Day 311: Re-defining ignorance, part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to utilize ignorance as a way of escaping my reality and fulfilling self interest within the notion that ‘ignorance is bliss’, wherein if I just ignore my reality and remain uneducated while preoccupying myself with entertainment and useless distractions, I believe that my life and experience of myself will somehow be better, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give ignorance a positive charge

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use ignoring people as a weapon within an energetic experience of spitefulness wherein I use ignoring someone as a way of saying ‘fuck’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stop and realize that I am in fact reacting towards another and that this is only out of fear of what another can do to me which is in fact just the fear of myself as how I exist within my own thoughts about others – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that is in fact impossible from a certain perspective as I require to interact with others in order to exist and co-exist and that ignoring others is not the answer as that which is bothering me which I fear is not others in fact by my own thoughts, feelings and emotions and thus it is pointless to ignore others when in fact I am the creator of my experience and it is my thoughts which disturb me – not others – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore others within/as a point of blame and as a way of not having to face myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and ignore my own thoughts by focusing on others and then trying to ignore others – not seeing and realizing that the only thing that is necessary to ignore is the desire to give into my own reactions/thoughts and that this is the only way that ignoring can ever be valid: ignoring the desire to ignore others and react/give into my thoughts/feelings/emotions as this is useless and not self directive

I commit myself to take self responsibility for my own thought and to not ignore them and remain ignorant to the truth of myself as my own reactions as thoughts/feelings/emotions – and within this, I commit myself to stop the tendency to ignore others as a way of believing my inner reactions to be real and believing that others are the problem, and thus the tendency to want to ignore others as a way of being spiteful/saying ‘fuck you’

when and as I see myself wanting/desiring to ignore others/my reality – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that what I am reacting to is in fact my own fears as my thoughts/feelings emotions that may only present themselves as being about others when they are in fact about me and how I am existing and that the only solution here is to direct my attention to my own reactions and forgive/correct them, by investigating what was the reaction, what was it’s nature and what is it showing me about me, which holds the key to correcting such a point and no longer fearing others/creating the desire to ignore others – thus I take self responsibility for who I am and do not give into the desire to ignore others within blame, as this desire arises as my thoughts/feelings/emotions

I commit myself to remain here and face my thoughts and stop all tendencies to ignore my thoughts and my inner and outer reality – I remain here within the understanding that I am the directive principle/creator of how I experience myself and thus I am able to direct myself as I would like accordingly always as long as I remain here, aware, facing myself and all that is here without fear of myself, projected as the fear of others

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Day 310: No more cappuccinos!

In this blog I will not be continuing chronologically with the topic of my previous blog of redefining ignorance – this will be continued at a later time. The reason for this is that a fascinating point came up today.

Normally, my coffee drink of choice is a cappuccino. I have been drinking cappuccino’s regularly for a couple years or so now. The reason I like them is because I don’t like to put sugar in my coffee – I find it defeats the point. So basically, I justified the cappuccino addiction (as I just saw today that it was in fact an addiction) by saying to myself that I did it to make drinking coffee a little easier, since I don’t take sugar.

As a result, having a cappuccino was something that I saw as my daily ‘treat’, while at the same time I justified this habit/dependency that I had created because it was my way of getting coffee, which I have defined as a good thing, because it helps me focus and do work and blah blah blah.

What I really was not seeing was how this habit was affecting me. I mean, it seems innocent enough, right? The last few days I had been noticing how difficult it was to study, do work and generally focus myself, specifically with things that really matter that need to get done. I would even set very specific and attainable goals for myself for my days, and I just couldn’t stick to what I had planned. I was becoming frustrated with my inability to focus myself and be effective/directive in my daily activities. Sometimes, because of this there will then be side effects where I will do other things/other behaviors will arise to compensate for this. Within this state of being unfocused and in a kind of haze, without realizing it, I was beginning to accept it as my normal state of being, like this is who I am, and this is where the tendency to overcompensate comes in, where I would find ways to become overzealous or ‘psyche myself up’ for my daily activities. I would sometimes become frustrated because it is like I am aware on some level that there is something wrong with me, and yet I was not conscious of what it was at all, and therefore helpless to do anything about it.

