Day 54: Why are you in this process? Making process REAL

ImageI forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to commit and dedicate every free moment that I have to my process of self honesty and self realization where I use every free moment to be honest with myself in doing whatever is necessary to be done so that I may change, learn and grow until a new way is made for myself where the process is in fact a living – not a doing – as a natural expression of who I am as life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to sidetrack myself from my process through various forms of entertainment such as facebook and sports – not stopping to be honest with myself every moment that I do this about whether or not this is actually relevant in my process because the obvious answer is: NO! and that I am just fucking with myself and wasting my time continuing my own diminishment and limitations when I could be living and improving myself which will just end in horrible consequences where I am unsatisfied, make mistakes and have a shitty experience of myself – when it all could have been  avoided if I had just been honest with myself and stopped myself from engaging in my desires, no matter how strong they are – as this is the true test of who I really am – to stand in the face of all desires and fears and always stop the self dishonesty and do what is best for all life, even if it means giving up everything

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to engage in my process from a starting point of guilt, regret and self judgment for that which I have allowed myself and this world to become, and real change must come as a self honest understanding of what I have accepted and allowed – not the fear that I am that which I allowed and may continue to allow it, but as an actual standing as who I am unconditionally to ensure that I am not simply trying and attempting to create and stand within an opposite polarity character creation of what I have accepted and allowed as self denial, self righteousness and self dishonesty which only allow for the negative to continue to exist

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that standing unconditionally means to simply breathe and be here in every moment and stop ALL ideas of the mind – even those which I have accepted and perceived as benevolent

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to stand within my process as a point of spitefulness as judging/separating myself from what I/this world have become wherein I hate/blame it and from this, create another character of me which is apparently benevolent and separate from it

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my process into a competition, a novelty and fashion wherein I compete to fulfill the role of being a Destonian by fulfilling certain tasks/acts which I have defined as something a Destonian would do in process, and that as long as I do these tasks/acts and do them as much as possible, then the more I will appear and validate and define myself as apparently being a Destonian in process, and will even go as far as comparing myself with other Destonians as to who is apparently ‘more of a Destonian’ because they are applying themselves ‘more’ in process or are ‘further along’ in process – when in fact this has nothing to do with process and is just another ego game to validate the good side that ego presents as itself which only serve to keep self from ever actually changing for real

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the visibility of my process is irrelevant if my private life when I am alone is not the same as my public life as a Destonian

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am going to have resistance which will require me to recognize and breathe through – as energy/thoughts/feelings/emotions – and that process is the most difficult thing one can do/engage in as it demands a real self change that is self directed alone even in the face of all resistance and fears as it will involve that which I fear to give up and living without that which I have come to believe I cannot live without and that this stopping is similar to that of an addict who will become so lost in their dementia that they find all kinds of ways into sabotaging themselves from changing but then when the opportunity is present to actually change and face self, will still experience fears and resistances couple with excuses and justifications to make them real – and as such all one is able to do is stop and breathe until the energy passes, not allowing self to participate in these thoughts/feelings/emotions as energy

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to find small ways of ‘cheating’ within my process as deviating from what is required to be done in the moment and escape through entertainment/stimulation – even if just for short moments – as this cheating in small moments will eventually accumulate into greater desires/experiences/self dishonesties manifesting themselves wherein I will inevitably find out that I have only cheated myself by being dishonest with myself and that there is always a consequence for cheating as will have to face the energy that has accumulated through cheating which usually result in a fall

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my words and my actions in process must be one and equal and that doing without the other is useless – as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to be effective/self honest, the words that I speak/write must only be a reflection/direction of that which I am implementing as change in the physical, one and equal

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create process into a morality system where there are certain things which I have defined as ‘good’ and certain things which I have defined as ‘bad’ and within this, I must simply do the ‘good things’ and not do the ‘bad things’ as another way of trusting the mind of thoughts which will always mislead me to never actually see what is here as life expressed here in self honesty can never be a system

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to continually look for/keep back doors open to get energetic fixes within the belief that I can escape myself and my process

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the energy/thoughts that come up as the desire to relapse and participate in old habits/energetic addictions, is simply resonant energy existing in the body and that this is a temporary experience that will fade if I breathe through it yet I have only come to believe it is real through the desire to participate within it – and that if I am ever going to get out of the mess/mind control as addictions that I have created, I must simply learn to breathe through these energetic experiences that arise and that it is in these small moments that I accumulate real self change until the addictions/thoughts arising/energetic experiences are no more and I may live free here to direct myself in a way that is best for all where I LIVE

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that self change here in the moment must be a physically lived/applied experience where my actions are one and equal with my words that I have scripted for myself a new life and that this is done not as a morality character of right and wrongs, good deeds and bad deeds – but as a self honest common sense expression of myself here where I see and recognize that which I am allowing and participating in and experiencing, and in that moment, stop, breathe and delete the thought until the energy is no more so that I may direct myself to freedom and fulfilled, self directive life within the principle of what is best for LIFE

 

I commit myself to dedicate every free moment as the freedom as life I have  been given on earth apply myself in process and do that which is necessary to be done to bring about equality and a life/word that is best for all

 

