Today I will be sharing a rather ‘personal’ blog from a journal entry. I actually don’t mind sharing personal stuff here, however I have had some resistance to doing so (just as I have also had to writing about this subject at all, and just as I usually tend to have resistance to writing in self honesty) and a bit of fear that others could judge me, react negatively or even try to use personal information against me in some form of slander – however I am quite certain that there is nothing illegal about having relationship problems lol. So, enjoy:
So there have been a lot of intense emotions today. I felt sort of bad and drained about the sex I participated in last night. It felt robotic, careless, totally energy based. All my thoughts have been about this other person and feeling not appreciated by her, like she just doesn’t care. I try to not take it personally because it is like, how she is, is about her, not me, and also, there is no point in getting angry and upset as a way of trying to control the situation by throwing a tantrum. It feels good to write this stuff out, perhaps I should have done this sooner since I’ve had the opportunity, and perhaps this is even partly where the experience of feeling like another does not care is coming from.
I feel like I should stop trying to engage her. I feel like when I try to talk to her, she is not interested, she doesn’t even notice. I feel like when I try to share things with her, she doesn’t care and doesn’t even notice. I feel like when I try to touch her, she does not care and doesn’t even notice. That’s about it. I feel like, what is the point of always trying to engage this person when they have no interest in anything about me? I feel like she is more interested in my image than the actual me, like she takes more photos of me than times she actually talks to me, like she is just with me so she can post photos of her relationship on facebook. I feel like when she touches me, I am treated like more of a toy, and object, than a real being.
Perhaps I am just disappointed because I want a nice, energetic experience that another cares about me. Perhaps I am just disappointed that I allow myself to try to ‘make something happen’ with a person just because she fits a nice image and profile that I like, but doesn’t actually make practical sense to do so and thus I get frustrated with myself that I just won’t accept the truth.
I then ask, but what is the point of relationships if it is just about a practical agreement, if there is no feeling, love and intimacy as I have defined them in the past. I mean if this is the starting point, then I really just need to make an agreement with myself. The ability to do so with another is not something that I ever expect to happen. And then there are circumstances that bind me to others where an agreement is impossible and I only can make an agreement with myself. What this all comes down to, whether amongst others or alone, I am making an agreement with myself. I keep telling myself, ‘well I can just do it within a relationship, I don’t have to change my agreement with another/change the circumstances I’m in – but then I wonder – what the hell is the point of being here? Perhaps there is value in not reacting to the other, in maintaining the agreement with myself no matter what is going on with another – but then I fear I will lose the relationship ‘things will turn bad’ because the person is also not getting what they want. This is what scares me – staying in the relationship and changing myself, disengaging from the survival systems I have always used and having to use practical tools – writing, self investigation, breathing – because here I am delving into the unknown.
I want to be able to ‘just express myself with this person’ in terms of how I have always operated, but then it feels like it always falls on deaf ears, and when it is not reciprocated, or when I can’t do it, I just feel shitty, I go into withdrawal and have all these thoughts.
Cerise wrote today about how Bernard always seemed like he didn’t care, and this is what I fear being perceived as, because there is so much that I am not interested in and just wouldn’t really participate in, and would have to ‘step back from’. So, perhaps this is what I fear of others because this is how I perceive things. Still, I don’t think it is unreasonable to strive to develop communication and intimacy, but perhaps this is what it will take – to first disengage, to delve into the unknown, to take on, deal with and face points as they come up in the moment, here as breath, in self honestly as I go along. To let go of the old so that I may live anew.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for validation within the experience of having a relationship with another, through what I have defined as love and caring
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear disengaging from that which I have always used to participate in relationships as the looking for stimulation and validation, using thoughts, emotions and feelings as the fear of loss as that which is driving me to engage another
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear changing within a relationship because I am no longer dependent on old systems/ways of communicating/participating, and energy, and am rather taking on a new challenge where I walk the path unknown and re-define all aspects of my participation in self honest common sense
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined love and caring as ‘we must interact and communicate’ – not realizing that sometimes it is necessary to step back from that which is not real to even give myself the opportunity to live for real
I commit myself to stop allowing the fear of loss and the desire for energy to drive me as the tendency to engage and interact with others and influence how I engage and interact with others
I commit myself to allow myself to remain here as breath – not matter what occurs in my external reality – as the self trust to disengage from utilizing systems that are based in fear of loss – and to simply exist self honestly, where I no longer embellish or try to manipulate events in a way that are favorable to an outcome that I have designed in my mind where I have envisioned an ideal of perfection, as I see, realize and understand that all forms of perfection – both individual and in relationship agreements – must be based in self honesty and not fear of loss – and thus I do not accept and allow myself to compromise myself and that which is best for myself/all life by giving into such desires to participate in old systems that are design in fear of loss, as they occur as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I commit myself to give myself back to myself and within this, to stop acting out of spite and blame, as I see, realize and understand that by giving myself back to myself by not compromising myself/principles that are best for all life, I will not longer exist in spite, blame and resentment as I have supported myself and given up old systems sufficiently to direct myself and my reality for real, here, self honestly as breath