Then today, at one point I really felt lost, because I had already had my daily cappuccino, and yet, I just couldn’t focus at all. I felt lost. So I got up and went to the local coffee bar. For whatever reason, I decided to try something new. I wanted a black coffee. This was really interesting because I’m not really sure what the motivation was, other than the appeal of a black coffee being cheaper than a cappuccino. What I had chosen, I didn’t realize, actually turned out to be an espresso. I noticed and had a slight experience of feeling disappointed when I took my coffee and it felt so light lol. But then I gulped down the expresso and went back home. When I got home I decided to study Thai language. As usually, when studying, there were moments of distraction, but I didn’t latch on to them. I stayed the course and studied. The determination that I had all day long as my intent, suddenly had a stronger resolve in performance. I studied quite well and ended up memorizing 10 words that I had previously been struggling with. Then after studying, I was onto the next point, and then the next, and the next. Within all of this, my focus was much better than it been in some time. It was really cool. Six hours later now, the espresso caffeine has worn off for the most part, and yet the focus is still better than it has been in the last few days.

A few key insights I have realized with regards to health and diet are: the mental relationship and the relationship we have to the experience of eating food is paramount. From my perspective, it is this relationship that really plays a crucial role in whether or not foods are healthy for us. Why do I not overeat tons of sugar which could have a detrimental effect on my health? I simply don’t have that kind of strong, positively charged relationship to those kinds of sugary foods that would create an addiction which would cause me to eat past the point of when the body is saying ‘enough’. From what I can tell, the human body functions quite well on it’s own – it is the mental relationship that we develop to foods and things in our world that fucks up what the body would normally otherwise regulate and manage effectively. In this way, it is interesting how one food (or activity, for that matter) may be a problem for one person, while it may totally not affect another person in any negative way whatsoever. That’s why it is sometimes foolish to make blanket statements about the health/food/nutrition.

What is interesting about this addiction is that it was very insidious. It had become most detrimental, purely by virtue of it being a habit, by it becoming normalized, and therefore, unquestionable (or at least very difficult to question with clarity). This point speaks volumes to the way we as human beings live and exist in general – existing in insidious habits and patterns, their lethality being by virtue of the fact that we have just always done things in such a way. This is the main point to take away from this experience. What other habits/patterns have I been overlooking and justifying with ‘a grain of truth and reason’ that it is for a better/higher cause/purpose? I will, in my personal journal, list all such points that I am aware of or suspect.

Furthermore, this point has clearly been holding me back from being effective with other points, so it is interesting to see how sometimes we are trying to correct a point and see that we are unable to, and sometimes need to step back and not obsess/fixate ourselves, so that we can take a look at the bigger picture and consider things outside of our initial frame of mind. It is sometimes surprising to see how when we deal with something that we may have otherwise normally overlooked, we end up finding the key to other things that we are well aware of require a change. It usually always tends to be these things that we take for granted and resist giving up. Like many other addictions/habits/patterns I’ve dealt with, this one, by the end of it’s time, did very little for me. The pleasure I perceived to get from it was very little, and more by virtue of the habit than the actual experience. It just gave me a nice little feeling – but at what cost?

Day 309: Re-defining ignorance, part 1

 

 

Like all living words, when lived and applied in a way that is best for all life, any word can have it’s usefulness. Here I would like to look at the word ignore/ignorance.

 

In the past I had used it as a defense mechanism, both passive and passive-aggressive – and so this word was useless and quite destructive to my life. ‘Passive’, meaning to simply ignore the things that matter, so that I can just remain in self interest and focus only on what I believe pleases me. To remain dumb and uneducated, unaware and disconnected, believing that this somehow serves me. The ‘passive-aggressive’ side of ignorance is more of an act in situations where I may observe something that troubles me, that I don’t like, that I react to, and within this, go into an expression of spitefulness as ignoring the person or thing that I observe/experience this way – a way of saying ‘fuck you’ without actually saying it – basically abandoning something. I had done this because I feared that which I observed and within fearing it, judged it and defined it/the person as being that which I observed, believing that this is all it/the person will ever be, and thus the ‘fight or flight’ system is engaged, fight and flight essentially being one and the same through the act of saying ‘fuck you’ by ignoring.

