyes, cheeks, nose, smaller shoulders, breasts, buttocks, the vagina, female body fat, small body size, female leg shape, lack of body hair, long hair on the head, long eyelashes, long nails, slender hands and arms, differently shaped lips, big lips – everything about the female body that I have defined as desirable because I have defined myself, and within this creating the belief that I must gain access to/control over that which I have defined as separate from myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of ‘comfort’ when I have access to/have a feeling of control over that which I have defined as desirable as the female body, wherein I feel comfortable and safe because I have what I believe I need and momentarily subside the fear of losing that which I have defined as needing/valuable – not realizing that this comfort is in fact just the momentary subsiding/escape from the fear of loss

I have seen within me that when I do not get what I want, or I consider the point of giving up all these points which I desire/have defined positively, I go into a kind of sadness, a kind of experience of hopelessness, where it is like my whole world is ending, like I am preparing for some big loss – this I have to realize is based on past experiences where I did not understand that my desires were merely desires – illusory creations – and thus, when giving up the desires, I would have to give up the whole relationship and any/all forms of interactions/communication. This is no longer the case. I am able to only give up that which is illusory and simply continue living and interacting otherwise – it is just that without desire, this living/interaction becomes a different kind of expression – this is something that must not fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of depression/negativity/sadness/seriousness when applying myself to change myself within a relationship or even looking at the prospect of changing myself in the relationship, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply look at such a prospect in the mind rather than acting directly, here in the moment as breath, as when looking at the point in the mind, all kinds of resonant memories are activated wherein change was only understood as the ending of all interaction and the relationship turned sour and I did not in fact change but just went into another relationship of the same kind – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear changing who I am and to simply remain here, rather than to look for a way out of the relationship so that I do not have to change myself in fact.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear transforming my relationship to others and to myself and within this, to fear the transformation of my interactions with others

When and as I see myself reacting to any point about a female which I have defined as being special/different/desirable/of high value/of great importance which pertains to their looks or any aspect of their expression that pertains to such definitions – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am only being stimulated according to how I have defined such people in this way, and that this stimulation is producing the energy that is moving me to act – and thus I do not accept and allow myself to be stimulated by or to act on such points as they arise in my interactions with/observations of females as my thoughts, feelings and emotions about females

When and as I see myself reacting to females within such definitions as they are cute, soft, curvy, well proportioned, dark skinned, feminine sounding, have long hair, slender hands and arms, big or different looking eyes, small body and all other points that fit within the definition of the female archetype that I have created in my mind within a point of separation/fear of loss and the subsequent commodification and valuing of such an archetype that I have separated myself from – I stop, I breathe, I do not act on my reactions to such points as I see these reactions arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself feeling/believing that I need and require to have access to and control over such points as I have commodified them – I stop, breathe and I do not participate in such desires as the fear of loss and the desire to attain as they arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I remain here as breath, stable and constant, and without fear of loss

When and as I see myself going into a negative experience of myself of sadness/loss/depression/hopelessness/seriousness – I stop and breathe as I realize that such a perception is ‘making more out of things than there really is, because this is how I experienced changes in my relationships in the past, as completely negative and turning into spitefulness and hatred and the complete stopping of any communication due to this – and thus I do not overcompensate for this point of self change as going into this emotional reaction, thus allowing myself to remain here and face the points here in the moment as myself as breath, and no longer look to the mind as negative emotions/feelings/thoughts based on past experiences as a way of not having to take self responsibility here in the moment and direct myself as breath unconditionally and without fear

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I always have the tendency to desire that which I believe I am separate from, only because I have defined myself as separate to it in the first place, based on past experiences, and tat I only desire such points based on this self definition/definition of others as the belief that I am separate/not one/not equal and the fear of loss created within such separation.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the comfort I experience from attaining/having access to/having control over a woman’s body is in fact only based on this fear of loss and thus to enjoy the experience of having access/control over such things as I have defined them as separate, is only a momentary escape/appeasement from the fear of loss that I have created and am existing within/as

I commit myself to change and transform who I am within relationships and my interactions within females to stand as one and equal, no longer existing within/as separation and fear of loss, and to do this in the moment without the mind guiding me and any backdoors that the fear of loss may try to open – I commit myself to change who I am unconditionally and without fear within the faith and understanding that if I give of myself unconditionally within equality and oneness as that which I would like to receive, that the outcome will always be that which is best for all life.

