In the last few days I have become unfocused on my writing and just in general in terms of how I experience myself. With school and work starting to become busy, it has somehow been easier to justify not staying focused on my process and to indulge in entertainment and thing that I see as ‘relaxing from work’, because I ‘worked hard’ and therefore I deserve a break. The fact is that I am not necessarily getting any kind of break as real self support because within participating in entertainment/distractions, I am not really directing myself in ensuring that I am doing what I am able to support myself in any and every given moment.
After participating in distractions/entertainment, I find it difficult to go back to my process and apply myself – specifically in writing. It is like all of a sudden I have nothing to say, as if from suppressing myself. Yet I try to write about something and look for points to write about because that is what I feel I should be doing, but it all comes out as very contrived, not real self expression. I then end up giving up because my writing is not up to standard and I am dissatisfied because it is not working.
Part of the problem here is that I am not writing for myself, but instead I am writing others, as indicated by the idea that I ‘should’ write because it is the ‘right’ thing to do as a statement of morality – when in fact writing is meant to be a self honest self expression that is relevant to my process. First and foremost, this process starts with me and must be done for me by me, so I cannot base writing or any aspect of my process on what it will look like in the public eye, or that it even should be written for the public eye. Being able to share my writing with the public is but another outflow of my process of self honesty where I am ready to stand as an example and share with others my process, but it is not meant to be the starting point.
Thus the point of using writing as an effective tool is to do it daily as a natural self expression in the moment, to investigate who I am currently and how I am experiencing myself. ‘Not knowing’ what to write about is not really an excuse because that is based in the idea that I have to write about something for others, and I even have to know what I am going to write about. This is not the case. I have often found it more effective to be unprepared and simply write to reflect myself back to myself, and from this new doors will open where I will have insights and understandings of where to go and what to look at based on what has been uncovered by simply sitting down and being honest in asking myself – how am I experiencing myself currently?
In doing this, I am ensuring that I am working with what is here as how I am experiencing myself, rather than taking or looking for an idea of what I should or should not be doing which I believe is relevant to my process. This I have found is the best way to ensure that self writing is real and effective because if my starting point for my writing is not real, I will just be working with ideas/knowledge/information which will mind-fuck me from actually seeing and writing directly.
In part 2 of this blog I will do self forgiveness and self corrective statements with regards to these points on self writing.