 

So the point is to never abandon a person and ex-communicate, and even hold a grudge, as people so often do when there are hard times and conflict or traumatic experiences. And yet, there are moments where the best way to support an individual s to leave them to their own devices for a moment – but with the faith that if I stand absolute in equality to this person and do not judge, that I will remain here, stable and constant in my standing with open arms, the person will inevitably eventually come to a point of understanding/realization, and our time will finally come to coexist and share the gift that we both are as life.

 

This is a massive point, I deal with it a lot in my interpersonal relationships and realize that this extends to pretty much all my relationships in my life. We are all in different points of understanding in our process, we resist change, we are stuck in habits that are, quite frankly destructive and evil – and yet this is just illusion from the perspective of the fact that we are simply lost, we are brainwashed, it is not who we really are as life. All illusions end eventually.

 

In fear and judgment of what we have become, the tendency is to want to try and control – but that tendency is only birthed from a fear we have created of ourselves within the awareness that our own standing, self forgiveness and self corrective application are not absolute. The fear can be strong, because of course there is some pretty wicked shit out there that we observe people living out. We sometimes call this attempt at controlling others/that which we observe in the outside world ‘love’ or ‘caring’ – but that is a self righteous excuse to continue this pattern of judgment, fear and control, which is in effect, useless and just keeps the cycle going. The hardest thing to do is to focus on self absolutely and stand so absolutely that nothing in our exterior world will shake us from our foundation of life.

 

After writing this last paragraph, I stepped away from my computer for a moment and realized something about the last paragraph that I wrote is actually pertains to a side effect, of what I realized is the main point in fact: living the word ‘ignore’ in a way that is real is more with regard to this overall tendency to react that I have mentioned – when thoughts in the mind that are judgmental, reactionary and fearful arise. And here I am not saying: ignorance is bliss. Hell no. All thoughts and inner experiences that we have require attention, they are here, they influence us, we can not deny them and to ignore their existence in the traditional sense (the ‘passive ignoring’ I mentioned) is foolish. Rather, to ignore effectively would be to simply recognize such inner experiences for what they are, and to not act on them and giving into the temptation to follow them, no matter how strong the fear or self doubt may appear. It would be to step back for a moment, breathe, and give ourselves the ‘breathing room’ that will only then enable us to begin to look at these experiences more effectively, deconstruct them and direct ourselves effectively. This takes practices, because it is like we are addicted to our minds/fears, the trust in our own illusions runs deep.

 

I will continue to practical self forgiveness and self corrective statement sin the next blog.

Day 308: Re-defining who I am in my relationship to women

When I am bluntly honest and direct with myself about my relationship towards women, within the point of attraction to females, I can say without a doubt that I am existing within a point of desire that is then expressed as lust – and energetic experience where I experience both exhilaration at getting what I desire or the prospect of getting what I desire, and then the other side of the coin, sadness, anger, a feeling of loss when I do not get what I want or do now have any hope/prospects.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined being young and ‘cute’ as being being beautiful, special and ‘worth more’ – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘cuteness’ as being young and small and having a high pitched voice and having certain proportions where there is ‘baby fat’ that makes one look young and pudgy, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have realized the trap of cuteness and defining certain things as cute and giving them a positive energetic charge because subconsciously I am aware that being cute means not being a physical threat and that I have more physical power over that which is cute and thus believe I can control it and do not need to fear it because it can never hurt me – not seeing, realizing and understanding that the deception of ‘cute’ as apparently being desirable and harmless is in fact an insidious way to control me through me being favorable and extra-kind to that which I define as cute within the belief that it is harmless and desirable, as that which I seek to control and have power over because I have it, will end up having power and control over me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined the female body and its shape/curves as being special/more than/desirable because this has been presented to me time and time again through media as being special/desirable, as something that will apparently bring me happiness and fulfillment if I can have access to it and control it because in the mind it is has been turned into a commodity to be sought after, owned and possessed – not realizing the trap, like with any possessions, that that which I give added value to that is not real as commodities will end up possessing me because I then create a dependency where I am ‘less than’ and experience myself as ‘less than/going without/losing something’ if I do not possess such things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define women as being desirable within the principle of ‘wanting that which I am not/wanting that which I have separated myself from’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding the desire/need/want/dependency that I have created through defining myself as separate – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire certain attributes of females that I have further defined myself as separate from such as: dark skin, soft skin that feels different, skin that is not mine, differently shaped eyes, cheeks, nose, smaller shoulders, breasts, buttocks, the vagina, female body fat, small body size, female leg shape, lack of body hair, long hair on the head, long eyelashes, long nails, slender hands and arms, differently shaped lips, big lips – everything about the female body that I have defined as desirable because I have defined myself, and within this creating the belief that I must gain access to/control over that which I have defined as separate from myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of ‘comfort’ when I have access to/have a feeling of control over that which I have defined as desirable as the female body, wherein I feel comfortable and safe because I have what I believe I need and momentarily subside the fear of losing that which I have defined as needing/valuable – not realizing that this comfort is in fact just the momentary subsiding/escape from the fear of loss