I commit myself to no longer sidetrack myself from my process through distractions/entertainment, no matter how tempting the thought of them may be, no matter how real the possibility of escape may seem – and to identify when these temptations arise so that I may see them for the self deception that they are and simply breathe through them and continue applying myself in my process

 

I commit myself to no longer allowed myself to apply myself in process from the starting point of guilt/regret/fear/spitefulness/self judgment which are forms of still allowing myself to continue to live without change as I must still accept myself/my world as they are to be able to still judge/spite/fear/feel guilt/feel regret and that these are only reactionary behaviors that are based in energy which will never last, as to make process real I must equalize myself with all forms of existence and thus none of these energetic experiences can exist if I am equal to all

 

I commit myself to stand here as breath as unconditional self support through all ideas/thoughts/feelings/emotions of the mind – even the most benevolent which are the most deceptive

 

I commit myself to stop measuring myself in process and comparing myself to others in process as if process were some sort of competition realizing that such an approach is useless and can never be real as it is still based in the mind as self interest – and as such I commit myself to make my process a living expression of me in every moment of every breath, not a set of defined tasks which are apparently benevolent as ‘doing process’

 

I commit myself to equalize my public life and my private life so that I may be consistent, honest, self honest, and to live without any fear, shame or regret

 

I commit myself to identify and breathe through all resistances that I may experience within my process as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as a form of energy of self manipulation/self deception and through this, prove to myself that this resistance of the mind and that the mind itself – are not real and have no power over me unless I allow it to be so

 

I commit myself to equalize my words and my actions so that I may LIVE my words and be trusted with life as the living word

 

I commit myself to stop ALL morality as it exists in my mind as thoughts, no matter how GOOD or how BAD something may seem

 

I commit myself to close all ‘back doors’ for myself to escape into the mind as stopping all of the creation of opportunities for myself in the future to be able to fall back into the ways of the mind as my habits/patterns/addictions

 

I commit myself to stop the accumulation of small moments wherein I participate in energetic addictions and instead accumulate every moment as a moment that was lived within the context of what is best for all life and in this way, create a life/word of excellence where no fear or separation will ever exist again

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Day 53: Sleeping in

ImageI forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to sleep in when the duties of life call and I am required to wake up and complete whatever tasks are required to be done in the name of life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and justification of ‘I need sleep’ and ‘sleeping more will help me do better with the things I need to do when I wake up’ as justifications and seemingly plausible reasons for why I should sleep in which is just a desire in laziness to not move myself

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to sleep in because I fear that if I do not get enough sleep, I will be less because of it and will not be able to handle my daily activities, not being self honest in realizing that if I breathe and direct myself, I will be able to effectively participate in my daily activities and that I do not require to fear not sleeping because when my daily activities/responsibilities are met and completed, there will be time to sleep

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that sleeping in is a way of life of laziness wherein one will waste their time lost in energy wherein they are unable to move and direct themselves and that sleeping in is able to become another vehicle of laziness where I would rather not go and live and apply myself in life but instead just sleep and be lazy and get lost in good feelings of laziness as if it is like some kind of perceptual experience where I feel/believe I am free

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that sleep is simply a function of the body as a requirement to live and exist and that the context of sleeping as with all ways of existence should be to live a life that is best for all and as such, sleep should be defined/utilized within this context – purely a requirement to rest the busy so that I may continue to live and apply myself in ways that is best for all life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to prioritize sleeping in over doing that which is best for all, not realizing that to be awake is what give me the real opportunity to live and do what is best for all in every moment and that I may not use sleeping in as the excuse to justify laziness as apparently enabling me to do what is best for all effectively – but rather to always prioritize doing what is best for all life first and then, when I have first done this as my priority, then I may consider and give myself the right to rest

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see that sleeping in is the result of staying up late and that staying up late is the result of not doing what is necessary to be done as that which is best for all life as I am not at peace/not satisfied with myself and am still waiting for myself to stand up and be fulfilled

 

I commit myself to use sleep within the context of what is best – as a way of supporting the body and not feeding the mind with energy so that my body may serve life in living in a way that is best for all

 

I commit myself to always prioritize doing that which is best for all as my self responsibility to sort myself/my world out before sleeping, and only when I am truly satisfied that I have done this, will I allow myself to sleep and rest the body, only so that I may continue to live my self responsibility again as that which is best for all life

 

I commit myself to limit my sleep so that I do not become addicted to sleeping and to ensure that I am always ready to rise again to the task of that which is necessary to be done as living in a way that is best for all life and once I am satisfied with this, rest the body as it is required

 

I commit myself to no longer fear not getting enough sleep but rather to “fear” not doing that which is best for all as this is the only real thing worth “fearing” and in this way, do what is necessary to be done so that I am satisfied and live without fear so that I may rest in peace

 

I commit myself to stop sleeping in as a habit of laziness that is justified by the apparent need to sleep when life needs support as life is in critical condition

 

I commit myself to stop feeding my mind with sleep as sleeping in and to push myself to get up as this is a test of will as to whether I am willing to stand and direct myself and do what is best for life and that I do not require to fear not sleeping as when I stop feeding the mind energy with sleep, though things may become more difficult, this is always the prime opportunity to stand up, face myself sort myself out – by seeing who I am when I stop feeding my addictions