Throughout my life I have experience extensive amounts of nervousness and anxiety, to the point where it became a normal way of living and I became unaware that this was actually my regular experience of myself and my world. It became normal, who I was. Through my process I have began to learn how I have created myself in this way and how I have come to exist in nervousness and anxiety, both in my past experiences and my daily living habits/patterns today. Anxiety and nervousness are forms of fear and from fear desire and love are created as ways to escape this experience of ourselves of fear – to forget it all and make ourselves feel better. This desire and love turned eventually into various forms of addiction to things which then brought me this feel good experience of myself.
Living in this kind of way – a world of fears and desires, the mind tends to always race, like everything is moving very fast. This is an energetic experience of following thoughts, feelings and emotions that will all tend to be based in desire, and the limitation of this is that one will tend to not see their own limitation that they are trapped in this energetic experience of thoughts, feelings and emotions – they just come and you just follow and become consumed by them.
Throughout my process, one of the most useful tools I have learned is breathing, and the 4 count breath – which is to breathe while counting to in my head so as to stop the thoughts from racing. I found that this is one of the most effective ways to stop from being possessed by my thoughts, feelings and emotions. However, given the nature of what I described above about my history with anxiety and nervousness, this can be a bit ‘tricky’ because as I mentioned, when one is in the mind where thoughts, feelings and emotions are racing, one will tend to get lost/consumed in this experience, and so it is difficult for one to see themselves outside of themselves to see what they are doing and be able to remind themselves to stop, and just breathe.
So despite having learned to use breath as a tool, I would still become lost in my mind all the time, not remembering to stop and breathe, and on rare occasions when I would stop and notice myself and what I was doing, I would become frustrated and I would judge myself when I noticed how lost I was in my mind and that I couldn’t even remember to breathe. I would even become more frustrated at times when I would remember to breathe, start focusing on breathing or the 4 count breath – only to ‘lose it’ and become once again lost in thought. That was a very frustrating experience.
But over time I have been learning to be more patient with myself and to stop judging myself, because this is a process, and what has to be taken into consideration is the practicalities of the time it takes to change oneself. The implementation of solutions and self change does take time, and like any new learning curve is done through a process of accumulation – where it is best that one simply apply themselves unconditionally as much as they are able to – and through this, one will accumulate the experience and understanding of the application of these tools, and this new way of life that upon accumulation amounts to self change over time.
In part 2 of this blog I will continue with self forgiveness statements and self commitment statements to support myself in utilizing this tool of breathing and the 4 count breath that is critical to my process as self support to stop the creation of old thought patterns which create the experience of nervousness and anxiety that have for so long limited and controlled my life.