I have seen within me that when I do not get what I want, or I consider the point of giving up all these points which I desire/have defined positively, I go into a kind of sadness, a kind of experience of hopelessness, where it is like my whole world is ending, like I am preparing for some big loss – this I have to realize is based on past experiences where I did not understand that my desires were merely desires – illusory creations – and thus, when giving up the desires, I would have to give up the whole relationship and any/all forms of interactions/communication. This is no longer the case. I am able to only give up that which is illusory and simply continue living and interacting otherwise – it is just that without desire, this living/interaction becomes a different kind of expression – this is something that must not fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of depression/negativity/sadness/seriousness when applying myself to change myself within a relationship or even looking at the prospect of changing myself in the relationship, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply look at such a prospect in the mind rather than acting directly, here in the moment as breath, as when looking at the point in the mind, all kinds of resonant memories are activated wherein change was only understood as the ending of all interaction and the relationship turned sour and I did not in fact change but just went into another relationship of the same kind – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear changing who I am and to simply remain here, rather than to look for a way out of the relationship so that I do not have to change myself in fact.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear transforming my relationship to others and to myself and within this, to fear the transformation of my interactions with others

When and as I see myself reacting to any point about a female which I have defined as being special/different/desirable/of high value/of great importance which pertains to their looks or any aspect of their expression that pertains to such definitions – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am only being stimulated according to how I have defined such people in this way, and that this stimulation is producing the energy that is moving me to act – and thus I do not accept and allow myself to be stimulated by or to act on such points as they arise in my interactions with/observations of females as my thoughts, feelings and emotions about females

When and as I see myself reacting to females within such definitions as they are cute, soft, curvy, well proportioned, dark skinned, feminine sounding, have long hair, slender hands and arms, big or different looking eyes, small body and all other points that fit within the definition of the female archetype that I have created in my mind within a point of separation/fear of loss and the subsequent commodification and valuing of such an archetype that I have separated myself from – I stop, I breathe, I do not act on my reactions to such points as I see these reactions arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself feeling/believing that I need and require to have access to and control over such points as I have commodified them – I stop, breathe and I do not participate in such desires as the fear of loss and the desire to attain as they arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I remain here as breath, stable and constant, and without fear of loss

When and as I see myself going into a negative experience of myself of sadness/loss/depression/hopelessness/seriousness – I stop and breathe as I realize that such a perception is ‘making more out of things than there really is, because this is how I experienced changes in my relationships in the past, as completely negative and turning into spitefulness and hatred and the complete stopping of any communication due to this – and thus I do not overcompensate for this point of self change as going into this emotional reaction, thus allowing myself to remain here and face the points here in the moment as myself as breath, and no longer look to the mind as negative emotions/feelings/thoughts based on past experiences as a way of not having to take self responsibility here in the moment and direct myself as breath unconditionally and without fear