Day 307: Some notes on what I’ve learned from living in Thailand

Seeing the economic status/conditions of this country, and being able to fit it into the bigger picture that includes all of the world nations, has helped me to better understand the global hierarchy of nations and how individual countries play specific roles within this.

 

Within this, currency manipulation and separation through cultural identities is key – also the competition point, which is expressed through nationalism.

 

One of the best tools to keep any nation bonded to maintaining its role in the global hierarchy is nationalism – one of the best forms of control is to have one identify with and begin to love and revere their chains – this obviously applies at the individual level in interpersonal relationships as well. Religion also plays a major role in this as the antidote when the conditions of a nation are adverse, giving all kind of justifications as to why things are the way they are or false hope that it is all somehow for the better.

 

Identifying oneself with impoverishment, destitution and extremely adverse conditions carries with it great psychological implications – usually a degree of shame and a complete lack of self belief and self will – we all know how hard it is to be poor in the west at a social level and the implications this has – now imagine the massive degree of poverty that is standard, normalized and accepted in countries such as this, and how broad and far reaching these conditions are with regard to their effect on the psyche of the individual – conditions that we in the west would be appalled by, as we now see people rioting in the streets due to their living conditions worsening – whereas in countries such as this, it is already standard, accepted. It is fascinating because in this country, the protests and riots you see in the streets are actually the political minority upper-class who are angry about any attempts by ‘corrupt’ politicians to improve the lives of the poor majority lower class – this majority poor lower class simply don’t have the time or resources to gather and form a force to protest or riot, they are too busy surviving (or not even).

 

So our own lack of awareness to the lives of the impoverished in our own countries in the west are really just ‘the tip of the iceberg’ when you broaden that to a world-scale, and our lack of education and proper media reporting/exposure play a major role in this – also the fact that as nations who naturally compete according to the laws of economics, this ignorance can also be justified because as long as we are on the winning team, things are fine apparently. If anything, our main priority and inclination is to take advantage of and exploit such conditions, which really something that is done quite extensively.

 

Language barriers and cultural norms are exacerbated through the competition principle – most racism in the world is not overt but rather implicit, the principle of ‘it is different from me therefore I value it less’. The competition principle – expressed through cultural identity – places the lens through which we tend to judge things that are different and not normal in our own cultures, which is really an unfortunate thing because when you get down to it, you realize that it is all essentially the same stuff – predictable humans behavior based on circumstances/conditions – but just appearing differently because we are coming from different perspectives that are shaped by our conditions – again here economic conditions play the largest defining role.

 

For instance, in my experience I have noticed the tendency for many foreigners who come here to judge this country – which is quite an easy thing to do, given the conditions here and the issues they create – without ever considering that they themselves have in fact played a role in why things are the way they are in places like this. National borders are really illusory when it is plain fact that the entire world is very directly connected by a global economic system, and of course more indirectly connected through relationships.

 

When you break down borders and view this as a global issue, you also realize that in fact, what we would call ‘normal middle class’ people in western/developed nations, who we consider as not being rich, are in fact within the top %10 of the worlds richest people – so when people in the west feel disempowered to act and make any change for the better in their world within the mentality of ‘poor little old me, what could I possibly do?’ – understand that there are people in this world – China serves as a great example of this – who live in complete slavery. They get up, work for 18 hours, with short breaks for meals and hygiene upkeep to make sure they are still alive and can work – sleep for 6 hours and then repeat. People who would look at the lives of middle class people like ourselves and think ‘omg, they have 2 or 3 hours of free time to themselves every day and bit of extra money in the bank?’ what a life! I only wish I could ever be so privileged, the things I could do with all that freedom…’

 

We are also – in the case of Thailand – talking about a nation where certain basic freedoms are not even allowed by the rule of law – for instance while we have free speech in the west – although that is questionable and constantly under duress – this pales in comparison to a nation like this where for instance you literally cannot say any thing negative about the monarchy – you would be thrown in jail.

 

In the west, our lack of understanding and our inaction comes largely from information control and manipulation, but when we are talking about a country with money and resources through which the individual tends to be more enabled and have more opportunity, ignorance is more of a choice – whereas in Thailand there is a large amount of information control on the internet and in media in general, and again very limiting economic conditions – many people genuinely don’t know what they don’t know and have no way of ever finding out, and thus have very little chance or opportunity of being able to help themselves.

 

So this really all puts into perspective our self-responsibility and our responsibility to our world as middle-class westerners.

