Day 257: Looking for fulfillment

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This has been an ongoing point for me for quite sometime, although through being introduced to Desteni, and being shown what I am really capable of – that I can break free of my own self limitations through self honesty and self forgiveness in writing – I have begin to see that I can stop this experience of wanting fulfillment, of yearning for something to ‘complete me’.

I experienced the beginnings of reating this experience for myself when I was younger. I would often be left to my own devices without any real forms of direction, instruction or education, and had this experience of just like ‘being here’ – kind of like boredom, but more an experience of like – there is just nothing, like is this all there really is to life?

I remember experiencing this in my late teen years, or at least an outflow of it, when I would stay up really late at night, seemingly for no reason, just entertaining myself or listening to music or looking at things on the internet – like I was looking for this experience, this something that would fulfill me, in contrast to what I had normally experienced of life.

As I mentioned, when I found Desteni – well, life got really interesting, to say the least, suddenly I started to realize that there is so, so much more to myself and life, that I had never before given value to, recognized the value of, and that giving it this recognition was the key to living a life worthwhile. I began to see what real living actually is, and for the first time, began to learn how to stop this yearning experience – because looking for fulfillment is after all a desire – I began to see what life could be like without desire…it is beyond what one can imagine, having lived in a state of perpetual desire for so long.

And yet, learning to live this way is a process, there is all this work to be done to understand how my desires how, how I have created them, rationalized them, justified them – and so they don’t just disappear so easily. If I am not careful it is easy to fall back into old pattern and before I know it, my time is wasted and oopsie! There is this desire for fulfillment, back again.

So the key to stopping this desire to really live my days to their fullest. It is really as simple as that. Within this, I do have to be realistic about moving myself this way and to not overcompensate and become obsessively goal oriented, like possessed with the desire to make money and be successul and ‘live life to the fullest’ in that sense – no, that is a recipe for burnout. But I am able to make common sense decisions, in self honesty, to support myself – prioritizing what is necessary to be done, however not within the context of survival, or fear of loss as I am so used to doing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of wanting/looking for fulfillment through not giving myself/life the value and recognition it deserves in prioritizing what actually is necessary to be done in self honest common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into overdrive through being driven in life by money and fear of loss, not realizing that this is compensation for not living and only fooling myself with the feeling/illusion that I am apparently living

I forgive myself that I have not acepted and allowed myself to give myself adequate support for my process and self expansion, not only throughout my day by taking care of daily responsibilities, but also ensuring that the proper amount of time is set aside for me to be able to support myself, investigate myself and do the necessary writing/work to expand myself

I commit myself to fulfill myself by living to my full potential, both through taking care of daily responsibilities, but also prioritizing in self honest common sense, what matters, what is relevant to my process and also giving myself the time and space necessary to support myself through writing and whatever other means necessary to support the physical and support myself to understand myself – standing-under and within myself as who I really am 

When and as I see myself going into overdrive as a heightened/excited state of mind were I am stimulated and having thoughts – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand how my energy I am experiencing is in fact a form of anxiety driven by fear of loss as the desire for money, and thus I see in the moment how my particular thoughts are specifically influenced/dictated by money and the drive to get money, and thus I no longer accept and allow myself to be driven by the desire for money as survival/fear of loss as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

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