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I always have the tendency to desire that which I believe I am separate from, only because I have defined myself as separate to it in the first place, based on past experiences, and tat I only desire such points based on this self definition/definition of others as the belief that I am separate/not one/not equal and the fear of loss created within such separation.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the comfort I experience from attaining/having access to/having control over a woman’s body is in fact only based on this fear of loss and thus to enjoy the experience of having access/control over such things as I have defined them as separate, is only a momentary escape/appeasement from the fear of loss that I have created and am existing within/as

I commit myself to change and transform who I am within relationships and my interactions within females to stand as one and equal, no longer existing within/as separation and fear of loss, and to do this in the moment without the mind guiding me and any backdoors that the fear of loss may try to open – I commit myself to change who I am unconditionally and without fear within the faith and understanding that if I give of myself unconditionally within equality and oneness as that which I would like to receive, that the outcome will always be that which is best for all life.

Day 307: Some notes on what I’ve learned from living in Thailand

Seeing the economic status/conditions of this country, and being able to fit it into the bigger picture that includes all of the world nations, has helped me to better understand the global hierarchy of nations and how individual countries play specific roles within this.

 

Within this, currency manipulation and separation through cultural identities is key – also the competition point, which is expressed through nationalism.

 

One of the best tools to keep any nation bonded to maintaining its role in the global hierarchy is nationalism – one of the best forms of control is to have one identify with and begin to love and revere their chains – this obviously applies at the individual level in interpersonal relationships as well. Religion also plays a major role in this as the antidote when the conditions of a nation are adverse, giving all kind of justifications as to why things are the way they are or false hope that it is all somehow for the better.

 

Identifying oneself with impoverishment, destitution and extremely adverse conditions carries with it great psychological implications – usually a degree of shame and a complete lack of self belief and self will – we all know how hard it is to be poor in the west at a social level and the implications this has – now imagine the massive degree of poverty that is standard, normalized and accepted in countries such as this, and how broad and far reaching these conditions are with regard to their effect on the psyche of the individual – conditions that we in the west would be appalled by, as we now see people rioting in the streets due to their living conditions worsening – whereas in countries such as this, it is already standard, accepted. It is fascinating because in this country, the protests and riots you see in the streets are actually the political minority upper-class who are angry about any attempts by ‘corrupt’ politicians to improve the lives of the poor majority lower class – this majority poor lower class simply don’t have the time or resources to gather and form a force to protest or riot, they are too busy surviving (or not even).

 

So our own lack of awareness to the lives of the impoverished in our own countries in the west are really just ‘the tip of the iceberg’ when you broaden that to a world-scale, and our lack of education and proper media reporting/exposure play a major role in this – also the fact that as nations who naturally compete according to the laws of economics, this ignorance can also be justified because as long as we are on the winning team, things are fine apparently. If anything, our main priority and inclination is to take advantage of and exploit such conditions, which really something that is done quite extensively.

 

Language barriers and cultural norms are exacerbated through the competition principle – most racism in the world is not overt but rather implicit, the principle of ‘it is different from me therefore I value it less’. The competition principle – expressed through cultural identity – places the lens through which we tend to judge things that are different and not normal in our own cultures, which is really an unfortunate thing because when you get down to it, you realize that it is all essentially the same stuff – predictable humans behavior based on circumstances/conditions – but just appearing differently because we are coming from different perspectives that are shaped by our conditions – again here economic conditions play the largest defining role.

 

For instance, in my experience I have noticed the tendency for many foreigners who come here to judge this country – which is quite an easy thing to do, given the conditions here and the issues they create – without ever considering that they themselves have in fact played a role in why things are the way they are in places like this. National borders are really illusory when it is plain fact that the entire world is very directly connected by a global economic system, and of course more indirectly connected through relationships.

 

When you break down borders and view this as a global issue, you also realize that in fact, what we would call ‘normal middle class’ people in western/developed nations, who we consider as not being rich, are in fact within the top %10 of the worlds richest people – so when people in the west feel disempowered to act and make any change for the better in their world within the mentality of ‘poor little old me, what could I possibly do?’ – understand that there are people in this world – China serves as a great example of this – who live in complete slavery. They get up, work for 18 hours, with short breaks for meals and hygiene upkeep to make sure they are still alive and can work – sleep for 6 hours and then repeat. People who would look at the lives of middle class people like ourselves and think ‘omg, they have 2 or 3 hours of free time to themselves every day and bit of extra money in the bank?’ what a life! I only wish I could ever be so privileged, the things I could do with all that freedom…’

 

We are also – in the case of Thailand – talking about a nation where certain basic freedoms are not even allowed by the rule of law – for instance while we have free speech in the west – although that is questionable and constantly under duress – this pales in comparison to a nation like this where for instance you literally cannot say any thing negative about the monarchy – you would be thrown in jail.