Day 306: Pleading with others

 

Today I noticed a particular thought pattern that was occurring in my mind, which I have noticed before but never pinpointed and addressed. Upon having a moment of fear arise – the fear of what another might do and the fear that I will be harmed – I saw myself suddenly go into imaginings about how I would plead with this person to see things another way – my way – and to have some sort of realization that would change their mind and course of behavior. This was real Hollywood bullshit, straight out of a movie where I envision myself becoming very endearing, dramatic, heartfelt, really ‘putting it all out there and showing my deepest feelings’ – that is like, really manipulative bullshit that needs to stop immediately. It doesn’t work and it’s not real. There is only common sense as what is best for all and to give something some personalized, moralistic connotation is just deception and manipulation, no matter how good it sounds or how well intended it is.

 

There is an additional consequence as well, where I actually further build up the fear existent within me by not actually directing it but rather tacitly allowing it through just finding ways to appease it, and then, I build myself up in hope – fascinating to see such a correlation between fear and hope – and then of course I build myself up for a big disappointment when I don’t get what I want and the manipulation isn’t effective. Then the fear ultimately ends up as anger.

 

Yesterday I wrote about the point of spitefulness – which is basically the behavior that is the result of the accumulation experiences of anger – and how that leads to a false desire for ‘love’ – trying to escape the negative, the truth of myself, by chasing that which has been presented to me as positive: the ideal life including the ideal relationship. So it is fascinating to begin to see how all of these points intertwine – fear, hope, love, anger.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to – upon having a moment of fear as reaction to a belief of another, based on what I may have observed about them – go into imaginings about how I can manipulate the person, using pleading with them, as a way of utilizing a fake persona wherein I am endearing, heartfelt and dramatic, trying to appeal to them ‘softly’ and hoping that they will feel empathy and a kind of ‘caring’ that is also fake because it is just based invoking their own inner feelings of guilt by presenting a sorry image to them, hoping that they will ‘come to their senses’ of empathy

 

I see, realize and understand that I only believe that such manipulation tactics may work because they seem to have worked in the past – thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that such manipulation tactics are actually effective and will still work

 

When and as I see myself wanting to utilize pleading and ways of invoking empathy through presenting a sorry, heartfelt, endearing presentation of myself as a way of manipulating them to not be/do that which I fear – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand the game of manipulation that I am playing and that it simply doesn’t work as it is not real/directive/self honest but actually just a reflection of me accepting/allowing/giving into my own fears/beliefs/judgments/opinions, and as such, having this acceptance as my starting point will in fact resonate through me from the core of my being and only invoke fears in another, which were the cause of my fears in the first place! Fearing who others are because others are living/acting out of fear – thus I do not go into such imaginings or act on them, I stop and breathe and not give into my fearful desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

Another quick point written in my journal today:

 

A reaction is just a reaction == not real! Breathe breathe breathe, walk it off – until it is done and you may then be able to get to the bottom of it.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have ignored the moment in which I had a reaction to another where I did not get what I wanted, not realizing how this intense moment of reaction would greatly affect me and my perception/thinking throughout the course of my day

 

thus, I commit myself to – when I have such emotional reactions of feeling rejected/not getting what I want – to stop and breathe, and realize that I have gone into a reaction and to deal with it immediately if necessary or as soon as possible, within the understanding and consideration of the fact that this is a reaction occurring here and that if I do not direct myself in such moments of reaction, I am setting myself up unnecessarily for hard times – thus I do not accept and allow such reactions to exist within me as I see, realize and understand that they are just reactions which need/require to be directed, and I apply myself to direct all reactions and not give into my reactions as the mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 305: What I believe I want in a woman

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have made the association between sex/the experience of orgasm with ‘love’ and being cared for

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the touch of a woman’s skin and body, and that I’ve associated such experiences and having access to such experiences with having a sense of control/power and therefore happiness

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire the touch of another as an energetic addiction to this experience of perceiving that I am in control of what which I only believe will support and take care of me

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn women into commodities and objects that fit a profile of what I apparently want and believe will make me happy and save/make my life whole

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play power/manipulation games wherein I jockey for positions of power with another in order to present myself/assert myself as superior, as a way of having others submit to be able to get what I want – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make judgments on others when I do not get what I want

