There have been times when I stopped and wondered – is this it? Is this all there is to life? Isn’t there anything more to just being here, working, talking to people, doing stuff, entertaining myself, and other menial tasks that don’t seem to serve any real purpose or fulfillment?
I have projected in my minds eye that this which I have always experienced of life is all there is, and all there can ever be. The deception in this is of course that I am taking my experience and limiting myself to only what I have experienced of life thus far and projected it out into the future – trapping and deceiving myself into not even trying to step outside of what I have accepted as life, which eventually turns into the desire to give up on really ever doing anything new, and just remaining preoccupied within a life of self interest and self gratification through sensory pleasures. Life starts to look really boring within this scope and it is really a frightening thought. It is frightening that it is possible for so many in this world to have accepted this as life – an idea that we are just born, are here for a short time to fuck around and entertain ourselves, and then just die.
What I’ve began to see is that this notion of being bored, dissatisfied and questioning whether or not this is all there is, is based on my own acceptance and allowance of who I am within this reality. I found that living a life of pure self interest is really limiting and unsatisfying – that my world becomes very small and boring when it is just me living for me, only trying to please me – because within this I am limiting myself to one very small part of reality where I am only conscious of and experiencing this tiny little fragment which I have come to be preoccupied with as I have defined this one tiny little part as my life and all that matters.
Only in challenging myself to break out of this point of self definition where I am only concerned with/possessed by my own self interest which is created through the fear of losing that which I have accepted as all that I am as this one individual being, have I been able to step out of my own individualized consciousness and experience for real what consciousness can never be or experience – LIFE.
Through consciousness I have never really found the satisfaction I believe I desire, and when I do, it is never enough and I always need more – a bottomless pit where I am never truly fulfilled. Only in supporting myself to step out of this limitation of self definition have I ever experienced any real relief, and real interest, any real fun, enjoyment – real fulfillment, real living.
In part 2 of this blog I will continue with self forgiveness and self corrective statements on these points