 

In the west, our lack of understanding and our inaction comes largely from information control and manipulation, but when we are talking about a country with money and resources through which the individual tends to be more enabled and have more opportunity, ignorance is more of a choice – whereas in Thailand there is a large amount of information control on the internet and in media in general, and again very limiting economic conditions – many people genuinely don’t know what they don’t know and have no way of ever finding out, and thus have very little chance or opportunity of being able to help themselves.

 

So this really all puts into perspective our self-responsibility and our responsibility to our world as middle-class westerners.

Day 306: Pleading with others

 

Today I noticed a particular thought pattern that was occurring in my mind, which I have noticed before but never pinpointed and addressed. Upon having a moment of fear arise – the fear of what another might do and the fear that I will be harmed – I saw myself suddenly go into imaginings about how I would plead with this person to see things another way – my way – and to have some sort of realization that would change their mind and course of behavior. This was real Hollywood bullshit, straight out of a movie where I envision myself becoming very endearing, dramatic, heartfelt, really ‘putting it all out there and showing my deepest feelings’ – that is like, really manipulative bullshit that needs to stop immediately. It doesn’t work and it’s not real. There is only common sense as what is best for all and to give something some personalized, moralistic connotation is just deception and manipulation, no matter how good it sounds or how well intended it is.

 

There is an additional consequence as well, where I actually further build up the fear existent within me by not actually directing it but rather tacitly allowing it through just finding ways to appease it, and then, I build myself up in hope – fascinating to see such a correlation between fear and hope – and then of course I build myself up for a big disappointment when I don’t get what I want and the manipulation isn’t effective. Then the fear ultimately ends up as anger.

 

Yesterday I wrote about the point of spitefulness – which is basically the behavior that is the result of the accumulation experiences of anger – and how that leads to a false desire for ‘love’ – trying to escape the negative, the truth of myself, by chasing that which has been presented to me as positive: the ideal life including the ideal relationship. So it is fascinating to begin to see how all of these points intertwine – fear, hope, love, anger.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to – upon having a moment of fear as reaction to a belief of another, based on what I may have observed about them – go into imaginings about how I can manipulate the person, using pleading with them, as a way of utilizing a fake persona wherein I am endearing, heartfelt and dramatic, trying to appeal to them ‘softly’ and hoping that they will feel empathy and a kind of ‘caring’ that is also fake because it is just based invoking their own inner feelings of guilt by presenting a sorry image to them, hoping that they will ‘come to their senses’ of empathy

 

I see, realize and understand that I only believe that such manipulation tactics may work because they seem to have worked in the past – thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that such manipulation tactics are actually effective and will still work

 

When and as I see myself wanting to utilize pleading and ways of invoking empathy through presenting a sorry, heartfelt, endearing presentation of myself as a way of manipulating them to not be/do that which I fear – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand the game of manipulation that I am playing and that it simply doesn’t work as it is not real/directive/self honest but actually just a reflection of me accepting/allowing/giving into my own fears/beliefs/judgments/opinions, and as such, having this acceptance as my starting point will in fact resonate through me from the core of my being and only invoke fears in another, which were the cause of my fears in the first place! Fearing who others are because others are living/acting out of fear – thus I do not go into such imaginings or act on them, I stop and breathe and not give into my fearful desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

Another quick point written in my journal today:

 

A reaction is just a reaction == not real! Breathe breathe breathe, walk it off – until it is done and you may then be able to get to the bottom of it.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have ignored the moment in which I had a reaction to another where I did not get what I wanted, not realizing how this intense moment of reaction would greatly affect me and my perception/thinking throughout the course of my day