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go looking for another person who will satisfy my desires and fulfill my addictions when I do not get what I desire/have my addictions fulfilled by my partner, as a way of being spiteful towards my partner for the experience of being angry/frustrated because I am not getting what I believe I want – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my desire for sex/liking others/desire for interaction/desire for ‘love’ on actual spitefulness towards another – or as the expression goes ‘to find someone on the rebound’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my love for one on my hate towards another – specifically, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my desire/love for a woman/partner on my spitefulness/hate/lack of self acceptance of myself, where I go looking fir fulfillment because I am not recognizing myself fully and living myself to my full potential, which are reflections of self hate, self rejection and beliefs about self not being good enough or inferior

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame others (women) and representations on women found in the media, for exciting my desires and ‘teasing me’ by stimulating me into having desires – not seeing and realizing that I am the directive principle within such a point and thus it is up to me whether or not I accept and allow such desires to exist within/as me

 

When and as I see myself looking to another to fulfill my desires for what I have defined as love and caring, looking for a feeling of fulfillment – I stop, I breathe, and I do not continue participating in such desires as I see, realize and understand that such desires are based on how I have not loved myself and recognized and lived myself fully, but rather created beliefs about how others are somehow superior and can therefore save me

 

When and as I see myself thinking/feeling that another is beautiful because of how they look/feel, I stop, I breathe, and I see, realize and understand that such beliefs are actually based on how I have defined perfection in my mind and made associations with perfection/happiness/fulfillment with a certain image/experience of a woman – thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in such feelings, thought and beliefs about another apparently being beautiful or special

 

When and as I see myself wanting desiring a woman only because I believe it will ‘be good for my life’ as if having a partner is some kind of commodity as part of a greater life plan – I stop, breathe and do not participate in such desires as I see, realize and understand that such beliefs were only designed in fear and survival, where I used an observation of having control over others as apparently being satisfying and making life happier and safer

 

When and as I see myself playing games of power/manipulation/jockeying for position with another as a way to try to get them to do/be what I want as what I have idealized about what roles others must play in my life – I stop, and breathe and do not attempt to do such things as I see, realize and understand that it is impossible to make another do what I want and control them and that this will make me happy because this desire and belief of happiness through control/manipulation is only a belief that I created by using what was presented to me in my world as apparently something that will make me happy

 

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that – due to where the desire for love/affection/attention is coming from, as a place of self neglect, self rejection, and spitefulness towards self and others, that any desire for love as an idea about having someone in my life in a certain way/’role’/character is only based in spitefulness and the beliefs created in spitefulness that having others play such roles in my life will apparently make me happy.

 

When and as I see myself judging/blaming others/women/the media for stimulating my desires and belief about women, love and relationships, I stop, I breathe, and I realize a simple point which is that I am the directive principle and all desires/beliefs are only created, accepted and allowed through/as me and thus if they are allowed to exist within me, then it is because I am allowing them to be, and as such I am not able to blame anyone or anything for stimulating me, no matter how much or how great the attempt to stimulate me may be.

Day 304: Scheduling and the ability to be directive

 

I have written on this point before. It is proving to me a more challenging point as I have not yet been able to actualize that which is ideal. What I have not done consistently is to be persistent on the point, although I’m persisting now – so let’s say I have not been consistently persistent lol.

 

Now I am on vacation, and although it may seem strange to be focused on scheduling and disciplining myself, the truth is that life never stops and I have spent enough tie in my life vacating reality to not be persistent about developing effective work ethic and self application through organization and scheduling. Also, the vacation is a great opportunity to start with this point.

 

How will I go about this? The main ingredient in being effective with scheduling is self honesty and that is also the biggest challenge because there will be moments where I fear to give up whatever is here in the moment because I have to stick to my schedule. Keeping up any habit requires energy, attention and time, so I fear my schedule will take time away from that which I believe I must give attention to. Here self honesty is absolutely crucial because I have to recognize that old systems that I used to survive in the past simply don’t work. For instance – being obsessive about relationships and having a partner – in the past I would obsess over this point within an underlying belief that I could be saved by others, believing that the feeling I got from being immersed in a relationship and feeling ‘loved’/’cared for’ would somehow equate into surviving and having a good life, because this is what I had observed/believed from a young age with my parents and people around me.

 

Of course it does matter to be a part of this world, to truly interact – but relationships as we know them today have becoming a way of ‘interacting within a starting point of how we are different/separate wherein we fulfill fake roles that will apparently please each other. Within such a point, the drive is to become the character I believe I must be as much as possible, as fully as possible, completely immersing my whole life in it so I can live the character in absolutely every single moment – then it must be real! This is the belief system.

