Day 226: Energy is a slippery slope – finding freedom in structure

Reflecting back on my day today I noticed how much more I probably could have done with it. I am finding it is crucial to challenge myself to live to my full potential, not waste time, and really make constructive use out of every moment that I am given here on earth. So what happened?

I let things slide. I did not put limits and boundaries on the fun I was having, the self interest I was indulging in. Self interest can work in self-honest moderation within the consideration/understanding of all life as equal to yourself, but given that we are raised to live the exact opposite of that, it is important to be careful on that point because it can really be taken too far quite easily. The main point is that I did not prioritize ‘what is best for all’ ahead of what I want. Even if those two points are in conflict with/contradictory to one another, it is only by putting what is best for all ahead of your self interest that would allow one the opportunity challenge their self interest.

So I didn’t, and before I knew it, the day flew by with all kinds of fuzzy nice experiences and warm feelings, but very little was accomplished in terms of positive  ACTIONS – that is the deceptive thing about positive feelings and positive thinking  – it is purely a mental experience, you are mental.

I should know this already, in fact I do know that self interest and stimulating yourself in such a way that makes you experience positive feelings is a slippery slope, I mean I have really learned this the hard way with past experiences with addictions to drugs and sex and shit like that. That is not a recommended experience. Now I am seeing it manifest in ‘smaller way’ as this example of today, but even then, the experience is still not a cool one. The more aware of this you become, the more you become aware of and thus begin to value even the smallest moments. So what is the difference between wasting 5 minutes of your life, a day, a week – it is all just a matter of degree. In that 5 minutes you could have made the world a better place than it is today, in 5 minutes you could have made yourself a better person that you were 5 minutes earlier.

Every single moment is so valuable that all it takes is a single moment of thought, of having a desire for some kind of experience, that that is all it takes to set a person off onto their socio-path of desire and self interest. And of course we can find all kinds of ways to justify our self interest: I need it, just a little, I’m tired, I need to relax, I don’t feel good and this will make me feel better, a little won’t hurt, I worked hard and I deserve it – etc.

It is already hard enough to change our habits that are formed from desires without having already given into, let alone when you start to give into them, it is like, too late, the energy is already flowing, and it just feels oh so good – I can’t stop, I don’t want to stop!

So this is the reason I am seeing more and more how important it is to set boundaries, guidelines, and specifically, to implement a schedule in my life as a fail-safe to make sure that this is impossible. This is an important point I realized a while ago with regards to the nature of the mind – that you are your own worst enemy and you literally have to take measures sometimes to ensure that abuse is not possible/not able to be allowed in the short term, until the abuse/self interest point has been sorted out and one can again be trusted with life as this time we are given here on earth.

Thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create a schedule for myself and be patient in understanding that this is a process of developing a schedule, and thus it is not to be limited by a schedule as I may fear, but rather to see how I can structure myself in a way where living is effective and enjoyable – to ensure that I can manage both to be the best that I can be and take responsibility for my world, and to also enjoy myself as an individual within my world experience, ensuring that these two points no longer conflict with one another.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that a schedule may limit me as I allowed it to/experienced it to in the past, and to instead simply work with a schedule within the understanding that it serves purely as a guideline of support to living the life that I have always dreamed of, but never knew how to structure and create effectively – after all, inherent in creation is structure, inherent in the ability to express in freedom is having the structure from which to express self

I commit myself to design and develop a schedule as a structured support/guideline, and to work with this point within the principles of freedom and self expression – not limiting myself to it, but rather working with it as I work with myself: a work in progress

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