Day 292: Resistance to writing, self support and fear of loss

I am here again to write about my experiences of resistance towards writing as a self support tool in my process. What I do know about not writing is that I am making a decision to suppress myself, to ignore myself, to neglect myself. I mean I give all these other people and things attention on a daily basis in my life, and yet I don’t even want to give the same attention to myself. Even helping and supporting others seems easier – and yet it is not effective to do this without supporting self too. What I also know is that if I do not engage myself in this process, I will be angry. I will be angry at myself for this decision I have made and how I have limited and neglected myself so extensively, and I will continue to be unhappy about my living conditions and the state the world is in because of the fact that I know that I did absolutely nothing to be able to change it. I know, I know, I know…and yet during times where I am stuck in a rut of resistance, knowing doesn’t seem to make any difference – only DOING makes a difference.

 

This is the problem with knowledge and information in the way that we utilize it: that knowledge and information without practical application is useless. This doesn’t have to mean anything profound, it just means that I might know all this stuff, but I’ve got to speak it, look at it, study it, consider it, explore it, expand on it, investigate it, question it, question myself within it – I mean, I’ve got to live, and no matter how much I know or what I have learned as acquired knowledge – without the natural flow of self expression, including expressing myself with/as myself here alone – nothing I learn is of any use.

 

Sometimes I get a little extreme with this point of applying knowledge, where a solution really looks and sounds great, and I just want to force it onto my life, just try to impose it and stick with it, and then it is like, if it doesn’t work, I feel shitty and I judge myself because “I had the answer, why did I fall? How could I have fallen, I did everything right!”. I can see that this kind of assessment is what ends up fucking with me because I think I have the answer, and then there are like these rules formed – what to do and what not to do – and based on how I follow this, I judge myself – good for following the rules, bad for not following the rules. What I fail to consider here is that there are no rules – just directive principles that are necessary to be explored in terms of how they can be practically applied in my particular situation. This takes quite some doing because with the mess that this world is in, to ‘love thy neighbor as thyself’ requires doing so within a system that is inherently abusive towards life. I mean, everything about the way we live is evil by virtue of our participation in an evil system which causes massive and untold suffering.

 

By giving myself the gift of writing, I am giving myself an opportunity to work out practically what it would mean to apply the principles which I want to live by – equality and oneness. It is through writing that I can ask myself simple questions, where I can consider decisions and choices and through the principle of 1+1+1+1….I am able to eventually work things out. If I come to a limit in what I can do in writing, then perhaps a point requires more research or physical investigation. I can see that the desire to ‘want to know what to do’ and ‘have all the answers already’ is something that fucks me and in the past has pushed me to make rash decisions. I have to hold my own hand and actually walk this process, with a kind of patience – the ind of patience that does not require effort but rather only breath, because within this I am trusting myself to always be here to support myself in walking this process, and thus the fear of loss diminishes and I can allow patience as self expression to emerge.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for/try to create answers within the desire to do so that is birthed in the fear of loss, as a result of not applying myself in self writing and making the unconditional commitment to simply support myself and get to know myself through writing and whatever other tasks/activities my process may entail

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create rules for myself to follow within the belief that I have things figured out – not stopping to question why it might be so difficult to follow these rules and to investigate this experience as part of the overall process of walking myself through this experience and directing myself within it

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for knowledge as the desire for ‘profound answers’ rather than simply living myself in physical application as living knowledge as who I am

 

I commit myself to utilize the tool of writing as a self expression here in the moment and to direct myself within self writing without preconceived ideas – I commit myself to ask myself questions and consider decisions and possible outcomes in working out what equality and oneness in practical application would look like

 

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to make rash decisions based within the fear of loss or because I fear a point – I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in my desire – rather, I continue to focus on breath until this desire passes.I simply remain here as breath as a form of self support and self comfort, to show self that ‘hey, I’m here, I am stable, I am not going anywhere, I do not have to obey my mind, I do not have to believe my fear’, I do not have to be a slave to this fear’ and that life is in fact possible without the mind – I embrace the nothingness of breath within and as the certainty that I am here and as long as I am here in self trust as the commitment to live self honestly as breath – I will always make decisions that support the breath of life

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