 

But with regards to real interaction and real living, it is important to remember the point of quality over quantity. Some of the people who had the greatest impact on my life, who could truly touch me in the core of my being beyond any form of ‘personalized intimacy’ I have ever known, did it swiftly and with effectiveness.

 

So this is the point: effectiveness: and if I am effective with myself and my own living, I am able to be effective in my living/interaction with others, and actually give more value and real meaning to my living here among others, more efficiently and effectively, which means I can do it more, and for more people. Once again, in giving up that which I fear to lose I am in fact gaining, because I am giving myself back to myself through truly living myself, truly taking the opportunities I have been gifted, truly living to my full potential. This point resonates in a way that is also beyond words and as I have found before, I will surely become more effective with my words because rather than trying to control with words, I become the directive principle in my life and thus my words become directive as an expression of myself as the directive principle.

 

Now I will begin scheduling.

Day 303: Some times we are living in…

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One of the greatest things I was ever shown was how the mind has become an absolute trap – that the information which comprise the mind which is that we have been taught through experience in our culture/society, is not taught in my best interest – it is only here to lead me astray, to disempower me, to make sure that I am stuck in the mind that is based on belief, ideas, ideology, opinions, perceptions – never based in reality – so that I am not able to have any real effect in my reality whatsoever.

This is how we are all raised (razed?) and it is no wonder hoards and hoards of people – the vast majority of humans – are essentially useless, ineffective and are thus able to be controlled by a tiny percentage of the population who wield no real power but the ability to have us deceive ourselves within/as our own minds – we control ourselves for them. Having as much of an ego as I did at the time that I found this out, it was a great shock, and in vast contrast to how I had wanted to perceive myself: as being powerful and in control. It is that same ego that felt insulted, ridiculed, embarrassed – which drove me to zealously want to uncover the truth and figure things out.

It was only then later after I did sufficient research from sources less heard, walking a road less traveled, that I began to figure out that ego itself was part of the problem – that no matter what the illusion is that I am trapped in, the essential point is that my delusions were all about ME – self serving, and never in consideration of all life as equal and one. I began to see that the problem is not the brainwashing per say, but the brainwashed, following the religion of self-interest – a game that only a few people in positions of privilege and advantage will ever win.

I sometimes found it difficult to make this connection – between my own weaknesses, fears, insecurities, and the ‘bigger picture’ of the absolute mess that our society/world has become. But the more I let go, I see that it is the combined self-limitations of all people on earth, administered as brainwashing and mind control, that have us collectively creating the world as it is today.

Sometimes we stop because we realize what we are doing to ourselves. Sometimes we stop because we see what we are doing to others. Eventually, stopping becomes a point of common sense that is really what is best for all, and this is what stopping is becoming for me in my process. It is less about my reaction and anger and disgust with what I have seen in the world, and more of a common sense point because the way my life had become was no way of life at all – it had just become normal.

Sometimes it seems so difficult to question what has become normal and the way we have always existed and done things. How much is enough? How much does it take to make us stand up and take self responsibility to sort things out? Everyone has a threshold – no matter how lost, deluded or trapped – everyone has a ‘breaking point’ where they can take no more, once it dawns on us what we have actually been doing. That dawn is upon us and better we open our eyes than to resist what is here.

We all require to take a long, hard look in the mirror, we need it so badly that it should be a top priority in every free moment of our lives, if we actually were to recognize how much life matters. That long, hard look is best done through writing. Is it really such a big deal to question that which we have always trusted? Is it really so hard to consider that maybe there is another way? Is it really so hard to look at our world and consider – maybe this is not working, and maybe I am this which I observe in my external reality – maybe it is me.

Day 302: Relationship exposure

 

Today I will be sharing a rather ‘personal’ blog from a journal entry. I actually don’t mind sharing personal stuff here, however I have had some resistance to doing so (just as I have also had to writing about this subject at all, and just as I usually tend to have resistance to writing in self honesty) and a bit of fear that others could judge me, react negatively or even try to use personal information against me in some form of slander – however I am quite certain that there is nothing illegal about having relationship problems lol. So, enjoy:

 

So there have been a lot of intense emotions today. I felt sort of bad and drained about the sex I participated in last night. It felt robotic, careless, totally energy based. All my thoughts have been about this other person and feeling not appreciated by her, like she just doesn’t care. I try to not take it personally because it is like, how she is, is about her, not me, and also, there is no point in getting angry and upset as a way of trying to control the situation by throwing a tantrum. It feels good to write this stuff out, perhaps I should have done this sooner since I’ve had the opportunity, and perhaps this is even partly where the experience of feeling like another does not care is coming from.