 

thus, I commit myself to – when I have such emotional reactions of feeling rejected/not getting what I want – to stop and breathe, and realize that I have gone into a reaction and to deal with it immediately if necessary or as soon as possible, within the understanding and consideration of the fact that this is a reaction occurring here and that if I do not direct myself in such moments of reaction, I am setting myself up unnecessarily for hard times – thus I do not accept and allow such reactions to exist within me as I see, realize and understand that they are just reactions which need/require to be directed, and I apply myself to direct all reactions and not give into my reactions as the mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 305: What I believe I want in a woman

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have made the association between sex/the experience of orgasm with ‘love’ and being cared for

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the touch of a woman’s skin and body, and that I’ve associated such experiences and having access to such experiences with having a sense of control/power and therefore happiness

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire the touch of another as an energetic addiction to this experience of perceiving that I am in control of what which I only believe will support and take care of me

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn women into commodities and objects that fit a profile of what I apparently want and believe will make me happy and save/make my life whole

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play power/manipulation games wherein I jockey for positions of power with another in order to present myself/assert myself as superior, as a way of having others submit to be able to get what I want – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make judgments on others when I do not get what I want

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go looking for another person who will satisfy my desires and fulfill my addictions when I do not get what I desire/have my addictions fulfilled by my partner, as a way of being spiteful towards my partner for the experience of being angry/frustrated because I am not getting what I believe I want – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my desire for sex/liking others/desire for interaction/desire for ‘love’ on actual spitefulness towards another – or as the expression goes ‘to find someone on the rebound’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my love for one on my hate towards another – specifically, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my desire/love for a woman/partner on my spitefulness/hate/lack of self acceptance of myself, where I go looking fir fulfillment because I am not recognizing myself fully and living myself to my full potential, which are reflections of self hate, self rejection and beliefs about self not being good enough or inferior

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame others (women) and representations on women found in the media, for exciting my desires and ‘teasing me’ by stimulating me into having desires – not seeing and realizing that I am the directive principle within such a point and thus it is up to me whether or not I accept and allow such desires to exist within/as me

 

When and as I see myself looking to another to fulfill my desires for what I have defined as love and caring, looking for a feeling of fulfillment – I stop, I breathe, and I do not continue participating in such desires as I see, realize and understand that such desires are based on how I have not loved myself and recognized and lived myself fully, but rather created beliefs about how others are somehow superior and can therefore save me

 

When and as I see myself thinking/feeling that another is beautiful because of how they look/feel, I stop, I breathe, and I see, realize and understand that such beliefs are actually based on how I have defined perfection in my mind and made associations with perfection/happiness/fulfillment with a certain image/experience of a woman – thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in such feelings, thought and beliefs about another apparently being beautiful or special

 

When and as I see myself wanting desiring a woman only because I believe it will ‘be good for my life’ as if having a partner is some kind of commodity as part of a greater life plan – I stop, breathe and do not participate in such desires as I see, realize and understand that such beliefs were only designed in fear and survival, where I used an observation of having control over others as apparently being satisfying and making life happier and safer

 

When and as I see myself playing games of power/manipulation/jockeying for position with another as a way to try to get them to do/be what I want as what I have idealized about what roles others must play in my life – I stop, and breathe and do not attempt to do such things as I see, realize and understand that it is impossible to make another do what I want and control them and that this will make me happy because this desire and belief of happiness through control/manipulation is only a belief that I created by using what was presented to me in my world as apparently something that will make me happy

 

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that – due to where the desire for love/affection/attention is coming from, as a place of self neglect, self rejection, and spitefulness towards self and others, that any desire for love as an idea about having someone in my life in a certain way/’role’/character is only based in spitefulness and the beliefs created in spitefulness that having others play such roles in my life will apparently make me happy.

 

When and as I see myself judging/blaming others/women/the media for stimulating my desires and belief about women, love and relationships, I stop, I breathe, and I realize a simple point which is that I am the directive principle and all desires/beliefs are only created, accepted and allowed through/as me and thus if they are allowed to exist within me, then it is because I am allowing them to be, and as such I am not able to blame anyone or anything for stimulating me, no matter how much or how great the attempt to stimulate me may be.