 

I feel like I should stop trying to engage her. I feel like when I try to talk to her, she is not interested, she doesn’t even notice. I feel like when I try to share things with her, she doesn’t care and doesn’t even notice. I feel like when I try to touch her, she does not care and doesn’t even notice. That’s about it. I feel like, what is the point of always trying to engage this person when they have no interest in anything about me? I feel like she is more interested in my image than the actual me, like she takes more photos of me than times she actually talks to me, like she is just with me so she can post photos of her relationship on facebook. I feel like when she touches me, I am treated like more of a toy, and object, than a real being.

 

Perhaps I am just disappointed because I want a nice, energetic experience that another cares about me. Perhaps I am just disappointed that I allow myself to try to ‘make something happen’ with a person just because she fits a nice image and profile that I like, but doesn’t actually make practical sense to do so and thus I get frustrated with myself that I just won’t accept the truth.

 

I then ask, but what is the point of relationships if it is just about a practical agreement, if there is no feeling, love and intimacy as I have defined them in the past. I mean if this is the starting point, then I really just need to make an agreement with myself. The ability to do so with another is not something that I ever expect to happen. And then there are circumstances that bind me to others where an agreement is impossible and I only can make an agreement with myself. What this all comes down to, whether amongst others or alone, I am making an agreement with myself. I keep telling myself, ‘well I can just do it within a relationship, I don’t have to change my agreement with another/change the circumstances I’m in – but then I wonder – what the hell is the point of being here? Perhaps there is value in not reacting to the other, in maintaining the agreement with myself no matter what is going on with another – but then I fear I will lose the relationship ‘things will turn bad’ because the person is also not getting what they want. This is what scares me – staying in the relationship and changing myself, disengaging from the survival systems I have always used and having to use practical tools – writing, self investigation, breathing – because here I am delving into the unknown.

 

I want to be able to ‘just express myself with this person’ in terms of how I have always operated, but then it feels like it always falls on deaf ears, and when it is not reciprocated, or when I can’t do it, I just feel shitty, I go into withdrawal and have all these thoughts.

 

Cerise wrote today about how Bernard always seemed like he didn’t care, and this is what I fear being perceived as, because there is so much that I am not interested in and just wouldn’t really participate in, and would have to ‘step back from’. So, perhaps this is what I fear of others because this is how I perceive things. Still, I don’t think it is unreasonable to strive to develop communication and intimacy, but perhaps this is what it will take – to first disengage, to delve into the unknown, to take on, deal with and face points as they come up in the moment, here as breath, in self honestly as I go along. To let go of the old so that I may live anew.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for validation within the experience of having a relationship with another, through what I have defined as love and caring

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear disengaging from that which I have always used to participate in relationships as the looking for stimulation and validation, using thoughts, emotions and feelings as the fear of loss as that which is driving me to engage another

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear changing within a relationship because I am no longer dependent on old systems/ways of communicating/participating, and energy, and am rather taking on a new challenge where I walk the path unknown and re-define all aspects of my participation in self honest common sense

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined love and caring as ‘we must interact and communicate’ – not realizing that sometimes it is necessary to step back from that which is not real to even give myself the opportunity to live for real

 

I commit myself to stop allowing the fear of loss and the desire for energy to drive me as the tendency to engage and interact with others and influence how I engage and interact with others

 

I commit myself to allow myself to remain here as breath – not matter what occurs in my external reality – as the self trust to disengage from utilizing systems that are based in fear of loss – and to simply exist self honestly, where I no longer embellish or try to manipulate events in a way that are favorable to an outcome that I have designed in my mind where I have envisioned an ideal of perfection, as I see, realize and understand that all forms of perfection – both individual and in relationship agreements – must be based in self honesty and not fear of loss – and thus I do not accept and allow myself to compromise myself and that which is best for myself/all life by giving into such desires to participate in old systems that are design in fear of loss, as they occur as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

 

I commit myself to give myself back to myself and within this, to stop acting out of spite and blame, as I see, realize and understand that by giving myself back to myself by not compromising myself/principles that are best for all life, I will not longer exist in spite, blame and resentment as I have supported myself and given up old systems sufficiently to direct myself and my reality for real, here, self honestly as breath